Boredom and Dreams

So since I have been sick and doing nothing but laying on the couch for the past two days. I have officially started looking for apartments. I actually found some of the most gorgeous lofts in Cleveland that I would love to live in. Unfortunately lofts have upgraded from being the cheap and inexpensive way to live to being oversized, luxurious and the cutting edge in reality. I highly doubt that I am going to be able to afford some of these places since my maximum payment is in around $600, which includes utilities. I have found some cute studio apartments for $400 and some one bedrooms that include utilities for $550, and within walking distance of campus. I decided that living in an upscale loft was going to be a goal of mine to set. I am going to find a way to make enough money to be able to afford a loft like the one that I want to live in. I'm not sure how I am going to find time to do that yet but I have decided to try.

I had a dream that I was happily pregnant last night. Waking up this morning in a sheer state of panic, I realized that I was most definitely not pregnant so I was wondering what dreaming of pregnancy meant. So I of course looked it up. The dream interpreter said the following "To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.�This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal."

How indicative of how I've been feeling lately. I was very excited to know that my at least my subconscious might have some direction to life. So hear it is, almost noon on a Sunday. My goal for today is to simply paint, maybe work out a little, such as some yoga, nothing too strenuous since I've been sick. I want to do some laundry and put a bunch of clothes away, write some more in my Dear Jose book and look over my never ending list and start to plan another adventure to crossing things off my to-do list!

New Years Solutions

It is hard to believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. This year has gone by so fast and yet again I am left with a year full of wishes and would of should of could of's instead of did its, got it and finished it. I want to have a year full of accomplishments but in the everyday hustle and bustle I think that we lose sight of the things that we truly want to do in our lives. How do I find time for my daunting to do lists everyday but not find time to make my true to do list a priority in my life?

I never make new years resolutions simply because I never ever stick to them and then those are just more things to add to my should of could of would of's list. So this year I have decided not to make any resolutions because when I think about that term making resolutions does not make sense to me.

A resolution is a profound decision to do or not do something. In reality the only resolution I make every year is to not stick by my resolutions. Instead of resolutions, we should really come up with SOLUTIONS. We make resolutions based on problems we are having in are life. Just claiming to commit to them isn't going to actual solve them. I used to make a resolution every year that I was going to lose ten pounds. Did I ever? No of course not; just because I said I was going to lose ten pounds didn't mean I actually did it. What I needed was a solution, a way to resolve this issue, something I never created in my creation of resolutions.

So this year I am going to make solutions. I want to stick by my to-do list, by at least completing one thing a month. This is of course at the very least. Some things on my list can only be done in the winter, or the summer so obviously the seasonal list items are going to have to take precedence while it is still cold and snowy.

I'll let you know how that works out for me though. I am also going to spend my New Years in a good way this year. I cannot remember the last time I truly did what I wanted to do on New Years. I was always tied down or doing what a boyfriend wanted to do or I've worked at the bar and any single new years. So this is going to be my first New Years semi single, not working and I am going to enjoy it as I wish.

Festivus for the restivus

I love Christmas in parts. I love the lights, I love making snow angels and walking in the snow while staring at the lights. I love walking around Crocker park drinking my mocha latte and feeling the cold flakes hit my warm cheeks.

In its entirty, however, I hate the holidays. I hate the rush to get all of your shopping done because I never have time. I hate the stress that lingers in the air. I am stressed out enough without feeling the vibe from other people surround me. I think the part of Christmas that I hate the most is the sadness that I try to smile through every year. This comes directly from my mother.

She is still not speaking to me, which for this length of time, has been odd, but she typically exhibits this behavior towards me at every holiday. I don't want to participate in a holiday with her because of the way she acts. What do you buy for someone who is miserable. They don't bottle happiness. Then when you do get them something that you think they'll really like, they don't appreciate it. You can never please her. I can't please her with the way I live my life, I don't think a $50 Christmas gift is going to do the trick either.

Christmas Eve is when the awkwardness begins. It has been the same every year, except last year, because the entire family was sick and we actually couldn't do Christmas. I was the only one not sick because I didn't live at home. But it is on the evening that my mother sits and complains about how unsuccessful and screwed up all three of her children are, in an effort to fluff off some responsibility and take the focus off of how miserable she has actually become as a human being. My dad chimes in every once an a while to defend his children and my uncle often times turns the table on her crazy unrealistic expectations of her adult timeline. My sister and her boyfriend sit in on the adult conversations and sip their wine to feel more adult and intune with their kind. My sister is trying to force him off on the family because she is certain that he is going to propose soon. My brother awkwardly avoids most contact and conversations about his personal life as much as possible as well. He stays quiet, doesn't offer up an opinion and in this way he is smart about his tactic because somehow every year he manages to stay out of the line of fire.

Typically I stay with my cousins who are around my age, my other cousin who drinks like a fish and thus draws all attention to how he can open multiple beer cans at the same time, and chug them (what can I say we are a talented family), and then if I hear my mother speaking about me, I will make an attempt to defend myself and then usually I leave and meet up with people whom of which actually want to spend time with me on Christmas.

I haven't yet decided if I want to torture myself yet this year. I may not participate in Christmas. My mother wouldn't care either way. She would not understand that my lack of participation is due to her manipulation of the mind and making me feel horrible about myself. I'll keep you updated on my decision as Christmas nears.

Insomnia: My worst enemy

I have so many thoughts and ideas dancing around in my head that I am finding a hard time sleeping at night. Even in my sleep my mind is racing and I am dreaming about my life. I think it is my subconsciousness trying to give me answers that I seek and simply cannot seem to find. A few months back, when a friend told me that in six months my life would be more different than I ever expected, she wasn't lying. Here it has only been two months and I never expected I would be where I am at this moment.

My life continues to be busy and here I am trying to find more things to fill my life with. I am on this kick of doing things that I want to do which I am very proud of. I am slowly crossing things off of my to-do list. Such as today I made Carrie go rock climbing with me which was a great experience. I am thankful to have such a good friend who will come and try crazy things with me. My mother continues to not speak to me, which I have come to terms with. It is what it is and I am not going to go above and beyond to fix something when I am not the one with the problem. Perhaps I am being stubborn or difficult but I cannot handle the negativity right now in my life. I am trying to eliminate all negativity from my life in the first place.

I started dating this really great guy as well. It's ironic because we have been friends for years. Like seven years, us dating just sort of happened. I'm nervous because if it doesn't work out I don't want it to ruin a friendship, or multiple friendships since we are friends with a lot of the same people but I'm excited because at the same time it's the friendship that we share that is making it so great to be with him. We are taking things REALLY slow, which is nice because I've really only been single for four months. I'm not ready to be anybody's girlfriend quite yet. I'm still working really hard to accomplish a lot of things on my personal to do list, one day at a time.

Operation lose the clapper

I am overwhelmed and my life is yet again slightly out of balance (I believe this to be so because I actually dreamt I was in a yoga class and could not balance; if that's not a literal meaning I don't know what is). However, as I was running on the treadmill today, listening to music, I realized that the reason my life is out of balance is because I simply have too many goals to accomplish and this is unrealistic. As usual I am trying to do everything RIGHT NOW, I want it RIGHT NOW and I am setting unrealistic goals with unreasonable deadlines to get them done. I think this is because I feel as if I have reached my quarter life crisis, along with my mother not speaking to me it is causing me to focus on unimportant issues. So I have decided to set mini goals along with long term goals. I am so focused on long term goals that I am tripping over myself. Today is already Wednesday and I have to go out of town this weekend for work, along with having a multitude of private lessons and choreography sessions to pack in this week, my week is pretty much shot. But I set some mini-goals for the next four days and then decided tomorrow is a new week.

Crazy Week Short Term Goals:

Pay Tuition, Doctor Bill #2, Go through boxes in garage, Study for final #2 and Workout two more times this week, write two chapters in book.

I have decided that mini goals are stepping stones to my long term goals. Writing my book is on my list of things i want to accomplish and if I set aside time to write chapters I will eventually complete it (It is almost done;) and paying off my doctors bill is a big goal because I really want to pay off my credit card so I can get out of the devil's lair. And working out is part of operation lose the clapper! (My ass). So baby steps. I guess you have to crawl before you walk and I'm simply trying to run before I'm even able to crawl.

Well somehow I managed to fit things into my schedule today. I have to leave for work and I need to eat some lunch before I go because FOR REAL this time, I am giving up sugar. I am borderline diabetic, eating a ton of it because my theory is, I work out, I'm a size 6, who cares, but really it's causing my body to go hay wire and I wonder why my weight is fluctuating, my medicine isn't working and my skin is breaking out constantly. So no more sugar for me! For the second time.