Grow Up Peter Pan!

Ah! Blogger is finally back up and running. I find it so funny how you always want something that you cannot have in any facet of life. I woke up this morning with so many thoughts in my head. They are spewing out like mental vomit. I suppose that was the whole purpose in taking a few days off, alone, and in the middle of nowhere. When I logged on to blog this morning the website was down! OH NO! I have never felt the urge to blog more in my life than at that moment, simply because I couldn't. There are a lot of things I am wanting right now. Like a Giant Eagle so I didn't have to be gouged with ridicules local grocery store prices because they are the only one around in a 20 mile radius! I mean I paid $5.28 for four veggie burger patties! I suppose I should be lucky they even had them. Try being a vegetarian in a place with nothing but farmland around. I'm guessing that vegan is not a traditional diet up here. In total it was a $50 trip and all I'm going to be eating for the next two days is cereal, tuna and veggie patties.

Anyway. It was a little chilly today so I thought it would be a perfect day to head up to grove city and do a little shopping at the outlets. I think I may have a problem. I simply cannot deny myself of a cute pair of wedges (they were white and I needed a new white pair because my dog chewed my old pair!). I cannot ignore the calling of a cute ruffled pink sundress (Hey in my defense it was J.Crew and it was 30% with an additional $10 off tag, I was sold!). Ironically enough my mom called in the midst of my shopping excursion and reminded me to stay out of the Coach store. "Michele, you have bills to pay, be responsible!" I did not stay out of Coach, in fact I ran to it! I found the purse I have wanted for so long. I almost justified it's purchase because of a few reasons. 1. It was pink! I love anything pink! 2. Two I could afford it (well I could if I ate Ramen noodles for the next month and risked the possibility of no cell phone cause it would certainly get disconnected.) 3. It was 50% off, with an additional %20 if I purchased anything in the store that day! So my dream bag that is typically $379 would have cost me approximately $150.00. Oh and PA has no sales tax! I thought about taking everything back that I had purchased that day, a pair of shoes and four dresses, just to have that bag. I probably should have went there first and just bought it and gone back home! But no, I left the store without the bag, saddened by my decision but knowing it was the responsible thing to do if I wanted to avoid eviction next month! Damn you mother for always being right!

While I was shopping my friend Kenny text me. Kenny and I were really close a few months back. He was my best guy friend, my go to man so to speak. I would always run my relationship decisions by him before I did anything. I often would joke with him about how much money he saved me by not have to go to a psychologist or a relationship expert! Who better to know that male mind than well, a male, and I had access to his brain on an honest level 24/7. He would of course use my mind in the same way. We were psychological love tyrants on the people we dated and they mentally didn't stand a chance when the two of us consulted because we knew the ins and outs and ups and downs and twists and turns that anyone in a relationship with us could throw at us and it was pure genius. Until he fell in love. Of course what do you think happened? He left me. Just like that he was gone. I was left floating in the confusion love sea alone without a life vest. Anyway, he text to apologize. I'm hoping that he will call soon so that we can catch up. Perhaps my partner in crime is back!

My very best amazing friend Dana also called me on my journey today and she always gives me great relationship advice. Here is where I think the fighter and I are at right now.

The fighter is going through what I like to call Peter Pan syndrome, well I of course did not coin the term but I remember reading about it in my numerous psycholgy courses. This is the boy who does not want to grow up. The fighter is 26. He is bordering on the part of his life where he still maintains that frat boy mentality while struggling with settling down into a career, falling in love, and eventually getting married and starting a family. He wants to maintain his youth by guzzling beers, MMA fighting, and having nothing [girlfriend] to tie him down. So here I come in. I meet this great guy who I laugh with and can be myself with. I myself am experiencing a bit of Peter Pan syndrome (can we please call it Tinkerbell syndrome?) I recognize that I am not quite mentally prepared for a committed relationship at this exact point in time, but I also am capable of realizing that those things take time to develop and I would like to start finding someone to pass that time with while it develops. This is typically why I have been off and on with the Toolbox for so long. He allows me to be Tinkerbell whenever life as Wendy all grown up gets to be a little to "responsible." Nontheless I don't want to have my time wasted either here. There is no point in trying to develop a relationship if he is simply keeping me around because I haven't said "grow up Peter Pan! This isn't never never land. You can't have it both ways cause my heart doesn't work that way." And he's a guy. Of course he is going to maintain it the way that works for him as long as I comply with it. In all fairness, if I never say it bothers me, then he doesn't even really it does. I told Dana that I wanted to tell him how I am feeling about this. Her response was not to make a mountain out of a mole hill (her favorite by the way). Maybe she is right. Thank God I can at least blog about it!

Well I am going to watch the sunset over the lake and work on my new novel.