Insomnia

I don't know what my deal is today. I went to sleep around eleven, having given up on what was left of Saturday and thought, ugh just go to bed and wake up to a new day. I did wake up to a new day, at 3:30 in the morning and I have not been able to go back to sleep. I am completely wide awake. I also realized that I barely ate anything yesterday. I had a packet of breakfast nuts, a cafe steam meal and a vegetarian chicken patty and that was it. It is no wonder I find myself up now at five am, hungry, itchy from mosquito bites on my foot and hot. I'm considering just staying awake and napping a little later. Why is my mind racing right now. My body does this to itself when I am stressed out. Doesn't get hungry and constantly just wants to go go go and never stop. I don't understand why I feel so stressed right now, I have been able to relax for three days without work and feel fabulous. Hmmmm...I'm gonna go put on a pot of coffee in figure this out.

Saturday Night Blues

It is Saturday night and my plans for the evening got cancelled so I find myself truly embracing this whole being alone thing and I am still a little bit indifferent to it. I have had something to do on a weekend night for as long as I can remember and not having something to do is usually few and far between and yet here I am at home on a Saturday night blogging about my indifferent feelings on this. Of course there is plenty for me to do but now that I live so far from my friends it just doesn't make it worth it to go out for a few drinks and trek over an hour to do so.

So the tool box text me last night to ask if I had plans. Not like he was asking me to do anything so I am not really sure why he was texting. Probably because somehow those kind of guys have this sixth sense about it when you're decided to emotionally let them go. It's like a radar goes off..."oh she's over me, I need to text so I stay on her mind." I did not succumb to his lack of charm and just ignored it.

I went out with an old friend of mine on Thursday which turned out to be a really fun and semi-regretful night. This is the exact type of guy I'm looking for and I'm just not sure what his intentions are. It would be nice if it were to turn into something more than a friendship but we'll see how it goes and for the time being I'm not going to worry about it.

I was supposed to go out on a date with the banker tonight and he said he had to do "emergency babysitting" of his sister's kids. My instincts are telling me that this is not exactly the truth since there was no apology or even feelings of regret in the text, considering this is the second time I have made plans with him and the second time he has had to cancel due to babysitting. My mom and I agree I should chalk this one up to a loss and move on. She even thinks it sounded fishy and if her and I are actually agreeing on something that I would say that it's probably a correct indication of something going on.

So I am going to attempt to get my taxes done. Drink the beer in the fridge in my apartment that has broken. Yes, fridge has broken. The milk I threw out today was my first clue and upon sticking half my body in it and realizing it was colder outside than in the fridge, I now have to clean it out before I have rotting food everywhere. Considering it is Easter weekend and the super will not be out until Monday, it's a good thing I did not go grocery shopping today! I try to tell myself that it is nights like these that the unexpected happen but I am not holding out much hope for that.

Honestly my question is where is he? And why can't I find him? Is it time for me to let go of my idiotic romantic ideals and give up the search for Mr. Right? I just don't understand why I cannot meet a decent, attractive man. Why can't my love life be like one in the movies? A better question, why do I even keep thinking that it can be this way? I am not complaining here when I make this statement, even though I know it is going to sound conceited and like I am, but it is hard to meet decent guys when you are an attractive person. Attractive girls have to constantly wonder if guys are only with them because they want to sleep with them. Most people look at me and at first glance think that I am not smart, they think I am a crazy party girl with no morals or education simply because I am attractive. It's a false stigma that I am getting really sick of trying to prove wrong.

I'll keep you updated...I'm going to go continue to do nothing...maybe start my taxes...cause I really do need to get those done!

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

I am embarrased to say that I succumb to all types of pressure and pressure of not using the internet won and I did not embark on my seven day challenge. The reality of it is that I do want to use the internet on a daily basis and that is just who I am and who I will remain to be. So perhaps one day I will just do it, but until then, my Mac remains to be my only companion.

Spring is here. The sun is shining. It is going to be close to eighty the next few days and I find an extra spring in my step even though my life is still a bit chaotic, but I'm working on that. Today is my last day of work, tomorrow my last day of class for a few days and I am going to spend the weekend catching up on life and pulling together the pieces of my life.

The tool box detox did not work. I of course took him back and then I of course went back to rehab Monday. This time I need to find the strength in my irritation. He was seeing someone else. I know it, he won't admit it and I cannot take someone lying to my face about it. I have been there and done that and I knew how this would end all along so perhaps my lack of heartbreak stems from the instinct I had from the moment I met him. Perhaps this is what Marianne was trying to tell me when she said I will be able to recognize situations and know what to do before they go to far. I still think I let this one get to far, in the sense that I did start to develop feelings which is apparent in my internal struggle with checking my phone every five minutes to see if he will text. I know that he won't because I told him I did not ever want to speak to him again. I told him his prescense in my life was no longer accepted and that I have moved onto bigger rocks (he actually refered to himself as a stepping stone for better mates). So for the time being I am going to take everyone's advice that I have so blatenly been ignoring and I am going to try to see what this "alone" thing is all about and I'm going to stop looking. I am going to ignore what my heart feels for the sm, for the hot MMA fighter I met this weekend and the tool box and just be me for a while. I am going to find solitude in an empty bed and peace in this quiet apartment and I am going to figure out what I want in this life and a partner.

On a great and unrelated note, I am working on a research project. I may have discovered Cholera in Haitian tap water! For a student scientist like myself, this is very exciting! Well I am going to eat some lunch and head into work! So excited today is like a Friday!

7 day challenge

I have come to the realization that I have what therapists like to call "an addictive personality." I drink, I smoke, I love boys, I have to constantly check my email, my facebook, and my blog. It's funny how I never forget to do my vices, but things on my to do list remain unchecked and very undone. In a world of texting and emailing and the internet, we have lost communication. So when posed with this challenge, I thought at first, no way. How could I go without at the very least checking my work email? I mean people have to get a hold of me. But then I realized there is the modern convenience of the telephone...or (gasp) face to face interaction! So beginning tomorrow, I am going to take the seven day challenge. No Internet! None! Not for any reason. Not for facebook, not for email, not for researching, not for blogging, for absolutely nothing. I am going to see if I can remain connected, while staying, disconnected, so to speak. So I have a podcast to listen to and then goodbye internet for one week. Can I do it? I'll let you know how I feel in a week!

If at first you don't succeed...

I love thunderstorms. There is just something about laying in bed, alone, in the dark while the sky is rumbling outside. It reminds me of camping and is if the world is washing everything clean. As long as the power doesn't go out, because I am not particularly fond of the dark dark! Recently I have hardly been able to sleep. I have so many thoughts racing through my mind that perhaps blogging about them will help to release them from my inner sub conscious and I can fall asleep again. For one thing, I am having really odd dreams when I fall asleep. I think I know what the universe is trying to tell me, I am just refusing to listen for some reason. I had a dream last night that I was in a hospital, being chased by clowns (in which I am completely afraid of). They told me that if I could find a way out, I would live, and I of course could not find a way out. I kept running and running, and trying to open every door, that of course was locked. I realize my subconscious is trying to tell me that I am running from someone or something in my waking life. I know what it is I need to run from, but for some reason I cannot find the will power to take the first step of that sprint.

I keep dreaming of my sm (soulmate), but I am jokingly going to refer to him as sm from here on out. Last night he was with my former best friend, dating her. The night before, we were together. I am driving myself crazy keeping my thoughts of this topic internalized. I have yet to speak publicly to anyone about my misconceptions and feelings on the topic. Let alone ever let him know how I feel about the issue. I am going to just keep trying until I am either turned down or completely ashamed of my behavior lol.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Ahhh I finally went to hot yoga again today and it was the most fitting practice because it was all about letting go! Isn't it amazing how something inspires you to do something and it perfectly relates to your life. I decided to go to yoga, simply because I wanted to go. I have wanted to go and I had the morning off so why not? I also heard from the banker today which lifted my spirits, and I then went to target and bought toilet paper and some earrings for myself because I wanted to. It is nice to have the freedom to do what YOU want to do! I went to work and had a hugely productive day, and I then proceeded to experience my adult st. patty's day by having a few drinks with my cousin after work. It was there that I was told, I was beautiful and should have a man worshipping me! Even though it was told to me by someone heavily intoxicated from drinking all day, it still made me feel great about my most recent decision to detox!

I once again got my hopes up because my "soulmate" was supposed to come out with us tonight but decided he was too tired. So I decided it is pretty obvious I need to give up that part of my life once and for all for the 100th time.

More later...it's time for me to hit the sack!

inspire me

Enough about the tool and more about me! I seem to have lost my inspiration somewhere in the past passion driven month! Where has it gone too? How do I go about getting it back? I need to find myself again. Perhaps starting back up my 100 list will make me feel better! I need to do something for myself tomorrow before I drive myself crazy. This would include going to pick up toilet paper, because I just ran out. However, it is so nice not to have anyone to blame but myself for not having toilet paper! No one to fight with about it...just luckily a new roll of paper towels!