Don't make me bust a cap in your ass!

I have lived a pretty sheltered life...aware from harm that is. I have never been a victim of a crime nor ever really witnessed one for that matter. I grew up in a small town where it was perfectly acceptable and normal not to lock your doors at night and to allow your children the freedom to run yards away from you at the beach or the park. Now here I am, this sheltered, young white, suburban girl living in a big city alone in a neighborhood that I am not familiar with and with people I am also not familiar with. I have always been the type of person to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I believe that everyone is a good person and not capable of inhumane actions.

This morning I was laying on the couch watching a movie and enjoying my morning cup of java crack in a cup (my version of REALLY strong coffee). I hear a really light tap at my door. So light in fact that I had to ask if it was really my door or potentially a louder knock on a neighbors. Mind you, I was not expecting company. My building is also secure, so that only people that can be in the building are those that live here or those invited. I hear another light tap and realize it is in fact my door. Sometimes my next door neighbor will come over and let me know when I park horribly and so I looked out the window to see if perhaps this was all it was about. However, I was parked fine, as was my neighbor. I hear another soft tap and a door knob jiggle and I immediately get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I grab my phone and creep to the door. I look out my peep hole and see two young black men outside my door. Mind you, it would not matter if they were white, yellow or purple for that matter. It was simply the fact that there were two men, two men I did not recognize from the building, and they were standing outside whispering and jiggled my door knob. This feeling rushed from the top of my head to the tip of my toes and back up to settle in my gut. I thought the worst. I am going to get robbed and I have nothing but a cheap dollar store set of knives that hardly cut chicken and a set of 10lb dumbbells to defend myself. I run into my bedroom, push my book case in front of the door and call the police.

The dispatcher, though trying to be helpful probably thought I was crazy. "Did you ask them what they wanted?" "No I didn't want them to know I was home." "Well maybe they have the wrong apartment. Go and ask what they want, I will stay on the phone, I can have a cop there in less than five minutes if something happens." "Lady, I live in a locked building with 10 0ther tenants! I don't think they just want a cup of sugar."

So I go to the door and they are now gone. However, that horrible feeling in my stomach is not gone. So what did I do today. I went home. I figured if I'm going to be robbed they can at least do it without me in the house. While I was at home, I made my dad take me to a shooting range and I got myself a gun. I feel a lot better...and I will feel even more at ease if the cute MMA fighter whom of which I had another date with last night, comes over to protect me with his "guns." Ok I know that was cheesy but have to have a little fun with it.

We went to dinner last night, went and walked around at the beach and the park and then came back here to watch a movie. He did not stay because he had to go home to let out the dogs but there was an awkward good night kiss! Not awkward because it was bad, but awkward in a good way. That first fully lucid, end of the night, do we or don't we moment that lasts seconds before you make a decision to go for it and seconds before you are walking out the door, leaving a feeling that lingers so delicately in the air you do not want to move for fear of ruining it. A chemical firing of hormones and pheromones leaving you wanting more, to see if there is more. That feeling of falling and anticipating the ground below but instead you are in a state of floatation. I have missed this feeling. This is a feeling I have not felt in a long time and it is a feeling that you often times take advantage of. I am lucky to have this blog, because I want to capture this feeling and hold it forever in my memory with my words. Maybe I will feel it again, maybe I won't, maybe it will last forever. One never knows. This is what makes it so valuable. You simply never know.