However, I seem to be lost in my thoughts today of contemplation, about love and the distance we are willing to allow our hearts to experience for the mere potential of it to develop. "The Roofer," whom despite the distance and the odds against a developing relationship, I still remain completely enamored of and willing to try and make it work, but I lost a little bit of that hope on Sunday when he informed me that he was moving to Dayton for good. Not necessarily the exact words, more of "I have to be out of my house this weekend." It was a bit of a knife to the heart as at least before he had ties here other than to just me. He had the house and the office, a gym membership and a favorite restaurant. But now, it will just be me. A three hour drive to come to a city he doesn't particularly like to see a girl that in total he has probably spent a week's worth of time with in person because the betterment of our two month courtship has spent away from each other discussing life over text messages.
Why I am questioning this I am not sure. He makes me happy, and I am happy. Do I wish I could see him more? of course. Does the distance between us simply suck donkey dick? Definitely! But at the same time my life is no different than before when I was single doing it on my own. I am doing the same thing with a wonderful distraction every two weeks.
I am reading the book committed by Elizabeth Gilbert at the moment. I just happened to pick it up at the library and realized that this woman and I are truly kindled spirits. Her first book depicts her life through three countries. A journey to find herself and her way. Something I long to do, I just don't have book advance money to do it. Now her second book is figuring out the institution of marriage, something I am not even sure if I believe in either. She truly is after my own heart here. She brings up such wonder euphemisms and ideas, which at the moment makes me think even more about my situation. She too, being distanced from her boyfriend, explains it perfectly of how it feels to reunite after time away from each other.
"It was also psychologically jarring. With each reunion, Felipe and I had to learn each other all over again There was always that nervous moment at the airport when I would stand there waiting for him to arrive, wondering. Will I still know him? Will he still know me?"
This is exactly how it feels when I see "The Roofer" again. We get to spend these amazing days together, developing a bigger bond than before and then off he goes again for at least another two weeks. It is like always taking 10 steps forward and 7 steps back. We are not going to be getting anywhere at a record pace anytime soon. Or perhaps maybe one day I will get to tell my children how mommy and daddy fell in love via text messages and witty banter over facebook messages. After all 1 in 5 relationships develop online these days. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and embrace it for what it is. A journey. No matter how fast or slow, it is a journey with a specific destination that I might never reach and I should embrace the personal growth no less if I am to ever find a more interesting path to take.
This is our story, one that will hold vital importance to my emotional well being as all women's stories do about how they met their spouse. Like a character from a novel it always unfolds with the same plot. First meeting on some unexpected and unexplainable emotional life journey. Then always involving some form of suspense, drama, an ironic event. Surely it will contain doubt as mine does right now and then always one of two endings will occur. Either ending in salvation of how he was the best thing to ever happen to me or ending recriminating second guesses about how I should have known better. I just hope I can still have a happy ending because I am not looking to be saved, I am looking for solidarity and to me there is a big difference between the two.
