Goodbye

Guess I am now a Miami fan

Say it isn't so!

The city is going crazy. Tonight is the night that we might lose a legend...LBJ...and all Cleveland teams will officially go to shit. 35 minutes until decision time!

Scrabble anyone?

The rules: We either break them, follow them or live by them. Lately though I find myself questioning why we so often contemplate them in relationships? What happened to, I like you, you like me, let's do this thing? My girlfriends and I are completely guilty of not only over analyzing the behavior of men, but we bounce the rules off of each other wondering which ones to break, which ones to follow and which ones to toss.

For instance, here are some rules lately that I have heard and too often question.

1. Never send more than one text in a row if he has not responded to your previous text yet. The double text is a no no.

2. Never ask or imply that you want a second date on the first. You should be asked out a second time, AFTER the first date, not on it.

3. Texting two minutes after receipt of initial text looks desperate, 30 minutes appropriate and says you have a life but you are into him, an hour or more, you're not into him.

4. He should always call first. And phone conversations can start to occur after date number 2 or later, anything before looks desperate.

5. Guys like long straight hair. Not flat iron straight, but more of a wavy, but not curly. And first date outfits should be comfortable and casual.

6. He needs to ask you out for the weekend by Wednesday. If he doesn't, he doesn't value your time.

I could go on and on and on here. But I mean, this is starting to get ridicules. There are so many rules to dating that my head is beginning to spin. When something goes wrong, I am quick to say that I broke a rule. The thought never enters my head that "Hey, he just may not be that into you."

So with this new guy, I have decided to throw out all dating rules and expectations. If I want to call him, I'm going to call him (gasp!). If I am thinking about him, I'm going to shoot him a text (Oh My!). If I want to see him again, I'm going to let him know. I'm tired of the games, the wondering the questions, the insecurities. It's time to stop being ridicules and start being real. Be yourself. Don't ponder and doubt your every move. Maybe then we won't keep questioning what we're doing wrong because I'm starting to think that what is wrong is not being honest!

Fireworks and Butterflies

So this is what dating is supposed to be like. Butterflies? Fireworks? First kisses and shyly crossing your legs and staring at the ground not sure when to say goodnight. Amazing first date last night, or maybe it was more amazing because I wasn't expecting it to go so well. Either way, I am definitely excited!

You're not Sorry

Listening to Taylor Swift, "You're not Sorry." You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone, this is the last straw...don't wanna hurt anymore...

Sorry, a "break up" is always proceeded by sad break up songs, a pack of camel crushes and a case of beer chased with multiple cups of coffee. It's what I do. As dad said this morning; they come and go, better to kick em' to the curb now. And as my sister said; you read too many relationship books; and as my brother said; ok enough already, get over it! And of course mother; why did you have him come meet us?

Ugh, why why why? I find myself saying this a lot this morning.

Insomnia 1; Michele 0

It's 5:30 in the morning. I am looking at the mist rise up over the lake and sail across the tree tops as the sun comes up on this Saturday morning fourth of July weekend. I am reminescent of my past mistakes and anxiously cannot sleep as I have yet again let go of an amazing guy whom of which I know just wasn't going to be 'the one'. I cannot help but stay awake and remind myself of these relationship patterns that I keep falling into. I meet these amazing people who are just not capable of having any type of relationship on a level that I know I deserve emotionally. It was the initial goodbye text that was the hardest, the negating comes easy, the second guessing will be harder for the next few days, the empty nest will be harder, but when there is nothing left to give is when you know that it just isn't going to work. It is these lonely sunrises that I do not want to do anymore. The mid morning escapes, the apologies. They make dating hard and relationships harder. The let down from what you thought could be, to the realization of what will never come.

I said goodbye to [fighter] at 4:30 this morning. I suppose I apologized when no apology was needed. He simply was too into his own life to make a life together seem possible and that is nothing to apologize for except for bad timing. I simply realized it is time to let go of the image in my mind of what we could be and take what we were at face value. We were nothing but two great sense of humors that forcefully tried to make a go of something that wasn't there. It was the make it or break it and we didn't make it. The last day, scrambling to return your merchandise before you could only get store credit, the last kiss that you knew would be more memorable than the first, the last piece of straw that broke the camels back.

I was not willing to give up options because of my curse. My intuition. My inner knowing when something is going to be a permanent or even semi-permanent fixture in my life and I knew that he was temporary. I knew that it was only a matter of time before this happened and I am always that one who has to make others aware of it before it tears at my soul. I cried for all of five minutes this morning. Over the initial loss. The companionship that I was hoping I had found. I gave him so many outs. I gave him so many opportunities to leave the game with pride, without it being messy. I gave him choices, and when he chose to stay I thought it was was because he knew this was what he wanted, but all he knew was that he thought he could have his cake and eat it too (don't we all?)

It was the toe dip in the water before you dive. The view off the cliff before you jump. The fist stretch before you clench. There simply wasn't enough to make it worth the fall. This relationship was similar to the soulmate. Never enough time, never feeling adequate enough, never feeling capable enough. I cannot spend my life debating my self worth in relationships anymore and i most certainly can't spend my mornings, freezing, alone, in a tent wondering why a mid morning drive to escape the situation was worth sacrificing a morning of waking up next to me.

Favorite lyrics ever!

His eyes are blue just like the ocean. His heart is a river free. And now and then he gets the notion. And he finds to way me. His love's like rain on a tin roof. Sweet song of a summertime storm. And oh the way that it moves you, it's a melody of passion raging on...and then it's gone. He tells me he'll be back to see me. Every time he has to go. And I keep wondering just when that'll be, cause with him you never know. Just like a thirsty field, i can't complain a bit...cause I'm thankful for every drop that I can get.

(Picture taken at this fantastic winery in Vermilion called Paper Moon with two of the greatest girlfriends a friend could ever ask for!)