Midnight Ramblings

Welcome to 2011. I don't know why we feel like with the ringing in of a new year everything in our lives will magically change. Like things magically start fresh when in actuality it is just a continuation of our lives. The only thing that has changed is the date on the calendar, perhaps you had to buy a new one. This happens frequently. Nothing is different. You are left with the realization that change begins when you say it will, not with the stroke of midnight.

Present day; this is where I am. Sitting in bed, blogging near midnight thanks to insomnia because of my mid day nap. My stomach in flip flops from eating beef today, something I rarely do and my body is responding negatively to it. Ugh no more beef. I am still carrying around the extra twenty pounds I have emptied my wallet trying to take off and though my goals for this year have carried over from the last I am hoping each moment for the will power, the motivation, the desire to actually make them happen.

I have been devoid of any significant and true relationship for over a year now. Been on my own for almost the same amount of time. And though I have truly grown into the person I am in this last year alone, and have enjoyed the company of myself, a bottle of Merlot and netflix, I would be lying if I said that it isn't beginning to get lonely. You begin to miss the companionship of another human being on a level that only the two of you can understand. You begin to forget how comforting it is at times to wake up to having someone there to steal the covers from and someone who awakes at the sudden movement and wraps their arms around you to calm you, to ease you, to say without speaking that is alright to fall back asleep without hitting snooze. I find it mesmerizing how we always long for the things that we do not have at a particular moment. I used to love waking up alone. Checking my email while drinking a hot pot of coffee, not leaving the comfort of my bed for at least an hour before it was actually time to get up and begin my day. I longed for mornings when I was able to do this independently, without asking someone else if they wanted two creams or what we were going to have for breakfast. Now I literally find myself in an intricate menage a trois with my Mac Book, my blackberry and my coffee grinder dreaming of my life to be more interesting to stop lacking such substance.

When did I turn into such a cynic on the topic of love? I spent ten years in on again off again romances filled with passion, abandonment, love, betrayal, emotion, with man after man who believed in their hearts that they could not go on living if it meant doing so without me and now I am contemplating if this love exists. If a human being is capable of loving another more than themselves. If people are walking around settling and if perhaps the argument exists that I could have been just as happy in doing so as I am here at this moment, alone. I understand why we are so confusing as a monogamous culture. Why there are people out there whom of which do not believe in love.

I am excited for a new day. For these thoughts to be gone with sleep and for errands to be run with affirmation that I am a sane and ambitious person who put love second to herself and should have to make no justification in doing so. (Yes I realize the only person I am having to justify this too is myself). Someday soon I hope to finally believe so.