Yay for Saki!

It might have only been five days...and I was out of town for three of those five days, but I have not seen or heard from the tool bag since Thursday, which is close enough to a week for me, which is easy enough to say that he is no longer in my life. And since I am now angered by the fact that I haven't heard from him, it will be a lot easier to ignore him when I do hear from him. Which I will. Hear from him and ignore him (I hope). I mean I didn't even hear from him on Valentines Day. Not that he is my Valentine by any means, but I mean how hard is it to shoot someone a text message?

On a fantastic note...I get the keys to my OWN apartment on Wednesday! I am of course not even close to being packed! I tried to finagle my way off work on Saturday but of course I cannot take off. So I am going to do a little bit each day and try and move the heavy stuff during the remainder of the weekend!

More later...I am exhausted. I have been working and traveling like crazy! I spent Valentines Day at a packed Sushi Rock downtown in Columbus with my bosses and a married man. How exciting! It was actually a great time.

One Wrench Short of a Tool Box

Sometimes I need to realize that not doing anything has the most profound impact on your decisions. So I did not see the tool bag today. He wanted a ride and then said to go ahead and he'd get a ride out there lady. This indicated to me at first that he really just wanted a ride because if it was about seeing me too, he would have jumped at the opportunity since they are few and far between.

Then I text him and told him that he could stay in town and spend time with me tomorrow, since I have the day off, another occurrence that is few and far between. When I checked facebook, he did not stay in town and I had never heard back from him. Yet again another clear indication that he does not really want to see me!

You always have to love unsolicited man advice. They always seems to have a way of putting a perspective on the situation that you never had thought of, and probably never would have. My boss said to me; "Michele I would have went off. Here you are letting him drive your car, and he probably used it to go and hook up with blondie and then he had the audacity to drop it off, blow you off, and have her pick him back up, where you work. What could you say to this. I just stared at him in amazement because interestingly enough, he was probably right. I didn't want to think this way, it was just a friend, a blonde attractive, friend right? We all have those.

Ugh no. I think this was what pushed me over the edge. Here I am trying to help this guy because I'm a good person. I believe everyone needs help and he is using me and I am making excuses for him. I'm rationalizing with my heart, saying that it's my fault. I'm the one who doesn't want to date him, or at least that is what I say, so I keep saying, how can I blame him? It's my fault? I'm doing the same thing.

HELLO GIRL! I'm doing the same thing because I don't know if I want to be with him. I'm keeping my options open because I don't see potential with him, and why don't I think that he's not doing the same thing? Because he is. He is keeping his options open because he doesn't want to be with me, because in my experience, if a guy wants to see you, he'll drive to you. If a guy wants to call you, he calls. And if a guy loves you and wants to be with you, he will stop at nothing to have you. So I am going to stay happily single BY CHOICE until I find the guy who will do this for me. Rejoice girl...no more tool bags

Oh Woes Me!

Blogger...wtf am I doing? So I took a couple days to contemplate my mixed up love situation and I haven't come to any conclusions. I keep going back and forth in my mind with how I am feeling and still cannot seem to figure it out. I keep soliciting the opinion of friends, co-workers, strangers, anyone who will listen. I keep getting mixed advice and everyone seems to be able to pinpoint my twisted emotions except for me. He's bad news, just get out now, I think he's really into you but you're the one whose hesitant, you need to talk to him, you need to be honest, you need to just tell him how you feel. This I am starting to agree with. The one person that I need to be sharing my feelings with is the only person I am not talking to; him. Mainly because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to admit to him that he is my weakness because then I am rendering control into his hands. We are going to be stuck in a car together for an hour today and I need to talk to him about this before I go crazy and I don't know why I can't. Why can't I just say everything that is on my mind? Because honesty hurts? Because I still can't decipher between true feelings and lust? Because I am selfish and am only feeling this way because I don't want him to want anyone else? I want to look for love and keep him on the side to help pass the lonely nights? Perhaps I am in love with the drama? All I know is that I better decided what to do before I see him in two hours because I am going crazy with all of these thoughts running through my head.

Free Falling

So here is where I am at right now. I thought that I would be able to dissociate my feelings. I thought I could be concrete and have realized that I was only being so in my words not in my heart. I have told him repeatedly for the past four months now that I do not want to date him, or pursue any kind of a relationship with him that would take us to a higher level than where we are at now. I love being with him, and we give each other a sense of comfort in our friendship that I thought would be enough. We have been honest about our open options, though I have been the only one pursuing other options, as he had made it clear that I was the one he truly wanted to be with and not anyone else.

So there we are on Friday night. He went to go and look at an apartment with me, we go to dinner and we go back to his house to watch a movie. Snow storm 2010 hits and I am now snowed in and I now am staying the night at his house. We have not shared a night together since we actually dated.

There he is, looking into my eyes with that sparkle that I wish I could see every morning when I look into the mirror. He is staring at me, running his hands down my face, just looking at me as if I was the only thing he wants to see before he falls asleep and the first thing he wants to see in the morning. Then he kisses me and then it happened. That heart stopping, pulse racing, feeling from the top of your head extending through your toes. I was lost in his grasp and when I realized the feeling running through my body I opened my eyes in astonishment. Oh my gosh, I am falling for him. This was when I said I would run. I would get out the minute I felt this feeling, when I was beginning to lose control over the situation.

He is dating somebody. He was being honest and told me that he is seeing someone but how he wishes it were me. He wishes I would allow him to date me. I felt a twinge of jealously pulse through my veins. Why? Why would I feel this way over someone I keep telling I do not want to date. How can I be angry? Or upset?

So I text him yesterday and told him that I need to take some time and figure out what I want and figure out what we are doing. I simply said I am having conflicted and confusing feelings and I do not know why. He of course was understanding and said that his feelings have not changed for me since the moment he met me and that I know what he want, but it is apparent that I need to figure out what it is that I want.

The chemistry between us is undeniable. It is something that I am sure I have never felt before. There is no way to describe it because it is not love. It is not just lust. It is a passion that is unknown. A desire. Wanting something that I know I do not want at the same time. He is not the type of person I should be with, this I know. He has a lot of baggage and needs to get his shit together and I do not find that in anyway attractive. Perhaps I am attracted to this feature in the same sense that we want someone like this to change. To give us their full attention, to fall in love with us because when they do it is so dramatic you cannot deny the phenomenom.

I think I am struggling because over the past few months, I have grown into the person that I am and I love who I have become as a women and as an adult. I am confident, beautiful, and I have a lot going for me and now that I am aware of what I want, I want to find it. I am finally ready to begin the process of finding the one. It is truly that, a process. I am ready to date someone who has long term potential because I know who I am as a person.

I want to yet again thank God for his sense of humor. The gorgeous ex whom of which I have never truly gotten over, I have come to find is my neighbor! He literally lives across the street from my new apartment. I can walk out the front door and be at his in seconds. I'm going to pretend to be oblivious to this fact and see how long it takes for us to run into each other. I need to leave this one to fate and to the Gods of love. Yes, I am moving out if I hadn't blogged about that previously! Two weeks! I am so excited!

Once Upon A Time...

You win evolution! I have given in to your mercy. I am rendering the fairytale that is instilled into my brain. I am no longer a believer in the miracle of love, soul mates, undying devotion, yada yada yada. You have officially transformed me into a cynical non-believer. Your cold hard evidence towards it being "unhuman" to be monogamous, and the fact that evolutionary speaking we mate to spread the seed, has finally sunk it to this biologists brain. We are not destined for true love, it is inhuman. I have learned that prince charming on his white horse is riding off with little red riding hood and I am left alone in the castle, making wishes on stars in the sky.

Isn't it so ironic...boy meets girl...girl falls for boy...boy falls for someone else...girls leave boy...boy comes back begging for girl...girl thinks she can have her cake and eat it too...boy falls for girl...girl falls for another boy...originally boy begins dating other girl...now girl falls for boy again! Ugh the timing that is my love life. But what can I do but throw myself out there...admit that I have lied this entire time when I continuously told him I did not want to date him. My honestly has bad timing, that is it. Now all that is left is to see what happens. In the meantime, I have a lot to occupy my time...work work work...school school school and oh yea! MOVING! I found an apartment. It is small and perfect...has character...and IT'S ALL MINE...ALL ALONE...NO ONE ELSE BUT ME! I'm soooooo excited to be alone!

Gotta go to Lakewood now. I will blog tomorrow...important updates. I won't be metaphorical I will simply explain what happenned and why I am so woefully bitter.

Ramblings

So I have an exam so I cannot ramble too long, but I wanted to ramble a little. For one thing, I absolutely hate how they never give you enough ranch dressing to dip your raw veggies in. I suppose it makes sense. Veggies are healthy, you having purchased them are admitting your semi aware of your veggie intake for the day and thus should not pair them with unhealthy ranch. However, I end up wasting food because I refuse to eat a single veggie without it!

I learned for the second time in a week that a library card is proven valuable and that my second library card of the week had expired and I again needed to use it. So after four years I finally renewed my second library card for the week! Odd how series of events are homology related. Alright I need to go take this test...I have way to much evolutionary thinking floating around in my head.

For the essence of time!

I have given up on my irrational Monday love interest. I did not hear from him much this weekend, and by much, I mean not at all. I found myself wondering what happened to my non-existent lover and that was when I realized that perhaps he had gotten to my heart a little and not just my nether regions. So I decided to pull the plug, forget, and move on with my life and search for a meaningful relationship and not just one that seemed to be convenient more me but was more of a convenience for him. Giving up on this has allowed me to go to bed early and begin to appreciate my love for Tuesdays even more so. I woke up early. I was able to enjoy my morning coffee and good conversation with my mother (who is finally speaking to me again!) I made it to class on time and now I have a two hour break! I came to the library to print off all of my notes and slides for class because it's free! I regret to inform everyone that I am participating equally in the demise of the rainforest's but if I do not print my notes and scientific papers, I will not read them. My focus turns to interesting blogs, my obsession with craigslist and facebook whenever I am on my computer and I drift away from what I am supposed to be doing ever so easily. So now, I have a little under two hours before my next class and I plan to read a little, blog a little, fill out some paperwork and answer any emails I may have.

I have turned off my phone. I do not want anyone to call. I found myself fantasizing about this thought the other day. I was trying to take a nap. All I wanted on Saturday was a twenty minute nap before I had to anxiously get ready for my date. In an hours time, my phone rang over five times. Why I did not have the will power to simply turn it off, I do not know. My obsession with my cellular phone and communication baffles even myself. I found myself fantasizing about an island. Where I would lay in the sand an leave my phone a drift on a boat in the middle of the Indian Ocean where nobody could reach me. I want to lose contact with the world some days. I have decided to put that on my list of 100 things to do: Disregard Cell phone for 24 hours! Do you think I can do it blogger?

Speaking of my list of things to do, I need to start completing some more things on my list. I know I keep saying I am going to post it, in which I will...when I have both time and my list in hand. I am going snowboarding at the end of February, so one thing will be checked off there. I am actively working on living on my own but finding decent places in even more decent neighborhoods is not a decently easy thing to do. I found a beautiful vase for the beautiful place that I have yet to find and when I find it I will buy beautiful flowers to go in and that will complete another item on my list. I am almost finished with my dear Jose book, in fact I could be finished now, I am just a perfectionist and want it to be perfect if I am going to spend money in publishing it. In fact I think I will work on it today and just send it out to be published and then wallah another item checked off my list.

At least the sun is shining in dreary Ohio this morning. It is groundhogs day and therefore we obviously have 6 more weeks of winter. What I am inclined to ask is what it matters anyway? Even if his shadow is not seen, we have 6 more weeks of winter. Silly American traditions!

Well blogger, I am going to continue to do nothing as I sit here in the library. I will update you tediously at a later date!