Yay! Chivalry is not dead!

So I did almost slip and fall on my ass last night. Heels and ice are not a great combination, apparently. However, I did manage to keep from getting anything in my teeth and I am impressed with my ability to have a few drinks and not say anything stupid. I never realized how nice is it to be able to go out with a good looking guy, have great conversation and be treated so chivalrously. He opened my car door, and actually closed it behind me. He tried sushi for the first time and his adventurous nature was appreciated. I even avoided the awkward kiss goodnight at the end of the evening, even though I think he was hoping for it. We'll see how this turns out. I'm still uneasy about getting involved in a relationship, especially since I got the vibe that a relationship is exactly what he is looking for. But for the time being, it is nice to feel nervous butterflies again!

Butterflies or Anxiety

Feeling a little anxious. A little nervous. Yet at the same time not sure how I feel at all. I have a date. Like an actual date. He is on his way to pick me up and here I am blogging about my insecure feeling. Probably because I wish it was someone else. Maybe because I am not ready. Maybe because I have been entitled a maneater twice this week thus far or maybe because I am simply afraid of dating period. Not really sure. I have not been on a traditional date in a long time. The kind where he picks you up, pays for dinner and drops you back off awkwardly at the end of the night. I have not done this in over two years. What if I get something in my teeth? What if I say something stupid? What if I slip and fall in my high heels and embarrass myself?

Ugh the woes of singlehood. I'll blog more later. I don't anticipate it being an exceptionally late evening.

Renew my Right to Read please!

My library card has expired. I am slightly baffled. What do you mean expired? How does one's library card expire? Isn't learning a lifelong process? Isn't reading encouraged? Not sure how I feel about this. Now I need to go all the way up town!

Fear of Flying

What am I so afraid of? Independence? Failure? Love? I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want? Mediocrity. That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid that my passion will not substitute for lack of talent. I am afraid to fail, so instead of saying Has ta La Vista to my job, my path and doing what I really want, I am stuck.

What have I got to lose? Money? I can live without it if I have to. I have done it before. End up living back at home, sleeping the basement. That is where I am now. Because I have failed before. On numerous occasions. And I have started over. Because that is what you do.

I wish I could fly around the world. I wish I could take beautiful pictures all day long. I wish I could write so that I could support my desire to travel and take beautiful pictures of the world I long to see.

I am tired. Sleep, school, work, home, homework, bills, repeat. That is the mediocrity of my day. I suppose when I think about what I am afraid of and what my life is, I should have no fear. I am living my fear day in and day out. On repeat. As if I were Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day. Please somebody shake things up a bit in my world. Give me heartache, butterflies, laughter, sorrow, anything but boredom!

I do not long for a glamourous life. I will get dirty. I will sweat and survive unshowered for days. I will wear cargos, sketchers and an cami with an Australian outback hat. I just want to experience. I am thankful for the experiences I have had in life thus far. But I long for more. I do not long for love. Maybe I am afraid of that as well. I have been in love. But ever since I lost love, I have not loved. Lord Alfred Tennyson, hopefully is rolling in his grave right now. Having lost love has left me cold and heartless.

I try to tell myself I just haven't found "the one." That is why you are bitter. This is why you are newly and happily single. In reality, I have done a complete 180. I used to be in one relationship to another, and if I wasn't in one, there were always men in between who kept me occupied. I have never been alone, nor have I ever enjoyed it so much so. However, I am fearful that coming to this realization at almost 25, is not very good timing. I should have taken time to discover this a long time ago, and just maybe the love that I have lost wouldn't have been lost at all. It was bad timing. I was not ready for such a great person in my life. Now I am and I can't find one ready for the nice person that I am. Oh the irony.

I think I am going to try and find creative ways to support my dreams (bank robbery, escorting, illicit drugs), until I can manage to muster up the courage to once again disappoint my parents, prepare them to provide me with a warm spot on the couch and tell my job adios

Goodbye to You

So I decided to give destiny a little kick in the pants today. So a few posts ago, I had mentioned the awkwardness of one of my evenings out by running into my said ex boyfriend, whom of which I still have a secret crush on. Well both him and I like MMA fighting and we actually had a really good date at an MMA fight. Well I actually ended up seeing him out AGAIN on Saturday night. (Destiny, Fate, God, Buddha, whomever is up there, needs to stop torturing me, I know). When I saw today that there is an upcoming fight at the end of February, I saw it as a perfect opportunity to ask him to go. So I did. He said, he'd love to go, as long as he doesn't have to work. So cross your fingers blogger that he doesn't have to work! This may be my "in," ....again.

On a separate yet related note, I told Ryan that I just didn't have time to date at this point. Which isn't entirely true, even if I meant that deep down I know there is not enough of a connection between us to create any long term meaningful relationship. It's sad because we have been friends for a long time and I think, I take that back, I know, this will effect our friendship but I needed to be honest, even if it wasn't enitirely true, wow isn't that a paradox. Nonetheless, I do feel bad but he asked me to do something Thursday, I already had plans. He asked me to do something Friday and I already had plans and he said he is giving up trying to hang out with me. Which is understandable, I would too. I told him, I am busy, you need to make plans with me. He says, he doesn't make plans. In that case, we're not going to work. So for now it is probably for the best. If we had a really good connection, I would feel a lot more upset about it than I actually do.

So for now, I have to go to the lab. I will write more later!

Time Traveler

HELP! HOW DO YOU STOP TIME?....Ugh, I need the hours to stop ticking by. It is my first day off in three weeks. The last I shall have in a month! I find myself overly consumed with a never ending to do list and I am trying to find a balance between what I have to do and what I want to do. I have to do laundry...it has piled in my room for three weeks. I want to paint today. I have to clean out my car and get an oil change. I want to workout. They're simply are not enough hours in the day sometimes!

BTW...I am loving the blogging and journaling on a daily basis. It is really inspiring me to do good things with my life and to concentrate on myself for a few minutes each day.

Update later...Chow Bella!

Plan A

I went to the bookstore yesterday and just wondered around for about an hour or so. I was acting out of desperation, needing to do something that I enjoyed to break up my work week a little bit and mundane monotony that has become my life. I wanted to buy this book, 1000 places to see before you die. I bought it and decided to make it my life's mission to try and see as many places in the book as possible. Mind you, these places are all over the world and expensive, so that might be difficult to obtain. Nonetheless, it never hurts to dream or have a handy guide to help steer you in the right direction when I find time to actually take a vacation.

I wonder how you get to become a travel writer. Or hold a job like the lady on the travel channel. I would love to find out. I'm going to have to look into this I think. If I could find an opportunity like that I would jump on it in a heart beat, at least for a year or so. Traveling the world is a dream of mine. Funding this dream, of course, is always the issue.

However, I did happen to come across this book called Skinny Bitchin. I read their previous book, Skinny Bitch, about the dangers of the food we eat and that we all should just become Vegans. After trying this until I was diagnosed with a disease that contradicted this lifestyle entirely, I learned two concepts about the book. One; you're skinny because unless you have a personal chef or time for creative recipes, there isn't much you can eat. Two; You're a bitch, because all you want is a f*n cheeseburger every time you bite into some bland tofu and spinach salad. Anyway, I picked up this book, and here it is a journal filled with inspirational quotations and helpful writing guides to becoming the best you can and fulfilling your dreams and your goals. Sticking with my goal of this being the year of me and self discovery, I bought it, and it has turned into my personal travel bible that I actually cannot wait to write in everyday. It challenges my thoughts on life and my intellect and I love it.

On a separate yet slightly related note, I'm starting to be viewed by others as a work-a-holic and I don't think I like this very much. It would be one thing if I worked all of the time in a job that would provide me with the ability to move up in my position, but with my work, I hold the highest position you can have without being an owner of your own company. Being an owner, is not my goal, and I don't think I like the fact that I have forever hit a glass ceiling with what I do. Of course there are always more goals to achieve, more accreditation's and awards and honors, all which are hard to obtain and are hard to do when you are of such a young age. I am twenty four, and being that young and being a director of a program such as mine is a feat in itself. Still I keep wanting more in my life and I am not able to pursue it because of my long strenuous hours. It's sad when school and work are both my plan B in my life. I still have yet to define plan A. This is my problem. I am spending so much time working on my back up plans that I have neglecting to even determine a Plan A.

This year I plan on figuring out my plan A.