Ugh life

Maybe it is in the change in the weather. The way the leaves are falling so suddenly. They way that life just seems to be so different over night. Either way I am in a funk I cannot seem to get out of. I have lost my motivation, my desire and my spirit. I have no sense of humor, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to talk to anyone. All I want it to take care of myself. A little time to get life together and figure out what I want and what my next move should be.

I have now reached mid-twenty. Beginning to lose my youth and starting to have to grow up when each day I am trying to figure out what growing up even means. Does growing up mean having a car payment, an apartment, a marriage, kids, divorced? Wearing the latest fashions and coming home to the smell of inscents and dinner in the crock pot? Is this grown up?

I'm in my mid twenties and have never felt so lost. I suppose that is why I am taking this birthday so hard. I woke up and realized that yesterday I loved my life and today I hate it. I hate my job. I hate that I work more than 40 hours a week. I hate that I took a semester off school to find myself, i'm 25 I should already have been found. I hate that I only have one day off a week. I hate that I live in a tiny ass apartment where I have to squeeze my new car into the worst parking spot in the lot. I hate that I have adult acne and doctors can't seem to do a thing for me even though I have spent $500 in doctor bills for their help. I am the heaviest I have ever been with weight I cannot lose. My pants don't fit but I hate how I couldn't wear them if they did because I have to wear sweats to work anyway.

But them I stop and think to myself. Michele, will changing all of this really make you happy? I am letting my discontent with life take over my life and who I am. I am becoming sad and cynical and that is just not me. I feel so out of control right now. All I wan is a little bit of control over my life again.