Boredom and Dreams

So since I have been sick and doing nothing but laying on the couch for the past two days. I have officially started looking for apartments. I actually found some of the most gorgeous lofts in Cleveland that I would love to live in. Unfortunately lofts have upgraded from being the cheap and inexpensive way to live to being oversized, luxurious and the cutting edge in reality. I highly doubt that I am going to be able to afford some of these places since my maximum payment is in around $600, which includes utilities. I have found some cute studio apartments for $400 and some one bedrooms that include utilities for $550, and within walking distance of campus. I decided that living in an upscale loft was going to be a goal of mine to set. I am going to find a way to make enough money to be able to afford a loft like the one that I want to live in. I'm not sure how I am going to find time to do that yet but I have decided to try.

I had a dream that I was happily pregnant last night. Waking up this morning in a sheer state of panic, I realized that I was most definitely not pregnant so I was wondering what dreaming of pregnancy meant. So I of course looked it up. The dream interpreter said the following "To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.�This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal."

How indicative of how I've been feeling lately. I was very excited to know that my at least my subconscious might have some direction to life. So hear it is, almost noon on a Sunday. My goal for today is to simply paint, maybe work out a little, such as some yoga, nothing too strenuous since I've been sick. I want to do some laundry and put a bunch of clothes away, write some more in my Dear Jose book and look over my never ending list and start to plan another adventure to crossing things off my to-do list!

New Years Solutions

It is hard to believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. This year has gone by so fast and yet again I am left with a year full of wishes and would of should of could of's instead of did its, got it and finished it. I want to have a year full of accomplishments but in the everyday hustle and bustle I think that we lose sight of the things that we truly want to do in our lives. How do I find time for my daunting to do lists everyday but not find time to make my true to do list a priority in my life?

I never make new years resolutions simply because I never ever stick to them and then those are just more things to add to my should of could of would of's list. So this year I have decided not to make any resolutions because when I think about that term making resolutions does not make sense to me.

A resolution is a profound decision to do or not do something. In reality the only resolution I make every year is to not stick by my resolutions. Instead of resolutions, we should really come up with SOLUTIONS. We make resolutions based on problems we are having in are life. Just claiming to commit to them isn't going to actual solve them. I used to make a resolution every year that I was going to lose ten pounds. Did I ever? No of course not; just because I said I was going to lose ten pounds didn't mean I actually did it. What I needed was a solution, a way to resolve this issue, something I never created in my creation of resolutions.

So this year I am going to make solutions. I want to stick by my to-do list, by at least completing one thing a month. This is of course at the very least. Some things on my list can only be done in the winter, or the summer so obviously the seasonal list items are going to have to take precedence while it is still cold and snowy.

I'll let you know how that works out for me though. I am also going to spend my New Years in a good way this year. I cannot remember the last time I truly did what I wanted to do on New Years. I was always tied down or doing what a boyfriend wanted to do or I've worked at the bar and any single new years. So this is going to be my first New Years semi single, not working and I am going to enjoy it as I wish.

Festivus for the restivus

I love Christmas in parts. I love the lights, I love making snow angels and walking in the snow while staring at the lights. I love walking around Crocker park drinking my mocha latte and feeling the cold flakes hit my warm cheeks.

In its entirty, however, I hate the holidays. I hate the rush to get all of your shopping done because I never have time. I hate the stress that lingers in the air. I am stressed out enough without feeling the vibe from other people surround me. I think the part of Christmas that I hate the most is the sadness that I try to smile through every year. This comes directly from my mother.

She is still not speaking to me, which for this length of time, has been odd, but she typically exhibits this behavior towards me at every holiday. I don't want to participate in a holiday with her because of the way she acts. What do you buy for someone who is miserable. They don't bottle happiness. Then when you do get them something that you think they'll really like, they don't appreciate it. You can never please her. I can't please her with the way I live my life, I don't think a $50 Christmas gift is going to do the trick either.

Christmas Eve is when the awkwardness begins. It has been the same every year, except last year, because the entire family was sick and we actually couldn't do Christmas. I was the only one not sick because I didn't live at home. But it is on the evening that my mother sits and complains about how unsuccessful and screwed up all three of her children are, in an effort to fluff off some responsibility and take the focus off of how miserable she has actually become as a human being. My dad chimes in every once an a while to defend his children and my uncle often times turns the table on her crazy unrealistic expectations of her adult timeline. My sister and her boyfriend sit in on the adult conversations and sip their wine to feel more adult and intune with their kind. My sister is trying to force him off on the family because she is certain that he is going to propose soon. My brother awkwardly avoids most contact and conversations about his personal life as much as possible as well. He stays quiet, doesn't offer up an opinion and in this way he is smart about his tactic because somehow every year he manages to stay out of the line of fire.

Typically I stay with my cousins who are around my age, my other cousin who drinks like a fish and thus draws all attention to how he can open multiple beer cans at the same time, and chug them (what can I say we are a talented family), and then if I hear my mother speaking about me, I will make an attempt to defend myself and then usually I leave and meet up with people whom of which actually want to spend time with me on Christmas.

I haven't yet decided if I want to torture myself yet this year. I may not participate in Christmas. My mother wouldn't care either way. She would not understand that my lack of participation is due to her manipulation of the mind and making me feel horrible about myself. I'll keep you updated on my decision as Christmas nears.

Insomnia: My worst enemy

I have so many thoughts and ideas dancing around in my head that I am finding a hard time sleeping at night. Even in my sleep my mind is racing and I am dreaming about my life. I think it is my subconsciousness trying to give me answers that I seek and simply cannot seem to find. A few months back, when a friend told me that in six months my life would be more different than I ever expected, she wasn't lying. Here it has only been two months and I never expected I would be where I am at this moment.

My life continues to be busy and here I am trying to find more things to fill my life with. I am on this kick of doing things that I want to do which I am very proud of. I am slowly crossing things off of my to-do list. Such as today I made Carrie go rock climbing with me which was a great experience. I am thankful to have such a good friend who will come and try crazy things with me. My mother continues to not speak to me, which I have come to terms with. It is what it is and I am not going to go above and beyond to fix something when I am not the one with the problem. Perhaps I am being stubborn or difficult but I cannot handle the negativity right now in my life. I am trying to eliminate all negativity from my life in the first place.

I started dating this really great guy as well. It's ironic because we have been friends for years. Like seven years, us dating just sort of happened. I'm nervous because if it doesn't work out I don't want it to ruin a friendship, or multiple friendships since we are friends with a lot of the same people but I'm excited because at the same time it's the friendship that we share that is making it so great to be with him. We are taking things REALLY slow, which is nice because I've really only been single for four months. I'm not ready to be anybody's girlfriend quite yet. I'm still working really hard to accomplish a lot of things on my personal to do list, one day at a time.

Operation lose the clapper

I am overwhelmed and my life is yet again slightly out of balance (I believe this to be so because I actually dreamt I was in a yoga class and could not balance; if that's not a literal meaning I don't know what is). However, as I was running on the treadmill today, listening to music, I realized that the reason my life is out of balance is because I simply have too many goals to accomplish and this is unrealistic. As usual I am trying to do everything RIGHT NOW, I want it RIGHT NOW and I am setting unrealistic goals with unreasonable deadlines to get them done. I think this is because I feel as if I have reached my quarter life crisis, along with my mother not speaking to me it is causing me to focus on unimportant issues. So I have decided to set mini goals along with long term goals. I am so focused on long term goals that I am tripping over myself. Today is already Wednesday and I have to go out of town this weekend for work, along with having a multitude of private lessons and choreography sessions to pack in this week, my week is pretty much shot. But I set some mini-goals for the next four days and then decided tomorrow is a new week.

Crazy Week Short Term Goals:

Pay Tuition, Doctor Bill #2, Go through boxes in garage, Study for final #2 and Workout two more times this week, write two chapters in book.

I have decided that mini goals are stepping stones to my long term goals. Writing my book is on my list of things i want to accomplish and if I set aside time to write chapters I will eventually complete it (It is almost done;) and paying off my doctors bill is a big goal because I really want to pay off my credit card so I can get out of the devil's lair. And working out is part of operation lose the clapper! (My ass). So baby steps. I guess you have to crawl before you walk and I'm simply trying to run before I'm even able to crawl.

Well somehow I managed to fit things into my schedule today. I have to leave for work and I need to eat some lunch before I go because FOR REAL this time, I am giving up sugar. I am borderline diabetic, eating a ton of it because my theory is, I work out, I'm a size 6, who cares, but really it's causing my body to go hay wire and I wonder why my weight is fluctuating, my medicine isn't working and my skin is breaking out constantly. So no more sugar for me! For the second time.

oooohhhhhmmmmm

I dragged my friend Carrie to a hot yoga class this morning. It is the practice of power flow yoga in a 90 degree room. It was on my list of things to try and she happened to be the person I suckered to try it with me. All in all, it was a fantastic experience. One that her and I are going to start doing together on a weekly basis. However, during the experience of becoming one with your body and your thoughts, the yogi, or spiritual guide said something today that really struck home with me. She said, let go of what you expect will come. If you hold on too tightly to these expectations, you will not be ready for the actual events that are going to transpire in your life. What a powerful and truthful statement. People are always worrying so much about their future and get so caught up in planning that they get completely side tracked when the unexpected happens in their life. I realized today that I used to be this type of person. I always had a plan for my life. I always had to stay on track and in one moment, a single curveball cost me a lot of time money and energy to pick myself off the broken path and continue on my journey. Perhaps if I had not been so focused I could have seen the foreshadowing of what was to come.

I think that this is why I am content with my life at the moment. I am not worrying about my future, in the sense that I am open to new and exciting experiences. I am open and willing to new ideas and future endeavors. I will continue on my path, on my journey that I have pre planned for myself, but I will remain open to what could come and not have any expectations for a future that I cannot know about until it is the present. Perhaps if this is the zen-ful way that people live their lives, their pasts shall not be so rocky and their present will be meaningful in so many ways.

I know what is best for my own life. A powerful statement said to me by a medium that I wrote about in a previous blog. I will refuse to let the anger and negativity of others bring me down because I do not care what others think of my path because it is my own. Walk your talk. Do not criticize others for how you feel you should be living your own life. F

approval

I wish you could see how much of a double standard you are. I wish you could see how much your actions effect the mood and rationale of other people in your life. I wish you could see that it is your actions that push people away from you, that make them withdraw themselves from your life and not want to speak to you either. Your approval is no longer needed or necessary. We are all adults. Adults who will live our lives whether you agree with our method or not. Because we are happy and somehow between the disapproving snotty stares and evil glances, we have learned that it is personal happiness the equates to more in life than winning over your inner desires. I am no psychologist, nor will I pretend that my brief education of it can figure out what often times runs through your mind but one day I wish someone would stand up to you and tell you what your reflection most often shows.

Tipping the Scale

Maybe it is because I am a libra, maybe a women, either way I'm going to blame this one on the cosmos. More often than not, my greatest struggle in life is one with balance. If my life is ouy of balance then my life is in turmoil and I tend to have a pretty difficult day. I try to balance my personal life, which includes friends either in person or just reconnecting during my hour drive home on my cell phone, family and dating. Family, which is easier to balance now that I live back at home for the time being and am able to see them everyday, and dating, well dating for me will forever be complicated. Then there is my work life. Trying to manage a undertrained and determined staff, and a boss who could possibly think the same about me. I work with hot heads, flakes and detailed orientated people all in one office and I feel that I am the most even keeled somehow have to manage being the balance between them all. Then I manage my school life. Class, late night study sessions and papers that I put off until the last minute because I am well versed and am able to do so. Then I try and balance myself. There is so much that I as a person would like to do and trying to accomplish this list of things to do is forever difficult. This goes without saying the traditional everyday personal things that I must do but then an added difficulty in balancing out the things that I want to do. Such as finishing my book, blogging, working out, tanning and most importantly: sleeping.

Lately I have had an increasing difficulty in finding a balance between all of these things that I want to do in life and have to do. My number one focus should be on myself. What I want and what I don't but I never really realized how crazy my life gets if I neglect even one aspect of all of the things in my life that I have to balance between.

For instance, family. I love my sister dearly and miss her terribly and I know that she is lonely being with only her boyfriend in Chicago. As much as she calls and we stay in touch, I have only been able to manage to return her phone calls 50% of the time because I spend my time home in the car talking to my boss who seems to have more to tell me that just can't wait until I get into the office the next day.

With work, my boss keeps dumping so much new work on me that needs to be done at a prompt matter, that I am neglecting my own personal compiled list of things that I have to get done. When they don't get finished or they do just half assed because I am rushing, telling your boss that you would have got it done if she would have given you an opportunity to finish is not a good excuse. So work has been increasingly stressful because I respect authority and apologize and pretend everything to be my fault even when it is not.

With my personal life, dating and balancing friendships becomes harder each week. I have a lot of friends all of whom do not always hang out together and I make plans with those that ask me to do things in advance. If I am not "scheduled" to do something then I like to live my life at random and do the first thing that pops up that sounds fun. People seem to be starting to take it personally, more as I am blowing them off. I am not blowing you off, I am busy and you were not very quick on your mark. As mentioned in my previous blog, "gentleman, hanging out is not a DATE and I will date those that actually ask me out on a date." If you just ask to "hang out" if I am not busy then ok, but plans with friends and guys who respect me enough to take me to dinner or what not, will always get my attention first.

Well blog, I am just venting some steam here and I have been typing for a while and I would like to write another chapter in my Dear Jose book. I have set a goal to have it written and published before December 4th. Lindsay has planned a cookie exchange and wine tasting party for us girls and I would love to be able to surprise them with the book. So next week is my deadline to have it done so it has time to get to me.

Anti dating

My dating life is often a topic that includes much hilarity among my friends and I. I for one, have normally been in relationships, along with my girlfriends, so I am navigating through this thing called dating in the dark. Luckily for me, since I seem to not be very good at it, I can ignore the so called dating rules and let loose and just have fun. However, it brings me to wonder what dating truly constitutes these days. My girlfriends and I sit back and ponder these questions over endless phone calls and bottles of wine, analyzing text messages and actions. I went out on what my friend Kenny and I called an "antidate" two weeks ago. Neither one of us in relationships, but wanted to go to eat sushi and see a movie, we called upon each other to escape the bellowing stares of how odd it would have looked if we would have flown solo. It was not a date, but it was actually more of a resemblance of a date than what I have done with guys I'm actually "dating." To me hanging out is hanging out. If you are not asking me out to the cliche dinner and a movie or to hang out with you solo, then hanging out is not a date. I think that guys need a lesson on dating because girls will not think it is a date unless you pick them up, in your car and drive, take them somewhere where it is just the two of you, drop them off and walk them to the door narrowly escaping the awkward first date kiss. Anything else is not a date, it is two people who like to hang out simply doing just that "hanging out." So don't get mad when we make other plans, are hanging out with other people, or are actually going on dates with other guys. If you're not asking, neither are we. My guy friends complain to me constantly about how women are so complicated and they wish that they had a manual that came with us. We are not the complicated, we are not that hard to read, and surprisingly enough we take a lot of things at face value. It is what it is and unless you say you want a particular situation to change, we aren't bringing up the conversation. I think I'm going to write another book when I finish my dear Jose book about my dating adventures and I'll call it He's just THAT into you. Sometimes women are just as oblivious to the obvious as men and I'm beginning to fall into that category myself.

Pumpkin pie latte with a side of interesting please?

I spent my morning in a coffee shop today, being the sterotypical java junkie, studying, then working on my novel and now blogging away. A lot of interesting people walk into coffee shops. Some just pop in to get their daily decaf, others are here catching up with friends, some our learning new languages and some are here not even drinking coffee, so I'm not really sure why they are here. I wonder if people walk into the shop and look at me and wonder what kind of a person I am. I wonder if they think about what I am studying, or what I am typing away about looking os intense into my work, barely able to take a pause from typing long enough to take a sip of my pumpkin pie latte. In thinking about the type of person I am again, I am not doing so well on my addictions. I think it is impossible for me to give up chocolate and caffeine. Personally this is something that makes me who I am. I love chocolate, and kind, I'm addicted. I love caffeine. I again, am addicted. I'm doing really well on the cigarettes and casanova addiction, however, so a fifty percent success rate on the four things I was going to try and give up is good enough for me for now!

More to come later, even though my life has not been all that exciting, but I do have a "anti-date" to blog about but I have to go to work and it will have to wait until I don't have to study.

Addiction Diaries

So I am attempting, successfully surprisingly, to quit smoking. I have not been a non-smoker in years and in some very sad and disturbing way, it was one quality about me that actually made me who I am. Throughout high school and struggling through identity crisis' and deeply searching your soul for answers, I was a smoker. It defined me. I smoked. I know it sounds horrible and I know how bad it is for your health and I've read all the studies, but it was something that I did everyday. It was one thing in my life that I was always committed to and it committed to me. Mr. Marlboro was there for me in the car on my long hours of road tripping. He was there through the many bar stool sorrow sob stories and tequila shots. Mr. Marlboro was there for me even after a workout, because running a mile cancelled out the effects of at least two cigarettes right?

So now here I am, struggling with my identity a little bit now because I have recently redefined myself as a non-smoker. And since I am making such healthy choices for my life, I have decided to try and quit a slew of other addictions that often times occupy my mind, my lifestyle and my time. For instance, tequila. I love tequila. Everyone knows I love tequila. Everyone loves me on tequila. But I am going to quit drinking tequila. Even though it has created some very fond memories, lately I often find myself rubbing my head with one eye open in the morning grunting "fuck my life" over and over when I drink tequila. So I am not going to have anymore tequila.

Since I was giving up cigarettes and tequila, I decided to try and give up another vice of mine: sugar. Sugar and I have a very intimate relationship. I eat it everyday. I even eat chocolate for breakfast with the excuse that it helps make me thirsty so I start my day off right with two glasses of water. So today is going to be my last day of eating sugar, for a while, giving up sugar completely for a lifetime is a goal even I know is unattainable.

And while I was on this path of self discovery and health, I have decided to give up my addiction of model-Esq males. Yes, I admit, I am shallow. I date only for appearance at times and it never ends well, in fact I can even tell you how it will end before I even go out on a date with them (if there is a date). Because let me tell you, these pretty boys only care about themselves, so if they can drag themselves out of their state of narcissism long enough to ask what YOU might want to do, then you might get a date. If not (and usually not) you (I) get a blue eyed snake who spits venom in the form of sex appeal and I go numb every time. Well not anymore. I am going to date outside of the box, when the situation arises and I am going to run far away from these modern day Casanovas and never look back.

They have done studies that says it takes six months to develop a habit and it takes a lifetime to break one. I realized while I was in the hospital that I needed to make a drastic change in my life. A change for the good, and this was something that I was terrified to do because it is different. I was the tequila shooting, womanizer dating, red smoking beautiful disaster. But this is not how I want to be viewed when I do meet people. I want to be interesting. I want to be fit and healthy. This is going to be a struggle everyday and I will keep you updated in the blog on my addiction diaries. I am excited to turn over a new leaf!

The black scarf

So today I feel most out of character. I am surprisingly at ease. I have many things to do, many things I want to do, but slowly my to do list is dwindling and I am now in a shocking place not quite knowing what to do with myself when I am not in a hurry or a rush. There has been no hustle to my day. I was late to chemistry lab, but it was fine. I was late to genetics, but we didn't even start on time. I was late into work and yet, find myself sitting with no work to do until my class begins.

I went shopping today. I was on a mission. One, I had many coupons and gift cards to my favorite store, so I wanted to spend that, but I also was on a mission to find this black scarf. I wanted a black scarf and bangle bracelets and I had them perfectly pictured in my head. I was already coordinating all the outfits that I could put together with these pieces of accessories and I was so excited that when I got out of lab early I raced to the store without hesitancy to complete my mission.

Upon arriving to the store, I was dissappointed to find that even though they had a black scarf and bangle bracelets, they were not exactly what I was looking for. Instead of giving up the search or leaving to find exactly what I wanted, I purchased them because they were close enough and why waste another trip and more time when I didn't really know if the perfect scarf or bangle set truly existed.

I realized that this was what I was doing in my life. I have these ideals in my head that are fantastic. I get excited about searching for them. I hunt for them, I prey on them. When I think I find them, even if they are not exactly what I want, I accept less than perfection because I feel that close enough is good enough for me.

Close enough is not good enough, because close enough is not what I want for my life. I want my ideal, I want my dream job with my dreamy husband and my dream car. My dream job is not one in which I make a lot of money, it is one that makes me happy. My dream husband does not have to be six feet tall with muscles a tan and lots of money, but he does have to have the qualities that I value which might not be the same to everyone else. My dream car is not a mercedes. It is a small SUV that doesn't squeal when it rains nor has rust on the side of the car.

My point is, is that life is like the perfect black scarf. Sure black realistically goes with everything, but why settle for a scarf that you are not in love with when you could simply accessorize with a fabulous hat!

At peace with the Universe

For the past two years, something that started as a fun Halloween party at work, has turned into a bright light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. We had this lady come in who was a medium, a saint, a spirit guide, a clarvoyant, however you chose to view her based on her experience. With the wonders of technology and facebook of course, I have managed to connect with her passionate wisdom from above on a daily basis. I use her as a guide to life. She has the ability to stay still and connect to the Universe. A Universe that places people and signs in our path on a daily basis, but we are just too wrapped up in our mundane tasks to be still and see them, to listen to them. We all have that inner voice, intuition, that funny feeling in the pit of our stomach, but often times we choose to ignore it. We my recent perils, my inability to make a decision, my quick wit and thinking, my move from my apartment, the devastation from a broken heart, the unwillingness to settle and so much more, I needed to be sure that I was on the right path. Tears, forty dollars and a phone call later, this is what the universe had to say for me...

Lion- leader
Greetings
There have been many people leading without authority. You have actually had the answers all along
but have been unsure in your leader role to take a stand with all of these larger energies.
This is the dawning of a new day.. This hurdle/obstacle will set the pace for all of the other leadership
roles that you are playing, and will become very simple to overcome. Since they are all reflective of your
confidence to know what is needed for your life.
Your intuition is developing and as you begin to trust the inner knowing will get stronger and you will
identify these familiar scenarios before they begin…….

Those are words directly from my spirit guide, watching over my life and evaluating my decisions on a daily basis. Of course we discussed what this meant and why it had any relation to my life. But even if you do not believe in any of this, it was a pretty strong message.

Silence

I realize it has been a few weeks since I have written. I find myself consumed with nothing but tasks that I have to complete, deadlines I need to meet and an overwhelming sense of desire to bury my head in the sand again and ignore the trials and tribulations of life. However, I am now an adult and remind myself everyday that this is not an option and somehow I find enough strength in my coffee grounds to keep going at a pace of an olympic sprinter. The homework keeps piling up, time keeps slipping past and it seems that even with no sleep, there is simply only one of me and that is not enough to maintain this pace for much longer.

I came home last night from a twelve hour day of work, filming a reality t.v show for m.t.v and when I walked in the door to silence, I broke down. I have not had silence for so long. I have not simply been able to sit in the stillness of a dimly lit room alone with my thoughts in months and it was the most joyous feeling, I couldn't help but just cry. I was able to separate myself from the whirlwind of thoughts and things to do in my mind and just be with myself, alone and I was able to crawl into my bed, alone and sleep. Just sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvinated with the knowledge that God would not give me anything that I cannot handle. He is placing all of this on my plate as a true test of character. A test of my ability to prioritize, not procrastinate and to help me along my journey in self discovery. It is in this hardship that I am figuring out the most about myself and the most about what I need without even having to put it in the forefront of my mind. Subconsciously I am realizing what path I want to take in my life. I may be at a crossroads right now, but I am at least able to read the sign at this fork in the road and I have faith that I will soon have courage to joyously skip down the path I choose instead of run scared down a self destructive path.

I have to prioritize now and begin studying for an exam. Hopefully I will have enough solitude in my evening to write again later.

100 days of my life; 100 selfish acts; 100 self discoveries

As I have mentioned in a few other blogs, I have made lists of things that I want to do. Without much success, I haven't completed any of them and it has been close to two years since I have made my first list. In retrospect, it doesn't seem that long ago, but two years time is a lot of time to waste when that is a total of 730 days and my list was only about 30 activities long. That means that since I complete only about 10 things on my list, I accomplished nothing but mundane tasks for 720 days. I am sickened by how much time I tend to waste and flustered by the amount of things that I want to experience, but use time as an excuse as to why I never do it. This year, I want to do something different. I want to complete something in my life, since I am the type of person that starts a hundred projects and cannot finish one. I was going to make my project last a full year with 365 things to try and accomplish. I thought this might be a little too ambitious, since realistically I am a full time student and I do work full time. So I have cut the list down to 100. 100 things to do this year and each thing that I accomplish on the list I will take a photograph or a self portrait so to speak. This will be my year long masterpiece and I will blog about the experiences I have had doing the things on my list. I have to go to class, but I will start thinking of 100 things I want to experience and I will update this later.

Distractions

Today I am finding myself to be consumed by distractions. Not by people, but by the thoughts that are swirling throughout my mind today so I took a break from what I had to do to see if blogging would help to clear away the fog from my mind.

I woke up today in a rush, not because I was late or because I had slept in, I had just slept in longer than I had particularly wanted to. I wanted to get up and print out my notes for class tomorrow, but I didn't. I wanted to wake up and charge my bluetooth, but I didn't. Instead I was so overwhelmed with the idea that I had woken up 30 minutes later than I had intended, I just laid in bed with my coffee and thought about what I should be doing instead of actually doing it. Take for instance this very moment. I should be using this time to write my chemistry lab report, however, I am so consumed by all of these thoughts that if I do not get them out I cannot further concentrate, thus being an enabler to my own mind. So instead I am blogging.

Last night I had an odd dream, one of many that I have had in the past few nights which makes me believe that the cosmos are either trying to tell me to settle down, you are in more control than you think, or they are saying that no amount of therapy will be able to decipher what my innermost subconsciousness is trying to say to me these days.

I dreamt that my boyfriend and I were at a party and he was paying attention to every girl in the room except for me. Usually this does not bother me but in my dream I was quite disturbed by it. I noticed him paying particular attention to an ex girlfriend and after they were done flirting, being the bold person that I am, I approached him and asked him why he was doing this and if maybe now he felt as if we should split up. He said to me..."If I can get this many chicks with a girlfriend, imagine how many I can get without one." There it was, the decision was made, the immature, chick magnet had re-emerged from within which made me realize that it was that persona that made me fall out of love with him the first time and I bowed out gracefully. Upon returning to our apartment after the party, which was of course only a resemblance of our apartment, but a much nicer and larger, two story version, he was of course on the couch and as I walked to the bathroom, I found it clogged, with the seat up and the toilet paper roll empty. With the exception of the toilet clog, this is the disarray I often times find the bathroom was makes me angry in our waking life, so it is no wonder I dreamt of this scenario. In my dream, I simply exasperated and then I awoke, wondering if he wasn't lying next to me because he had gone to work or if I had simply gotten what I seem to be dreaming of: brutal honesty and an endless supply of toilet paper.

The night before this I was in the water, rapids, in a row boat with my family and my mother was steering in the front of the boat with her orange and blue life jacket on and her yellow helmet. I was the perspective at the far rear of the boat, watching her navigate through these rough waters and then she simply stood up and said to me, "Michele, take the paddle and come to the front of the boat." I awoke feeling a sigh of relief. This dream made me feel as if she was subconsciously telling me that she trusts my judgement in hard times and trusts me enough to be able to paddle through the rough waters of life. I of course, am no dream interpreter but this is what I would like this dream to signify!

Well blog, it is almost 11:30, which was the time I said I would pack up and head to work. My compulsive scheduled nature will not allow me to stay a minute more or my life will further more be in a panic (I should probably see someone about this OCD problem). I will write more later if I finish my lab report at a decent time this evening and get all of my schooling out of the way, for I still have a million things to say and I know I will not rest if I don't remove them from my consciousness.

Who are you today

I finally had a day off of work and school and it felt fantastic. I was able to sleep in and wake up to the sound of the rain dancing on the street as cars drove by. I went shopping with my mother, it is always nice to spend time with her because I do not get to see her often. I finished my grocery shopping and still managed to find time to be a little selfish today by indulging in a new pair of ballet flats and some clothing. However, having to run a million errands today made me think about the different roles that women often times play in the duration of the day. My mother took care of a household, a husband, three children, a dog allow with running her million errands and working part time. As I view the daily grind of my own life, I realize that I too take on so many different roles in my day. If anyone is ever unsure of who they are as a person, they should sit down and write down all of the things that they do in a day and add a creative ending. Read through the list once it is written and smile at the things that you can accomplish in a day.

Today I was...an alarm clock ignorer, a coffee drinker, a love for tall boots wearer, a daughter, a formal charge assigner, a car detailer, a Target and grocery shopper, a hat buyer, a driver, a dinner cooker, a fine art admirer and a blogger.

That is a lot of things to be in one day. Women everywhere...we rock!!! Take time to appreciate the little things about yourself that make you; you.

Cinderella Complex

I had an exceptionally long a dull day today. I had to wake up early to go to class, a subject I am not particularly interested in, and had to go straight to work afterwards. I worked 10 hours. I then came home to a dirty kitchen, one that has been this way for the past three days since I had cleaned it before. I simply could not find the time to clean it with putting in 14 hour days. Doing the dishes was the last thing that I wanted to do after I had to clean mildew off gymnastics mats and moved offices all day but it needed to be done and it was apparent that there was nobody around that was going to make my life any easier.

As I proceeded to do the dishes, while my boyfriend sat on the couch and ate Doritos and watched television, my thoughts could not help but be turned to a paper I had written over five years ago about the idea of the Cinderella Complex.

The Cinderella Complex was first described by a therapist. She believed that this was a women's unconscious fear of Independence, or more specifically a way to describe why women stay in dysfunctional relationships. I argued this theory in my paper. I believe that women want and do deserve to be taken care of. This is not shown as weakness, nor comes across as being dependent. I am a very independent person, I do a lot of things on my own, I am in school to have a career and I take pride in being financially dependent from a man. However, is it so much to ask to have a man in your life that understands when you have a hard day and will put down the Doritos and help at least dry the dishes?

If anything, the Cinderella fairytale has placed an ideal in our heads that one day prince charming will come and sweep us off our feet, carry us away to his castle on the back of his white horse, and we shall live "happily every after." It is the idea that there is a true match for everyone, that a soul mate exists and that one day we will find that one true mate and it will be a magical experience where butterflies will stretch their wings to the sky and birds will chirp sweet hymnals.

Now I do not believe that it will happen quite in this way, but why is having hope that there is one true love out there for everyone all of a sudden a complex? And why, as an independent women, wanting the most for her life and her relationships all of a sudden a psychological condition. What kind of medication will they start prescribing for someone like myself who wants to find my modern version of prince charming: anxiety medication due to hopelessness, antidepressants due to false perceptions, or possibly Ritalin for day dreaming?

In the air

My friend Ann called me today, she has left for her internship which was the realization, along with the start of classes, that summer has officially come to an end. I walked outside tonight and you could smell the change of seasons in the air. This is my favorite time of the year. The hot summer air now has a chill in it. Bond fires and pumpkin carvings are around the corner. The leaves begin to change and everyone has a calm about them as they put their last days of summer behind them as they prepare for winter.

My day was successfully uneventful. I had to work briefly and then I came home and did absolutely nothing. As guilty as I feel about this, it also felt amazing. Somedays I need time to just sit and relax, to not have to do anything and to regroup for the week ahead of me. I took a nap in which I know I will regret tonight when it is midnight and I am still trying to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a day full of classes and work.

Coffee grounds

I have a full day to myself. The only thing I have to do is drop a bill off in the mail and that is it. I have an entire day to do as I please and still I find myself sitting on the couch...drinking my third cup of coffee blogging. The day has yet to be very eventful. I am about to go cancel my tanning package and then drive out to my mom's house to pick up some of my mail and say hi to my dog whom I never get to see. Tonight Ann and I are going to lymen harbor for drinks and dinner and the last time that we did this, the night turned out to be very eventful. I will make sure to keep you updated.

Observations that are useless

Here are a few observations I have made today while waiting for class.

I like wearing sunglasses because they hide by disinterest in boring conversation

Wearing boots in eighty degree weather is slightly inappropriate and no longer a fashion statement

I don't mind being in school for so long because it actually has been the longest commitment I have been able to keep in my life

Scanties is a really fun word to try and use in conversation

e flowers are not only ridicules...but nothing says I like you, but am too cheap and consumed in my own life to actually send you real flowers.

Dating in the real world has become absurd. First there is the casual meeting with drinks so both of you can be semi-intoxicated in order to actually seem interested in the meaningless conversation that you are having. Then there is the following of two weeks of facebook stalking, followed by a banter of text messages in order to be able to really get to know each other. What a fairytale.

Inspiring

What a wonderful day I am having today. I awoke to a noisy alarm, hours earlier than I would like to get up but I had chemistry lab today. I was able to enjoy a warm cup of coffee in bed as I checked my emails watched television. I love waking up alone. If you had asked me if this was enjoyable a year ago I would have said no. But now I find a sense of relaxation and calming in waking up to nothing but silence and the morning sun peeking through the drapery. I finished class 2 and a half hours early and now am able to drink another coffee and sit and relax. What a great balance I am feeling today. I have two hours to sit here and be inspired.

I found a girl on a website who takes the most amazing photographs. She started a project, where she takes a photo of herself everyday for 365 days. She is an inspiration. I want to be able to do things like this with my life. Where would I find the time to fit in a daily photograph? I need to find a balance between the things that I love doing for myself and those things that I must do to better my future. It is sad, but I even have to write down mundane tasks suck as, do the dishes, or I would forget to do so in my chaotic life. I arrive home from work and sit down on the couch and become emerged in my lap top, writing, or becoming inspired by photographs of a girl who lives half was around the world.

Like I had said before, I had created a list over a year ago of things that I wanted to do before I was to marry. Large or small, they were all personal accomplishments that I wanted to make. I believe that it is time to update this list. For some I have done, and some have no intention of doing. This is going to be the year that I inspire myself. I am going to do one thing each day that is only for me. It will be my most selfish year, but I have an inclination that it will be the light that shines deeper into my soul, revealing in time exactly what I feel I am missing.

Ready to Jump

My birthday is coming up in a little over a month, and for some reason I am feeling really depressed about it this year. I will be twenty four, which is in no way old, I am aware of this. However, I am almost twenty five, which is almost thirty, which is an entirely new decade, so I think I am allowed to be slightly depressed.

To me this birthday just signifies another year that has gone by that I did not take advantage of. I did not have an opportunity to do all of the things that I wanted to do and I feel like I have not accomplished anything. I am not finished with school, not settling down and have no intentions of doing so in the next year. I have not finished my personal to do list that I started almost 2 years ago.

So this is what I have decided...new birthday...new list and most importantly, I am going to start the year off with a bang...or rather a free fall. I am going to go skydiving!

Toxic

I have been in the same relationship for the past year, and prior to that with same guy for three and a half years. I was the one who broke off the relationship the first time. After three years of his infidelities and constant going out without caring how it would affect me, I just couldn't take anymore and ended it. After two and a half years of searching, I just couldn't seem to find the love that I was looking for. There were plenty of guys in between and looking back a lot of messmorizing passion that kept me pre-occupied, but somehow "the relationship" continued to be a big part of my life as a friend. When we both found ourselves single last summer, after years apart, we thought that perhaps we were just meant to be together. Well I unfortunately got caught up in what I like to call, the cinderella complex, and thought he was prince charming, apparently to him I always was the one. Now here I am over a year later and I find myself becoming all too familiar with the couch on a nightly basis.

Mind you this is my fault and my decision. Somewhere and somehow I just lost it. I lost that loving feeling, I lost hope in the fairy tale and now I am slowly developing into an independent, relationship cynic who was once a hopeless romantic who thought every guy I dated was Mr. Right.

My only regret, I fear, is that this man, this relationship, is truly going to develop into something that I have always wanted to find and I am going to lose it. What if we are meant to be together? Is there really such a thing? Am I interfering with destiny simply because I am so selfish?

All I know for sure, is sometimes I think about our love and I truly do feel love. Other times, like tonight, I look at him and all I feel is my chest collapsing on my lungs as I slowly suffocate from his nonchalant controlling behavior, and that is when I find myself on the couch, blogging at one in the morning when I need to be sleeping.

Motherly Love

I called my mother this morning, simply to make conversation and to ask for her advice on something. My mother always sounds so cheery when you first begin your conversation, showing concern and empathy. Then came the dramatic climax, where she goes from being that caring friend to a controlling sociopath. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and she has done a lot for me, except for allow me control over my own life. Of course I control my own life, in the sense that I make my own decisions for myself, but my mother mentally tries to manipulate everyone of those choices. "Well I wouldn't have done it that way," "Why don't you just move home to save money." "I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut....but." I wonder if she realizes that the only two of the three children she does this too is her daughters, whom both no longer lived at home by the ages of 19 and 20, while my brother is 22 and happy as a clam living for free buying power boats and going on mexican vacations. I could be doing those things too if I still lived at home, but I cannot put a price on my sanity.

My mothers spite for me comes from a variety of issues, but they can be wrapped up into one extremely long run on sentence. I went to school for biology instead of journalism, turning down the entrance into a decent journalism and mass communications school, I drink and socialize too much, I am not married nor have any desire to be so anytime in the near future, I have no desire to make her a grandmother until she'll probably already be dead, I lack all domestic and motherly instincts that typical women should have, and I'm selfish.

I want to finish my degree. Even though I have been with the same guy off and on for seven years, I still don't feel in my heart that he's Mr. Right, so I refuse to accept a ring until I am sure of it. I don't want to have a baby until I get some sort of a career off the ground. I love biology, and as much as I loved writing, it was a hobby. I live paycheck to paycheck in a beautiful apartment with a stressful job that I am great at. My girlfriends (some of whom I have been friends with since kindergarten) are my backbone, even though they're bitches, they're my bitches! We are twenty three, we do drink, we have a good time, we make memories, we go on road trips and life is fabulous. I wouldn't trade my life for anything and I don't think she understands that. Yes I am disorganized, I lose everything, my shoes are thrown all over the closet, I never pick up after myself and I hate, hate, hate cleaning with a passion, but that is who I am and who I will always be. It might be a mess, but it is MY messy life and as long as I stay confident in my life, everything will be fine.

The beginning of a new blog!!

Even though I am potentially two years late, I have jumped on the technological bandwagon and started a blog. I have decided that I have too many thoughts in my head on a daily basis and unless I get them out of my head, I am going to continue to talk to myself, which is annoying me. My life is too busy to monolog it as if I am in my own made for t.v movie. However, it does keep me ever so slightly entertained during my hour commute to work.

So this blog is going to be a virtual diary, since actually having a diary is a thing in the past. I truly want to track how much, or how little, my life changes in a years time. Also, I am a firm believer that you don't know where you're going until you know where you have been... So here is where I am at today:

I am still living in the town that I have grown up in since I was a child. However, I am luckily out of my parents house and living the loft life in a beautiful apartment downtown. I overlook the lake, the historic district, and am in the center of every activity. Parking is horrendous, when I'm allowed to park on the street that is, which reminds me that I need to go move my car now before the police mark my tires again for parking for more than three hours between 8 and 4pm.

I live in this small yet beautiful loft apartment with my boyfriend of over a year, whom was once my boyfriend for over 3 years, until I broke up with him in 2006 to try and "find myself." This was when I moved to Florida, dated a few good men and somehow my heart ended back in his hands, and back at my parents house. Unfortunately, I am again at a cross road, wondering if he truly is my prince charming (questioning everyday if that prince even exists), and now once again, it is slowly destroying our relationship, one night on the couch at a time.

I work in a suburb on the east side of Cleveland, exactly one hour away from that beautiful loft apartment. If I wasn't in so much debt, from that wonderful impromptu move to Florida two years ago, I might actually be able to afford an apartment closer to work. Instead I am still paying about an extra $400 a month in credit card payments while I rack up even more student loan debt. I work extremely hard, and I don't make a lot of money, but I love what I do. I teach gymnastics to little kids, and am a team coordinator for a gym. This is my niche, I'm good at it, I look forward to going to work, and it's a hobby I hope to do for the rest of my life!

While I enjoy my hobby and live paycheck to paycheck, I am also a full time student in school studying biology and chemistry in hopes of one day, real soon, finding out what it is I actually want to do with this degree. I want to attend physician's assistant school but am undoubtedly self conscious on my ability to even get accepted let alone my ability to handle the course load. All my life I have been able to do anything I have put my mind too, and school is the one area in my life that I keep seeming to be a failure. It has certainly put a damper on my self esteem. I was always a straight A student, I am very smart. However, when it comes to common sense smart, I lack some intelligence. I have always had to work full time through school, which has made it difficult to study, maintain an A average and get 8 hours of sleep a night. If it came down to getting an A on an exam or sleeping an extra hour, I slept. Also in moving to Florida, it wasted a year of my life because I had to drop out of school to move back home and wasted a semester and then had to put another two semesters off because I was so broke I needed to work at a bar slinging drinks like Tom Cruise in cocktail to pay off a portion of my debts (and I mean literally, I was a "flair" bartender!) So now I am back in school, back on track, and trying desperately to repair the futile damage I did to my G.P.A.

In an attempt to not sound so cynical, I will say that I lead a pretty amazing life. I have amazing girlfriends without whom I would not have so many great drunken stories or life experience. My parents are unbelievable and stand behind me know matter how stupid my decisions. And on that note, I hope to find followers of my blog, who will relate to how I feel and help guide my life. I also hope to look back on this in a year and be proud of things that I have done. I need to find some meaning in my life because for some reason my best just hasn't been good enough and my life experiences not enough, and with my upcoming birthday (24), I am becoming more concerned that I will never find my way.