You show up at my door at 4 am because I have done nothing but blow you off for two weeks because that was my plan. To say goodbye. A plan that I concocted alone without your permission and a mission that you were not going to allow without your consent. You said everything I needed to hear. That I am amazing and gorgeous and you are not deserving. That it will never work because I am superwoman and you are kryptonite but for some reason you cannot leave. You are drawn to me and me to you. A force that neither of us can recognize, one that neither of us will submit entirely too. I know you are wrong, bad, not the one for me. Because if you were Mr. Right, I would not be out searching for him, hoping for him, praying for him, and losing faith that he does not exist. Coming up with reasons why fate has drawn us together, why fate never keeps us apart for long and contemplating why you are in my life. I go through stages of anger, hurt, denial, fear, love, longing, lust. I wait for those moments when you wear your heart on your sleeve and you give me a drip, a taste, of how you feel. Enough to leave me satisfied but still yearning for more. Still fighting for your love, your desire. I fight with my emotions, my sanity, my clarity. I argue with my subconscious. He is wrong, he is bad, but you love him, you want him, you need him, he needs you. I know that this is not how love is supposed to feel but maybe this is exactly what love is. Not materialistic but animalistic. It is a force that pulls you together when nothing else does. A feeling, a notion, an inclination a fate that is so strong that it is the only thing that binds. Maybe it is settling, but maybe settling is never feeling the strong connection that we share. Every time I try and walk away I cannot move. Like stone, my feet are frozen. I gain the strength to walk past you, through you and yet I still feel you there. The strongest presence that has ever existed in my life. I cannot rid myself of you and for that there must be a reason. Please someone tell me why this reason is. Without judgement, without harassment, without persecution. Help me to understand, help me to reason and help me find the strength to either forgive and wait or to let him go
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