Tool Detox

I have gone back and forth in my head for over six months. I have blogged. I have cried (internally), I have been angry and I have been happy. After looking through recent blogs and those over the past few months and after coming to some realizations that I knew but just didn't want to believe I think I have finally figured out what I knew all along. I am a great girl who just happened to get caught up in feelings of being wanted. When he is with me, he makes me feel wanted and desired in a way that I never knew existed and that felt great. This is what makes a womanizer, a womanizer. They make you feel wanted and desired and incredible when you are with them. I do not do drugs, but this is what I imagine an addiction to feel like. When you are high you feel wonderful, and then you crash without the drugs. Then you need a little bit more the second time around to get your fix and then more and more and eventually you spiral out of control. He was my high, my fix. But I need to forget about the good times because I realized they were spent with any real substance. Besides this past week, they weren't spent doing anything of importance or anything that was fun and exciting. Times before they were spent in a daze of partying and with friends. It was only up until this week that it was ok that we just laid around and watched a movie on a friday night, or went shopping or went to his grandmothers birthday party. And this is exactly what he doesn't want. He doesn't want a real relationship, and I do not want a real relationship with him. He is not the person I am going to marry so why do I waste energy and time trying to scratch through the surface to try and find that good guy deep down inside of him. I might be trying to justify and cover my heartache because I am going to miss him being around, but I know that I made the right choice in the long run for my life. In ten years, I will hopefully be married to a wonderful husband who will love me like a real man should love a woman. I will have a house, children, a career. In ten years, he will still be living at home, not paying his child support to the three kids he'll probably have with three different women and still trying to pay off his unpaid parking tickets. I think it is time to chalk this one up to a good loss and realize sometimes losing something can lead to the biggest gain of your life! So let's start a Tool Box free countdown. Detox for 30 days. This means no contact, no texts, no answering, no seeing him, not anything. He has left his shoes here and if he wants them, he can find another helpless girl to come and pick them up on my doorstep.