Life Update

So I find it a little ironic that the theme of the year is "2010, The Year of You," plus it is the year of the OX in the Chinese New Year, my animal, and I am going through a self identity quarter life crisis. Perhaps it is a good thing that I am keeping a blog this year so that I can look back a year from now and hopefully see some profound change in myself and my life. I have realized a lot about myself this last year. I have been through the wringer and in hindsight, I have made a lot of life changing decisions for my life, but non of which seem to be taking me in the right direction, even though maybe it is just God working in mysterious ways. Or whomever it is I am praying too when I talk aloud randomly throughout the day, begging for a sign or a sense of direction.

I still find myself to be chaotic and horrible in my relationships. I have a slew of men asking me out on dates. All of which are nice, goal oriented men, with stable jobs. I mean really you cannot be picky these days. However, I am spending my time pining after an ex boyfriend, still clinging to the idea that he is just shy and is waiting for me to make the first move, while I continue to believe that I can keep separate an emotional and sexual relationship with a guy I know is just bad news.

I realized the other night that I am ready to settle down. I am ready to have someone to share my life with, to come home to, someone who will be there for me on an emotional level and support me. I am looking for an equal, a partner, a soulmate. However, I then realized that if I were a guy looking for the same qualities, I wouldn't date me. I am completely giving off the impression that I am carefree, fun, a quiltless pleasure who lacks any real sense of emotional connections to the men that I am dating, which is obvious by the company that I am choosing to date. What guy would honestly want to get serious with me, when I don't even take my search for love serious? I am letting them call when they want, see me when they want, and this is because I am only allowing this to occur when it is convenient for me.

Work is continuing to be stressful and I question my ability to do my job everyday. All the while, I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted. I wanted to feel needed, demanded, and I wanted the responsibility and the stress that came with the job. However, I am realizing more and more that the outcome doesn't seem to be a benefit at all. There is no recognition, the hours are long. I don't get to just take off work. In fact, I am working everyday until we close for a week for Easter break, and I'm sure they are going to expect me to come in during that time. I need a break. I need some fun. I need a companion to go and have fun with to make it worth taking a break.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I haven't even had time to shave my legs. No wonder my hormones are out of control and my skin is breaking out, which in turn makes me feel worse about myself so hence the emotional cycle that is my life. I need a day. A day to sleep, to paint my nails, to get a pedicure, to dye my hair, to just do me.

I still have my goal of losing 10 pounds before March. I am not very optimistic on that goal. I haven't even had time to shave my legs, let alone squeeze in a workout. With school starting this week, I need to just get settled and then get myself on a schedule. I decided to give up chocolate for lent, even though I am not catholic, and don't know if I can leave without sugar. But I am going to try. I also think that it is ironic that Lent begins right after Valentines Day this year.

Ok enough for my life updates for now. I am going to try and get some sleep tonight. At least more than the four hours I got last night, plus the one hour of sleep I got in a freezing cold car waiting for my class to start this morning.