Toxic

I have been in the same relationship for the past year, and prior to that with same guy for three and a half years. I was the one who broke off the relationship the first time. After three years of his infidelities and constant going out without caring how it would affect me, I just couldn't take anymore and ended it. After two and a half years of searching, I just couldn't seem to find the love that I was looking for. There were plenty of guys in between and looking back a lot of messmorizing passion that kept me pre-occupied, but somehow "the relationship" continued to be a big part of my life as a friend. When we both found ourselves single last summer, after years apart, we thought that perhaps we were just meant to be together. Well I unfortunately got caught up in what I like to call, the cinderella complex, and thought he was prince charming, apparently to him I always was the one. Now here I am over a year later and I find myself becoming all too familiar with the couch on a nightly basis.

Mind you this is my fault and my decision. Somewhere and somehow I just lost it. I lost that loving feeling, I lost hope in the fairy tale and now I am slowly developing into an independent, relationship cynic who was once a hopeless romantic who thought every guy I dated was Mr. Right.

My only regret, I fear, is that this man, this relationship, is truly going to develop into something that I have always wanted to find and I am going to lose it. What if we are meant to be together? Is there really such a thing? Am I interfering with destiny simply because I am so selfish?

All I know for sure, is sometimes I think about our love and I truly do feel love. Other times, like tonight, I look at him and all I feel is my chest collapsing on my lungs as I slowly suffocate from his nonchalant controlling behavior, and that is when I find myself on the couch, blogging at one in the morning when I need to be sleeping.