Time Traveler

HELP! HOW DO YOU STOP TIME?....Ugh, I need the hours to stop ticking by. It is my first day off in three weeks. The last I shall have in a month! I find myself overly consumed with a never ending to do list and I am trying to find a balance between what I have to do and what I want to do. I have to do laundry...it has piled in my room for three weeks. I want to paint today. I have to clean out my car and get an oil change. I want to workout. They're simply are not enough hours in the day sometimes!

BTW...I am loving the blogging and journaling on a daily basis. It is really inspiring me to do good things with my life and to concentrate on myself for a few minutes each day.

Update later...Chow Bella!

Plan A

I went to the bookstore yesterday and just wondered around for about an hour or so. I was acting out of desperation, needing to do something that I enjoyed to break up my work week a little bit and mundane monotony that has become my life. I wanted to buy this book, 1000 places to see before you die. I bought it and decided to make it my life's mission to try and see as many places in the book as possible. Mind you, these places are all over the world and expensive, so that might be difficult to obtain. Nonetheless, it never hurts to dream or have a handy guide to help steer you in the right direction when I find time to actually take a vacation.

I wonder how you get to become a travel writer. Or hold a job like the lady on the travel channel. I would love to find out. I'm going to have to look into this I think. If I could find an opportunity like that I would jump on it in a heart beat, at least for a year or so. Traveling the world is a dream of mine. Funding this dream, of course, is always the issue.

However, I did happen to come across this book called Skinny Bitchin. I read their previous book, Skinny Bitch, about the dangers of the food we eat and that we all should just become Vegans. After trying this until I was diagnosed with a disease that contradicted this lifestyle entirely, I learned two concepts about the book. One; you're skinny because unless you have a personal chef or time for creative recipes, there isn't much you can eat. Two; You're a bitch, because all you want is a f*n cheeseburger every time you bite into some bland tofu and spinach salad. Anyway, I picked up this book, and here it is a journal filled with inspirational quotations and helpful writing guides to becoming the best you can and fulfilling your dreams and your goals. Sticking with my goal of this being the year of me and self discovery, I bought it, and it has turned into my personal travel bible that I actually cannot wait to write in everyday. It challenges my thoughts on life and my intellect and I love it.

On a separate yet slightly related note, I'm starting to be viewed by others as a work-a-holic and I don't think I like this very much. It would be one thing if I worked all of the time in a job that would provide me with the ability to move up in my position, but with my work, I hold the highest position you can have without being an owner of your own company. Being an owner, is not my goal, and I don't think I like the fact that I have forever hit a glass ceiling with what I do. Of course there are always more goals to achieve, more accreditation's and awards and honors, all which are hard to obtain and are hard to do when you are of such a young age. I am twenty four, and being that young and being a director of a program such as mine is a feat in itself. Still I keep wanting more in my life and I am not able to pursue it because of my long strenuous hours. It's sad when school and work are both my plan B in my life. I still have yet to define plan A. This is my problem. I am spending so much time working on my back up plans that I have neglecting to even determine a Plan A.

This year I plan on figuring out my plan A.

Life Update

So I find it a little ironic that the theme of the year is "2010, The Year of You," plus it is the year of the OX in the Chinese New Year, my animal, and I am going through a self identity quarter life crisis. Perhaps it is a good thing that I am keeping a blog this year so that I can look back a year from now and hopefully see some profound change in myself and my life. I have realized a lot about myself this last year. I have been through the wringer and in hindsight, I have made a lot of life changing decisions for my life, but non of which seem to be taking me in the right direction, even though maybe it is just God working in mysterious ways. Or whomever it is I am praying too when I talk aloud randomly throughout the day, begging for a sign or a sense of direction.

I still find myself to be chaotic and horrible in my relationships. I have a slew of men asking me out on dates. All of which are nice, goal oriented men, with stable jobs. I mean really you cannot be picky these days. However, I am spending my time pining after an ex boyfriend, still clinging to the idea that he is just shy and is waiting for me to make the first move, while I continue to believe that I can keep separate an emotional and sexual relationship with a guy I know is just bad news.

I realized the other night that I am ready to settle down. I am ready to have someone to share my life with, to come home to, someone who will be there for me on an emotional level and support me. I am looking for an equal, a partner, a soulmate. However, I then realized that if I were a guy looking for the same qualities, I wouldn't date me. I am completely giving off the impression that I am carefree, fun, a quiltless pleasure who lacks any real sense of emotional connections to the men that I am dating, which is obvious by the company that I am choosing to date. What guy would honestly want to get serious with me, when I don't even take my search for love serious? I am letting them call when they want, see me when they want, and this is because I am only allowing this to occur when it is convenient for me.

Work is continuing to be stressful and I question my ability to do my job everyday. All the while, I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted. I wanted to feel needed, demanded, and I wanted the responsibility and the stress that came with the job. However, I am realizing more and more that the outcome doesn't seem to be a benefit at all. There is no recognition, the hours are long. I don't get to just take off work. In fact, I am working everyday until we close for a week for Easter break, and I'm sure they are going to expect me to come in during that time. I need a break. I need some fun. I need a companion to go and have fun with to make it worth taking a break.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I haven't even had time to shave my legs. No wonder my hormones are out of control and my skin is breaking out, which in turn makes me feel worse about myself so hence the emotional cycle that is my life. I need a day. A day to sleep, to paint my nails, to get a pedicure, to dye my hair, to just do me.

I still have my goal of losing 10 pounds before March. I am not very optimistic on that goal. I haven't even had time to shave my legs, let alone squeeze in a workout. With school starting this week, I need to just get settled and then get myself on a schedule. I decided to give up chocolate for lent, even though I am not catholic, and don't know if I can leave without sugar. But I am going to try. I also think that it is ironic that Lent begins right after Valentines Day this year.

Ok enough for my life updates for now. I am going to try and get some sleep tonight. At least more than the four hours I got last night, plus the one hour of sleep I got in a freezing cold car waiting for my class to start this morning.

Venting...

I am really annoyed right now and I just need an opportunity to get it off of my chest. First of all, I haven't had a day off for almost two weeks. In fact it will be two weeks of straight work by the time my day off on Friday rolls around. Not to mention the fact that due to another competition I also have to work Sunday as well as all weekend next weekend, and the following weekend, and also the following weekend. After Friday, my next day off isn't going to be until February 2oth. So on top of already having a hard time finding time for myself, dating is obviously difficult when you are never home. I've been gone since Friday at 5:30 in the morning. I got home tonight at almost 6:00pm and I wanted to take a nap and just lay around the house. I have been working twelve hour days for the past week without a day off. The last thing I want to do is go anywhere, do anything. Ryan just simply did not understand that and was mad at me for not wanting to hang out tonight. Hello, this is why I am single. I'm selfish and busy and simply do not have time for everyday annoyances like this. On top of that, I am annoyed with work. There is so much to be done and I am unmotivated to do it because I don't think it will matter anyway. I am annoyed with myself for still living at home, I am annoyed that I pay $300 a month to a credit card whose balance never seems to come down. I am annoyed because the guy that I really want to be with doesn't know that my feelings even exist anymore. I am ready to settle down. I am annoyed that my life isn't settling down. I am annoyed that I cannot go on vacation and I am annoyed that I don't have enough time in the day or enough money to do the things that I really want to do.

Always read the day after; it makes more sense

You know how you read your horoscope and since they are so general they could apply to one facet of your life but then that doesn't happen, but something else happens that could relate to it as well and then it makes a lot more sense? Well in hindsight I think I discovered what my horoscope from my previous post was talking about and it had nothing to do with the gorgeous ex boyfriend. However, a gorgeous Aussie on the other hand, yes, so either way it was a win win situation.

I spent almost two hours talking with the guy that we interviewed at work the other day. The guy that for some reason, I just have this feeling that I will see again, even though he is 2000 miles away and didn't like Cleveland all that much. Either way, I suppose it is just as nice to keep in contact with him, even if it is via the Internet. The power of communication.

Uncanny

You've got a few more hours to get back into contact with the person you know you need to talk with -- and you know it's important that you talk with them now. So if they're on your mind, it's a good bet that you're on theirs, too. Who's going to give in first? No one knows. But it definitely won't help to try to win the waiting game. Somebody has to be brave, honest and magnanimous enough to make the first move. Bet it's you.

This was my horoscope today. Uncanny? Fate? Oh what to do. I am a firm believer in fate and signs and what not, but do I chalk this up as your traditional basic horoscope that anyone can relate to their life, or do I take it literally, stop being a baby and send a text to the gorgeous ex that I happened to run into last night?

Awkwardness

I always seem to find myself in the most awkward situations. However, I believe that the awkwardness that often times occurs in a random evening out, leads me to reevaluate a lot of situations that I am in. Let me tell you about my evening;

It was my cousin's birthday, her and her boyfriend happen to share the same birthday. I knew her boyfriend before she knew him when I dated his friend almost two years ago now. His friend, whom of which, still after two years, I secretly just hold onto the delusion that we are mean't to be together and we will date again someday. So I go to meet them out at the Winking Lizard, taking Ryan, who went to school with these guys as well. We get there and everything is fine, the said ex is not there and my blood pressure remained at a relatively stable consistency. Around 30 minutes pass and who happens to walk through the door? I'm sure you guessed it. Of course he was not alone. He was with a girl that I did not think was by any means attractive. She was homely looking and when she smiled all you could focus on were her gums, which were considerably larger than her teeth, which was a pretty impressive feet, even for mother nature. I suppose I am a little bias and more so, I am jealous. The most awkward part of the night was when we get to the next bar and it is Bill, his date, my date and myself. Then my date goes to get a beer, his date goes to the restroom and we are left alone, it was awkward. My heart was racing, I was starting to sweat. It just wasn't a fun situation.

Of course when we head back towards home to meet up with Ryan's friend, who's girlfriend was out for her birthday, I run into yet again ANOTHER ex boyfriend, the one I lived in Florida with and whose ex girlfriend hates me. Even though we broke up over three years ago, everytime I see them out she gives me the dirtiest looks. Her insecurities ooze from her evil glare and I am about at my wits end with her judge mental stares. The only thing she should be judging is the education of her hair stylist. Bleach is not a hair dye sweetheart. Being stone sober last night, at one point of the evening I over heard her yelling at her boyfriend for saying hi to me and complaining that I said hi reluctantly and would have dragged him out by the hair if he actually had any.

I wish I could say that these situations rarely occur in my life, but this is anything but the case. However, it made me realize something last night. In speaking with my friend Chris, who has always been an advocate of Bill and I getting back together, we were having a conversation about how hard dating is getting the older that we are getting. Him, being with his on again off again girlfriend of six years (they are not on again), he feels he is ready to settle down. I stated that I don't believe I am ready to settle down at all, and he just looks and me and says, Michele, yes you are, it's just ironic that you can't because you haven't found "the one." He states this and looks directly at my ex. I thought about this for a while and he of course is correct. I am ready to settle down with someone. I have been shuffling guys in and out of my life so much because I quickly find a quality in them that I don't care for and that's all I can focus on and soon I cut them from my life. Being out last night and being sober, I realized that I am starting to get over the scene of things. I am ready to start to settle down I just haven't done so because I am not dating anyone worth settling for. Perhaps it isn't about that. Perhaps I should start settling MY life down, not OUR life. I'm assuming that would be the adult thing to do. I'm going to contemplate this over the next week.