Silence

I realize it has been a few weeks since I have written. I find myself consumed with nothing but tasks that I have to complete, deadlines I need to meet and an overwhelming sense of desire to bury my head in the sand again and ignore the trials and tribulations of life. However, I am now an adult and remind myself everyday that this is not an option and somehow I find enough strength in my coffee grounds to keep going at a pace of an olympic sprinter. The homework keeps piling up, time keeps slipping past and it seems that even with no sleep, there is simply only one of me and that is not enough to maintain this pace for much longer.

I came home last night from a twelve hour day of work, filming a reality t.v show for m.t.v and when I walked in the door to silence, I broke down. I have not had silence for so long. I have not simply been able to sit in the stillness of a dimly lit room alone with my thoughts in months and it was the most joyous feeling, I couldn't help but just cry. I was able to separate myself from the whirlwind of thoughts and things to do in my mind and just be with myself, alone and I was able to crawl into my bed, alone and sleep. Just sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvinated with the knowledge that God would not give me anything that I cannot handle. He is placing all of this on my plate as a true test of character. A test of my ability to prioritize, not procrastinate and to help me along my journey in self discovery. It is in this hardship that I am figuring out the most about myself and the most about what I need without even having to put it in the forefront of my mind. Subconsciously I am realizing what path I want to take in my life. I may be at a crossroads right now, but I am at least able to read the sign at this fork in the road and I have faith that I will soon have courage to joyously skip down the path I choose instead of run scared down a self destructive path.

I have to prioritize now and begin studying for an exam. Hopefully I will have enough solitude in my evening to write again later.

100 days of my life; 100 selfish acts; 100 self discoveries

As I have mentioned in a few other blogs, I have made lists of things that I want to do. Without much success, I haven't completed any of them and it has been close to two years since I have made my first list. In retrospect, it doesn't seem that long ago, but two years time is a lot of time to waste when that is a total of 730 days and my list was only about 30 activities long. That means that since I complete only about 10 things on my list, I accomplished nothing but mundane tasks for 720 days. I am sickened by how much time I tend to waste and flustered by the amount of things that I want to experience, but use time as an excuse as to why I never do it. This year, I want to do something different. I want to complete something in my life, since I am the type of person that starts a hundred projects and cannot finish one. I was going to make my project last a full year with 365 things to try and accomplish. I thought this might be a little too ambitious, since realistically I am a full time student and I do work full time. So I have cut the list down to 100. 100 things to do this year and each thing that I accomplish on the list I will take a photograph or a self portrait so to speak. This will be my year long masterpiece and I will blog about the experiences I have had doing the things on my list. I have to go to class, but I will start thinking of 100 things I want to experience and I will update this later.

Distractions

Today I am finding myself to be consumed by distractions. Not by people, but by the thoughts that are swirling throughout my mind today so I took a break from what I had to do to see if blogging would help to clear away the fog from my mind.

I woke up today in a rush, not because I was late or because I had slept in, I had just slept in longer than I had particularly wanted to. I wanted to get up and print out my notes for class tomorrow, but I didn't. I wanted to wake up and charge my bluetooth, but I didn't. Instead I was so overwhelmed with the idea that I had woken up 30 minutes later than I had intended, I just laid in bed with my coffee and thought about what I should be doing instead of actually doing it. Take for instance this very moment. I should be using this time to write my chemistry lab report, however, I am so consumed by all of these thoughts that if I do not get them out I cannot further concentrate, thus being an enabler to my own mind. So instead I am blogging.

Last night I had an odd dream, one of many that I have had in the past few nights which makes me believe that the cosmos are either trying to tell me to settle down, you are in more control than you think, or they are saying that no amount of therapy will be able to decipher what my innermost subconsciousness is trying to say to me these days.

I dreamt that my boyfriend and I were at a party and he was paying attention to every girl in the room except for me. Usually this does not bother me but in my dream I was quite disturbed by it. I noticed him paying particular attention to an ex girlfriend and after they were done flirting, being the bold person that I am, I approached him and asked him why he was doing this and if maybe now he felt as if we should split up. He said to me..."If I can get this many chicks with a girlfriend, imagine how many I can get without one." There it was, the decision was made, the immature, chick magnet had re-emerged from within which made me realize that it was that persona that made me fall out of love with him the first time and I bowed out gracefully. Upon returning to our apartment after the party, which was of course only a resemblance of our apartment, but a much nicer and larger, two story version, he was of course on the couch and as I walked to the bathroom, I found it clogged, with the seat up and the toilet paper roll empty. With the exception of the toilet clog, this is the disarray I often times find the bathroom was makes me angry in our waking life, so it is no wonder I dreamt of this scenario. In my dream, I simply exasperated and then I awoke, wondering if he wasn't lying next to me because he had gone to work or if I had simply gotten what I seem to be dreaming of: brutal honesty and an endless supply of toilet paper.

The night before this I was in the water, rapids, in a row boat with my family and my mother was steering in the front of the boat with her orange and blue life jacket on and her yellow helmet. I was the perspective at the far rear of the boat, watching her navigate through these rough waters and then she simply stood up and said to me, "Michele, take the paddle and come to the front of the boat." I awoke feeling a sigh of relief. This dream made me feel as if she was subconsciously telling me that she trusts my judgement in hard times and trusts me enough to be able to paddle through the rough waters of life. I of course, am no dream interpreter but this is what I would like this dream to signify!

Well blog, it is almost 11:30, which was the time I said I would pack up and head to work. My compulsive scheduled nature will not allow me to stay a minute more or my life will further more be in a panic (I should probably see someone about this OCD problem). I will write more later if I finish my lab report at a decent time this evening and get all of my schooling out of the way, for I still have a million things to say and I know I will not rest if I don't remove them from my consciousness.