Monday was a good day. I did not tell Ryan what I had previously posted, simply because I sleep on everything and something in my heart would not let my head irrationally say the things that half a bottle of wine and the feminist Sex and the City movie would have me say. Instead I held out and it seemed Monday that I had made the right decision. Come Monday when he called, whether in the right state of mind or not, he said the thing I suppose that I have been waiting seven months to hear. "I'm going to get my shit together. My goal is to be driving by the end of the month. I want to take YOU out on a date. A real date. I pick you up, pay for dinner, kind of date because I am really starting to like you a lot and I want to do this right." All I could do is smile, because even though I have been wanting to hear that for so long, actions always speak louder than words. I cannot explain to myself sometimes what it is that I am feeling. It is something in my heart that believe that deep down he is a good person who has just had some rough breaks. Everyone deserves a little help, I have had to have help. We have all been in dark places in our lives and my only hope is that he learns from his experience and it is as life changing for him as it was for me. But life changing for whom? I cannot help but think. When he does get his life together, am I the one who is going to suffer? Is he going to want to find someone or something else? Because it has been in my experience that this is what happens. You forget those that help you, because you cannot be in love with this people. You feel forever debted to them and for some reason, those are the people you feel sorry for, not the people you want to love and spend time with. Take for example Scott. The only reason I stayed with him for so long and tried to make it work a second time around is simply because I felt obligated. He was there for the good times and the hard times, and I felt as if I at least owed it to him to try and make it work because I knew he loved me. It didn't work. Plain and simply because I wanted to meet someone when the chips were up, not down. Will this be the case with him? He needs me now. I know if I wasn't in his life he would find a way to get by, as he always does and this is how I go back and forth in my head. He needs you, no he doesn't, he WANTS you. Someone else could help him, he would find a way, but he wants YOU because he wants to be with you. If this is the case then why, on days like today, do I have this anxious feeling in my stomach that makes me think otherwise. I mean in reality, we still do not know what it is that we are doing. Are we dating? Should I keep my options open? Do you keep your options open?
This was prompted by thoughts of a few things this morning. I read this article the other day about wife fluffers (No not what you are thinking). These are the girls men date right before they settle down. This, in my experience, fits my description to a tee. There was Jake, got married right after we broke up. Scott, found and amazing girlfriend right after we broke up. Ronnie, again, serious relationship right after we broke up. Justin (both of them) serious relationships upon the ending of ours. I am a wife fluffer. Or at the very least, a girlfriend fluffer. Everything in the relationship that I wanted them to do for me, that they didn't, that caused our break up, they ended up doing for someone else directly after me. Am I just a girlfriend fluffer for this one? He will keep me around until his shit is together and then leave me for the girl of his dreams. Am I taking him to work so he can make money to spend on the potential love of his life. What is so wrong with me that I cannot meet a guy who wants to do these things for me? Is it because I have about given up? I do not give ultimatums, I do not nag, I do not ask? I feel like someone should want to do these things for someone they like, love, whatever word fits the situation at the time.
My situation is also touchy because of the dreaded BBM. No, not black berry messager, the Bad Baby Mamma. Yes, he has a daughter. You would think the the BBM situation would be easy because luckily for me she lives in New Mexico. However, we ended our relationship the first time because the BBM came home and stayed with him. My early morning indescretion proved that it was not a friendly platonic visit, but one filled of sexual experiences and potential makeups. They tried to make it work again, it didn't, and now they "moved on." Or have they? He loves her. How do you replace that kind of love? I don't think that I can and I don't know if I have the energy to try.
I need to go study for my exam. I just had to get this off my chest before I did or it would be all I could focus on. Columbus all weekend for the Arnold Classic, where ironically enough the love of my life will be, along with the random from the summer. Oh how destiny loves to laugh in my face. First we find ourselves missing each other in every location, then I move across the street and now we will be at the same location all weekend long, hours away from home. I think I will leave this one up to fate and if I run into him, I run into him. Bye for now blogger!
No comments:
Post a Comment