Sitting in Silence

I have realized today that I am not a fan a four letter words. Ryan, lust, fate, love, hate, hope, work...the list could go on and on. In fact it seems that everything that I long for an am fearful of at the same time, all have the same link to each other as tire chains, yes chains! Four letter words; love; I associate all of them with chains! The symbolism of life I tell you!

[Fighter] texts me last night the minute I had said aloud that I was going to LETITGO! Because that's what guys do. They have a sixth sense about when you are going to let them go, and that is when they finally text you, out of the blue to ask you what you are doing in a flirtatious manner with no intention of actually doing anything with you and then they leave you there stunned and confused and you cannot get them off your mind! Er, their behavior off your mind.

I picked up Ryan last night from Shooters. Why I do not know, probably because it is only five minutes from my house and I do everything he asks me too like a compliant puppy. But we hardly spoke last night, I was silent for a change. I felt overly confused. From going out with a friend of mine the night before, whom of which I had the slightest thought about that evening, not as a friend but as a lover. To a girls night the night before and running into the ex [fiance']'s sister, whom of which did not resist throwing his new perfect relationship into my face as if it were her dirty martini. Then the fighter's confusing text conversation, first asking what I was doing and then not asking me to actually do anything and then having an hour text conversation with me about relationships WTF! Then my "love" for Ryan, cause yes I love him. My new match.com adventure. My ghetto ass neighbors who party until three am and then have their 3 year old screaming fuck that shit at 6 am on the porch. With all of this I have experienced two nights of no sleeping and I am completely confused. So I hardly spoke. There entangled in an embrace, as we slept, as he slept I should say, I was 1000 miles away laying next to him. This morning I said goodbye to him, with full intentions of not seeing him again until I mentally sort this out.

We have been doing this off and on for almost a year. I have destroyed a relationship, found a new one, fallen in love, moved to florida with said relationship and moved home in the same amount of that Ryan and I have been doing this. I'm going to head into work. A lovely twn hour day. Vacation is over. I will write more later to keep my sanity.