Stagnant

Life seems to often times be like a train on rails. When it is moving in the right direction, everything is going according to plan, running perfectly. But when the train starts to go off course, it can't simply stop, turn around and go back to its original direction. It has to keep going, off roading, so to speak, down a new path in hopes that this new direction will lead itself somewhere similar to the original destination.

How is it that life has a tendency to get off track so easily? And why is it that when you finally realize you feel yourself heading in an unknown direction do you often times try to put on the brakes only to find that they are not working? You have no choice but to keep moving until suddenly you wake up one day, sufficating, unsure, vulnerable, apprehensive and confused and praying that you can hold on, ride through and hope there is not an end to the tunnel you have found yourself submitting to?

This is how my life has felt lately. Of course. I'm not sure if I am making good decisions for my life. Was it a good idea to postpone school? Is it a good choice to be married to my job? To not have time for yourself? To come home so exhausted, the only thoughts that go through your mind are eat dinner, fall in bed and lay awake for hours pondering these questions that have no answers?

A friend of mine was recently in the hospital. After ruling out cancer, they found out that she is fine, but it made me start to question life in general. At the age of 25, if I had a diagnoses that I would die in less than five years, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? The answer was no. And then an even harder question came up; what are you waiting for? A husband? Or a boyfriend to share things with? Why? For your job to offer you more validation? I come up with every excuse; I can't take off work, there is no one to go with, there is not enough time, not enough money, not enough of me to go around the list of responsibilities I have to do and the ones I want to do.

I need to find my motivation. I need to stop making excuses and I need to just DO THINGS! Now that my mom is not working, maybe I will drag her to some exotic locations. Have some fun. Enjoy some more experiences. That is when I am truly happy, when I am experiencing new things, stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not when life has become stagnant and stale and boring.

Tomorrow is "put yourself together Wednesday." Get most of the things done I typically have been saving for a day off. And on my day off on Friday I am going to enjoy something new and experience something different. I may have to google this one, but I'm going to do it!