What If....

I get online yesterday and an old boyfriend IM's. Mind you, this is probably one of the only guys that I dated that I actually remain to be really close to. He is my douchbag. I love him more than words can describe in a way that is not romantic but in a way that I would do anything for him if need be and he would reciprocate. We had a great friendship before we dated and remained to have a great friendship when it ended. It did not end on bad terms, he simply was going to have an illegitimate love child with a former girlfriend and I was not ready to be the girlfriend to a guy with a baby mama and baby mama drama. So it ended, simply, or so I thought.

So he IM's me just to see how I am doing and then begins discussing his current relationship woes and then asks THE question..."Do you ever wonder what if?" What if we never ended what we had? Mind you, we had a fantastic relationship which is why we can remain to be so close now, but he made me start to realize that I have always had a lot of what ifs when it comes to relationships. A lot of relationships in my life have ended leaving a what if on either my half or theirs.

There was Scotch, whom of which I dated for three years and then had such a strong what if that we tried it again and of course it didn't work. What if closed.

There was the Murse, aka the SM...whom of which I still wonder what if about. What if our timing had been better? What if I hadn't just gotten out of such a horrible relationship? What if, what if, what if.

A friend of mine who is a complete realist and makes a lot of sense told me one night...Michele stop with the what ifs, are you with him? NO then there is no what if, it wasn't meant to be and you need to move on. In reflection of this statement, she is correct. If you're not with them then it is pretty universally obvious that you are not the "one" however, what about the stupid stories about lost love and love found and reunited love. Should we be realists on the what ifs and chalk it up to flighty thought in times of solice? Or is there hope that perhaps fate is testing you through time?

I don't have the answers and I realize that I never will. My mind argues back and forth on this. One argument for the romance. It happens, there is a soul mate for everyone, you will find that GREAT love. The other side says...shut the f&*k up! If he's not calling you, not asking you out, and not seeing you HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU...even f*&^*#g prince charming chased down Cinderella to give her back her SHOE...if you were really the one that "got away" you'd think they'd make a little effort to return you're HEART!

Ahhh maybe one day I will have all the answers. I am seriously considering becoming a monk so that I can become enlightened on this!