Fear of Flying

What am I so afraid of? Independence? Failure? Love? I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want? Mediocrity. That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid that my passion will not substitute for lack of talent. I am afraid to fail, so instead of saying Has ta La Vista to my job, my path and doing what I really want, I am stuck.

What have I got to lose? Money? I can live without it if I have to. I have done it before. End up living back at home, sleeping the basement. That is where I am now. Because I have failed before. On numerous occasions. And I have started over. Because that is what you do.

I wish I could fly around the world. I wish I could take beautiful pictures all day long. I wish I could write so that I could support my desire to travel and take beautiful pictures of the world I long to see.

I am tired. Sleep, school, work, home, homework, bills, repeat. That is the mediocrity of my day. I suppose when I think about what I am afraid of and what my life is, I should have no fear. I am living my fear day in and day out. On repeat. As if I were Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day. Please somebody shake things up a bit in my world. Give me heartache, butterflies, laughter, sorrow, anything but boredom!

I do not long for a glamourous life. I will get dirty. I will sweat and survive unshowered for days. I will wear cargos, sketchers and an cami with an Australian outback hat. I just want to experience. I am thankful for the experiences I have had in life thus far. But I long for more. I do not long for love. Maybe I am afraid of that as well. I have been in love. But ever since I lost love, I have not loved. Lord Alfred Tennyson, hopefully is rolling in his grave right now. Having lost love has left me cold and heartless.

I try to tell myself I just haven't found "the one." That is why you are bitter. This is why you are newly and happily single. In reality, I have done a complete 180. I used to be in one relationship to another, and if I wasn't in one, there were always men in between who kept me occupied. I have never been alone, nor have I ever enjoyed it so much so. However, I am fearful that coming to this realization at almost 25, is not very good timing. I should have taken time to discover this a long time ago, and just maybe the love that I have lost wouldn't have been lost at all. It was bad timing. I was not ready for such a great person in my life. Now I am and I can't find one ready for the nice person that I am. Oh the irony.

I think I am going to try and find creative ways to support my dreams (bank robbery, escorting, illicit drugs), until I can manage to muster up the courage to once again disappoint my parents, prepare them to provide me with a warm spot on the couch and tell my job adios