Back from Houston

My trip to the Olympic Training Center was amazing. It was great weather (70 and sunny), a little cold at night though, especially when you are given only one sheet and one blanket to sleep with on bunk beds.

My gymnast did great and I got to meet Bela and Marta Karolyi (I dream of mine since I was little). I also got to work side by side with National Team coaches like Tom Forster, Tammy Biggs, Niel Resnick and Valeri Liukin. It was an amazing experience and I am so blessed to have been offered such a fantastic opportunity.

My roommates were so much fun to hang out with which made the experience even better and I am finally taking steps forward in my career of Elite training.

I couldn't have asked for a better trip. Pictures to come soon.

On another note, I am going to begin a new blog today called "The Bitter Bridesmaid" a diet and exercise blog to better track my progress and post recipes to. That way it's not all mixed up in my personal blog and I am not blog savvy enough to learn how to separate it. Perhaps one day. I'll add it to my list of things to do.

Amazing Day...

My perfect day...wake up early to a hot cup of green tea...go to my TGM hot leverage class...come home and clean while listening to the sultry voice of Adam Levine...write and drink a cinnamon coffee...and then go to "work" which isn't work when you love what you do! I have such a blessed life!

I made the most amazing Chocolate Banana whole wheat flax seed pancakes after my workout today...can you say unbelievable!!! They are just as much a mouthful to eat as say, super healthy and so delicious!

Now I am just packing and gearing up for Houston. I am so excited! Not only have I not taken a trip in forever, but I have dreamed for so long about going to the Olympic Training Center and it is finally happening. Six months ago when I was contemplating applying for this job (actually a year ago was when I first saw it listed and just couldn't leave my then job mid-season), I never in a million years believed I would get the opportunities I have been offered so soon. Visits to the OTC, trips to the fiesta bowl and an Olympic Hopeful for 2016!!! Sometimes when I sit back an acknowledge all of the opportunities I have been given I am so blessed. It makes all of those missed chances and what ifs slip away. I truly feel that at this very moment, this is where I am supposed to be. Will this be so forever? Perhaps not. But for right now I am confident that I am finally doing something right.

We all fall off the wagon sometimes...

I went shopping...and at half a chocolate cake that I baked at 10 o'clock last night. Think I'll at least go for a run after work tonight to try and compensate. Ah tomorrow is another day...and I get to go home tomorrow!!! I'm so excited! Going out with friends tomorrow night for our annual thanksgiving eve get together and then spending all day Thursday with family and my mom doing our "projects" and then shopping on Friday before I head back to Columbus...Cannot wait!!!

What I have been up to as of late

It seems that I live at my place of employment with moments of life in between. Because of this I have been spending a lot of sleepless nights on the Internet buying things for the home and thinking of new things to try. Like... Seaweed chips. Yes look at all that green. I'm obsessed with edamame as it is, and try to drink green tea more than coffee. I meant to go to whole foods just to pick up coconut sugar and instead mistakingly came home with organic coconut. No worries though, I made a delicious breakfast with it...

Honey Oat energy balls

1 c dry oats
1 c coconut
1/4 c of flaxseed, honey and natural peanut butter

Mix and roll into balls...soooo good!

Last night, exhausted and opting to stay in I glitterfied fake fruit...and recycled some canvas from my old apartment and painted my favorite Shakespeare quote

Tonight I am trying to use up my groceries in preparation for my thanksgiving trip home and then to Houston. So excited to visit home I made an old fashioned American meal that reminded me of dinners at home...good ole BBQ chicken with garlic red skin potatoes and organic green beans. No recipe, just good home cooking, aren't you proud mom?

Bills are paid, apartment is livable. Tomorrow I am off to try a new workout. A mix of dance, yoga and Pilates done in a steam room (120 degrees) with concrete floors, in the dark, just some string lights and candles and loud club music! I'm so excited!!!

Then it's off to order my bridesmaid dress! Can't believe this wedding is approaching so fast!

Guess its been a pretty full week! I also discovered a new, old bookstore this week. An old church filled of new and used books. We're talking first edition classics with beautiful transcriptions! I literally spent over two hours in there the other day and was almost late for work. I cannot wait to have a library!

Well off to do some Zumba. I might be a little late catching on to the craze but I am addicted!

I'll let you know how the workout goes tomorrow!

Mmmm delicious casserole

I must admit, I use recipes as guidelines and typically don't follow them to a tee. This dish included. How to make it...

1/2 box rigatoni (I prefer whole wheat but couldn't find it so I actually used white, ugh)
1/2 white onion
1 can Italian style diced tomatoes
1/2 bag frozen spinach thawed
1 chicken breast cubed and pre cooked
Salt/pepper/olive oil to taste

Mix all ingredients in a bowl, pour into casserole dish, cover with 1 c mozzarella cheese and bake for 30 mins at 375 degrees!

The original recipe called for cream cheese (8oz garlic and herb). I'm sure it would taste extra yummy but I am watching my dairy intake so I only sprinkle about 1/2 c of cheese on top and opted not to use the cream cheese. I also halved the recipe because it's just me and as you can see I'll have left overs for a few days!

Some days I am wonder woman

Maybe it was the rain and the recent chilly weather, but yesterday I found myself a little under the weather and didn't do much of anything. I even ate carbs! A bowl of popcorn (I know crazy)! But a cup of green tea and a bowl of popcorn always make me feel better. But today, today I feel amazing and accomplished.

Today I...

-Cleaned my entire apartment

-Did my arm workout

-Laid in bed for an hour and answered emails, blogged, etc.

-Painted the $1 store picture frames I picked up for my shelf wall in the living room. Might take more time but I picked up four frames (2, 11x8, and 2, 8x10), and used white paint I had to redo them. How can you beat four frames for approximately $8 (with cost of paint), I saved well over $50!

-I made a delicious spinach, chicken pasta bake and have lunch cooked for tomorrow

-And now I am going to go get ready and go to work, paint my nails and later go for a run!

What a productive day! And way too "adult like" for me! Tomorrow, to the gym and something fun before work!

Excited for the weekend even though it's crazy busy. But the best part about it is that in 2 weeks I will be enjoying Thanksgiving with friends and family! Cannot wait to go home!

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years (Official Music Video)

I cannot wait for this movie to come out. I watched all three movies within two days, vowing I would probably never like them nor be a fan and yet, I was hooked. And this song is beautiful...

No that is not a shamrock shake...

It's my post workout protein packed delicious spinach shake.

Sounds gross I know, but it really isn't that bad and it is amazing for you! Here's what's in it...

Approx 1 c flat leaf spinach
1 cup vanilla Greek yogurt (I use Oikos)
1 banana
1/2 c vanilla almond milk (more if needed to blend smoother)
1 tbs flaxseed (ground)

Blend and enjoy! Don't add any extra sugar, you get plenty of natural sugar with the banana!

Don't want to work...

Or do much of anything today which is apparent by the state of my kitchen. I do however have to work and will have to clean my kitchen at some point today. Fat to Fit journey starts tomorrow (technically Saturday), but I am going to start my workouts tomorrow. Due to the fact that the trainer will be posting more of a meal and stretch plan for the first month I have designed my own workout for the next month because I am anxious to start seeing more rapid results. I will follow his meals and was excited to find that I have most of the groceries he will be buying for the next week and don't need to pick up a lot at the store. Considering the fact that I already eat pretty healthy, I want to focus on the workouts and he said he is starting his journey in reverse...food first with simple workouts and then moving to the more difficult. So here is my workout plan for the next two weeks. The weight is what I start at and I increase it accordingly once I begin the workout. Sometimes it's too heavy, sometimes too light, but by week two I do the same reps but up the weight by at least 10lbs to continuously challenge the muscles. I change my weight workout every two weeks slightly also to keep the muscles challenged because two weeks is when you plateau on the same workout. I change my cardio by adding different interval work and always do it at the end of the workout because I am trying to burn fat not looking to train for distance running. Well off to work I go...after over ten hours of coaching yesterday I am just burnt out for the week and ready for the weekend and Texas!

Month 1 Workout:

First 2 weeks:

Legs: Friday, Monday, Wednesday

Leg Press 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 2 x 15 @ 90lbs

Lunge walks 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15 10lbs

Single Leg Lunges 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15 no weight

Stability Ball Hamstring Curls 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15

30 min Jog at light speed

Arms: Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday

Chest Fly on bench 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15 @10lbs

Tricep Pull Downs 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15 @30lbs

Deltoid Pull Downs 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15 @ 30lbs

Bicep Curls 3 x 10, 3 x 12, 3 x 15 @10 lbs

20 min Interval Run and abs

Saturday: Day off hot yoga class

Guess sometimes you start at the top

As I previously posted, I'm about to embark on a fitness quest. I have always started a workout and after seeing small results and feeling better about myself I quickly lose interest and let myself get right back to where I started. However this time there is a lot to get fit and healthy for. First off, I am in two wedding next year. My best friend's and my sister's. My best friend's bridesmaid dress is yellow and I refuse to look like a school bus walking down the aisle. My sister's is a beautiful blue and on the beach and I want to be able to take the size 10 dress I ordered into a size 4 (don't worry Kate I will GLADLY pay for the alterations as well)! So before I begin my quest, I need to find a gym. My small apartment fitness center consisting of two treadmills, two old elipticals and an "over 100 exercises" machine is not going to cut it. So I googled the other day and found a gym within running distance of my apartment. It's that close. And it's close to my work as well so there is no excuse not to go. Little did I know what gym I would be walking into.

I talked to a friend of mine who is an amateur physique competitor and I told her what gym I was planning on joining and her reaction has me more intimidated than everything. Apparently my gym houses one of the top fitness professionals in the world. If you want to compete in the fitness industry you go to this gym. She prepared me for girls and guys walking around in bikinis posing and flexing with their fake tans and muscles all over the place. For a girl who wants to get where they are and has long milestones to get there, this can be a bit overwhelming. After thinking about it, I decided I am going to do it anyway. Hoping it will be beyond motivating.

So wish me luck as I go and stand in front of a mirror with one of the top trainers in the world, in a bikini as he pinches and pokes and tells me exactly how far I am from reaching this goal and hopefully pinches me into the wake up call I needed to finally change my life.

I can remember before the diagnosis when I could fit into size 4 jeans and how amazing it felt not to change outfits ten times to find a pair of jeans that don't make your rolls hang over. Or how great it felt to put on a bikini and not be self conscious. How amazing it felt to have people tell you how great you look and ask what you have been doing. It feels better than any piece of cake or chocolate tastes. The feeling of leaving the gym and not knowing if you were going to be able to walk down the stairs because you have pushed your muscles to the limits and the how incredible it is to have them start to respond to your pushing. There was a point in my life when I felt this way. When I didn't need to take medication and when I didn't feel like I was constantly being judged for the amount of weight I keep putting on, taking off and putting on. It's time to take control.

All about accountability

So as we all know, it's a lot easier to succeed at something if we are Wong held accountable for it and so even though I dread this post I'm going to do it. The before picture. This is before starting my diet and exercise program for the next six months.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with insulin resistance. This was after three years of constant weight fluctuations, 103 at my lowest and now 160 at my highest. I went on medication for it but the weight will not come off despite efforts. Though I have to be honest and say that I have not been consistent with my plan. I start a fitness plan and then quit when I feel better. Start a healthy diet and then eat a piece of cake and forget about it. Well not this time. I will not let diabetes stop me from having the body I want. Not this time. Join my fat to fit journey!

http://www.fit2fat2fit.com/#purpose

I came across this guys website the other day and what he is doing is incredible. For one year he decided to go from fit to fat to fit again. He is a personal trainer who wanted to better understand and relate to what his overweight clients go through. The best part of this is that he is completely documenting his experience. He is going to be listing his grocery lists, his workout regimen, and the best part is, he is modifying everything for you to be able to do it at home and follow along on his fat to fit journey.

How many excuses do you make on being healthy? It's too expensive, I don't go to a gym, it takes too much time, yada yada yada. Well this guys is not going to be shopping at whole foods and realistically shopping healthy costs the same as shopping unhealthy. For example, boxes DiGiorno pizza costs almost $10. I make a cauliflower pizza (yes the crust is made of fresh cauliflower and you couldn't tell the difference), and it costs me about $5.00 to make two pizzas filled with veggies and turkey pepperoni.

You claim a gym membership costs to much money, well lucky for you, you can do all the same workouts at home. Do you have a chair? Tricep Dips. Do you have a floor? Push ups. Hand weights are cheap. A medicine ball is cheap and so is a stability ball and bands. Pick some up, it's all you will need for resistance training.

Can't afford a personal trainer? Well lucky for you, this guys is providing you a free service. Describing EXACTLY what he is doing to get back to being in shape.

I'm like the rest of America, though I do eat really healthy and try not to eat out much because I actually love to cook. But I always say that I would be a lot more motivated if someone would do things for me. I don't have the time to plan everything out in my life, my meals, my workout and so now that I found someone who is just going to tell me what to do, I definitely plan on following along. I will let you know in six months how it went.

And we all know that motivation is the key to success so I found ways to motivate myself. I wrote out a list of things that I will get for myself when I reach my goals.

1. If I take my vitamins for 30 days in a row, I will buy myself a new pair of Uggs!

2. If I lose 5 lbs (the equivalent of feeling divine and fabulous in my current size 6 jeans), I will buy myself the Louis Vuitton I have had my eye on for months

3. If I work out 60 days in a row (yoga on rest days because it is not healthy for the body not to rest), I will buy myself the Ipad.

4. If I lose 20lbs (which I need too), and can fit back in my favorite Dolce Gabanna jeans, then I will buy myself the black lace tricot dress from American Apparel that I have been wanting for a year and didn't feel sexy enough to wear. The cheapest present and by far the most significant and motivational of all. I will wear this dress on new years! Mark my words!

What I did this morning...

Yes be jealous...because this is how I spent my glorious cold morning...

I had cinnamon coffee in bed...and I watched scary movies on AMC until late afternoon. Oh and I ate this delicious lemon cake for lunch. It's the easiest recipe and for those of you who follow weight watchers (I do not, but I got this recipe from my mom who does), the entire cake is only 19 points! So yes, If you truly just wanted to eat cake for the entire day you technically could by WW standards. Here is the recipe...

1 box of lemon cake mix

20 oz of Diet 7 up

Cool Whip (I use sugar free)

Mix the 7 up and the cake mix and pour into pan. Bake at 350 for about 30 minutes (if it's a 13 x 9) pan. Let cool and top with cool whip and Voila! And yes, I did continue to eat the cake in bed...I know, be insanely jealous that this is how I spend my mornings off.

I'm sorry for neglecting you

I can't say I have truly been that busy. I just have been girl crushing on so many other blogs that I have neglected my own. However, I vow to pay more attention to you from now on...promise. Especially now that you have a blogger app.

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is officially my birthday. Typically I hate birthdays. This birthday I am going to be alone, a year older and I am finally okay with it! Yes, I am actually embracing getting older! If you remember my last years birthday, I was completely indifferent to it. I felt that life had become stagnant and I was going nowhere and I wanted to do anything but turn 25. I am one of those people that doesn't count on the new year beginning on New Years Eve. I count the new year beginning on my birthday. And I have never been excited for a new year to begin. I honestly feel that this is MY year. A year of greatness.

Things I've learned this past year:

1. It's alright to stay in on a Saturday night and wake up refreshed on a Sunday morning with a glorious cup of coffee

2. My body will not always look like my mind believes it does, and visa versa. Be comfortable in your skin and beauty from the inside will resonate with you.

3. You can eat cookies for breakfast sometimes

4. Not everyone is going to like you or be nice to you, but you can choose to ignore it and surround yourself with amazing people who love you for who you are

5. There is truly no place like home, Dorothy was really onto something there

6. Who needs a boyfriend when you can become your own perfect relationship? Do things for yourself that you wish others would do (like take out the trash and carry 10 bags of groceries up in one trip), you'll feel empowered and never fight with yourself because the only expectations you set are for yourself.

7. Put yourself out there. Play. Be silly and never underestimate how great it feels to make a difference in the lives of others.

Today I am going to workout and clean my apartment so that I don't have to do anything tomorrow except shop online at the local coffee shop and visit a bookstore before work. It's my birthday, I can do what I want!

This makes waiting for "the one" worthwhile

http://vimeo.com/12562270

Perfect Sunday

It was the perfect relaxing Sunday. After working about 12 hours yesterday I went home and went straight to bed and didn't wake up until 9:30 this morning. After having breakfast in bed and not getting out of it until around 1pm, I baked this delicious sugar free dark chocolate banana cookies. I then spent the rest of the day perusing my favorite bookstore and walking through beautiful german village. I came home, cooked a delicious chicken couscous and edamame (my absolute favorite)! Did my Jillian Michaels workout (Day 9), and am now enjoying an episode of my favorite show, Drop Dead Diva. What a fantastic day.

Four short days of work this week and then off to Indianapolis for the weekend for a work seminar.

Happy Friday!

My best friend is planning a birthday party for me...bless her heart. I have never been thrown a birthday party (with the exception of when I was in grade school and we would have a sleepover and dance to Janet Jackson all night). So needless to say I am very excited to go home and spend my birthday with friends and see family.

Typically I always buy myself something expensive for my birthday. One year Coach sunglasses, the following a new coach bag, then Dior sunglasses last year. This year, I unfortunately do not have the money to buy myself something so pricey and unnecessary so instead I am going to finish my living room. That is my DIY gift to myself...Buy my long white bookshelf and decorate it with my new painting, and the start of this Coralie Bickford, F. Scott Fitzgerald collection. You can find these on Amazon, though not all are available yet so I am going to start with my favorite, The Great Gatsby.

It was Day 8 of the 30 Day shred today (yes I took a few days off when I went home this weekend for the Brown's game), but I'm picking up right where I left off and continuing to workout everyday and try and eat super healthy (what 3 banana walnut dark chocolate muffins for breakfast is healthy right)?

I went shopping today and controlled my urge to buy anything. Not buying a piece of clothing until the 30 day shred is done, bills are paid off and I start wearing the things in my closet that still have the tags on them!

I vow to be fit and feel fabulous for my 26th birthday party this year! Stop searching for love and let it find me and just be the amazing person that I know I am!

Who says you can't go home...

Spending the entire morning in bed doing absolutely nothing feels amazing. I'm actually starting to not feel guilty about spending time on myself. In reality, I have nothing but time these days thanks to my new job which is stress-free and provides me with time to be selfish.

I went home this past weekend for one last hoorah with friends at the Brown's home opener. It was a great weekend, but made me realize I am not 21 anymore and spending the weekend floating between locations and crashing on couches is a way to spend the weekends occasionally but I'm glad to be in a place in my life where that is not the typical weekend. I'm actually enjoying spending quiet weekends at home with a glass of wine. Getting rest, reading and being boring. I am definitely at a cross road in life. A point where I am embracing settling down.

Going home definitely makes me feel home sick. I looked forward to these past two weekends and now that they are over and I don't know when I will get to go home again, it makes me sad. I'm realizing how alone I am here. Don't get me wrong, I love the city, I love my job, but it's just me. I have a handful of friends, no boyfriend, no family and going home makes me miss home. I miss being able to run over to my parents whenever I have a free day or being able to see friends, calling them up anytime I need a night out or just to vent over a bottle of wine at the local wine bar. I guess that is what happens when you grow up and realize you are on your own. Your happiness is up to you and you alone. It will be a whirlwind the next couple of weekends, with a trip planned next weekend to Indianapolis for work with a handful of co-workers, then a few free weekends and then home for a competition. October will be here before I know it and I will get to visit home again soon!

Until then, I suppose I should embrace the free time of relaxation that I have...and try and find a few hobbies.

Parachute - Under Control

Can't hold back what's deep in my soul...

Hungry Heart (original)

I <3 this song

Vow to myself

Day four of the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...I vow to continue this everyday for 30 days

I vow NOT to shop for clothes for the next 30 days

I vow to swear off sweets for the next 30 days

I vow to feel great about myself on my 26th birthday!

I can do this! (I'm really going to need to get a hobby).

Friends with Benefits

I came home from work last night and all I wasn't tired at all. That's what I get for taking a nap at 1:30 in the afternoon. So I decided to watch a movie and chose friends with benefits with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. I am not a movie buff and I hadn't seen it yet but wanted to. It was adorable. Not only has Mila's beauty come a long way since her days on that 70's show, but I found myself swooning for Justin Timberlake the entire film. I have never been a fan. Sure I can recite all the songs from N'SYNC and I loved him on SNL, but I have never obsessed over him. You will after you see this film. Despite the cliche ending, it was funny and realistic if all those situations could end in a flash mob and love confession. Definitely a must see!

Approaching 26!

Last year I was not at all excited about turning 25. I felt that I should have been a lot farther at that moment then where I actually was. This year I vow to be different. It will be different. As I approach the tender age of 26, I am getting closer to late twenties, out of the early twenties, but still technically mid twenties. I am okay with this.

Last August I posted this post...

http://shellbell22.blogspot.com/2010_08_01_archive.html

It was a list of goals for the year. I like to look back a year later and see if I accomplished anything on that list and I found that I have in fact complete some of those big goals.

Last year I finally bought my first brand new car. Lord knows I needed it, even if I didn't want it. But it turned out to be a great decision, after a few dealership setbacks. I did complete quite a few more things off my life list which included getting my passport, helping my mom with a garage sale (sort of), running a 5k, kissing a complete stranger (long story, funny, not at all inappropriate like one would think) and calling off work for no reason other than I wanted to.

Even though I did not travel to Bali, I will hopefully get the opportunity to travel to numerous places this year, which will include, Houston, London, Bahamas and Arizona. So I am excited.

I did not have a state championship team this year, but I did have a few state champions and I have taken a job with a team with a long line of state championship titles and I am hoping that this will be the year that I will be apart of that. That job also led me to my new fantastic apartment that I love more than anything (which I should for the price), and I have been more organized in my life than I have ever been. Not once have I had to wonder where something was placed and that is an amazing feet for me. I am working everyday in a job I love, in a new city and I have so much time on my hands I am organized, stress free and it's radiating. So even though I did not lose 20lbs, I am hoping that with time to work out everyday and being in a stress free environment, and having time to actually cook that it will eventually come.

So new goals for a new year...

1. Update and find my style

2. Take more pictures, of everything. Life and time is too short and memories are fleeting. I need to document my life more.

3. FINISH MY DEGREE (or a degree), find out what I love and truly want to do when I grow up.

4. Have a beautifully decorated apartment

5. Do something every month that I have never done

6. Read more. Read the classics, the bible, everything I can.

7. Remain connected with family and friends. Relationships are so important and they take work, work at them.

Perhaps more later. But for now I think these are realistic.

Enjoying doing nothing

Today is the first day of fall schedule at my job. Even though I will be working 6 days a week, I still have so much time on my hands it's wonderful. Life isn't always like this so I am going to enjoy having nothing to do while it lasts. I have literally laid around all day and done nothing but dream of the designer clothes I will never afford and the decorations for my apartment that I will one day get to put it all together. I am trying not to spend money as I have bills due and just moving to a new place always makes it hard to start over financially.

So I am going to continue relaxing until I work my six hours today! I'm going to embrace boredom! The house is clean, and things are fabulous!

Let it be

I have never felt more at home or like life has finally placed me on the right path. I suppose this is what it feels like when you finally figure things out, at least for the time being. Life has always had this way of diverting me off my original path of origin and I have always been so lost and not sure how to find myself back on track. Then again, I suppose that is how I got to where I am at this point, feeling so confident and reassured.

It's hard to explain how I knew that this was the right decision for me. I had contemplated making this move for almost a year (first learning of the position in December). I came home from Columbus one weekend and just thought to myself that it was time. Time for a change and time to make a new life. And less than a month later I find myself broke, it a beautiful new apartment, in a new city with a new job that I enjoy more than anything that will provide me the opportunity to travel and learn from some of the greatest coaches in the industry.

I spent my weekend by touring the city with a new guy on Friday. Though his height is a shortcoming, it is getting to be the only thing that I don't like about him and so he's growing on me. Sorry for the puns, I can't resist. But he's smart and cultured and owns his own business and house and he's completely into me. From the first date he calls and texts and pursues me constantly which is great. Am I ready to put all my eggs in one basket? Of course not. But where my dating life has been anything but successful in Cleveland, it seems to be overly opposite down here.

Last night I went to a bbq hosted by one of the coaches at work. It was refreshing. Everyone there gets along so well and is so welcoming and everyone knows each other outside of working together. They take trips together and know each other's husbands and children and I'm happy to be a part of that. To be a part of something bigger than just going to the office and going home. Afterwards I met my friend Burke out downtown for a few drinks and had a moment of irony.

The night before I found myself on a street whose name was the same as the last name of the "roofer." The street was ironically named after his great great grandfather. I chose to ignore the irony of this at the time but then last night, I look across the bar and there is his business partner and friend whom Ann dated. Even in Columbus these strange things happen. Yet I typically would find myself wondering if this had a deeper meaning behind it, and instead I simply looked at it is pure irony. A sense of humor. I laughed and took it as a final goodbye. Moving on! Letting it be.

I apologize for constantly being in a state of optimism and happiness! But life couldn't be better at the moment!

New Pinterest account

I realize that this is not a new concept. However, it is an amazing one that I plan on getting everyone I know who loves online viewing to try. Here is my new Pinterest account...a personal board to everything you want to save that you find online. What a great concept !

http://pinterest.com/shellezstar22/

Life is good

Well I have almost been in my place, officially for one full week. I am spending a quiet Friday evening at home with a glass of wine and a good movie, the internet and planning on doing some writing. Tomorrow it is time to tackle the boxes and hopefully lay out by the pool and relax if the rain holds off. So far I am loving my life here. The gym is great, the apartment is amazing. The city itself is amazing. I haven't even been through an entire tank of gas yet since everything is within 10 miles of my apartment. I went out on a date on Wednesday. He was surprisingly very attractive. I am once again turning towards online dating in hopes of meeting some new people down here. Even though the future is completely undetermined, I feel like this is where I was supposed to be. It is this calming feeling that I have yet to experience in my life. I have a job that is going to provide me with more opportunities than I could of hoped for, including a trip to the bahamas this winter. I finally feel like I can start a real life here. Build new friendships, maybe a relationship, a career, finish school. The possibilities at this point seem endless and I feel like I am officially getting myself out of the ruts I have always buried myself so deeply in. Life is good!

How adorable

I wish I could have a dog...because I want one and if I could have one, this is what I would get...he looks like my dog back home but miniature!

What's for Dinner?

Grilled Zucchini Pizza! This is what I am attempting to make for dinner tonight. If I ever make it to the grocery store today!

How cool!

I don't know where I could possibly incorporate this into my place, but I think this is the coolest ever! Chalkboard paint! I want!

What I have to keep telling myself as the bills keep rolling in!

a little unpacking break

I need to take a break from the endless amount of clothes I am desperately trying to find space for. Even with a walk in closet, two dressers, a washer and dryer closet (that I am now using for clothes), and a coat closet, I still do not have space for everything I own. Time to get rid of a few things I think.

Anyway, I am officially in Columbus in my new wonderful apartment that is too expensive. Of course I am so excited to decorate it and make it super cute and adult like. So I have been perusing the internet in my "free" time and finding things I love and want want want! Like this chair for my desk that will go perfect with my bedroom set!

Only $169.99 from Target!!! Not going to race out and buy it just yet. First is the kitchen, dining and living room. I've never had space to have a kitchen and this is what I am going to do with it.

Green! (To the left there). I'm going to get the flowers for the counter and the glass containers to put kitchen things in lol. I decided that on the side wall I will put my small wine rack and small paintings. Then above the dining room table I am going to hang six white asymmetrical frames. I think it will look adorable! Never have I been so excited to decorate.

Now if only there was more green in my wallet to match my kitchen!

The Post Party Girl Project

I've had a lot of BIG changes occurring in my life over the course of the last two and a half weeks. Not only was I not delusional, because the roofer and I called it quits (a rant in and of itself so don't get me started), but I am also moving to Columbus to take a job. I finally had enough of my boss's insane control freak of a husband and took the plunge and applied to one of the top gyms in the region and the best in the state. Lo and behold, I got the job. Without sounding too arrogant, I knew I would, which is why I had put off applying for so long. For some reason I just wasn't ready to pick my life up and move, and for whatever reason, about a month ago I was. Even though the roofer gave me a bit of a kick in the pants, his location had nothing to do with it. Yes, it would have been nice because we would have been closer but that is neither here nor there now.

As nervous as I am, I am beyond excited to start a new life. Because that is what this is. Yes I have been out on my own for over a year, but I am in Lakewood. Forty five minutes from my parents, fifteen from most friends and I have never NOT had anything to do because I didn't know someone. Even though I won't be far, I will now be two hours away. There will be no just getting in the car to come home for the day or friends just happening to be in the area and stopping by. So for me this is a small stone to a bigger one in the pond of growing up in life.

Thus the post party girl project I am about to embark on. It comes as no surprise that as of late I have been this carefree party girl. I leave the house on a wimb, leave high heels scattered, leftover taco bell on the counter for three days and my life is always chaotic and in shambles. I wonder why I feel so scattered and why I can't find a husband. I long to be a more sophisticated adult and I figured now will be the perfect time to do it.

So part one of the project: Cute adult apartment. I am getting rid of the clutter and everything will be organized properly and have a place. Then the decorating will begin. And since I am broke, I will explore thrift shops and T.J MAXX.

Part two: Update wardrobe: And how do I do this cost effectively? LOSE 20 lbs. I have all these adorable classic pencil skirts and button downs and dress pants that I would love to wear on a regular basis to look more sophisticated but I need to lose about ten pounds to feel comfortable and 20 to feel sexy in them. So DIET! I am actually going to attempt to COOK. Yes, me cook right lol. But I am.

I am going to be a cooking cleaning dieting, working out, organized MACHINE!!! And I'm going to be fit and I'm going to use my free time to take care of myself, to write (maybe I will FINALLY finish editing by book)! And maybe eventually that great guy that I have been searching for will finally come into my life. Because the great thing about starting over is having the ability to start again and finally let go of the things in your life that have been weighing you down that you didn't even know. Like ties with exes, or best friends that keep dragging you out on Tuesday nights.

I don't want to anticipate or overly expect things to be amazing when I could very well hate it. But I have a good feeling about this. Like I am getting a push from someone to make this move. And for some reason I feel like it will be amazing.

New adventures

Ok, I think I need to officially check myself before I wreck myself...because it turns out that the dear "roofer" was simply having phone trouble which is why I have not really heard from him for a few days. He called tonight. Making me feel like a complete idiot for jumping to conclusions, listening to sad 80's music and thinking I had done something. Love literally makes you crazy I suppose.

I am about to embark on a new phase in life and I have a multitude of mixed emotions that I am dealing with at the moment. I am heading to Columbus for the next fews days to work at one of thee best gyms in the region. I am praying that they offer me a job and if they do I am about to leave the solitude of neighbors who party loudly til 3am, a schizophrenic neighbor and the glares of the "gayto" neighbors. But I am truly excited. I am excited to be in a new city, to meet new people, to get away from my insane bosses. As much as I will miss my family and friends, I feel in my heart that this is the next best thing for my life at the moment. Wish me luck. I will literally "keep you posted."

Thoughts

Sometimes I should not be allowed to have access to Merlot, music by Roxette and my contacts list. This is one of those nights. A night that after this weekend I am second guessing everything. If this fight is worth while, if nothing is what it seems. If you actual listen to the hidden messages within the words that you truly hear. When you realize that maybe all along he is telling you all you need to know but you are so lost in the moment that you choose to ignore it. That you think maybe just once the romance will happen to you, you will be the exception to the rule. In reality you are just not actually listen to him try to push you away and you look like the fool for staying, for thinking you are capable of making things work when you are three hours apart when in reality you are just a beautiful distraction of the moment. You are just someone who makes it convenient, that makes him believe in possibilities and not understand the chaos that he was getting into.

It is clear that I am just a "friend" with possibility. An option, not a priority and if I would have just listened then I would have realized it from the moment that we first met. That I was an unexpected surprise and that I do not fit into the five year plan that is filled with "I's" and not "we's", that this word does not even enter into his vocabulary. All the words swirling through my head, "don't believe in marriage," "won't get lost in love" " don't know where I'll be." The signs are there and once again the realization of them have finally hit and I am again second guessing, running, forgetting, giving up...

A quote I saw tonight that hit home.

"I need to come to realize that he is just a guy, a special one, maybe, but he is not mine. I don't need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to, he just would."

or this one...

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the biggest fool of all? The girl who could not stop crying? Or the one who never stopped trying."

Committed or Complicated?

If blogger would have an app like tumblr, I would post a lot more. As of late the technology that gets the better part of my attention is my iPhone and so I do not tend to update my life a lot as of late.

However, I seem to be lost in my thoughts today of contemplation, about love and the distance we are willing to allow our hearts to experience for the mere potential of it to develop. "The Roofer," whom despite the distance and the odds against a developing relationship, I still remain completely enamored of and willing to try and make it work, but I lost a little bit of that hope on Sunday when he informed me that he was moving to Dayton for good. Not necessarily the exact words, more of "I have to be out of my house this weekend." It was a bit of a knife to the heart as at least before he had ties here other than to just me. He had the house and the office, a gym membership and a favorite restaurant. But now, it will just be me. A three hour drive to come to a city he doesn't particularly like to see a girl that in total he has probably spent a week's worth of time with in person because the betterment of our two month courtship has spent away from each other discussing life over text messages.

Why I am questioning this I am not sure. He makes me happy, and I am happy. Do I wish I could see him more? of course. Does the distance between us simply suck donkey dick? Definitely! But at the same time my life is no different than before when I was single doing it on my own. I am doing the same thing with a wonderful distraction every two weeks.

I am reading the book committed by Elizabeth Gilbert at the moment. I just happened to pick it up at the library and realized that this woman and I are truly kindled spirits. Her first book depicts her life through three countries. A journey to find herself and her way. Something I long to do, I just don't have book advance money to do it. Now her second book is figuring out the institution of marriage, something I am not even sure if I believe in either. She truly is after my own heart here. She brings up such wonder euphemisms and ideas, which at the moment makes me think even more about my situation. She too, being distanced from her boyfriend, explains it perfectly of how it feels to reunite after time away from each other.

"It was also psychologically jarring. With each reunion, Felipe and I had to learn each other all over again There was always that nervous moment at the airport when I would stand there waiting for him to arrive, wondering. Will I still know him? Will he still know me?"

This is exactly how it feels when I see "The Roofer" again. We get to spend these amazing days together, developing a bigger bond than before and then off he goes again for at least another two weeks. It is like always taking 10 steps forward and 7 steps back. We are not going to be getting anywhere at a record pace anytime soon. Or perhaps maybe one day I will get to tell my children how mommy and daddy fell in love via text messages and witty banter over facebook messages. After all 1 in 5 relationships develop online these days. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and embrace it for what it is. A journey. No matter how fast or slow, it is a journey with a specific destination that I might never reach and I should embrace the personal growth no less if I am to ever find a more interesting path to take.

This is our story, one that will hold vital importance to my emotional well being as all women's stories do about how they met their spouse. Like a character from a novel it always unfolds with the same plot. First meeting on some unexpected and unexplainable emotional life journey. Then always involving some form of suspense, drama, an ironic event. Surely it will contain doubt as mine does right now and then always one of two endings will occur. Either ending in salvation of how he was the best thing to ever happen to me or ending recriminating second guesses about how I should have known better. I just hope I can still have a happy ending because I am not looking to be saved, I am looking for solidarity and to me there is a big difference between the two.

Look At Me Now - Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne, Busta Rhymes (Cover by @Karm...

This girl is AH mazing

Jerrod Niemann - What Do You Want

Love this song by the devilishly handsome Judge Jerrod.

What's your number?

Ok, not funny Hollywood. Who's been secretly following me around and then wrote a screenplay about my disaster of a dating life? Huh?

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/fox/whatsyournumber/

As much as I love Anna Farris, she looks nothing like me.

Maybe I'm getting it right this time??

So I have been dating a new guy. Who's pretty cool. He has initials for a first name, and a goatee and shit. Basically he is sarcastic and intelligent and has me finally thinking about the term "relationship" again. Not that I'm jumping the gun on this one, it's just casual dating when your intentions are for it to go nowhere is completely different than dating someone that you actually like and can see it possibly going somewhere, you're just not sure where yet. You start to do things that the "two of you" do. You start to create memories and inside jokes that only the two of you will understand. Things that you will look back on and laugh about in ten years. Doing things that you will say "that is so us," "that's what we do." He's funny and he makes me feel good when I'm with him. And the three hour distance between us makes it better in my opinion. It doesn't allow me to be needy. Even though I want to see him, he is three hours away for work which is completely understandable so I cannot beg or pout about him not being here because he simply cannot be. It allows us both to keep our independence but throughly enjoy our time together because we know it's short lived until next time. And I love how we always leave knowing there will be a next time.

Change

I realize as you age, things change. Your hair turns silver. You begin to see wrinkles in places that you never knew could wrinkle, like your knees. The seasons become shorter and the lessons longer.

I am a person who doesn't like change unless I am prepared for it. Ready for the reality of the situation to reveal itself. Life does not work like this, nor does it wait until you are prepared to handle it. They say that God never gives you anything that you cannot handle. Well lately I think he is too trusting of me.

It has been a month of changes. I suppose that is why I haven't blogged about anything. I have been sitting back and watching situations unfold before I have been prepared for them and I am trying hard to face situations from all angles. To view all sides. To be unbiased and try and remain calm in the face of adversity. All that seems to lead me to is irrational behavior and bitch fits, neither of which suit me very well.

Crazy Resumes

http://www.someecards.com/2011/04/18/completely-insane-resume-that-may-actually-be-better-than-yours

Hahaha this cracked me up! Sometimes I wish I had the audacity to do something like this. My favorite quote that I will now use more frequently to get my point across..."They'll be all up on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn star made of aphetamines" hahaha classic

Complicated

Let me start out by saying this blog may actually surprise you before you go jumping to conclusions. Yes, it only took a month. Of course he text me and of course knew exactly what to say. I love you, i miss you, can I see you? I'm ready. Let's do this, a relationship, me and you. What may actually surprise you, which surprised myself was my response, which was NO! Told him to leave me alone yet again and went on with my day.

Ok maybe that is not entirely true. Though I did tell him no, i can't lie and say that I didn't for a second want to desperately believe him and jump back into his arms. Isn't that partly what we always hope for when we are letting go of something that we never really wanted to? Maybe it is just me. But for some reason he remains to be to me what an addiction is to an addict. Perhaps I am in recovery but that doesn't mean that I don't think about the cravings.

Nonetheless, the song in the previous post seemed to sum up our relationship and I thought that I would just post it.

Rihanna - Complicated (Lyrics)

Baby Love

Spent my afternoon with this cutie pa-tootie

Inspiration

I love this...a girl can dream right? A little wedding inspiration since I will be spending my evening helping to plan one!

At everythingfab.com

Picky

Maybe the only man a girl needs in her life is her daddy!

What a stressful day

It was such a stressful day today. Maybe because it began so peacefully. Woke up at home without an alarm clock, to the rain beating on the windows. Thunder pounding and daily light barely creeping in through the cracks in the blinds. I did some meditative yoga and then made my way into work.

Then I realized it's simply time to move on and find a new job. I need to find a place to live because my lease is up and they won't let me go month to month and I DO NOT want to stay here another year and on top of that, there was a terrible misunderstanding at work with the very company that I am desperately trying to get a job working for.

But then I found this website...

http://www.thingstobehappyabout.com/

and life seemed to get a little bit better. Plus I got to have a great conversation with my sister and finally catch up with her a bit...

2 weeks

Well I finally submitted by book for my critique. Literally just took me close to a year to finally get the balls to get it moving in the right direction. But I decided, what am I waiting for and what is the worst that could happen? It never gets bought? I want to completely change it? The pros outweighed the cons and I had to just go for it finally! So I will get the response in about 2 weeks.

The L word

I am addicted to this show; even if it is about lesbians. Something about the drama of it. I am such a fan. It's on Netflix and I highly recommend checking it out if you are bored one night. You won't be able to stop watching!

Smoke Rings

Dear Camel Crushes,

I had a glass of wine tonight and it just was not the same without you. I miss your habit. I miss how you calm me when I am over anxious, upset, or excited. I miss how we used to share a cup of warm cinnamon coffee, long drives in the car, and our love for fine wine. I'm sure we will run into each other every now and again. Like a bad romance that you sometimes cannot tear yourself away from when you are face to face. But I finally had to aknowledge the horrible things you were doing to my life. And soon I will learn how to get on with my daily routine without you. One day you will be a small afterthought and not such a torment at my soul, exercising every bit of will power I have. I just wanted to say I am happy to have quit you, but I miss you at the moment,

Sincerely,

A week long non-smoker

A walk in the rain

Since I am totally bummed because I have been advised that I should not workout until I can at least walk up the stairs without wheezing, I am going to do something for myself today on this gloomy rainy day. Something I have wanted to do for over a year since I have lived here. I am going to go and get my library card!!! I figured that was one way to save money. Instead of going to bum around the bookstore and buy a bunch of books I will just go old school and check them out at the library. Besides I absolutely love the library. I love the smell of it, I love the texture of the books. It's something that will make me happy on this rainy day!

Tick Tock

This clock cracks me up! Need this, er, well ok, if I'm always late anyway I guess I don't need it, I just want it.

And speaking of...

Cinderella was by far my favorite of all the Disney fairy tales (ok Little Mermaid definitely tied), but I saw this charm bracelet online and maybe I am summoning the little child in me. Maybe it is because I am still looking for Prince Charming. Maybe it's my LOVE for shoes! But I absolutely LOVE this charm bracelet and must find it!

Yay for goals!

I am going to attempt to paint this, this weekend. New project, that's just what I need to feel better at the moment!

Taste the Rainbow!

Ummm I'm making these this weekend! New project for the left over vodka I have at the house that I will never drink by itself! And it should be perfect for Ann's birthday party too! Here's a website with directions!

http://mixthatdrink.com/skittles-vodka-tutorial/

Nike Marketing

I love this by Nike!

I think I love this so much because this ad sums up what is my ass, and why I am so proud of being white, not a hip hop artist

Life is just a cup of cake!

I have been feeling a little down in the dumps lately, which surprisingly has nothing to do with boys, any boy, let a lone a particular boy. I am feeling a little down on life as of late. Being sick for the last four days and also working what seems like slave driven hours (maybe I am just not cut out for a 40hour week). I take that back, I think I could survive a nine to five, it's trying to survive a 12pm-9pm job, plus go to school that makes it seems impossible. Thankfully Easter is coming up soon and I am saving big projects for that week when I am working an actual 9-5.

So because I have been down in the dumps lately I decided to post a few things of inspiration to myself today. I need to keep remembering to tell myself to keep calm and have a cupcake.

I am finally free

I realized that there will never be a perfect moment to say goodbye. There will always be things that you wish that you could have said. There will always be a small amount of hope that it won't be forever and a small amount of knowing that isn't for good. But there comes a point when you need to make decisions based upon rationale and not upon fairytales. When you cannot simply wish upon the stars in the sky. You need to trust that your head is in the right place even when your heart is not. There will always be those distinct moments that stick out in your mind that you will think back on and smile, but they are simply memories, made for a reason. Maybe because there are meant to be more, but just not with whom you think at the moment.

I said what I had been longing to say for so long. I finally mustered the courage and the strength to be true to myself and to my needs even though it is not how I wanted things to turn out. I wanted you to change. But life is not a fairy tale, you are not prince charming and I wear sneakers in the place of glass slippers. I finally said to your face goodbye and to your soul to let me go.

So tonight I will sleep on your side of the bed and take comfort in the emptiness and know that I did this for the good of my clarity and the good of my life. If I am superwoman, you will always be my kryptonite and I will always miss you even though people cannot understand why. Maybe we were never meant to either. You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I am grateful for the memories, but more grateful for the wonderful opportunities that I just created for my life!

Kelly Clarkson - Addicted

Perfect lyrics for previous said post

Help Me

I need to blog this out for a minute:

You show up at my door at 4 am because I have done nothing but blow you off for two weeks because that was my plan. To say goodbye. A plan that I concocted alone without your permission and a mission that you were not going to allow without your consent. You said everything I needed to hear. That I am amazing and gorgeous and you are not deserving. That it will never work because I am superwoman and you are kryptonite but for some reason you cannot leave. You are drawn to me and me to you. A force that neither of us can recognize, one that neither of us will submit entirely too. I know you are wrong, bad, not the one for me. Because if you were Mr. Right, I would not be out searching for him, hoping for him, praying for him, and losing faith that he does not exist. Coming up with reasons why fate has drawn us together, why fate never keeps us apart for long and contemplating why you are in my life. I go through stages of anger, hurt, denial, fear, love, longing, lust. I wait for those moments when you wear your heart on your sleeve and you give me a drip, a taste, of how you feel. Enough to leave me satisfied but still yearning for more. Still fighting for your love, your desire. I fight with my emotions, my sanity, my clarity. I argue with my subconscious. He is wrong, he is bad, but you love him, you want him, you need him, he needs you. I know that this is not how love is supposed to feel but maybe this is exactly what love is. Not materialistic but animalistic. It is a force that pulls you together when nothing else does. A feeling, a notion, an inclination a fate that is so strong that it is the only thing that binds. Maybe it is settling, but maybe settling is never feeling the strong connection that we share. Every time I try and walk away I cannot move. Like stone, my feet are frozen. I gain the strength to walk past you, through you and yet I still feel you there. The strongest presence that has ever existed in my life. I cannot rid myself of you and for that there must be a reason. Please someone tell me why this reason is. Without judgement, without harassment, without persecution. Help me to understand, help me to reason and help me find the strength to either forgive and wait or to let him go

Kris Allen - Apologize [Studio]

I have always loved this song. the one republic version, not so much the Timbaland edit. But this is by far my favorite re-make thus far!

Change

Lots of thoughts swirling through my head. I will look back on this post and remember this decision, this moment of clarity and realization. Nothing happened, we had a fantastic day, as we always do when it is time to let go. Because that is how one should let go, in an amazing way. In a way that warms your heart and not in a way that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. I am not even going to say goodbye, because I don't need to so I am just going to write it as I would say it and then disappear.

My Goodbye

I may not know love, but I know that falling in love does not hurt, and so that is not what this is. In fact, you typically have me falling to pieces. And so I can't take another step towards you because I know that all that is waiting is regret. For what I know will never come and I have to stop holding on to the delusion that one day it will. So if this is giving up, then I am giving up. Because if you knew better, then maybe you would do better. But I cannot allow myself another moment of wasted time for you to figure that out. You cannot love me if you do not love yourself, and that is something that you have to find on your own, without me there to guide you. I learned this lesson months ago and I should have said this months ago, but for some reason I didn't. I needed to know that you chose me, that you would always come back and for that I was selfish but for that I am satisfied and now I am ready. Ready to let you go and ready for so much more. I cannot be your happiness. I cannot be your anything. I just need to be me, and for someone that will be enough, it just won't be you.

Clink

Here's a toast for all you men, who think we will love you again and again! But tonight you found, we'll stand our ground, and screw your best friend instead!

*Hypothetically speaking, it just rhymed, don't go jumping to conclusions!

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

Obsessing over this song right now...especially given my current love situation that I am constantly in an internal debate over at the moment.

Depression? Or am I just not that cool anymore?

I'm not sure when it hit me today. Perhaps it was around noon. I had already spent three hours dictating to children, running on about four hours of sleep from the night before and that is when I realized I was probably going to trade my Louboutins for my linens on a Saturday night. So I came home from work and I went to bed.

On one hand it feels amazing. I had many options of things to do tonight and I chose to stay home and do nothing so that I could have a productive Superbowl Sunday and a productive start to my week. However, I can't help but wonder if this is the epitome of getting old.

Timer

I'm going a little bit stir crazy tonight. Whether it is because of the "storm of the century" making it seem impossible to do anything but stay in, or the fact that I am sick and have literally had three glasses on non decaffeinated green tea, either way, crazy I tell you. Besides, why waste time tomorrow when I can waste perfectly good time right now.

Typically when I am at this stage of insomnia and boredom, I would call someone, or smoke a cigarette, or do both at the same time. But this terrible chest pain and sore throat has me wanting to do neither and neither is what I have done for two days. The nicotine withdraw is killing me. But I said I was going to quit anyway to train for this marathon so I suppose now is as good of time as any. Besides I think it is killing me more that I cannot work out.

So I am a sucker for Independent romantic movies and I watched one tonight called Timer. It was about a company who found a way for you to be implanted with a timer that would tell you the exact day and time that you met the person you were supposed to be with. This all depended on whether or not your future husband/wife also had an implant, and if for whatever reason they did not, your time would not have gone off yet and you would be wandering around aimlessly wondering everyday if your soul mate that you knew was still out there was ever going to get a damn timer! It was a cute, made you wonder, kind of film. Perfect for a snowy evening, sick and alone with green tea and insomnia. Which got me thinking...would you get a timer? If you had the ability to know the exact day and time of the meeting between you and the person you would spend your life with, would you want to? Could you live with a blank timer on your wrist, just wondering if the day would ever come when your soulmate would want to know if you were out there as well? I had to think about this for a minute. I have wasted my fair share of time with the wrong men. But in retrospect, was it really all that bad? All that wasted time? Was it really even "wasted." I have met a lot of great people along this journey of life. I have had some great experiences and I am young and still hopeful for so many more. So would I really want a timer? Hell yes! I am just that noisy!

I'm going to go and read, do some more shopping online and dream of sea breezes and sandals as spring approaches (hopefully sooner than later)!

Tiffany Dunn - Too Bad I Love You

Totally digging this new artist!

The happy place

Sometimes you do not need to know everything. You don't need to know what path you are heading down, you don't need to keep questioning it or over-analyzing it. You don't need to ask yourself what you are doing. Sometimes you just need to let it unfold. Know that you are in the position you are in for a reason and trust that it is for the right one and have the strength to walk away if it is not.

I believe there is a actual quote to my own version in this similar statement; that he who is without foreseen knowledge is happy. We all know those people. Those that deal with problems as they arise, pay bills when they call to say they are late and simply enjoy day to day living without thinking about tomorrow because they know it is not guaranteed and should just enjoy the moment.

Sometimes we should all strive to be this type of person. Happy in the moment and not seek to destroy that happiness with information that we really don't need at that time.

Maybe the "happy place" is the space we create where we focus on nothing but what is occurring right now, in the moment. Slow kisses, soft snowfall or warm sunshine on your face. Why do we constantly worry about the future. When the kisses will be gone, when the snow will turn to blizzards and when the sunshine to snow. Why can't we just enjoy the moment? We should all try and do this today.

Deep in Thought

The question I am pondering tonight:

"Maybe there is no such thing as "fate" or destiny." Maybe we simply see the "signs" we wish to see, and ignore the ones that we don't.

Can you tell that I have spent the day on an emotional roller coaster? Because I have. I don't see my ride coming to end anytime soon. If anything it is only the beginning.

Believe

I was closing the gym last night when I received a phone call that had me feel a variety of emotions within the short three minute phone conversation. It was close to 9:30, and I was exhausted and trying to help one of my co-workers gather up the many items her wonderful daughter scatters throughout her hours spent there, and trying to help another with some office questions. The phone rings and I was reluctant to answer, as I was sure I couldn't be much assistance with computers finally off and if by chance it was an angry parent, catching me after nine and a half hours of work was in noway a good time to have a conversation. But to my surprise it was a 14 year old girl who simply said, "Hi, I would like to be on your team." After gathering some back information, this girl was at another gym involved in an optional program ( a relatively new program for students "too old" by competitive standards, still talented nonetheless and basically still willing to shell out money when it could be better served going towards a college fund). This girl was addemant and I of course had to tell her, that yes, she was too old for our J.O program, but perhaps she could fit into our prep optional program and she should come in to be evaluated.

I realize that this does not seem like a significant conversation, but it was what she said next that really hit a soft spot that I have always had for the over achiever, the underdog and the ambitious.

"I know that I am older, but I have four years until I graduate. I will work so hard. I want to be a college gymnast and compete for either Kent or Ohio state. I know that you need to be at least a level 10, but I really think that I can do it if someone will give me the chance."

Yes, this girl, whom I have never met pulled at my heartstrings because I have heard this time and time before and I know what I will have to say to her on Monday. That realistically this is not going to happen. That less than 3% of gymnasts receive college scholarships and that most would have been near a college level at half her age for an opportunity like this.

Then I began to think about how pathetic that is for me to judge her. Who am I, even as a professional in my business, to tell someone what they cannot achieve in life. Why does age have to be so indicative of what we will accomplish. I have found myself feeling down and out recently because of my 25th birthday. That I have let time pass me by and I have wasted most of it, and that I am becoming too old to accomplish some of the things I long to in life.

Hogwash!!! Senior citizens are climbing Mount Everest, 40 year old mothers of three are reaching amazing fitness goals and becoming world fitness models, the list could go on forever. Who am I to say that with the right mindset and someone to believe in her, this girl could not walk on to one of those gymnastics teams in four years? Why are we so quick to tell others what will be impossible for them to accomplish?

Never limit yourself. Never let someone else tell you what you can and cannot accomplish at any age. Never. Plain and simple.