quickie

Just dropped off cake and now the pie is almost here! Juggling two men at one time proves to be more of a moral dilemma than difficult. Told the banker today that I just wasn't feeling it. His response was that he knew it wasn't going anywhere but it was fun to hang out! WTF! If you knew it wasn't going anywhere than what were we doing? Men our ridicules. Just like cake...who of course I start to have feelings for yet again just to have him bash them down. Men our ridicules...I need some tequila and no more strings on this fiddle!

Just Dance!

Had the most amazing time tonight dancing the night away with two of my gay friends! I'll tell you. There is nothing better for a girls self esteem than to go to a gay bar when you are one of maybe oh zero straight chicks in there. So many compliments, made me feel amazing about myself.

But....then it happened, the googly eyes. I saw it coming from the moment I saw him. It is the look that always keeps me intriqued and coming back for more. And then, there we were standing in the parking lot, him holding both hands on my cheeks, looking intently and seriously into my eyes and as much as I tried to avoid it, I could not keep it from coming out of his mouth. And then it happened. That four letter word that you know he has no intentions of confessing to sober. The four letter word that you are convinced he has no idea behind what the actual meaning is...."Michele...I hate you, because I am so in love with you."

I didn't know what to say. I tried to quickly react with a joke because that is who I am. I use humor to cover up the awkwardness of the situation. Am I in love with him? Am I even capable of love? I guess we will find out in the morning when we wake up next to each other and talk about tonight in present and future tense. I don't see where we can go from here. There is no road left to travel with us. He is incapable of walking down a straight path and I am incapable of excepting less than the narrow way. Stupid Red Bull and Vodka...stupid gay bar!

Lady Gaga - Telephone (Official Explicit Version) ft. Beyoncé

My telephone...uh uh my telephone

Now this is becoming annoying. I hadn't heard from the fighter for almost three full days. To be honest, I really hadn't noticed his lack of communication skills this time. Perhaps it was because I was busy at work or maybe it was because I was distracted by other interests, not sure. But I'm going to leave work last night and lo and behold I had a text from him.

This is what it read..."fml....sorry so busy with hw and fighting sooooo ok it has been three days, how are ya?"

My instant reaction was a mixture of shock and joy...oh [fighter] text me! Then I read it and the eyebrow raised and I was a little confused. Is he recognizing the fact that it is inappropriate to not at all communicate for three days or is he communicated because he realizes this and feels obligated? Neither one are really an acceptable reason to text I suppose. In my eyes, when you're into someone you want to hear from them. It makes your heart skip a beat and creates a warm smile on your face that can't be replaced by even the worst news for at least five minutes. You want to know about their day, how they are doing and what they have been up to (in a curious I want to learn more about your life way, not I want to know you're every step for the last twenty four hours in a creepy stalker way.)

So I responded with a simple It is fine, I have been really busy too how are you, and he answered but then I remembered I have this dinner party to go to on Friday night. It is with four of my best friends. Two of which are the ones that set fighter and I up. My best friend Care Bear's boyfriend used to be his roommate in college. I asked him if he had plans on Friday night and no response. I now know how bad a no response feels and I now feel even worse because this is what I did to the banker on Monday.

The banker and I went out the night I got food poisoning and for some reason I just do not feel any chemistry or a connection. He truly is a fantastic guy but maybe it is his rush for a commitment that scares me. It is obvious his mission now that he has his life and career set, is to find a wife. I am simply not that girl, not now and not anytime soon. So when he repetitively asked me out on Tuesdays. First he called Monday night, but I was at work. Then he called Tuesday morning and I was not quite alone at the time and did not want to answer the phone. Then he text me and asked me if I could do dinner Wednesday, when I said I worked he then asked if I could do something anytime this weekend. It was at this point I just stopped responding. For some reason I was annoyed. With myself more than it was about the situation. I needed to be honest with him and tell him that I was not that into him and he should move on. This is by far the hardest thing to do in dating and this is the part that I absolutely hate doing, because it is always me. I am always the one the isn't "feeling it" somehow, somewhere and I break things off. Still I would hope that he appreciates the honesty.

So this is why I am so frustrated with fighter. In essence, I date like a man. Or at least I have more of a man's mentality when it comes to dating. The more the better, because this means more options. I always have someone on speed dial for those lonely nights, I have a best guy friend when needed for those dates that you cannot find a date too and I don't text, call, a.k.a, blow up their phone on a daily basis. I am chill, I am fun and I am not drama. Which this is why I have come to find that I seem to be every guys dream girl and why every guy that meets me tends to fall in love with me (according to my friend Chris, who explained this to me the other night, and I don't mean to boast, but he thinks I'm the shit! Which is why I love him and he is my friend!) So if I don't text back the banker because I am not interested, then isn't fighter just don't the same thing to me? I understand that you are busy. I am busy too. I balance just as much in a days time. Mind you I am not in school at the moment (much needed summer break to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life), I also am not a professional MMA fighter but somewhere between noon and midnight, I'm sure you can find time to have a two minute conversation even if it is via text message. I mean guys dedicate more time to taking a shit, text me then (just don't let on what you are doing). I know we were all supposed to take the Oprah challenge, but you have a 30 minute drive to and from work, call me then.

Well blogger, I am going to go on a vegetarian diet again. So I need to go plan my weekly meals, slap a little bit of my face on and head out to the grocery store. My weight is a constant issue with me lately and I need to make a change if I want a change to happen and even though I eat healthy I just simply do not eat enough. I'm also going to cut out the coffee so everyone BEWARE, mega bitch is about to come out for a few days while I experience withdraws!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Apparently freedom of speech was not appreciated today. And apparently being honest isn't always the easiest thing to do, not with other people and most definitely not with yourself.

horoscope

Hopping from relationship to relationship isn't the answer for you -- if anything, it might raise more questions than staying single does! What are you seeking, and what do you keep finding? Start there and move on.

~This was my daily singles horoscope today. I know that it really relates to my dating life, I just don't feel like thinking about it now. So instead I wanted to write it down so that I could come back and ponder about it later.

Yin and Yang

So there is truly a yin for every yang in the universe isn't there. Went out tonight and had one girl disgrace me within ear's shot. I believe she was yelling at the guy I was with, out of jealously and said. "I wouldn't even touch that!" Did wonders for my self esteem. However, then we go to another place tonight and I was talking to this one girl and she said that I looked like Eva Longoria. This made me feel a lot better! Now to just have her body!

Life Update

Yes blogger, once again my life is in shambles! Not shambles per say but it is blogs like this that sometimes make me wish for a less crazy life. I can go a weekend without blogging and have so many updates that I need to write them done because my original goal was to do so and look back on my year in rememberence of where I have been. So I need to write about what has happened so that I know.

We took a trip to Kelley's island on Saturday for my cousins graduation from college. First island trip of the summer and it was a great time! It is moments like those, when you are sitting on a boat, in the middle of Lake Erie, cracking open your first adult beverage and feeling free of responsibility that make me love life so much. Sometimes I think that my crazy life allows me to enjoy these moments more when they do occur.

Speaking of moments that I enjoy that do not occur on as much of a regular basis as I wish they would. The fighter asked me out on another date and came out here yesterday. We went to dinner, spent some time walking around the city and then went and saw a foreign film that people were raving about being one of the goriest films of today's time (How romantic I know!) Again, we had a fantastic time together and each and every time I spend with him I truly like him more and more, but when I am not with him there is something oddly missing. Mainly a connection of any sort. For example, I text him today and he did not even respond back. I know I have complained about this is recent posts so I will not continue to complain, but when you like someone, do you not want to exchange conversation? Or at the very least just engage in conversation from time to time to simply keep connected? Is that so odd to do with someone you are "dating?" I think I can call it dating at this point. Perhaps there is another term for what we are doing. So in the meantime, I get bored and that is when my mind wanders and I become distracted and I do stupid things...like tonight for example.

I am on my way home from work and a "friend" texts me and asks if him and his friend can come by to kill sometime before they were going to go out. What prompted me to say ok was beyond me but I do always. They came over, cooked me dinner and I end up going out for a few drinks. Run into his "girlfriend." Me being the ex girlfriend, this situation was quite awkward and humorous all at the same time but nonetheless I wonder why we keep doing this. Why do we both seem to use each other as our anti-dating crutch. Both interested in other people, both potentially in love with each other and both the best of friends with a relationship that people would be envious of. He is my best friend. I tell him everything. He is always there for me in the most ironic way possible. Is it the comfort because I know he will always be there? Possible. But in my heart I know this is the case. I can always call him or text him and he has always come through for me when I have needed him the most. Maybe it's because I don't need for much but in a weird twisted act of fate, we have the most perfect non-relationship a couple could ask for. It's not love. Love would not allow two people to love each other whole heartedly and pursue other people. Would It?

Tidbits of my life

I cancelled a date friday night so that I could stay home and bake these delicious Margarita cupcakes.... Since when has baking cupcakes been more exciting than a date? It's obvious I need to tell this guy that I am just not that into him since I am more into sugary treats! But hey! Who doesn't love cupcakes!?

Give it Up

Ok Michele...it's time to put her life to rest for a day and start living your own now! Geez...I'm obsessed!

What a great day!

blogger, I had the most fantastic day. I woke up this morning. I did an hour long yoga session. I bought the most adorable pair of shoes and I am so excited for them to come in I feel like a kid on Christmas morning waiting to open her presents. Work flew by. I even drove over the shoreway in time to catch the evening sunset over Whiskey Island. Tomorrow is Thursday and I love Thursday! I found new found inspiration and the fighter asked me out on another date. I am so enamored with life at the moment I can hardly contain myself!

These are the adorable pair of shoes I ordered today~

I want your life!

So I re-stumbled across this blog today, this blog about Julia Anderson, a media personality who is literally living the life I wish I was living. And I mean this, literally. She is a writer. She writes about relationships, or did, I can't quite tell if that is what she still does by her blog. Her love for cupcakes, pink, sundresses and high heels completely mimics my passions in life, and on top of that she is a writer. Something I have always wanted to become and for some reason passed up the opportunity to go to a fantastic journalism school for some reason unbenownst to me. She is an inspiration and she doesn't even know it. I found myself submerged in her blog today, in her life. Dreaming of how inamored of my own life I would be if her life were in fact my own. Anyway, she put an exerpt in her blog from the book Eat, Pray, Love. This was a book that I began reading last summer and I have yet to finish it. Probably because I am envious of that author's life as well, but that is besides the point. However, this was the entry and I don't feel so alone in my dating quests anymore:

Let’s be honest - it might be a generous public service for me to leave intimacy alone for a while. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn’t look so good. It’s been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love and continue to fail? Think of it this way—if you’d had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn’t they eventually take your driver’s license away? Wouldn’t you kind of want them to?

I couldn't help but laugh. Hello, Michele's life. This is how I feel sometimes. In fact I felt this way today. I was about ready to just give up dating altogether today. Tell the banker that I am just not that into him, tell the fighter that I felt he just was not into me enough and tell "cake" that I am just not that interested in a sugary treat at this point. Say the hell with all of them and focus on my career, the things I love and tracking down a gorgeous new pair of high heel shoes. That will make me feel better. It always does!

Buggy

For a moment there, I had completely forgotten I even had a blog, to well, blog about. It wasn't until I was reading my book, thinking of how much I'd rather be writing and having so many thoughts swirling in my head that I was like "Oh I have a blog, I should blog."

So I am bored (refer to end of last post). I asked him last Tuesday if he wanted to do something and he said he would have to let me know. Three days goes by and no text, no call, no facebook message, no nothing. Finally I just put my foot down and text him and said, look, if you're not that into me, just tell me! Well not quite in those words of that fashion but basically. He said everything was cool, he's just busy. Now blogger, I hate texting, you know this. But really how long does it take to just shoot someone a text message?!?!?! I am also no dating expert but to me this is a clear indication that he is not interested. So I have lost interest because that is just the type of person I am.

However, then my best friends sees him on Saturday and he asks her if I am mad at him. She explains, "fighter", three days to respond to her. She's not mad, but that is just rude. If you like her, you better step up your game a little bit here, she is not likely to be sticking around.

Hello fighter! What gives? Are you just a dating ignorant? Even more so than myself? Or are you truly just not that into me? An answer would be appreciated so I am not left here to come up with my own conclusions because believe me my conclusions are probably worse than the truth of it! So I have decided to let this go! I love how you called me Saturday, twice and then sent me a random text today, but sorry, I do not want to hear from you again unless it's to ask me out! So adios!

So blogger, I got a terribly case of food poisoning...I have been sick for three days and it's miserable. I know I wanted to do a cleanse to jumpstart my diet, but this was not quite what I had in mind. I'm terribly hungry and cannot eat a thing! I think this was karma's way of punishing me for having me some cake Friday night (wink, wink). Lots bugging me this week, literally.

Wonders...

I have come to realize how bad I am at this stage in relationships. In my everyday life I am the kind of person that wants everything RIGHT NOW! I can rationalize with my head and say that my heart knows this is not the way relationships work and my head with rebuddle with strong arguments for why it should be aggressive but it will still comply with my heart and be patient. Still it remains to be an ongoing argument that I am acting as the mediator in each day. I like this guy and when I am with him I feel like he is interested. We have an amazing chemistry. A friendship that would have anyone envious of and yet still an attraction there that would give it all the potential of turning into a fantastic relationship. Though things are progressing, they are not doing so in ways that I would have thought they would. I don't know if I am being too irrational and don't want to come off as crazy or perhaps I am not being irrational enough and I am sending off the vibe that I am not interested.

The fighter came over last night and we were going to go and see a movie. That didn't happen. Instead he comes over, I ask him to help me fix my window and the next thing we know, it is almost midnight and here we were just laughing until our stomachs hurt and having an amazing time just talking. The time completely flew by without awknowledgement and we both said how great it was to just be able and chill out and have a great conversation, something neither of us get to do very often in the daily grind of our busy schedules. He implied multiple times that we were dating. Saying how there are probably other couples out there on dates in awkward silences with nothing to talk about and here we are having an amazing time, or telling me how one day when I come out to his house or that in a few months from now if we're still dating...point is, he said we were dating, so there is no more confusion on that end. At least he considers what we are doing as dating, which is refreshing because I was starting to question if he was even into me or not.

However, here is what I am confused on. He has yet to call me, unless he was on his way over or had arrived at my house. He doesn't call to talk ever. He rarely even texts. Even though he has agreed every time, I have always been the one to initiate doing something. Why is this? Why can he not pick up the phone and call. Not everyday but maybe just once in a while. It's just bringing up a lot of questions I have about his personality and I wonder if it's something I'm willing to sacrifice if that is just how he is. I want to know about him, how his day was, what his work schedule is like, what his life is like. I thought this was normal when you like someone. Even though he remembers details about things I have told him about myself, doesn't he wonder the same things about me?

Maybe it will get there. It will only be three weeks this week since our first official date, I suppose you could say. I suppose when you put a time frame on it like that, it doesn't seem to fast. I have only hung out with him five times within the last month what more can I expect from this guy? It's only been a month! So I suppose writing this just made me realize I think I am expecting too much too soon. I like this guy, I want to be territorial and claim him as my own. But it is a little too early for that so I will remain to be patient. He just needs to throw me a little bit of a bone here soon or I am going to get bored.

I just want this Monday to be over already!

AHHHHH! What gives? I'm seriously done trying to wrap my mind around the male psyche...I am beginning to think it was meant for us to drive ourselves crazy simply trying to figure it out. I don't get it...I don't pretend to get it...I never will get it. Why can't things ever be simple??

Let me tell you something guys...I always here you complain about how complicated women are to figure out. I am not one of those girls...here is simply what I want in a man...

When you say you will call...call

When you drop something...pick it up

When you make me cry...make me laugh

When you do something wrong...say you're sorry

When we fight...make me smile

When you want to talk...talk

Don't make me bust a cap in your ass!

I have lived a pretty sheltered life...aware from harm that is. I have never been a victim of a crime nor ever really witnessed one for that matter. I grew up in a small town where it was perfectly acceptable and normal not to lock your doors at night and to allow your children the freedom to run yards away from you at the beach or the park. Now here I am, this sheltered, young white, suburban girl living in a big city alone in a neighborhood that I am not familiar with and with people I am also not familiar with. I have always been the type of person to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I believe that everyone is a good person and not capable of inhumane actions.

This morning I was laying on the couch watching a movie and enjoying my morning cup of java crack in a cup (my version of REALLY strong coffee). I hear a really light tap at my door. So light in fact that I had to ask if it was really my door or potentially a louder knock on a neighbors. Mind you, I was not expecting company. My building is also secure, so that only people that can be in the building are those that live here or those invited. I hear another light tap and realize it is in fact my door. Sometimes my next door neighbor will come over and let me know when I park horribly and so I looked out the window to see if perhaps this was all it was about. However, I was parked fine, as was my neighbor. I hear another soft tap and a door knob jiggle and I immediately get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I grab my phone and creep to the door. I look out my peep hole and see two young black men outside my door. Mind you, it would not matter if they were white, yellow or purple for that matter. It was simply the fact that there were two men, two men I did not recognize from the building, and they were standing outside whispering and jiggled my door knob. This feeling rushed from the top of my head to the tip of my toes and back up to settle in my gut. I thought the worst. I am going to get robbed and I have nothing but a cheap dollar store set of knives that hardly cut chicken and a set of 10lb dumbbells to defend myself. I run into my bedroom, push my book case in front of the door and call the police.

The dispatcher, though trying to be helpful probably thought I was crazy. "Did you ask them what they wanted?" "No I didn't want them to know I was home." "Well maybe they have the wrong apartment. Go and ask what they want, I will stay on the phone, I can have a cop there in less than five minutes if something happens." "Lady, I live in a locked building with 10 0ther tenants! I don't think they just want a cup of sugar."

So I go to the door and they are now gone. However, that horrible feeling in my stomach is not gone. So what did I do today. I went home. I figured if I'm going to be robbed they can at least do it without me in the house. While I was at home, I made my dad take me to a shooting range and I got myself a gun. I feel a lot better...and I will feel even more at ease if the cute MMA fighter whom of which I had another date with last night, comes over to protect me with his "guns." Ok I know that was cheesy but have to have a little fun with it.

We went to dinner last night, went and walked around at the beach and the park and then came back here to watch a movie. He did not stay because he had to go home to let out the dogs but there was an awkward good night kiss! Not awkward because it was bad, but awkward in a good way. That first fully lucid, end of the night, do we or don't we moment that lasts seconds before you make a decision to go for it and seconds before you are walking out the door, leaving a feeling that lingers so delicately in the air you do not want to move for fear of ruining it. A chemical firing of hormones and pheromones leaving you wanting more, to see if there is more. That feeling of falling and anticipating the ground below but instead you are in a state of floatation. I have missed this feeling. This is a feeling I have not felt in a long time and it is a feeling that you often times take advantage of. I am lucky to have this blog, because I want to capture this feeling and hold it forever in my memory with my words. Maybe I will feel it again, maybe I won't, maybe it will last forever. One never knows. This is what makes it so valuable. You simply never know.