Free Falling

So here is where I am at right now. I thought that I would be able to dissociate my feelings. I thought I could be concrete and have realized that I was only being so in my words not in my heart. I have told him repeatedly for the past four months now that I do not want to date him, or pursue any kind of a relationship with him that would take us to a higher level than where we are at now. I love being with him, and we give each other a sense of comfort in our friendship that I thought would be enough. We have been honest about our open options, though I have been the only one pursuing other options, as he had made it clear that I was the one he truly wanted to be with and not anyone else.

So there we are on Friday night. He went to go and look at an apartment with me, we go to dinner and we go back to his house to watch a movie. Snow storm 2010 hits and I am now snowed in and I now am staying the night at his house. We have not shared a night together since we actually dated.

There he is, looking into my eyes with that sparkle that I wish I could see every morning when I look into the mirror. He is staring at me, running his hands down my face, just looking at me as if I was the only thing he wants to see before he falls asleep and the first thing he wants to see in the morning. Then he kisses me and then it happened. That heart stopping, pulse racing, feeling from the top of your head extending through your toes. I was lost in his grasp and when I realized the feeling running through my body I opened my eyes in astonishment. Oh my gosh, I am falling for him. This was when I said I would run. I would get out the minute I felt this feeling, when I was beginning to lose control over the situation.

He is dating somebody. He was being honest and told me that he is seeing someone but how he wishes it were me. He wishes I would allow him to date me. I felt a twinge of jealously pulse through my veins. Why? Why would I feel this way over someone I keep telling I do not want to date. How can I be angry? Or upset?

So I text him yesterday and told him that I need to take some time and figure out what I want and figure out what we are doing. I simply said I am having conflicted and confusing feelings and I do not know why. He of course was understanding and said that his feelings have not changed for me since the moment he met me and that I know what he want, but it is apparent that I need to figure out what it is that I want.

The chemistry between us is undeniable. It is something that I am sure I have never felt before. There is no way to describe it because it is not love. It is not just lust. It is a passion that is unknown. A desire. Wanting something that I know I do not want at the same time. He is not the type of person I should be with, this I know. He has a lot of baggage and needs to get his shit together and I do not find that in anyway attractive. Perhaps I am attracted to this feature in the same sense that we want someone like this to change. To give us their full attention, to fall in love with us because when they do it is so dramatic you cannot deny the phenomenom.

I think I am struggling because over the past few months, I have grown into the person that I am and I love who I have become as a women and as an adult. I am confident, beautiful, and I have a lot going for me and now that I am aware of what I want, I want to find it. I am finally ready to begin the process of finding the one. It is truly that, a process. I am ready to date someone who has long term potential because I know who I am as a person.

I want to yet again thank God for his sense of humor. The gorgeous ex whom of which I have never truly gotten over, I have come to find is my neighbor! He literally lives across the street from my new apartment. I can walk out the front door and be at his in seconds. I'm going to pretend to be oblivious to this fact and see how long it takes for us to run into each other. I need to leave this one to fate and to the Gods of love. Yes, I am moving out if I hadn't blogged about that previously! Two weeks! I am so excited!