I want I want; no I need I need!

Oh my gosh! I want this so bad for my apartment! It would be the absolute perfect addition to my teeny tiny bedroom! I want a desk and work station so very badly but couldn't find one that would actually fit in such a small apartment, but this would be perfect. I think I am going to save up money and buy this for myself!

http://www.crateandbarrel.com/furniture/bookcases-cabinets/sloane-grey-leaning-desk-with-2-bookcases/s652469

Quarter Life Crisis birthday goals

He is gone because I told him to leave. I wanted him to be off of my mind. It is funny how all it took was for me to finally put my foot down and tell my heart that we were not going to let him in; that we were not going to let him upset up anymore. Just like that he was gone and I have never felt better about my decision. I need a new list. A new list of things that I want to accomplish in the next year. I have decided that when it comes to dating I have been too proactive. The act of meeting someone and falling in love is an act of faith and of fate. You have to allow yourself to fall and you have to essentially be at the right place at the right time and be in the right moment to allow yourself to meet someone. Looking back; all of my successful relationships and even the ones that were not so successful have occurred in this way; at random; a pure act of fate or coincidence, but either way they were not forced. We met randomly, fell in love and that was that. As of late, it is the forced relationships that are not working out and are leaving me empty handed. The people that friends are setting me up with, the people I have met online. Because that is not how love is supposed to work. It is supposed to be about that random guy who buys you a cup of coffee in the morning at your local starbucks. It is about that moment you share with a friend when the two of you submit to one another and take your relationship to the next level. It is about the phone calls when you least expect it and never will you feel forced nor feel that the relationship is being forced in anyway because you don't have friends are a dating site hoping that it works out when the both of you know that that is not particularly what either of you want.

So I have given up on dating. I have plenty of nice guy friends whom of which I can call up and say, hey let's go to a movie tonight, or let's go dancing etc. So here are my goals for the next year. From this date and I will hopefully look back and realized that I accomplished them. It's the Quarter Life Crisis birthday coming up in two months! Time for me to feel good about my life.

Quarter Life Crisis Goals for the next year:

1. Buy a new car (or gently used will suffice).

2. Complete 5 more things on my "single's list."

3. Travel to Bali

4. Should probably get my passport then to complete #3

5. Lose 20lbs (yes 20!!!) and then run naked through the streets of Cleveland (haha ok not that part but I will do something to embrace being so damn sexy)!

6. Launch my Dear Jose website to solidify a publisher paying top price for that manuscript!

7. Go back to school

8. Write another book

9. Have a State Championship team!

10. Have my dream apartment (like get organized and make it look live-able!)

More for later...even though those are pretty big goals, hopefully I can come up with more than 10 I would like to complete in the next year!

Oh Hump Day!!

It is a Wednesday morning. Hump day. The most depressing day of the week they say. There are still three full work days ahead yet the weekend is lingering ever so close enough for you to almost smell the freedom. I find myself being extra contemplative on Wednesdays. Maybe it's because Monday and Tuesday are typically such a whirlwind that by Wednesday I finally have time to take a breath and reflect on the weekend, on the two work days completed and in the past and I can plan out the remainder of the week.

Today I am contemplating about change. Why are we so resistant to it? To something new? Something different and out of our comfort zone. I woke up at 6:25 before my alarm went off because I dreamt about work. About how to be a more organized person, a go getter. My plan was to wake up that early, shower and head into the college to try and schedule for fall classes. As I am driving, nervously, worried about navigating through downtown on a busy depressing Wednesday, I hear on the radio how backed up traffic is and I suddenly found myself in a panic. Here I am, driving on an unknown path to an unknown location, no money in my pocket for parking and it was the first time I realized that my small town life of the past was about to directly collide with my desire to have a fast paced city lifestyle.

I turned around. I was lost. In a literal sense but also figuratively speaking. I don't think I am ready. Am I ready to leave the comfort of knowing where my car was driving me too each morning, I knew which parking lot provided the easiest access to which building and now I would be leaving that to wonder around a big city alone without help, helpless. I have taken many steps this year that have stretched me far beyond my comfort zone. I moved to a city where I didn't know anyone. I relocated for a job that is not recession proof and as valuable as I am to that company it is a business that could shut it's doors on any day (she has been in business 28 years so I don't see this happening but still). I tried online dating, which though proved to be unsuccessful in finding a soulmate, I tried it. I put myself out there and opened myself up to new experiences.

Funny, as I am sitting in Starbucks, my Starbucks, the one I am comfortable in, the song playing is singing the melody "I don't want to take this trip alone." How iconic. Because that is what I am doing right now; I am left to take these trips alone. Perhaps this is where preparation and life need to come together more harmoniously.

So what is the next step at this point? Hashing it out here I have decided that I am still going to navigate myself into the college this morning; but I am going to do so at my pace and I am going to wait a semester to attend school. Get some affairs in order and feel better about life. Because if there is anything I have learned in my experience it is that when you are rushing to fit stuff into your life that is when you irrationally make mistakes that put you farther behind then if you would have just given yourself more time. Besides, I am in no rush. I am comfortable in my life at the moment. I have a book deal to work out and I have weight to shed and I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I need to catch up on life. On my life. On the things I love and enjoy. I need to keep reminding myself that it is not how long it takes you to arrive to your destination, it is how you enjoyed the road to get there. You are never lost, you are simply taking the scenic route!

Great little Saturday planned...maybe a trip to the home depot!

So minus the fact that I am totally depressed because I have seriously gained 20 pounds in two months time! Yea, not kidding. Something is wrong. Going to the doctor on Thursday for blood work and I am hoping to find a reason for this weight fluctuation. Going up and down from a size 4 to a size 8 is not healthy nor is it good for my fashion sense. Not to mention the fact that I am working out more than I ever have in my life and not seeing even a smidge of a result and only another roll on my rock hard abs underneath all that pudge. It'd be one thing if I didn't eat healthy or spend 8 hours a day on my feet actually working in a gym...but I do and I am so depressed. I should be model thin with as active as I am! Oh well, hopefully nothing is seriously wrong, and hopefully I an feel sexy and firm by my twenty fifth birthday a little over a month a way.

Nonetheless I am enjoying myself a wonderful weekend. I went home after work last night. I made dinner and relaxed. Today I worked a few hours and then I went and go Vespa Spa'd. Actually am really happy with the results too! It's so much better than a mystic. This machine even dries you! And you can breathe in it because it doesn't have doors and the solution runs off quickly so you are not standing in a puddle of bronzer so you're feet don't get all messed up. I'm going to go and dye my own hair back dark. I'm over the blonde. I'm over the dry ends and over the summer feeling. I'm ready for fall, for sweaters and boots and the leaves to change colors. Summer is coming to an end and I feel like I have had a fun summer but my laying out and boating days are behind me for the season and it's time to charge ahead into the feeling of productivity that fall brings. Back to school, back to the work grind and back to being able to sleep with the windows open and save some electricity!

Tonight is the Greek festival and I am going salsa dancing with some friends from work. Free lessons at nine...no cover until ten and FREE SUSHI! I love this city sometimes!

Home!

AH home. My sister is in town for the day because she is headed to the Carolina's so I came back to my parents house tonight to stay over so I could see her for a few hours before she is gone for vacation and then back to Chicago.

Life has been so busy lately and so much has happened in the last week. To break it down the following has occurred.

Friday night...Cristian came to visit me; we had a great night. Makes me wonder why I won't just date him. Oh yea he lives in Cinci

Saturday night...Roverfest. So much drama with the fighter being sick and then me giving away his ticket and then him randomly showing up at my apartment and me being angry because he is always doing things like this to be.

Sunday...birthday party with some kids I used to coach and broke up with fighter

Monday...regretting my decision but nonetheless sticking to it, being in the worst mood ever and working 13 hours

Tuesday...appointment at car dealership where guy helping me out has poster of fighter staring at me the entire time I am talking to him; God has sense of humor

Wednesday...worked 13 more hours; think I'm having a breakdown

Today...ah relaxing. Grocery shopping, shopping, work for a little bit.

Weekend plans...NONE!!! I'm going to chill out; clean my apartment. Go to the art gallery. Do whatever the F I feel like!

So that about sums it up. More thoughts later. I'm too tired right now to think!

So want this!

Really considering ordering this new flip cam. It is waterproof, nearly indistructable and it's on sale. Plus it's our anniversary! And it's purple and cute! I am spent the last year documenting my life with blogging, writing, my digi so maybe now it's time to add video to life! With all this new technology I mean it's hard not to want to jump on the bandwagon!

Happy Anniversary!

I'm so sorry. I have been so wrapped up in my own life that I haven't even had time to think about it let alone talk about it or blog about it!

Happy Anniversary! I did it! Bucket List Item #12, continue my blog for an entire year! Hard to believe that miss terrified of commitment actually stuck to something consistently for an entire year. Makes a lot of goals seem attainable. Like my new P90X goal...90 days I can do it! (Maybe).

Life in the past year has really changed in hindsight. I moved out of my fabulous loft apartment, in with my parents and back out to my own place in Cleveland. MY OWN! No roommate, no boyfriend. Another really big change in my life. I am single single single. Still working at the same company but actually got a raise finally. Wrote a book and am in the process of getting it published. Life sure is different.

Goals for the next year:

Book gets published

Buy a new car!

Finish school (or at least have some idea as to what I want to do with my degree).

Sky Dive for the big quarter life crisis birthday

Lose the ten pounds I put on in the last year :( (the worst thing to happen this year)!

Quit Smoking

Go to Bali!

The friend zone

I didn't think it was even possible. I mean, I have never heard of such a thing. The thought had never even entered my mind until my best friend said those two words to me today. I mean really? Could it be? Could I have been so self absorbed and self centered to overlook the fact that this can actually happen to a female and not just a male? "Friend Zone."

I am afraid I have entered it in the nicest way possible. I have been slipped into this category without just cause. Without explanation and without reasoning. Uh oh well, is the attitude I am taking on this one.

The scenic route

So even though life is insane, I have somehow managed to find time to miraculously get some things done; at work and in my personal life. May not always be what I want to be doing, but it is doing nonetheless. I have found the trick to be constant motion. Having been a procrastinator all of my life, I am actually on top of things. Things that I could put off tomorrow but that I am doing today and it makes it a lot easier to see the destination ahead versus being buried by burden now. Maybe that is the trick to life; to achieving, to just constantly be in motion and allow life to take you down different paths and enjoy the scenic route. After all their are many means to an end. Many roads you can travel. You are never lost, just enjoying the scenic route. Perhaps we should all learn to just enjoy the ride and smell the roses sometime.

Insanity!

Life could not possibly get anymore insane at the moment. I am so tremendously busy with work and life I can hardly find time to breath. I am overwhelmed, even my whelm is whelmed. I have to work on my book; get a critique; schedule for school; fill out the fafsa; pay bills; make sure I have money for bills; workout; work; make posters; post pics; the list just goes on and on and on.

Maybe, just maybe, I have not found love because I am not ready for love. I am firm believer that God does not give you more than you can handle at any one point in time. Well perhaps he knows, now is not the time for me to love. I'm too busy loving myself first!