Satirical Article Inspired by my friend Ann

New Ocular Condition Reported Among Single Men

Doctors have discovered a new ocular condition that has been reported by numerous single women around the country. The condition seems to be affecting mostly single men, and a small portion of those engaged to be, or already are married. This disease seems to be brought on around the onset of puberty and certain drugs such as Cialis and Viagra tend to create a heavier onset of side effects.

Doctors are currently in the process of intensely studying this condition and have decided to name it slutaracts for the symptoms that it causes in many men.

"I first noticed that my boyfriend had a problem when he came home one night and I was waiting for him in my negligee' and he walked right passed me and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator," says Billy Jean of WV. "I know romance goes out the door a little bit after three years, but really? The beer seemed more appealing than I did at the time?"

"I noticed that every "nice guy" I met that seemed interested in me would end up hooking up with my friend. Even after he would say that he wanted a classy girl, he always would sleep with my friend the next night. I started to feel hopeless and disheveled, until I learned about this condition. It gave me hope that one day men will see faithfully again," Anonymous, Toledo Ohio

As Doctor B.S. Hit says, Slutaracts affects the dilation of the pupils and the surrounding vessels in the cornea. It creates eyes that are like tractor beams and zones on, well, slutty behavior. When we began testing for this condition we used girlfriends, plain Jane's and wholesome girls as the control. When sluts entered the room or girls who smelled of bad decisions, the eyes immediately glazed over and focused on nothing but the other stimuli. The vessels sent signals in the brain that seemed to over ride cognitive reasoning and these guys just didn't care.

So what is the cure for slutaracts and is there hope for women out there to meet a nice wholesome man some day? Doctor B.S Hit weighs in.

"Of course there is hope. Luckily are panel of doctors have discovered that not all men are effected by this. It does seem to decrease with age and maturity with only a small percentage of men still being affected with this after the age of 30. We also noticed that men raised under good moral values seemed to be affected less by slutaracts. My advice to women is to simply avoid these men until they are cured of this. Do not try to cure them yourselves, it brings on more symptoms such as hatred, resentment, and actually increases the side effects of slutaracts."

So there you are ladies. The truth behind the astonishing new ocular disease leaving women vulnerable and helpless in the path of ocular slut hunters. Good news is that doctors are still looking for a cure, unfortunately with as much stimuli effecting men on a daily basis, and with the Internet, it is becoming increasingly difficult but they are hopeful.