Soul Ride...Take it easy!

Wow! I took a spinning class for the first time this morning. A.) I was very proud of myself for waking up at 6:30 to drag myself to this class and B.) Hardest workout of all time! It was a combination of 45 minutes of spinning and then 30 minutes of TRX training. TRX is a suspension training system that works basically every muscle in your entire body. Not only was cycling low impact (my knees are killing me from running), but the combination of that and the TRX has my body feeling like complete jello, which is EXACTLY the kind of workout that I am looking for. Not only did the instructor play an amazing IPOD mix to get your heart pumping, and soul searching, but she was so fit, you were inspired to come back for more classes. I loved it and highly recommend it to anyone looking to up the intensity of their workouts. This studio just opened in downtown Lakewood, but is similar to Soul Rides found in L.A and New York!

Detox

I had Sonic for the first time yesterday. Sonic is a fast food chain, big in Southern Ohio and other southern states, where you pull up, order and they bring out your food on roller skates. (I'm sure everyone has heard of Sonic, but just incase, there is your intro). Despite the fact that I thought the burger was pretty delicious, I was not impressed. I did not like the decadent chili cheese tots, nor did I care for the limeaide (personally I don't like anything lime unless it's in my beer or has tequila in it.) I gorged out though this weekend in preparation for my detox these next two weeks (Yes I am doing a cleanse!) I figured everyone needs a little help and with my dedicated workouts lately (I've actually been making it to the gym instead of just donating too it!) I thought I would try it. I'll let you know in 14 days how I feel because it is supposed to help me drop a dress size in 14 days!

Tiger Tiger Woods ya'll

I can literally spend hours in a bookstore. Luckily for my brother, who went shopping with me yesterday, I knew exactly what I was looking for so he wouldn't have to wait hours for me. Still, I always browse the self help relationship sections, because I like to think of my life as a constant work in progress; at least my relationship life. I came across this book and I thought it was hilarious. I mean since when is cheating called Tiger Woods Syndrome? Last time I checked, men throughout history have been cheating, women cheat. Tiger Woods, whom of which I personally am not impressed with, did not coin this phenom and I don't like that he is getting this kind of street cred!

Tilapia and Oils

So I learned a very important lesson tonight. Just because you are single, does not mean that you can pan sear everything, nor does it imply that just about anything can be cooked in Italian dressing, olive oil or soy sauce! I assure you...it cannot! Time to get some cookbooks!

Skinny Jeans

We all have skinny jeans. I'm not talking about the new fashion statement jeans where you literally have to use a set of pliers to get your ankles into them, I'm talking the pair of jeans that we wear when we are at our goal weight and feeling fabulous. A girl does not need a scale in her household if she has a pair of these jeans. She simply puts them on, on a daily basis (you mean I'm the only one that obsessively does this as of late)? If you are retaining water, they may just be hard to button. About to start your period, can't bend your knees as you walk or sit down because that said button will pop and you simply cannot be responsible for where it would end up. If you've gained five pounds, can't button them. Ten pounds? Well forget it, they are not getting passed your knee caps. Yes, apparently when you're teetering on 25 even your knees can gain weight.

My question to myself is this. Why do my skinny jeans have to be a pair of Rock n' Republics? I realize that the brand has slowly faded, and Seven would be a better pair of jeans to own, as Seven's simply never go out of style. But I love Victoria Beckham and these are the design of posh herself, with crowns on the buttocks that are stitched ever so perfectly your but actually sits a little higher. The dark denim slims the thigh and the large flair fits over a pair of Alice and Olivia's so perfectly making anyone who puts these jeans on appear to be a supermodel with Heidi Klum legs! This is double torture. Not only can I not fit into these jeans at the moment, but they are my favorite pair! They sit there and taunt me on a daily basis. Not so much during the summer months as they do the winter. That is when their childish rants cannot be drowned out by any number of slim fast bars and popsicles.

Mind you I can get them past my knees. In fact I can get them on. I can even button them, if I want to appear to have 12 inches of love handles spilling over the sides of the waistband and not be able to breathe, but how is that attractive? So because I do not own a scale, I will keep pulling out my skinny jeans to track the progress of my hard work and hopefully by October, if it is not too hot, I will wear my skinny jeans on my 25th birthday!

Beating em' off with sticks!

So match.com is proving to be a mix of emotions for me. It is interesting, exciting, nerving. I have decided that it should come with a warning: may cause anxiousness, obsessive compulsive disorder, rejection, confusion, excitement and will do wonders for your self esteem and may deprive you of sleep.

I find myself coming home each night anxiously checking my email and scanning my profile views and winks. I wonder if he is out there, the man of my dreams. I love the fact that when I read a profile, under their screenname where it reveals their age, it states "man." He is a 27 year old MAN, not a boy, a MAN.

I anxiously await emails from the cute doctor, or dream of corresponding with the lawyer/real estate developer. I mean c'mon, he's a lawyer, he doesn't need to be a slash anything, especially when he is already tall/handsome/motorcyclist!

I am getting a lot of emails from a lot of really great men, or paper gangsta's as I like to call them. They look great on paper but I suppose interaction is really the only way to determine if they are a good person or if there is a connection or not. I have narrowed my search down to two prospects; a med student doing his residency at the Akron Hospital and then an Interventionalist, also living in Akron (I'm starting to feel as if I chose the wrong city to live and mingle in here). Despite their obviously successful professions, they are attractive and I am attracted to them which I believe is the first step in a love connection. First impressions are everything. Both want to meet up next week, so I suppose time will tell. Unfortunately we are having a big family camping trip coming up next weekend for the fourth of July holiday and I am going to be gone Friday through Sunday. I suppose however, that if it's meant to be it will be.

I went to a hot yoga class again today. I tried to make it to the 6am class, but who am I kidding, I cannot wake up that early! So I went to the nine o'clock class instead and I didn't realize how many pores cover one's body that can excrete sweat. It was 100 degrees in the room, coupled with the 90 degree air outside and it was one of the hardest yoga classes I have ever experienced! I'm trying to workout everyday until next weekend so that I can feel comfortable in a bathing suit! I have been eating unbelievably healthy, I work on my feet for at least six hours a day and still it is proving to not help change my body at all. The only thing I do not do consistently is work out. So I am going to work out everyday, given one day off I suppose, and I am going to switch my typical beer drinking over to vodka and sugar free red bull and limit my intake on the weekends.

So a little bit of an update here. [Fighter] came over on Sunday and we went and had some amazing sushi at this restaurant called Shinto. Sushi rock has nothing on Shinto in my opinion! So we had a little bit of a discussion about where we are. Consensus shows that we are in that awkward dating stage where it is time to either get real or get lost. Apparently he wants me to come out to his hometown, meet his mom, and attend a couple's game night (pretty big scary step for me!) Nonetheless I'm not holding my breath until it actually happens. He said he is going to try and up his efforts a little bit (but I have heard this now twice before), and if I still realize that this isn't the right relationship for me than it would definitely be his loss (well I'm not sure about that one at this point). So I guess we'll just see where it goes from here.

Well I need to call me new agent about my book and then deal with a bunch of insurance issues and then take a cold cold cold shower!

Prayer

God (or whoever is listening up above),

I know that I often times take the road less traveled, the beaten path, the hard way. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life that you have gracefully accepted and forgiven me for. I know that you have given me second chances (often times thirds). I know that I am not as devout as I should be. I know I often times only turn to you in times of need. I am hoping that you can overlook these flaws and allow me this mistake to be forgiven and allow it to turn out okay. I know that you may have a bigger plan for my life and I know that lessons are to be taught for a particular reason, people and love is to be lost and regrets are to help us steer our lives back onto the right path. I am aware that I acted irresponsibly and I know that irresponsibility often times has a price to pay, but this? Isn't there a better way? Isn't this enough to scare me? I assure you that it is. If you allow things to turn out alright, and not allow this mistake to ruin a future that I can potentially see for myself, I will be forever indebted. I will be forever grateful. I will be an advocate of responsibility. I will no longer make foolish choices or act out of passion or lust. I will no longer envision my life only in the moment, but will relish in the fact that there is something more, that I deserve more, that I can have more. You have helped me in so many ways. You have allowed devastating events turn into learning experiences and you have always done great things for my life. Is it selfish of me to ask for one more favor? I am going to ask for it either way. Please?

Self Checkout for One please

I loathe grocery shopping. I was never one of those children that loved going to the store with their mothers. Not because I didn't get along with her, but because I did not want to stand around in a isle with 100 different varieties of cereal trying to choose between which one was healthy and which was on sale. Feeding a family of five, and a dog, I give my mother credit because I know that my grocery experiences cause a dent in my own bank account and I am single. I am also a vegetarian, which makes everything a little more expensive. Still, with a $200 a month grocery bill, I could be driving a really nice car right now AND be skinny. Perhaps I should just stop eating.

I remember the first time I went grocery shopping WITH a boyfriend and not FOR a boyfriend. It was such an exciting experience. Picking out what he and I both like and choosing between those items that one or the other didn't like. It was a bonding experience. It made me feel closer to him. I felt as if everyone would stare at us as we walked down those isles, him pushing the cart, thinking to themselves how lucky we are to be in love and so happy.

Even when I would grocery shop alone, I was still shopping FOR someone. People could look inside of my cart and see the Bud light case and hungry man dinners and know that I was not single. Now my cart is filled with single lean cuisine dinners and grocery shopping has become an experience I still remain indifferent too.

On one end, I get to be selfish which I am great at doing. I get to buy what I want. I don't have to worry about what someone else doesn't like to eat. If I want to buy ten frozen dinners because I loathe cooking I can do so. On the other end, grocery shopping is a reminder that I am alone. It is no longer a fun experience to share with someone as a stepping stone in a relationship, it is now a chore. Something that I have to do and I am reminded that I have to do it ALONE. I have to load the groceries into my car and come home and try and carry eight bags in one trip up three flights of stairs because I am too lazy to make more than one trip.

Perhaps I should be happy I only have to pay for one to eat around here. One day that bill will double and even though I will get to experience it with someone, I will still complain about it.

Forced Kisses and Headlines

I remember the day that I fell out of love with him as if it were a re-occurring dream. We decided to go to breakfast on a Sunday morning. We had been together for nearly three and a half years and he could sense my hostility and unenthusiasm for the relationship. We sit down at the breakfast table and as our first morning cups of coffee are poured, he picks up the daily newspaper. "Put that down." I said to him in a shocking tone, as if reading the newspaper were an uncommon thing to do at breakfast. "Michele, it's the paper. Why can't I read the paper?" He looked at me with this look of confusion and disbelief, like why I was even questioning his motives. "It's breakfast. We've been busy all week and have hardly seen each other. Don't you want to talk to me?" "Talk about what?"

Suddenly my life from twenty to sixty flashed before me in my dark roast coffee. I could see us now. At breakfast in ten years. Me, trying to keep one child quiet and one from opening and pouring out every single last sugar packet as he sat there smirking reading his morning paper from the top of his spectacles. Fast forward thirty more years. Kids grown. Just us two again in the household, out to morning breakfast with absolutely nothing to say to each other. I wondered if I would even remember the sound of my own voice by this point.

It was in this moment that I fell out of love for him. It was the moment that I realized I could not see myself spending the rest of my life with him. As he looked at me, cowering over my coffee, slowly stirring in my two packets of equal, he knew it too. Within a week we were over.

I can only remember seeing my parents affectionate with each other one time. If you could call it affection. My father walked in from the back deck and pursed his lips over my mothers small head and she just stared at him as if he were a young boy on a playground taunting her with his desire to be close with her. He pulled her into him and gave her a small kiss. Lasting merely a second. That was the only time I had even seen my parents embrace and now, over ten years later, it remains to be the last. I remember thinking that my father tried so hard to win her over everyday of their marriage and you could see in the disgust of glances that she was not having any part of it.

I knew at that moment that I never wanted to have a marriage like that. I wanted to continue to be affectionate with my husband throughout the years of our lives together. I wanted to be prepared to live with someone and not for someone and to love unconditionally either way. I wanted my children to grow up in a loving household where they would be reminded everyday that out of all the men in the world mommy chose daddy and would do it a hundred time more if given the opportunity.

I could tell that my mother was not happy with me the other day that I was over visiting and I found myself with that nervous sweat and repeating the phrase "what did I do THIS time to disappoint her?" over and over in my head as I tip toed on egg shells around the house. I was always disappointed her. Even now that I live on my own and do not speak with her often I STILL seem to disappoint her in someway. I asked her why she was mad at me. Her response was that it was because I am never happy. Never happy? With what? Is that even a reason to be angry with someone? I seemed very happy. I personally love my life. I have amazing friends, I love my job and I come home alone and do as I please, typically write and facebook, but nonetheless I am happy.

Perhaps my parents loveless marriage is why I always seem to be going through men like men go through tube socks. I never want to be stuck in their relationship, or their type of relationship I should say. The minute I see signs of something that even closely resembles it, I break down and I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. I have had three marriage proposals, or promises I shall say. All of which I obviously never followed through with. I could easily be married with 2.5 children and the white picket fence at this point in my life had a gone down a number of different paths, but that wasn't what I wanted. I am HAPPY here, alone, at this moment. She looks at my life as if I've wasted years of it. What is more of a waste? Waiting until I am older, til I have found myself, before I find the love of my life? Or spend the next fifty years in a loveless, affectionateless, kissless marriage?

The break up diet

Ah as bad for you as I know this is, I absolutely love the break up diet. Black coffee, red wine, cigarettes and yet the ability to jump on a treadmill and run miles upon miles. You're feet being driven by the urge to look sensational because that is how we get back at the men who slight us. We look amazing! Truthfully though I did drink that entire bottle of wine, while on the phone with one of my best friends, Animal. She is in Toledo, so over the telephone we shared great conversation and some white Zin. Thinking I'd be hungover this morning I didn't hold out my hope for my morning workout, but I woke up feeling refreshed. I went to the gym and just ran. I could have kept running. All of the lies, his words, the empty promises flew out of my body through the soles of my shoes as I just kept running knowing it would make me feel better and it did!

So I am going to finish my arm workout, watch Wendy Williams while I do it and go into work. WORK, another four letter word I wish was eliminated from my vocabulary!

The truth will set you free

So here are two other four letter words that I absolutely hate...baby...mama! Yes I should have seen this one coming. In fact I did see it coming, I just didn't think it would quite be in this way. I just knew it this morning. Everything was moving in slow motion. He was moving in slow motion. The way he woke up, the way he moved slowly from my bed to the kitchen, to the bathroom and then back to bed. I kept waking up looking at the clock, anticipating it to be later than it was, as if my body was already anticipating his departure. I was going to tell him that this day needed to be goodbye, but I couldn't find the words to do it. Instead I was quiet. He knew what my silence meant because he knew me on a level that I didn't even understand. I kissed him goodbye and he left and in my heart I knew it was the last time I would see him.

I told him I hated him. Because I of course did not hate him at all. This prompted a phone call and a confession. SHE is moving to Ohio next week to work things out with him. SHE wants him to be close to his daughter and SHE is making the ultimate sacrifice by leaving her life to come here to be with him. HE has known for three weeks and has lied by with holding the truth from me, afraid of my reaction, which was of course GOODBYE! I should of known, in fact I did but I held on to this idiotic romantic ideal that I would be enough. That if he just fell in love, I would be enough. I'm not enough. I will never be her. I will never have a DNA connection to him, and the only DNA connection I have to him at the moment can be washed away with a bottle of Tide and a warm shower.

I am not as saddened by this as I am disappointed. I suppose you truly cannot have your cake and eat it too. I have cake, but him I devoured. And now that it is gone I am going to crave it because I know that emotionally I cannot have it because I cannot do that to myself. I knew nothing was going to come of our "open" relationship. In the long run I know that I will come out on top. They will try and work it out, and it won't work because it never does. He will call, beg, plead. I will have moved on and be happy and easily forget him and have the last laugh as I always do. Nonetheless, rejection at the end of the day is still rejection. Nobody wants to believe that they are second in anyone's life and nobody likes the feeling of rejection.

So I have decided to have a bottle of wine for dinner. No not a glass. You heard me correctly, a bottle and I am already feeling a lot better about my decision to say goodbye to Ryan, tool, whatever other four letter word I will come up with for him...FUCK...FACE...RUDE...DICK...SOUL...MATE...(jk!) So I am going to continue on my path of self destructive dating habits and hopefully I will meet a good man along the day!

Karaoke

I did it, because he made me. I hate anything karaoke. I will sing in the car, in the shower, anywhere ALONE. He knew that it was on my singles list. He was in town and has the voice of an angel if that angel was a mixture of sweet country lullabies and bitter rock about love lost. I love hearing him sing. He made me sing with him. My first karaoke experience and I am so happy it was with him! I successfully complete three things off my singles list this week that I was off work! I will post it later. I began writing it out in my insomnia the other night and I'm sure I will have the same insomnia tonight.

Sitting in Silence

I have realized today that I am not a fan a four letter words. Ryan, lust, fate, love, hate, hope, work...the list could go on and on. In fact it seems that everything that I long for an am fearful of at the same time, all have the same link to each other as tire chains, yes chains! Four letter words; love; I associate all of them with chains! The symbolism of life I tell you!

[Fighter] texts me last night the minute I had said aloud that I was going to LETITGO! Because that's what guys do. They have a sixth sense about when you are going to let them go, and that is when they finally text you, out of the blue to ask you what you are doing in a flirtatious manner with no intention of actually doing anything with you and then they leave you there stunned and confused and you cannot get them off your mind! Er, their behavior off your mind.

I picked up Ryan last night from Shooters. Why I do not know, probably because it is only five minutes from my house and I do everything he asks me too like a compliant puppy. But we hardly spoke last night, I was silent for a change. I felt overly confused. From going out with a friend of mine the night before, whom of which I had the slightest thought about that evening, not as a friend but as a lover. To a girls night the night before and running into the ex [fiance']'s sister, whom of which did not resist throwing his new perfect relationship into my face as if it were her dirty martini. Then the fighter's confusing text conversation, first asking what I was doing and then not asking me to actually do anything and then having an hour text conversation with me about relationships WTF! Then my "love" for Ryan, cause yes I love him. My new match.com adventure. My ghetto ass neighbors who party until three am and then have their 3 year old screaming fuck that shit at 6 am on the porch. With all of this I have experienced two nights of no sleeping and I am completely confused. So I hardly spoke. There entangled in an embrace, as we slept, as he slept I should say, I was 1000 miles away laying next to him. This morning I said goodbye to him, with full intentions of not seeing him again until I mentally sort this out.

We have been doing this off and on for almost a year. I have destroyed a relationship, found a new one, fallen in love, moved to florida with said relationship and moved home in the same amount of that Ryan and I have been doing this. I'm going to head into work. A lovely twn hour day. Vacation is over. I will write more later to keep my sanity.

I can't believe I did this!

Oh my oh my I can't believe I did it. I am going to say that it is for "research" purposes. I wanted to date a lot of different men and meeting them in a bar is simply not going to suffice. So what did I do today you ask? I signed up for match.com! And I winked at a gorgeous orthodontist. I have throughly enjoyed not working this week and I cold get used to being a desperate housewife with a beautiful smile!

Dancing where the stars go blue

I still smell him everywhere. It is on my clothes, my sheets my pillows, the couch. I can never get that smell from my memory. Not the fighter, the tool box whom of which I had another amazing evening with the other day. I know why I am so addicted to him and why I cannot get him off my mind or out of my life. We went downtown the other night, nights like those that make me feel so free of responsibilities and allow me to just enjoy living in the moment. Sweaty, dancing in a crowded club much like we used to do in high school when we would sneak out of the house and trek downtown in a packed mini van to stay out until 3 am dancing the night away. After the clubs closed we danced in the fountain (cliche' maybe, sexy definitely!). Then off to my place where I sure you can use your imagination as to what proceeded to occur. It was the sensuous evening I longed for. The tenderness of his touch. The longing in his eyes. His desire encapsulated beneath the soft silk sheets draping over our bare skin. Him kissing every curve of my body and knowing how much he appreciates them. He makes me feel so desired, so wanted, so fantastic about myself that he laid any quandaries about my sex appeal to rest. At that moment I was what defined sex appeal. I realized also that I suppose what we have could be defined as an open relationship. Something I never wanted or thought that I would find myself in but I think that what we are doing defines the term. We are engaged in some sort of relationship. Whether I choose to believe it or acknowledge it. I see him, I date him, I "relation" with him and I am very open with him about my pursuit for a more appropriate suitor. Still in some weird way we have a love that some people would be envious of, a love that I am often envious of because I know it leaves as quickly as it comes. It is in those moments where he is staring at me while we are laying there, a stare that I catch him doing more often now, those blue eyes sparkling so bright I can see my reflection in them. It is in that moment that I wish I could be his forever. Shut out the rest of the world, and have it just be us. We have the most amazing connection we just have really bad timing.

Fight me Please!

I would first like to give props to anyone that dates or is married to a professional athlete. Even an amateur athlete. You must have incredible patience (something I am still working on!) I don't know how you do it. You are and forever will be second in the lives of these men and I find myself wondering what I am getting myself into.

[Fighter] came over last night, close to 11:30 and was surprisingly a really good sport about watching Shutter Island with me so late (Great movie by the way!) It was close to 2:30 when the movie was finished and he was of course just going to stay because he had a boxing class this morning downtown. Now I am going to be a little candid here, so forgive me.

There we are, silk Victoria's Secret Sheets, black thong, white tank with no bra. Hello ladies, I could not be throwing myself out there more if I just jumped into bed naked! He probably wouldn't have done anything anyway! No kissing, no cuddling and no sex. I have never questioned my sex appeal more. I like to think that I am an attractive girl. I stay active and fit and I have never had any complaints (well except F&%K face, but I don't ever even want to get into that). I cannot throw myself at this guy every time. I need to be seduced every once and a while. To feel wanted. The guys in the ring with him are seeing more action than I am! Come beat on me for a little bit (at least my nether regions!)

Just Another Day in Love Limbo!

I woke up to it pouring down rain this morning which made it a lot easier to pack everything up and head home. Little did I know that it would soon turn into a beautiful day, 80's and sunshine. Typical Ohio, I should have known. I came home and finally finished the rest of my Eat, Pray, Love, which made me feel accomplished and then I took a nap. I realized that boredom is a lot easier to handle when you are out of town and supposed to be bored. In fact bored wouldn't be the word I would use to describe the peace and solitude I felt the last few days. I was away, I was SUPPOSED to do nothing. But now here I am at home, having so much to do and doing nothing, and now I was bored. So I called my best friend Carrie and decided to go to the gym with her.

So we went to Urban Active and after I listened to the whole spiel about how I should join the gym and all of their incentives that they offer, (by a persistent Cavalier girl may I add.) I mean if you want to get me to join your join, bring over a muscular, tanned handsome gentleman with blue eyes. I'll pretty much say yes to ANYTHING, but anyway we finally got to workout.

It was there on the treadmill, running, facing the windows overlooking the parking lot when really I wanted to be running the opposite direction because the view of the men's weight area was much better, that we decided we wanted a beer.

So off we went to Agave. It is this fantastic Tequila bar and restaurant in Crocker Park. What a way to pack back on those calories that we just worked off. Still, It felt amazing to be out of isolation and also to have a drink with a great friend, who I am now referring to as the Cosmo Radio of my life!

Tool Box was going to come over tonight. He has been asking everyday since Sunday when I was going to be getting back into town. However, fighter was also planning on coming over unbeknownst to me. I was in quite a pickle. I actually told fighter not to worry about it. Here I was going to give up a night of hanging out with the guy I really like to hang out with the Tool Box, for one night of passion just to have him leave me again! Luckily Carrie brought me back down to Earth. I'm pretty sure her exact words were "Michele, he is making an effort and you are turning him down! Get off the phone with me and text him back immediately!" Thank you for that reality Check Care Bear! What was I thinking. Oh perhaps that he isn't even going to get here until 11! I mean 11! I guess beggars can't be choosers! However, I did want to have that awkward talk with him tonight but maybe I'll just have to do it in the morning. Or maybe not! I'll let you know!

I just pissed away the last two days of my life!

It is my last night of solitude. I cannot believe that I made it two nights, completely alone without becoming bored with myself. It is another things crossed off my list of things to do as well, spend a weekend alone. Even though it was not a weekend, it was still the same amount of time. In this time I have learned to actually enjoy spending time with myself doing absolutely nothing.

I spent the day watching the sun travel from one side of the lake to the other as I read Eat, Pray, Love, that I started to read last summer and am just NOW getting around to finishing. In my defense between moving twice and work and school this book was lost in transcendence for a small period of time. Nonetheless I find it ironic to be reading a book about a newly single divorce' trying to find herself in Italy, India and Indonesia. I may be thousands of miles away from all three of those places but it feels like I am thousands of miles from home even though I am not. All in all it was a great experience. I find myself feeling as if I maybe do not need all the answers right now. Why am I always trying to control things that I have no control over? I cannot control how people treat me, react to me or feel about me. Why do I spend so much time focusing on these things? They have nothing to do with me as a person. I should be focusing my time and energy on things that are important to me, things that make me who I am. I have found a new appreciation for myself that I hope to carry back with me in the three bags of luggage that I did not need to bring (a bag for clothes, a bag for beauty products and a handbag). No I am not a light packer.

One cannot see their true reflection in rushing water, but only water that is still. This is how my "weekend" has been. You cannot clear your head and alleviate your frustrations and still try to keep pace with the hustle and bustle of everyday life. This is why we do not have a seven day work week I presume. Everyone needs some time to get away, relax and reflect on their life and experiences. I'm hoping that this summer will prove to allow that since I have given myself weekends off. Still it is unfortunate that I need to go home tomorrow because I cannot avoid something in life such as bills and groceries and laundry. This are things I need to get done while I have some time to do it.

On a related note, for some reason, Toolbox kept texting me last night. His last text was to tell me goodnight and he asked me what time I was planning on coming home. I told him Wednesday and I haven't heard from him today. I wonder why I keep crossing his mind and why now after yet again another two week hiatus he wants to see me. I'm just not going to text him tomorrow, see if he texts me and asks if I'm home. The last time this happened was when he started to get all mushy and googly eyed again and I just can't deal with that right now. In fact I just don't want to deal with any of it! Then again, it's back to reality tomorrow and perhaps that is the reality of the situation!

I bought this song the other day and I find myself listening to it on repeat! Thankfully there is nobody around for miles around here to listen to me belting this out when it comes on my IPOD

Favorite lines are "I go through guys like money flyin out the hands" and of course..."I'm not a chick you play, I'm wired a different way!"

Oh Miley! Hannah Montana is officially gone!

Grow Up Peter Pan!

Ah! Blogger is finally back up and running. I find it so funny how you always want something that you cannot have in any facet of life. I woke up this morning with so many thoughts in my head. They are spewing out like mental vomit. I suppose that was the whole purpose in taking a few days off, alone, and in the middle of nowhere. When I logged on to blog this morning the website was down! OH NO! I have never felt the urge to blog more in my life than at that moment, simply because I couldn't. There are a lot of things I am wanting right now. Like a Giant Eagle so I didn't have to be gouged with ridicules local grocery store prices because they are the only one around in a 20 mile radius! I mean I paid $5.28 for four veggie burger patties! I suppose I should be lucky they even had them. Try being a vegetarian in a place with nothing but farmland around. I'm guessing that vegan is not a traditional diet up here. In total it was a $50 trip and all I'm going to be eating for the next two days is cereal, tuna and veggie patties.

Anyway. It was a little chilly today so I thought it would be a perfect day to head up to grove city and do a little shopping at the outlets. I think I may have a problem. I simply cannot deny myself of a cute pair of wedges (they were white and I needed a new white pair because my dog chewed my old pair!). I cannot ignore the calling of a cute ruffled pink sundress (Hey in my defense it was J.Crew and it was 30% with an additional $10 off tag, I was sold!). Ironically enough my mom called in the midst of my shopping excursion and reminded me to stay out of the Coach store. "Michele, you have bills to pay, be responsible!" I did not stay out of Coach, in fact I ran to it! I found the purse I have wanted for so long. I almost justified it's purchase because of a few reasons. 1. It was pink! I love anything pink! 2. Two I could afford it (well I could if I ate Ramen noodles for the next month and risked the possibility of no cell phone cause it would certainly get disconnected.) 3. It was 50% off, with an additional %20 if I purchased anything in the store that day! So my dream bag that is typically $379 would have cost me approximately $150.00. Oh and PA has no sales tax! I thought about taking everything back that I had purchased that day, a pair of shoes and four dresses, just to have that bag. I probably should have went there first and just bought it and gone back home! But no, I left the store without the bag, saddened by my decision but knowing it was the responsible thing to do if I wanted to avoid eviction next month! Damn you mother for always being right!

While I was shopping my friend Kenny text me. Kenny and I were really close a few months back. He was my best guy friend, my go to man so to speak. I would always run my relationship decisions by him before I did anything. I often would joke with him about how much money he saved me by not have to go to a psychologist or a relationship expert! Who better to know that male mind than well, a male, and I had access to his brain on an honest level 24/7. He would of course use my mind in the same way. We were psychological love tyrants on the people we dated and they mentally didn't stand a chance when the two of us consulted because we knew the ins and outs and ups and downs and twists and turns that anyone in a relationship with us could throw at us and it was pure genius. Until he fell in love. Of course what do you think happened? He left me. Just like that he was gone. I was left floating in the confusion love sea alone without a life vest. Anyway, he text to apologize. I'm hoping that he will call soon so that we can catch up. Perhaps my partner in crime is back!

My very best amazing friend Dana also called me on my journey today and she always gives me great relationship advice. Here is where I think the fighter and I are at right now.

The fighter is going through what I like to call Peter Pan syndrome, well I of course did not coin the term but I remember reading about it in my numerous psycholgy courses. This is the boy who does not want to grow up. The fighter is 26. He is bordering on the part of his life where he still maintains that frat boy mentality while struggling with settling down into a career, falling in love, and eventually getting married and starting a family. He wants to maintain his youth by guzzling beers, MMA fighting, and having nothing [girlfriend] to tie him down. So here I come in. I meet this great guy who I laugh with and can be myself with. I myself am experiencing a bit of Peter Pan syndrome (can we please call it Tinkerbell syndrome?) I recognize that I am not quite mentally prepared for a committed relationship at this exact point in time, but I also am capable of realizing that those things take time to develop and I would like to start finding someone to pass that time with while it develops. This is typically why I have been off and on with the Toolbox for so long. He allows me to be Tinkerbell whenever life as Wendy all grown up gets to be a little to "responsible." Nontheless I don't want to have my time wasted either here. There is no point in trying to develop a relationship if he is simply keeping me around because I haven't said "grow up Peter Pan! This isn't never never land. You can't have it both ways cause my heart doesn't work that way." And he's a guy. Of course he is going to maintain it the way that works for him as long as I comply with it. In all fairness, if I never say it bothers me, then he doesn't even really it does. I told Dana that I wanted to tell him how I am feeling about this. Her response was not to make a mountain out of a mole hill (her favorite by the way). Maybe she is right. Thank God I can at least blog about it!

Well I am going to watch the sunset over the lake and work on my new novel.

Finally some relaxation!

Ah the lake house! Who am I kidding? It is less of a lake house and more like a glorified trailer park but it sure is beautiful on the lake and lake house sounds a lot better than going to the trailer.

I love it up here. I have been coming here since I was a child and it holds so many memories. It is the place that I had my first slow dance. My first "love." My first kiss. My first drink. My first cigarette. This place just allows me to think. Life stops up here. Time stops here.

As I speak, or write shall I say, I am sitting on the new deck out over the serene water watching the sunset as I blog away my life! I never get a break like this and it is amazing!

However life is a little different here in the country than it is in the city that is for sure. You should have seen the glances I got when I walked into Subway in my Coach sunglasses and UGG boots, it was a total, "She ain't from around here," look. I'm done to four cigarettes and I probably should have planned ahead because gas stations do not stay open past ten around here and there isn't even a Walmart. There is however, a wonderful outlet mall in grove city with a coach outlet and I am dying for new summer handbag! If this rain keeps up I just may have to spend my day shopping. I can justify it because 1. It is an outlet so everything is cheaper. 2. When in Rome right! (I've just been dying to say that today since I drove through a little town named Rome on my way here!). I did however set aside money to spend on my week off and even though I am not in Mexico or actually in Rome, I mine as well spend a little bit of that money on a great new purse and some sundresses!

Speaking of small towns that I drove through to get here. Ironically enough I happened to drive through this small little town (name undisclosed for anonymity.) However it is the town that the fighter lives in. Now I understand a little bit better as to why I don't see him very often. We live almost an hour from each other! He literally lives in the middle of nowhere. I saw no gas stations, just a small tavern and a country store. Still he's being a little bit of a douchbag. Called me Wednesday, just to say hey, we should do something soon. Didn't make any plans with me, just wanted to dangle that phrase out there like a carrot trying to move a horse. Then I text him last night to invite him out for drinks, which is didn't drive so he couldn't come out. But I told him I was going to be up here and it's a lot closer to his house than mine and said he should come up. No response. My friend Chris luckily stopped me before I drunkenly was about to very candidly express how his non responsiveness and lack of efforts makes me feel. Not only did I learn that the double text (sending another text message after you sent one when you did not get a reply) is a dating don't, and I probably would have regretted the words that I was going to say to him anyway.

And then again, speaking of texting. Who happens to text me last night telling me that they miss me? Oh I'm sure you guessed it! The toolbox, coffee boy, cake, whatever nickname we are calling him this week! I text him back today and asked why he simply disappeared on me yet again. His response was "You told me too (which I did). You said you liked [fighter] and I didn't want to get in the way and mess things up for you. So I did the hardest thing I've had to do yet, ignore you." Hmmm, I'm smelling a little bit of bullshit here but whatever. And then AGAIN he says it. He knows how much I simply hate that four letter word at this point in my life, I hate it. Besides I think he needs to look up that meaning of that word in the dictionary because his definition and mine are obviously completely different.

Well blogger, you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together these next few days on these lonely nights here in the middle of nowhere all alone. I'll be seeing you soon!

Woes me

So I passed up on a date to work a ten hour day which included three gym shows, a mob of angry parents in a meeting and then when the work day was over ANOTHER meeting. I know I blogged about this last night, but I am still bitter. So because I am bitter and upset and don't feel like going out now that it is almost nine and raining, I have decided to turn my Saturday night in apartment cleaning mania with a bottle of wine.

Contemplating turning my bedroom into a huge walk in closet and creating the loft apartment I always dreamed of. Any thoughts?

Girls Night Out!

Maybe I am not used to this quiet life. To walking into my apartment late at night alone. Crawling in bed alone. Waking up alone. I left in a whirlwind, glitter on the bathroom counter, shoes tossed onto the living room floor, clothes sprawled across the bed (the only thing sprawled across the bed these days).

I had a fabulous night with the girls. Drinks and then Sex and the City 2. Makes me realize how lucky I am to have friendships that they create movies about. Makes me sad that I know our days our numbered. Bree headed home to the kids, Carrie to her boyfriends and Lindsay to home to her husband. Me? Home to my lap top, which ironically seemed like a better option than downtown with a bunch of Gladiator football players in V.I.P at the Barley House. What's wrong with me? That's right, I have to work over eight hours tomorrow, on a Saturday and then have a meeting, a meeting that is making me skip out on a date with the fighter, at a fight, again ironically enough. His life and my life are too busy to allow us to see each other more than once a week and because of that, I am going to give up because I fear that the Universe is telling me I need more pursuit in my life. Maybe some men our like a fantastic pair of Alice and Olivia high heels. They look gorgeous when you first put them on, but you need to walk a few miles in them to see if they are the right fit for you. If after a few miles your feet are swelling and you cannot wait to take them off, it's time for new designer pair of shoes. They simply were not your perfect fit. The fighter is like this pair of shoes. On the rack he looks wonderful, you marvel at his personality at the perfect stylish bow in a delicate pink shade that match the color of your cheeks when he makes you blush. Then you put them on. At first they are an amazing fit. You walk taller. You stand prouder. You cannot wait until you can wear them out for the first time. You are picking out the perfect outfits in your head. You know exactly what you are going to wear with them for their first debut to the world. Then you walk around in them for awhile, at first they feel amazing, you feel amazing. Then you realize that maybe there really isn't a lot of room for your pinky toes in these peep shoes. Then maybe the balls of your feet start to hurt from the sling back being a little loose. Perhaps you should of ordered a size 7 instead of a 7.5. So you go home, slightly disappointed that it was not all you had dreamt it would be, toss them in your closet, but yet you will still wear them again. Beauty is pain after all. Love is pain.

Why? Why do we toss these men in the back of our closets, knowing that we will still pull them out again when they call for us, even though we know the aching that they will cause us when we do? Why is keeping the option of these painful shoes easier than simply going out and purchasing a new pair? Simply. Because an aesthetically pleasing, affordable, no matter how painful, pair of high heels, is hard to find.

I'm taking a few days off work next week. In fact tomorrow is my last day of work for an entire week. I probably shouldn't take off. I know my body and mind need to. I wish that I had someone to enjoy time away with but I don't. So instead I am going to learn to enjoy time away with myself. I am going to go to the lake house. I am going to lay out in the sun. I am going to read the books on my reading list and I am going to relax. Something I am not very good at. As much of a procrastinator as I am, my life is crazy without an agenda to follow, even on my day off. I laugh at the thought of this, because as I mentioned before I am reading the book "Write it down, make it happen." The only thing I write down on a daily basis when I do not blog is To Do lists. I have them completely scattered throughout my life. You can find them in my purse, my wallet, my planner, on my desk, in my computer, in old journals and diaries, posted in my kitchen. They are everywhere. I suppose this is part of my write it down make it happen, because if I don't write it down, it ain't happen n.'

So I am going to leave you with something that is not a written agenda or to do list. I want to become a writer. I want to write about my life in a witty and sarcastic humor that people will find funny and want to read. I want a bestseller. I want to be on Regis and Kelly and have a book tour and a publicist and I want to fall in love again. And I want it before I am 30!

Work on your day off is not a day off at all!

I have to work on my day off :( However, it is going to keep me busy and it is making me budget my time today. I woke up early, went to the gym (which I just cancelled out the effects of with the pizza rolls I just ate for breakfast). Now I am going to give myself an hour to blog, read, watch the Wendy Williams show (I love her!) and give myself a manicure and pedicure. Then I am going to get ready, pack for the day (lunch, heels etc.) Then I am going to go Target and purchase myself some new makeup for the hell of it and because it will make me feel better about myself.

The girls and I are going to go and see Sex and the City 2 tonight and I am very excited. Unfortunately since I have to work I cannot meet for drinks before hand but at least I can dress fabulously and make it to the movie. Yes I am going to wear my new heels to the movie tonight because I can and I feel it is appropriate!

The makeup, yes I am going to get dolled up to feel beautiful. I work in a gym and so I never wear makeup. My hair is always in a ponytail and I wear sweats and t-shirts on a daily basis. Sometimes a girl just needs to feel fabulous and beautiful.

So I am reading this book about how if you write things down that you want in life then you will get them. It includes stories about people who have put this principle into action, people who have gotten what they wanted by first writing down the goal. It's pretty interesting. So to keep with the theme of the book and with the them of my blog it seems, my trials and tribulations of dating, I started to write letters to my soul mate. Maybe it will inspire me to figure out what I really want so that I can find him one day.

Betrayl

So I think tumblr is a little more advanced than I am ready for because I can figure out how to post a blog but to change, add a picture too and view my blog, is still behind my blogging concept. So I guess I solidified why I do not like change and would like to thank you blogger for being there for me and would like to apologize for my lack of loyalty today.

So I have realized that sometimes it is the things we do not do or say that shape our lives. I don't know why I find myself being so regretful lately. I miss parts of my old life, I love parts of my new life and all the while I cannot help but realize that I am missing SOMETHING, even though I really don't know what that something is.

Ok who am I kidding, the think I am missing is a relationship, a companion, a best friend, a soul mate. Normally in life if you are missing something, a great pair of shoes, the perfect outfit, soup, you can just run to the store and pick it up. You cannot simply wake up one day and be like "huh, I think it would be nice to wake up next to my match," and just go and pick it up at the drug store. It is something that people search their entire lives for and sometimes never find it. Isn't it ironic how when I am not ready for it, I have no lack of boyfriends, but now that I am, there are no prospects in sight? I mean don't get me wrong, if I didn't want to be picky there are plenty of prospects. My friends claim that I am too picky, but where is the sacrifice.

C'mon, I am not going to go out with you if you hit on me in front of a guy I am dating, show some respect at the moment. If you're screen name is "Playa," you have a profile picture of you and your recent ex girlfriend or better yet, your child AND the baby mama, probably not gonna happen. And if you have access to my social security number, I may rethink getting involved with you. If you can't text me back in a six hour period...probably not gonna think you have time to build a potential relationship. And let me tell you ladies...this is what I have had to choose from recently. I have said this before and I will continue to say it again...WHERE IS HE? That man who is going to worship me emotionally but at the same time be my equal? Who will love me and want me but at the same time provide me the space that I crave every once and a while? I guess one day I hopefully will find out but until then...I am left here, rearranging my apartment, drinking corona and being responsible learning to love myself.

hello tumblr

So I randomly switched my blog over to tumblr today. I am not quite sure what prompted me today. Perhaps I felt a need for a change or perhaps I am just a follower of millions of people and decided, yep this is the blog spot for me! Either way I am excited to be there!

So I am on day five of my new “lifestyle diet.” I have decided to go back to vegetarianism, or whatever they call it when you still eat seafood because God knows I love me some sushi! So I am trying all of these crazy vegetarian recipes and trying new food and fruits and things like kale and mustard greens and advocado. Which brings me to my question here. Minus quacamole, because we all no advocados role in the delicious fat filled dip, but what else can you honestly do with advocado? I cut into it today, I slowly poked at it, tried to wiggle it, tasted it with the tip of my tongue and then actually bit into it. There wasn’t much taste and I don’t think I will ever find myself saying, “damn, I wish I had an advocado right now!” However, I’m going to look up some things to do with it and perhaps give it a shot.

I find myself being very nostalgic today. I often times do when I decide to close old doors in hopes of opening new ones. Perhaps it is the new Colbie Caliat song I have been listening to on repeat! Either way I need to get out of this Tuesday funk and high tail it into work. More later as I am sure thoughts will keep encircling my head waiting for me to place them onto paper and I of course want to play with my new blog!

Carpe' Diem!

I have decided that I need to take some time to chill out from dating. Since dating is proving to be very unsuccessful in my life. I need to find my own love within myself before I start looking for it outwardly. So on top of my life list, I am going to make another list. Though this one is not quite as fun as the singles' list, this one is unfortunately more like a to-do list, but it will be a more responsible addition to the singles list. And I am going to start concentrating on this singles list. I have all the time in the world right now, but I won't eventually and now is the time to seize the day and just do it! So I'm going to pick something off that list on a daily basis and work on completely it. Time to get right with myself and forget about these stupid boys.