The truth will set you free

So here are two other four letter words that I absolutely hate...baby...mama! Yes I should have seen this one coming. In fact I did see it coming, I just didn't think it would quite be in this way. I just knew it this morning. Everything was moving in slow motion. He was moving in slow motion. The way he woke up, the way he moved slowly from my bed to the kitchen, to the bathroom and then back to bed. I kept waking up looking at the clock, anticipating it to be later than it was, as if my body was already anticipating his departure. I was going to tell him that this day needed to be goodbye, but I couldn't find the words to do it. Instead I was quiet. He knew what my silence meant because he knew me on a level that I didn't even understand. I kissed him goodbye and he left and in my heart I knew it was the last time I would see him.

I told him I hated him. Because I of course did not hate him at all. This prompted a phone call and a confession. SHE is moving to Ohio next week to work things out with him. SHE wants him to be close to his daughter and SHE is making the ultimate sacrifice by leaving her life to come here to be with him. HE has known for three weeks and has lied by with holding the truth from me, afraid of my reaction, which was of course GOODBYE! I should of known, in fact I did but I held on to this idiotic romantic ideal that I would be enough. That if he just fell in love, I would be enough. I'm not enough. I will never be her. I will never have a DNA connection to him, and the only DNA connection I have to him at the moment can be washed away with a bottle of Tide and a warm shower.

I am not as saddened by this as I am disappointed. I suppose you truly cannot have your cake and eat it too. I have cake, but him I devoured. And now that it is gone I am going to crave it because I know that emotionally I cannot have it because I cannot do that to myself. I knew nothing was going to come of our "open" relationship. In the long run I know that I will come out on top. They will try and work it out, and it won't work because it never does. He will call, beg, plead. I will have moved on and be happy and easily forget him and have the last laugh as I always do. Nonetheless, rejection at the end of the day is still rejection. Nobody wants to believe that they are second in anyone's life and nobody likes the feeling of rejection.

So I have decided to have a bottle of wine for dinner. No not a glass. You heard me correctly, a bottle and I am already feeling a lot better about my decision to say goodbye to Ryan, tool, whatever other four letter word I will come up with for him...FUCK...FACE...RUDE...DICK...SOUL...MATE...(jk!) So I am going to continue on my path of self destructive dating habits and hopefully I will meet a good man along the day!