Thoughts

Sometimes I should not be allowed to have access to Merlot, music by Roxette and my contacts list. This is one of those nights. A night that after this weekend I am second guessing everything. If this fight is worth while, if nothing is what it seems. If you actual listen to the hidden messages within the words that you truly hear. When you realize that maybe all along he is telling you all you need to know but you are so lost in the moment that you choose to ignore it. That you think maybe just once the romance will happen to you, you will be the exception to the rule. In reality you are just not actually listen to him try to push you away and you look like the fool for staying, for thinking you are capable of making things work when you are three hours apart when in reality you are just a beautiful distraction of the moment. You are just someone who makes it convenient, that makes him believe in possibilities and not understand the chaos that he was getting into.

It is clear that I am just a "friend" with possibility. An option, not a priority and if I would have just listened then I would have realized it from the moment that we first met. That I was an unexpected surprise and that I do not fit into the five year plan that is filled with "I's" and not "we's", that this word does not even enter into his vocabulary. All the words swirling through my head, "don't believe in marriage," "won't get lost in love" " don't know where I'll be." The signs are there and once again the realization of them have finally hit and I am again second guessing, running, forgetting, giving up...

A quote I saw tonight that hit home.

"I need to come to realize that he is just a guy, a special one, maybe, but he is not mine. I don't need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to, he just would."

or this one...

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the biggest fool of all? The girl who could not stop crying? Or the one who never stopped trying."