Stagnant

Life seems to often times be like a train on rails. When it is moving in the right direction, everything is going according to plan, running perfectly. But when the train starts to go off course, it can't simply stop, turn around and go back to its original direction. It has to keep going, off roading, so to speak, down a new path in hopes that this new direction will lead itself somewhere similar to the original destination.

How is it that life has a tendency to get off track so easily? And why is it that when you finally realize you feel yourself heading in an unknown direction do you often times try to put on the brakes only to find that they are not working? You have no choice but to keep moving until suddenly you wake up one day, sufficating, unsure, vulnerable, apprehensive and confused and praying that you can hold on, ride through and hope there is not an end to the tunnel you have found yourself submitting to?

This is how my life has felt lately. Of course. I'm not sure if I am making good decisions for my life. Was it a good idea to postpone school? Is it a good choice to be married to my job? To not have time for yourself? To come home so exhausted, the only thoughts that go through your mind are eat dinner, fall in bed and lay awake for hours pondering these questions that have no answers?

A friend of mine was recently in the hospital. After ruling out cancer, they found out that she is fine, but it made me start to question life in general. At the age of 25, if I had a diagnoses that I would die in less than five years, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? The answer was no. And then an even harder question came up; what are you waiting for? A husband? Or a boyfriend to share things with? Why? For your job to offer you more validation? I come up with every excuse; I can't take off work, there is no one to go with, there is not enough time, not enough money, not enough of me to go around the list of responsibilities I have to do and the ones I want to do.

I need to find my motivation. I need to stop making excuses and I need to just DO THINGS! Now that my mom is not working, maybe I will drag her to some exotic locations. Have some fun. Enjoy some more experiences. That is when I am truly happy, when I am experiencing new things, stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not when life has become stagnant and stale and boring.

Tomorrow is "put yourself together Wednesday." Get most of the things done I typically have been saving for a day off. And on my day off on Friday I am going to enjoy something new and experience something different. I may have to google this one, but I'm going to do it!

Have you seen my motivation?

So I obviously haven't updated in a while because quite frankly I have seemed to have lost my motivation. I haven't even been motivated to update my facebook, so don't feel too neglected. My motto lately has been, "why do today what I can put off til tomorrow?" I don't even feel like working today. Probably because I prefer to put off all my work until the day before my day off so I have so much to do I am frantically running around my office like a chicken with my head cut off. It's fun, you should try it. Plus the big boss thinks you are extremely motivated and determined, so I feel it's a win win.

Atikin's diet update: I'm still eating healthy for the most part. I do eat carbs before and after my workouts but spend the majority of the day eating healthy and no carb. Which let me tell you, is a pain in the ass with as much Halloween candy floats around work this time of year.

Dating update: Hmmm what dating life? Ann and I rejoined match. Though skeptical, I wasn't dating after that and so I thought, hmm round 2? Which is proving to be just as unsuccessful as round one. I mean, I don't pretend to understand why I am this amazing one date wonder (I should have went as that for halloween! Maybe next year). I mean getting a date is not a problem, it's getting a second date. I think I'm charming and attractive, but obviously my dates aren't feeling the same way. You can only come up with so many excuses (he has ex issues, commitment issues, maybe he's gay?) Pretty soon I'm going to have to face the fact that maybe I am just destined to live alone in a small tiny one bedroom apartment (that I still want to turn into a walk in closet), and pretend like I'm okay with having no husband, no children and a bunch of non existent cats. I've been dating since I was fifteen! Where is he hiding already?

The more I date, the more I realize how much I am married to my job and how much I do not want my job to define who I am. I need some new hobbies. Better yet I need some time for those hobbies.

Well I need to go teach my class, and count down the hours until I can go home and lay in my comfortable bed and read L.A Candy (by Lauren Conrad), a horrible excuse for a book. Even the writing is poorly done. You would have thought that MTV would have been able to pay for a better editor. Nonetheless, it's a hobby I do, read and obsessively check my match because if you have ever been on a social networking site, you know, it's addicting.

Atkin's Day 6

Can't believe it's been 6 days. I've been doing really well. I'm eating the same things a lot but really it's not that bad. I did cheat. I had an apple today and I had some Special K the other day, but that's it. It's weird thinking I cheated by eating a fruit and some low calorie diet cereal but I'm not supposed to have any carbs. Still I have found myself only eating three meals a day. Also I am not hungry. I don't feel any need to snack in between meals, especially on chips or anything. I'm really not even craving chocolate or anything sweet anymore. I cut down my coffee to drinking light coffee in the morning and not all throughout the day. Coupled with my cute personal trainer who kicks my ass, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere and feel great. I'll continue to keep you updated!

I bought myself a man in a blue polo today

So apparently my quarter life crisis involves crash diets, shopping and spending a whole lot of money that I don't have. I got suckered in to purchasing myself a personal trainer today. Ah if only getting a boyfriend were that easy. I will see him once a week for three months and then every other week for months 4-6 and then once a month for months 7-12. Huh, sounds like a pretty amazing relationship to me. Just one that I pay quite a bit of money for.

However, I realized after session one, that I am working out entirely wrong and have to revamp my workout and this atkin's diet is not good. Well I'm still going to follow the atkin's because I spent 100 in groceries the other day but I'm excited. As sick as I feel for how much money I dropped today, I'm still really excited about the idea of this. I think that it will actually work which is what I'm praying for. At least I have someone else to blame if it doesn't.

Atkin's Day 2

So I just spent my morning doing an arm and ab workout. I wanted to sleep in this morning so I skipped the gym and worked out a little at home, but I am planning on hitting the gym after work tonight. Goal is a 30 minute run plus a leg workout.

I also spent the morning cooking my meals for the day. This is what is on the menu for Wednesday. Yes it's repetitive, but it still looks pretty good.

Breakfast: 2 Eggs scrambled and turkey bacon. Plus two cups of decaf coffee

Lunch: Grilled chicken salad with tomato, hard boiled egg and feta

Dinner: Turkey Burger on Romaine lettuce with 1 tbsp of mayo and blue cheese with asparagus cuts

If you also noticed, this diet does not allow you to eat fruit. Due to the fact that fruit contains natural sugars which turn into fat in your body. Fruit is the carb I will introduce back into my diet after 10 days, but fruits lower in sugar like apples, blueberries etc.

Atkin's Breakfast Day 1

So my boss, the office girl and myself have decided to do the Atkin's Diet, excuse me, the NEW Atkin's diet for 10 days. It's not so much new as much as he has just added the word to the cover of his book. You still can only eat Meat and vegetables and for 10 days you really can't have things that don't even have carbs. Like no nuts, no sugar, no nothing. However, the food you do get to eat, I love, so I don't see this being a problem. I like eggs and turkey bacon. I love egg salad. I love grilled chicken salad and chinese vegetable (minus the corn because you can't have corn or carrots, or green beans yada yada yada).

So we're taking this 10 day challenge to jump start our weight loss which comes at perfect timing, in conjunction with my new Urban Active membership and tanning package. I never stick to anything. So I decided for the next ten days to blog about my weight loss woes, and to write down what I eat and what I did at the gym, so I can go back and be like, oh look, this is why you still have a spare tire, you never got off your ass!

Day 1 observations at my gym:

So Urban Active is typically not the type of gym that you go to, to lose weight. Everyone there is either already fit and prance around in their spandex and tight shirts. Men walk around, barely able to put down their arms, their pecs busting out of their cut off. It's intimidating. Especially when you can look around and be like, yea I used to have an ass like that (in kindergarten), and yea my stomach looks like that, if I suck mine in so tight and hold my breath so long that I risk brain damage.

I go tanning as soon as I walk into the gym. For one thing, I have never done a stand up bed before. I don't understand them. Why stand up and tan when you can lay down and tan? I would choose the lay down option any day of the week. But this is a fitness club and you're supposed to be doing calf raises or bicep curls or something while you tan. I realized that going tanning before the workout was a great idea. Full length mirrors. Even worse, full length mirrors that show every ripple in your skin. I didn't realize that gaining 20 pounds in a month would be pure fat (I mean really I thought a little bit of that might have been some muscle). But no, pure cellulite, fat rolls, dimples, everything. Looks like all the ingredients I need for a pie. So note to self. Don't look in mirror for next ten days when tanning.

First is the right choice of location for your cardio equipment. I choose the treadmill that overlooks the parking lot so that I can see if any guy I've dated is on his way in so I can run and hide in the movie room.

Then it's trying to run next to a girl with legs for days, blond and who smells like lilacs and rosemary while I'm there in a sweatshirt and smell of burnt flesh. Gotta start somewhere I suppose. Goal: To be THAT girl at the gym. The one that comes up and is so hot and fit you want to cower and cry but really it just motivates you a little more.

I ended up running 30 minutes at a 4.5 pace and I did abs. For food, I had egg substitutes (2 eggs) with 4 slices of turkey bacon. Lunch was egg salad salad on Romaine lettuce with asparagus spears. Dinner was Shrimp stir fry (no rice), and a side salad with tomato, feta cheese and raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

I also drank 4 20oz water bottles and had two cups of decaf coffee in the morning with Splenda.

I wasn't hungry at all last night or during the day. The hard part not snacking out of habit. I have realized I simply delight in the taste of good food. I love chocolate, I love my Special K cereal. Ok I'm done, talking about it makes me want it. But I don't NEED it. I just want these things. But this is the difference between a skinny person and someone like me. They don't indulge themselves all the time. I can't do that anymore I'm not 16! Besides If I don't stick to this diet, all I am eating is just fat, and I won't be burning off any carbs and I risk potentially gaining weight at first.

Day 2 tomorrow. I'll keep you updated!

I want I want I want

I just want to sell my car and live in a city where I can take the Subway to work everyday. I want to wake up and have to actually think about matching my clothes with my shoes instead of debating on if I should change from pajamas into gym wear because they are technically the same thing anyway.

I want someplace to wear all of my fancy shoes too. Instead they just sit in my closet and collect dust. And yet I still keep buying more.

I just really want this new job and the longer I go without hearing from them, the longer my faith is dwindling.