approval

I wish you could see how much of a double standard you are. I wish you could see how much your actions effect the mood and rationale of other people in your life. I wish you could see that it is your actions that push people away from you, that make them withdraw themselves from your life and not want to speak to you either. Your approval is no longer needed or necessary. We are all adults. Adults who will live our lives whether you agree with our method or not. Because we are happy and somehow between the disapproving snotty stares and evil glances, we have learned that it is personal happiness the equates to more in life than winning over your inner desires. I am no psychologist, nor will I pretend that my brief education of it can figure out what often times runs through your mind but one day I wish someone would stand up to you and tell you what your reflection most often shows.

Tipping the Scale

Maybe it is because I am a libra, maybe a women, either way I'm going to blame this one on the cosmos. More often than not, my greatest struggle in life is one with balance. If my life is ouy of balance then my life is in turmoil and I tend to have a pretty difficult day. I try to balance my personal life, which includes friends either in person or just reconnecting during my hour drive home on my cell phone, family and dating. Family, which is easier to balance now that I live back at home for the time being and am able to see them everyday, and dating, well dating for me will forever be complicated. Then there is my work life. Trying to manage a undertrained and determined staff, and a boss who could possibly think the same about me. I work with hot heads, flakes and detailed orientated people all in one office and I feel that I am the most even keeled somehow have to manage being the balance between them all. Then I manage my school life. Class, late night study sessions and papers that I put off until the last minute because I am well versed and am able to do so. Then I try and balance myself. There is so much that I as a person would like to do and trying to accomplish this list of things to do is forever difficult. This goes without saying the traditional everyday personal things that I must do but then an added difficulty in balancing out the things that I want to do. Such as finishing my book, blogging, working out, tanning and most importantly: sleeping.

Lately I have had an increasing difficulty in finding a balance between all of these things that I want to do in life and have to do. My number one focus should be on myself. What I want and what I don't but I never really realized how crazy my life gets if I neglect even one aspect of all of the things in my life that I have to balance between.

For instance, family. I love my sister dearly and miss her terribly and I know that she is lonely being with only her boyfriend in Chicago. As much as she calls and we stay in touch, I have only been able to manage to return her phone calls 50% of the time because I spend my time home in the car talking to my boss who seems to have more to tell me that just can't wait until I get into the office the next day.

With work, my boss keeps dumping so much new work on me that needs to be done at a prompt matter, that I am neglecting my own personal compiled list of things that I have to get done. When they don't get finished or they do just half assed because I am rushing, telling your boss that you would have got it done if she would have given you an opportunity to finish is not a good excuse. So work has been increasingly stressful because I respect authority and apologize and pretend everything to be my fault even when it is not.

With my personal life, dating and balancing friendships becomes harder each week. I have a lot of friends all of whom do not always hang out together and I make plans with those that ask me to do things in advance. If I am not "scheduled" to do something then I like to live my life at random and do the first thing that pops up that sounds fun. People seem to be starting to take it personally, more as I am blowing them off. I am not blowing you off, I am busy and you were not very quick on your mark. As mentioned in my previous blog, "gentleman, hanging out is not a DATE and I will date those that actually ask me out on a date." If you just ask to "hang out" if I am not busy then ok, but plans with friends and guys who respect me enough to take me to dinner or what not, will always get my attention first.

Well blog, I am just venting some steam here and I have been typing for a while and I would like to write another chapter in my Dear Jose book. I have set a goal to have it written and published before December 4th. Lindsay has planned a cookie exchange and wine tasting party for us girls and I would love to be able to surprise them with the book. So next week is my deadline to have it done so it has time to get to me.

Anti dating

My dating life is often a topic that includes much hilarity among my friends and I. I for one, have normally been in relationships, along with my girlfriends, so I am navigating through this thing called dating in the dark. Luckily for me, since I seem to not be very good at it, I can ignore the so called dating rules and let loose and just have fun. However, it brings me to wonder what dating truly constitutes these days. My girlfriends and I sit back and ponder these questions over endless phone calls and bottles of wine, analyzing text messages and actions. I went out on what my friend Kenny and I called an "antidate" two weeks ago. Neither one of us in relationships, but wanted to go to eat sushi and see a movie, we called upon each other to escape the bellowing stares of how odd it would have looked if we would have flown solo. It was not a date, but it was actually more of a resemblance of a date than what I have done with guys I'm actually "dating." To me hanging out is hanging out. If you are not asking me out to the cliche dinner and a movie or to hang out with you solo, then hanging out is not a date. I think that guys need a lesson on dating because girls will not think it is a date unless you pick them up, in your car and drive, take them somewhere where it is just the two of you, drop them off and walk them to the door narrowly escaping the awkward first date kiss. Anything else is not a date, it is two people who like to hang out simply doing just that "hanging out." So don't get mad when we make other plans, are hanging out with other people, or are actually going on dates with other guys. If you're not asking, neither are we. My guy friends complain to me constantly about how women are so complicated and they wish that they had a manual that came with us. We are not the complicated, we are not that hard to read, and surprisingly enough we take a lot of things at face value. It is what it is and unless you say you want a particular situation to change, we aren't bringing up the conversation. I think I'm going to write another book when I finish my dear Jose book about my dating adventures and I'll call it He's just THAT into you. Sometimes women are just as oblivious to the obvious as men and I'm beginning to fall into that category myself.

Pumpkin pie latte with a side of interesting please?

I spent my morning in a coffee shop today, being the sterotypical java junkie, studying, then working on my novel and now blogging away. A lot of interesting people walk into coffee shops. Some just pop in to get their daily decaf, others are here catching up with friends, some our learning new languages and some are here not even drinking coffee, so I'm not really sure why they are here. I wonder if people walk into the shop and look at me and wonder what kind of a person I am. I wonder if they think about what I am studying, or what I am typing away about looking os intense into my work, barely able to take a pause from typing long enough to take a sip of my pumpkin pie latte. In thinking about the type of person I am again, I am not doing so well on my addictions. I think it is impossible for me to give up chocolate and caffeine. Personally this is something that makes me who I am. I love chocolate, and kind, I'm addicted. I love caffeine. I again, am addicted. I'm doing really well on the cigarettes and casanova addiction, however, so a fifty percent success rate on the four things I was going to try and give up is good enough for me for now!

More to come later, even though my life has not been all that exciting, but I do have a "anti-date" to blog about but I have to go to work and it will have to wait until I don't have to study.

Addiction Diaries

So I am attempting, successfully surprisingly, to quit smoking. I have not been a non-smoker in years and in some very sad and disturbing way, it was one quality about me that actually made me who I am. Throughout high school and struggling through identity crisis' and deeply searching your soul for answers, I was a smoker. It defined me. I smoked. I know it sounds horrible and I know how bad it is for your health and I've read all the studies, but it was something that I did everyday. It was one thing in my life that I was always committed to and it committed to me. Mr. Marlboro was there for me in the car on my long hours of road tripping. He was there through the many bar stool sorrow sob stories and tequila shots. Mr. Marlboro was there for me even after a workout, because running a mile cancelled out the effects of at least two cigarettes right?

So now here I am, struggling with my identity a little bit now because I have recently redefined myself as a non-smoker. And since I am making such healthy choices for my life, I have decided to try and quit a slew of other addictions that often times occupy my mind, my lifestyle and my time. For instance, tequila. I love tequila. Everyone knows I love tequila. Everyone loves me on tequila. But I am going to quit drinking tequila. Even though it has created some very fond memories, lately I often find myself rubbing my head with one eye open in the morning grunting "fuck my life" over and over when I drink tequila. So I am not going to have anymore tequila.

Since I was giving up cigarettes and tequila, I decided to try and give up another vice of mine: sugar. Sugar and I have a very intimate relationship. I eat it everyday. I even eat chocolate for breakfast with the excuse that it helps make me thirsty so I start my day off right with two glasses of water. So today is going to be my last day of eating sugar, for a while, giving up sugar completely for a lifetime is a goal even I know is unattainable.

And while I was on this path of self discovery and health, I have decided to give up my addiction of model-Esq males. Yes, I admit, I am shallow. I date only for appearance at times and it never ends well, in fact I can even tell you how it will end before I even go out on a date with them (if there is a date). Because let me tell you, these pretty boys only care about themselves, so if they can drag themselves out of their state of narcissism long enough to ask what YOU might want to do, then you might get a date. If not (and usually not) you (I) get a blue eyed snake who spits venom in the form of sex appeal and I go numb every time. Well not anymore. I am going to date outside of the box, when the situation arises and I am going to run far away from these modern day Casanovas and never look back.

They have done studies that says it takes six months to develop a habit and it takes a lifetime to break one. I realized while I was in the hospital that I needed to make a drastic change in my life. A change for the good, and this was something that I was terrified to do because it is different. I was the tequila shooting, womanizer dating, red smoking beautiful disaster. But this is not how I want to be viewed when I do meet people. I want to be interesting. I want to be fit and healthy. This is going to be a struggle everyday and I will keep you updated in the blog on my addiction diaries. I am excited to turn over a new leaf!

The black scarf

So today I feel most out of character. I am surprisingly at ease. I have many things to do, many things I want to do, but slowly my to do list is dwindling and I am now in a shocking place not quite knowing what to do with myself when I am not in a hurry or a rush. There has been no hustle to my day. I was late to chemistry lab, but it was fine. I was late to genetics, but we didn't even start on time. I was late into work and yet, find myself sitting with no work to do until my class begins.

I went shopping today. I was on a mission. One, I had many coupons and gift cards to my favorite store, so I wanted to spend that, but I also was on a mission to find this black scarf. I wanted a black scarf and bangle bracelets and I had them perfectly pictured in my head. I was already coordinating all the outfits that I could put together with these pieces of accessories and I was so excited that when I got out of lab early I raced to the store without hesitancy to complete my mission.

Upon arriving to the store, I was dissappointed to find that even though they had a black scarf and bangle bracelets, they were not exactly what I was looking for. Instead of giving up the search or leaving to find exactly what I wanted, I purchased them because they were close enough and why waste another trip and more time when I didn't really know if the perfect scarf or bangle set truly existed.

I realized that this was what I was doing in my life. I have these ideals in my head that are fantastic. I get excited about searching for them. I hunt for them, I prey on them. When I think I find them, even if they are not exactly what I want, I accept less than perfection because I feel that close enough is good enough for me.

Close enough is not good enough, because close enough is not what I want for my life. I want my ideal, I want my dream job with my dreamy husband and my dream car. My dream job is not one in which I make a lot of money, it is one that makes me happy. My dream husband does not have to be six feet tall with muscles a tan and lots of money, but he does have to have the qualities that I value which might not be the same to everyone else. My dream car is not a mercedes. It is a small SUV that doesn't squeal when it rains nor has rust on the side of the car.

My point is, is that life is like the perfect black scarf. Sure black realistically goes with everything, but why settle for a scarf that you are not in love with when you could simply accessorize with a fabulous hat!

At peace with the Universe

For the past two years, something that started as a fun Halloween party at work, has turned into a bright light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. We had this lady come in who was a medium, a saint, a spirit guide, a clarvoyant, however you chose to view her based on her experience. With the wonders of technology and facebook of course, I have managed to connect with her passionate wisdom from above on a daily basis. I use her as a guide to life. She has the ability to stay still and connect to the Universe. A Universe that places people and signs in our path on a daily basis, but we are just too wrapped up in our mundane tasks to be still and see them, to listen to them. We all have that inner voice, intuition, that funny feeling in the pit of our stomach, but often times we choose to ignore it. We my recent perils, my inability to make a decision, my quick wit and thinking, my move from my apartment, the devastation from a broken heart, the unwillingness to settle and so much more, I needed to be sure that I was on the right path. Tears, forty dollars and a phone call later, this is what the universe had to say for me...

Lion- leader
Greetings
There have been many people leading without authority. You have actually had the answers all along
but have been unsure in your leader role to take a stand with all of these larger energies.
This is the dawning of a new day.. This hurdle/obstacle will set the pace for all of the other leadership
roles that you are playing, and will become very simple to overcome. Since they are all reflective of your
confidence to know what is needed for your life.
Your intuition is developing and as you begin to trust the inner knowing will get stronger and you will
identify these familiar scenarios before they begin…….

Those are words directly from my spirit guide, watching over my life and evaluating my decisions on a daily basis. Of course we discussed what this meant and why it had any relation to my life. But even if you do not believe in any of this, it was a pretty strong message.