Ugh I hate this part right here!

All I wanted was for you to see my point of view. You did not apologize this time...which was different. Usually you at least realize you're in the wrong or are at least half way to blame and will say I'm sorry like I want you too, like I do. Not this time. It was all my fault. I was being needy after you're the one who made plans; knowing in advance you already had them. I was being disgraceful because I said my mind; my honesty; even though you knew how it was going to come out of my mouth. You knew how I would react. Was it a test? One that most obviously did not pass. Do you feel more in control because you know how I feel? Because you shouldn't. Honesty is not to be mistaken for weakness.

Brutal honesty

Perhaps it was unconventional, perhaps too immature and not like I had planned it to be in my mind; but I did it. It is amazing how words released onto paper and out of my head can have such a positive effect on me. No matter what the outcome, I finally was able to say my peace. The words drifted from my mind through my keyboard and into his ears. There were no awkward silences, no pauses, no stuttering, no change to recant what I had said for it is forever documented on cyber space.

For the first time; I don't have any inclination as to how he will take this, process this, or what he will do about it. All I know is that I have tried. I said what needed to be said for the sake of my sanity and if things don't go as I would have hoped, I will never have to look back and wonder if things would have been different had I just opened my mouth.

Tears of Joy

I received the sweetest email from a mom yesterday. It seriously brought me to tears. This job can be so stressful and time consuming. You often times definitely put in a lot more of yourself than you ever get out. However, emails like this let me know that I do make a difference. I ran into two gymnasts yesterday that I used to coach. I had them from the time they were 7 until they were 10 and they are now going to be sophmores in high school! They ran right up, gave me the biggest hug and said how I was their favorite coach that they have ever had. I am unfortunately now getting ready to take another child to the doctor since we are away at camp and he needs X-Rays. Sometimes I feel like a mom to these kids, and it makes me realize how much I love children, but how much I love to be able to give them back at this point in my life ;)

Dear Michelle and Sally

I have always felt good about having Hannah at Lakeshore but it wasn't until Sunday night and Monday morning that I felt amazing and realized the level of compassion and caring you have for each gymnast. When you say this is a family you mean it.

Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for caring so much about Hannah. She and I both adore you.

Sincerely

Decisions Decisions!

In a pickle! Iphone 4 or the new Droid X? Switch my service? Or stay with Verizon? I can't decide. All I know is that I am working so hard and syncing and organizing my life to my MacBook and to my phone as of late that I need a phone to keep up with my life. They both seem similar but for some reason my typical irrational, spontaneous self has been calmly rationalizing and thinking all my decisions through too much these days. I suppose I am one extreme or another. Either I don't think at all or I think too much. Or 50% of people think your crazy and the other 50% wonder how you're not crazy!

Organization and Technology Mate!

Obsessed with this website by the way;

www.springpadit.com

Can't wait to either get the Iphone or the Droid so I can have this on my mobile. I can get either anytime, but I don't really want to switch carriers so I don't know what I'm going to do!

Another Life Update

I find it funny how no matter how much life can change around you, sometimes you find yourself back in the same places. I am of course back at camp Woodward this week. It was a trip I delayed admitting I had to take. Last years experience wasn't all I had imagined it would be, but so far I have to say I am really enjoying my time here. My roommate is really nice and fun. The girls enjoy my company. I spend lazy days laying by the pool, doing fun activities during the day and then the evenings in the gym working out with the girls on the trampolines that bounce you so high it almost makes me afraid of heights. Today we are going to do a ropes course, something on the bucket list. Tomorrow we are horseback riding, another item on my bucket list. Somewhere during my relaxation I need to find time to work on my book and I'm going to continue to work on getting something done that I heard was enjoyable, but I often times don't get to partake; sleep.

I do miss the normality of life a little bit. Of course my schedule is thrown askew here. You have to wake up to get breakfast, lunch and dinner at particular times of the day. I miss going to my spin class ( a weeks worth of money just tossed down the drain). But I am spending absolutely no money while I'm here which is nice. Lounging for a week also makes you go mad when you think about all of the things in life you need to get done and are not able to do because you are not home.

Ah the Love Life;

I of course would have to update you on this! I mean it has almost been a week since my last post and of course a lot of things have happened. 1. I went out on a date with this volleyball player on Thursday. I just met him after work for a few drinks by my house. He seemed really nice but there wasn't much of a connection. It was as if we were old friends just hanging out, talking like we've known each other for years. And even though that is nice to have in a relationship, there has to be some spark. I have not heard from him and so I am assuming that he sensed the lack of sparks as well. I realize that this is part of qualms of online dating. You have an opportunity to meet so many men and even though you exchange witty banter via email, that does not substitute for chemistry. At least when you meet someone in person, you know that the instant attraction is there or you would not have approached him, online dating is not like that. People can look different in from their profile picture, you could like or dislike their mannerisms, you might not like the sound of their voice.

2. The shrink actually called me on Friday, he has been texting me everyday and last night asked me out on another date. It's funny how these things happen when you a.) stop going crazy wondering if he'll want to see you again, b.) When both him and I are either out of town or going out of town. He asked me out for last Saturday but I had to decline because of the fight (The second time I've cancelled on this guy due to the fighter by the way)! I had to promptly leave town Sunday, and he leaves town Thursday for Florida. So I won't get to see him until next weekend at best.

3. Now the big conundrum! Like I stated in my last post, or one of them, I decided to go to the fight on Saturday. He wanted me there and I felt emotionally invested due to the fact that I let go of an amazing guy because of his training schedule. So I nervously went. And when I say nervous, I mean nervous. My stomach was doing flip flops, I couldn't eat. I just wanted to get it over with. If he was to win, then in my heart I knew that I did the right thing. If he lost, what was it worth? So I walk into the arena and my heart is pitter pattering and I am behind Chad and Bree as we make our way through the crowd and up to the stage area. I see him. He is talking to a group of people, his head turns and he sees me; he smiles; he leaves the crowd, I'm thinking he is going to say hi to Chad, then Bree and I'll patiently await my turn to say Good Luck. He bypasses them both and grabs me and gives me the biggest hug. He thanks me for coming, says how much he misses me, kisses my cheek tugs at my hand and I melted. We talk for a few minutes and now I think I am more nervous.

He of course won his fight without even a scratch. At the end of the fight, drenched shirt and all, there was another exchange of a hug, a few stolen kisses and a victory. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him again. When the fight was over, we waited for him to shower and change and we were going to go out on the strip for a little bit with him. However, it was getting late, we had over an hour drive home and I had a long day of working and driving ahead of me. As we walk back towards the car, fighter walked us back, and he reached down and took my hand as we walked.

Ok I know this whole story makes me sound like a giddy freshman again, but you have to understand that I have been spending the last few days in a drag out fight of my own between my heart and my head. There was no denying the chemistry there, the feelings, emotions, longing. I felt it, he felt it, everyone saw it. My heart aches for this guy. I had true genuine and honest feelings for him, but I did the one thing I said I didn't want to do and that was allow him to get to me and I obviously did. Because I miss him and want to be with him and this is what my heart is saying. It says, who cares if you fall, that is the fun part. Let your guard down, just tell him how you feel. Who cares if he doesn't feel the same way, you tried, you were honest. But then my head is here saying, what happens for the next fight? He doesn't have enough time for you. This is his dream you can't interfere. You deserve someone who can give you more, more time, energy, affection. But I think I'm in "wuv." We're hanging out on Saturday when I get back and i'm sure these topics and more are going to come up for discussion. But when I'm with him, I don't want to think about it, talk about it. I just want to "be" with him.

It's raining MEN!

When it rains, it pours...men! At least this seems to be pretty indicative of my life lately. My jedi-mind trick, MANuel advice must have worked on someone, because lo and behold the wonderment that filled my day.

First [fighter] text me as asked me out for next weekend. I felt an instant smile spreading across my face. Which was quickly erased with "the thinker." Why now? Because his fight will be over? Because now he'll have more time? Now he wants to start something after almost a month of being apart? I just feel like too many questions are going to come up on that "first" second date. I mean we've already had the us talk, we already were dating, are we dating again? And what happens the next time he has a fight? This is what he wants to do, it's his first love, his passion. I know there will be a next one and probably three months down the road. I would never ask him to give that up for me so what happens to us the next time around? Maybe I am getting too far ahead of myself and maybe he just misses my company and the friendship we created. I mean if you're dating someone and not sleeping with them, honestly the only think developing is a friendship.

Not five minutes after this, I get a text from [shrink] wishing me a wonderful day. "Hello! I don't want you to wish me a wonderful day, I want you to call me and ask about my day!" This was more annoying than endearing, and I more a feeling of accomplishment than lust. I'm going to follow the steadfast (and stupid rule until I say it applies) rule here. Tomorrow is Wednesday. If he doesn't ask me out by tomorrow, I'm going to gracefully decline if he does so at all this week! Men need to learn. Maybe I should write a Womanuel...a book for all men to learn about the secrets of woman. Maybe put to rest the idea that we're crazy and make them think for a change that they're all really just idiots and that's why we act crazy. I mean I always thought men were simple creatures, and this guy managed to write a book about their simplicity. Reading it, I employ the same expression as a confused puppy with my head tilted to the side. If he can stretch 200 pages to simply say; dress slutty, don't gain wait and give us lots of blow jobs; I can certainly manage to write a book about women.

Maybe serial dating is my life's calling. Maybe I was meant to write about my dating disasters, woes and uncertainties for all of the world to find their soul mates! I mean after all, the only part that matters in a fairytale is the ending!

Redecorating from the outside in

I need to do something with this apartment. I need money to do something with this apartment. But I need to create a more peaceful living space. I know they say build it up slowly, but I am not that type of person. I want it all down now. So I'm going to start the process of designing one room at a time and I think I will start with my sanctuary of a bedroom. That is what is the greatest disaster. The smallest room imaginable (not like anything else about this apartment is big). And then maybe I can ebay things I like so I can keep costs down. I want to do my bedroom in black and pink. I love pink, I love black and I love them even more together so It makes sense.

On an unrelated topic I have decided to attend [fighters] fight on Saturday. Even though I am not thrilled about this decision because it will be hard to see him. I heard that he wants me there and so I am going to go. I am giving up the islands for his fight, but I guess those are the things you do for someone you did and still care about.

[Shrink]. Hmmm can't figure him out. Either he plays the game just as hard or harder, he's just a jerk who is beginning to let his true colors show, or he is trying to get me to write him off so he doesn't look like a jerk, I can't quite tell. All I know is I did not like his "tru dat" and "yo" responses in a conversation last night. I mean c'mon, who does that? My guy friends don't even talk to me like that because they know how much it urks me. So this guy was seriously trying to push my buttons. Whatever, he thinks I'm going to write him off, I'll just wait a few days and text him something just because. I have no intentions of seeing him at this point, but I can play the game. He thinks I will just write him off, hmmm, not this girl. I can keep you on your toes too. This is now becoming more like a game of fun tug of war while I can concentrate on other prospects. Jerk!

well more later...time to clean myself up and head to work.

Numero Tres!

Match meeting #3. I have to say I am at least proud of myself for getting out there and actually meeting, in person, some of the people from match. It is a step I truly did not even think I would take upon first signing onto the site. But then I told myself that this was its purpose; for you to actually "MEET" people and I was not going to do that by hiding behind the security of my lap top screen.

I am also proud of myself for not limiting myself after meeting the first guy from the site either. I had a great first date with the "shrink," (even though he is not an actual shrink, we'll call him that because it's easier than typing out psychologist). I had a semi disasterous date with the doctor. I mean, this guy wore Armani to the bar and drove a Mercedes convertible. WAY too flashy for someone who is only a resident. His whole air screamed "I do this a lot and my sole purpose of the evening is the pour tequila down your throat to make it easier for you to make out with me." Needless to say, number deleted.

I had a great second date with the shrink, but perhaps having him meet my friends, the parents and spend over 24 hours with me was not a proper second date of choice. I have not heard from him since Thursday and I refuse to call, text, or contact him in anyway. I left it at, call me if you have time, and that is how I am going to leave it. I know that he was moving into his new apartment and let's face it, men are not the best multi-taskers, but c'mon! No contact for three days screams one of two things to me. Either he's not interested, or he is a juggler. He's good looking so I am sure that being on an online dating site he has the pick of the liter. I mean, I am attractive and I know how many emails I get a day, and guys don't show their desperation for a relationship of any type half as much as girls do. So I've decided if I don't hear from him by Wednesday, I'm just going to let it go. I need to stop analyzing why he hasn't called and focus on guys who are fighting for my attention.

My meeting tonight was sudden. He emailed this morning, we exchanged some conversation and poof it was, how about meeting me for a drink. It was nice that he wasted no time to ask me out on a date. Perhaps this is what the book "The List" was talking about. They say that when you set off a guys alarm, whether it be physically or mentally, he will call within 24 hours of receiving your number and he will ask you out on a date within another 24 hours. Well this guy received my number and asked me out within 12! Ballsy? yes. Cute? yes. And don't worry, I know I read too many self help books! It has become more of a hobby.

Though almost ten years older than myself, I was pleasantly surprised. He could be mistaken for someone of the same age. Tall, clean shaven baby face, blue eyes, and nice smile. More lanky than what I have typically dated but his gentleman charm was just as attractive. Opening the door, slyly paying for the drinks when I was in the restroom so there was not awkward, "let's split it," discussion, walking me to my car door. However, I am interested to see what he does for fun.

He is an attorney. He seems calm and collected in a boyish, in experienced way. Definitely a button up and tie kind of guy. Not quite the assertive fancy dinner party type, but not quite the outdoor, rock concert going type either. Almost too collected in knowing what his goals are in life and ready to start a family and have the white picket fence life than wanting to meet someone to have a few years of fun with. However, great conversation, with a multitude of topics and questions still left to cover, and definitely second date worthy. Who knows, I judge, and perhaps I am judging this one too quickly. Only time will tell.

Well I am going to get ready for bed, settle in with another self help book, and try not to wonder why "shrink" has yet to contact me nor wonder if he will!

Cinnamon induces happiness!

Mmmm...a big comfy leather chair and a cup of cinnamon coffee. Now this is spending time with yourself!

Listen

There I was; pushing hard against the pedals. Watching my legs go up and down to the steady beat of the song, 1...2...3...4...1...2...3...4. I remember this motion. I remember watching the cyclists ride along at this same pace as I would drive past them up a hill. I felt a peace in that moment today in class. A class that I literally raced to get to, waking up a mere twenty minutes before it began. I almost didn't go today. I came up with every excuse; oh you'll be late. You should eat breakfast. You forgot a towel. But instead of making excuses, I just went. I didn't keep thinking about it, I just got in my car and kept driving until my happy size 6 ass was in that saddle and ready to push through a long workout and release the thoughts clouding my mind.

I haven't had much time lately to even clean my apartment, let alone just be with myself and do the things that I want and need to do. My weekends have been filled with dinner parties, dates, trips to the lake. As much as I love summer and I love having things to do, I am faced with too many options and I shut down when I am at a cross road and don't know what to do. In these situations I want to sit and be still; write; read; just listen to what my body, soul and mind, the universe is trying to tell me what to do.

With that being said, I think I am going to take a little time this weekend and do just that. Last night it was a good book and a bottle of wine; today spin/TRX class and now starbucks and tomorrow the art gallery. Despite having loads upon loads of laundry and a dinner party tonight. I am going to relax, enjoy the weekend.

Fathers Know Best...supposedly

Ugh I hate this feeling. Whether it had something to do with my dad's "When you think you're Mr. Right, remember you're Mr. Right now," comment, or the fact that his non response to my text screams, not interested, either way I don't like what my intuition is telling me.

Ugh I could kill my father for that one.

Oh well, if it's meant to be it will be and it's not exactly in my hands now is it?

Contemplation

It's either Mr. Not enough time, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, Mr. Not good enough, Mr. Drama...yada yada yada the list goes on and on. In talking with my best guy friend Kenny tonight about Dolphins, the discovery channel, relationships and life woes, we questioned why it is so hard to find Mr. Right.

I have been single for a year now. A year of great self discovery that I would never exchange for the life I used to live. I have learned so much about myself as a person. About what I want and what I am willing to sacrifice and things that I never will. I enjoy coming home to an empty apartment sometimes and I enjoy quiet nights with a bottle of red wine, my high heels and my IPOD. (Yes I clean in high heels, don't ask). But I am ready for more.

I'm not sure why I am starting to question this now, tonight, at this moment and felt the need to write it out so that I can feel better tonight. But I went out on a date Friday, which was iconic in what I have been dealing with as of late. Great guy, fantastic career (doctor). Amazing car (Mercedes). What every girl would dream of marrying. And I'm pretty sure he has every choice of a girl to marry. I mean he was attractive and fun and charismatic! He wore Armani for a casual night out for pete's sake! But that is my point. Every girl (well most) would find him a catch and I just don't feel like competing, worrying. I want someone who finds ME a catch.

Saturday, I had my second date with the psychologist and we had an amazing time and I am excited to see where things go. But here I am questioning things because he is just too good to be true! I mean, I have yet to find anything wrong with him. There has to be something right?

I just wish I could still believe that things just happen. That destiny takes over and things will magically fall into place. Love and relationships are beginning to become clouded by analysis and rules and I just wish things could fall into place. This is one area of my life that I am lacking in at all times it seems and I just don't want to have to work for it anymore. I want it to be easy. I am done with the cliches'. The, "it will happen eventually." The, "You'll find Mr. Right." The, "Be patients."

I want the honest, truth unfolding, say it how it is, don't be afraid to call, ask me out on a date, be understanding, kind of love!

I'm going to blame this one on intuition. I can just feel when something is off and that is enough for me. And something is definitely not "on" at the moment!

Goodbye

Guess I am now a Miami fan

Say it isn't so!

The city is going crazy. Tonight is the night that we might lose a legend...LBJ...and all Cleveland teams will officially go to shit. 35 minutes until decision time!

Scrabble anyone?

The rules: We either break them, follow them or live by them. Lately though I find myself questioning why we so often contemplate them in relationships? What happened to, I like you, you like me, let's do this thing? My girlfriends and I are completely guilty of not only over analyzing the behavior of men, but we bounce the rules off of each other wondering which ones to break, which ones to follow and which ones to toss.

For instance, here are some rules lately that I have heard and too often question.

1. Never send more than one text in a row if he has not responded to your previous text yet. The double text is a no no.

2. Never ask or imply that you want a second date on the first. You should be asked out a second time, AFTER the first date, not on it.

3. Texting two minutes after receipt of initial text looks desperate, 30 minutes appropriate and says you have a life but you are into him, an hour or more, you're not into him.

4. He should always call first. And phone conversations can start to occur after date number 2 or later, anything before looks desperate.

5. Guys like long straight hair. Not flat iron straight, but more of a wavy, but not curly. And first date outfits should be comfortable and casual.

6. He needs to ask you out for the weekend by Wednesday. If he doesn't, he doesn't value your time.

I could go on and on and on here. But I mean, this is starting to get ridicules. There are so many rules to dating that my head is beginning to spin. When something goes wrong, I am quick to say that I broke a rule. The thought never enters my head that "Hey, he just may not be that into you."

So with this new guy, I have decided to throw out all dating rules and expectations. If I want to call him, I'm going to call him (gasp!). If I am thinking about him, I'm going to shoot him a text (Oh My!). If I want to see him again, I'm going to let him know. I'm tired of the games, the wondering the questions, the insecurities. It's time to stop being ridicules and start being real. Be yourself. Don't ponder and doubt your every move. Maybe then we won't keep questioning what we're doing wrong because I'm starting to think that what is wrong is not being honest!

Fireworks and Butterflies

So this is what dating is supposed to be like. Butterflies? Fireworks? First kisses and shyly crossing your legs and staring at the ground not sure when to say goodnight. Amazing first date last night, or maybe it was more amazing because I wasn't expecting it to go so well. Either way, I am definitely excited!

You're not Sorry

Listening to Taylor Swift, "You're not Sorry." You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone, this is the last straw...don't wanna hurt anymore...

Sorry, a "break up" is always proceeded by sad break up songs, a pack of camel crushes and a case of beer chased with multiple cups of coffee. It's what I do. As dad said this morning; they come and go, better to kick em' to the curb now. And as my sister said; you read too many relationship books; and as my brother said; ok enough already, get over it! And of course mother; why did you have him come meet us?

Ugh, why why why? I find myself saying this a lot this morning.

Insomnia 1; Michele 0

It's 5:30 in the morning. I am looking at the mist rise up over the lake and sail across the tree tops as the sun comes up on this Saturday morning fourth of July weekend. I am reminescent of my past mistakes and anxiously cannot sleep as I have yet again let go of an amazing guy whom of which I know just wasn't going to be 'the one'. I cannot help but stay awake and remind myself of these relationship patterns that I keep falling into. I meet these amazing people who are just not capable of having any type of relationship on a level that I know I deserve emotionally. It was the initial goodbye text that was the hardest, the negating comes easy, the second guessing will be harder for the next few days, the empty nest will be harder, but when there is nothing left to give is when you know that it just isn't going to work. It is these lonely sunrises that I do not want to do anymore. The mid morning escapes, the apologies. They make dating hard and relationships harder. The let down from what you thought could be, to the realization of what will never come.

I said goodbye to [fighter] at 4:30 this morning. I suppose I apologized when no apology was needed. He simply was too into his own life to make a life together seem possible and that is nothing to apologize for except for bad timing. I simply realized it is time to let go of the image in my mind of what we could be and take what we were at face value. We were nothing but two great sense of humors that forcefully tried to make a go of something that wasn't there. It was the make it or break it and we didn't make it. The last day, scrambling to return your merchandise before you could only get store credit, the last kiss that you knew would be more memorable than the first, the last piece of straw that broke the camels back.

I was not willing to give up options because of my curse. My intuition. My inner knowing when something is going to be a permanent or even semi-permanent fixture in my life and I knew that he was temporary. I knew that it was only a matter of time before this happened and I am always that one who has to make others aware of it before it tears at my soul. I cried for all of five minutes this morning. Over the initial loss. The companionship that I was hoping I had found. I gave him so many outs. I gave him so many opportunities to leave the game with pride, without it being messy. I gave him choices, and when he chose to stay I thought it was was because he knew this was what he wanted, but all he knew was that he thought he could have his cake and eat it too (don't we all?)

It was the toe dip in the water before you dive. The view off the cliff before you jump. The fist stretch before you clench. There simply wasn't enough to make it worth the fall. This relationship was similar to the soulmate. Never enough time, never feeling adequate enough, never feeling capable enough. I cannot spend my life debating my self worth in relationships anymore and i most certainly can't spend my mornings, freezing, alone, in a tent wondering why a mid morning drive to escape the situation was worth sacrificing a morning of waking up next to me.

Favorite lyrics ever!

His eyes are blue just like the ocean. His heart is a river free. And now and then he gets the notion. And he finds to way me. His love's like rain on a tin roof. Sweet song of a summertime storm. And oh the way that it moves you, it's a melody of passion raging on...and then it's gone. He tells me he'll be back to see me. Every time he has to go. And I keep wondering just when that'll be, cause with him you never know. Just like a thirsty field, i can't complain a bit...cause I'm thankful for every drop that I can get.

(Picture taken at this fantastic winery in Vermilion called Paper Moon with two of the greatest girlfriends a friend could ever ask for!)

Vacation Again!

I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of tomorrow. I have so much to do and all I can do to prepare for it at this hour is pack (surprisingly done) and paint my nails. I get to see my sister tomorrow who just turned 21! Yay! Happy Birthday sis! Then I am spending a weekend away with the family at the "lake house" lol. I cannot wait to just relax with the family. Hearing myself say that statement aloud made me realize how far my family relationships have come through the years. My family and I haven't always seen eye to eye on my life decisions, and I think I have fought them tooth and nail to allow me to be the person that I wanted to be and live the life I wanted to live. My sister and I, being four years apart, were never very close. My mother and I had a strained relationship for a while and my dad and brother always seemed to be fighting their own battle with each other. But as tomorrow approaches I cannot wait to spend time with them. I remember how desperate I was to leave home, to be on my own and live a life of guilty pleasure. I wanted to move as far away as possible and now that I am far away (only about an hour, but it is still considerable distance), I find myself escaping home almost every weekend for the comfort of the family network. I miss being with them, I miss being criticized and ridiculed for my idiotic lifestyle (ok let's not get too ahead of ourselves!) Bottom line is that I am really excited for a fantastic weekend with them and there truly is nowhere else I would rather be. I wouldn't rather be with friends, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing and it feels amazing.

[fighter] is going to come up tomorrow to officially meet the family, which I am nervous about. I am not nervous for him to actually meet the family. He truly is a great guy. He's funny, a little outside the box. Not what I typically date. He has a great heart and is personable and I know that my family can see that in people and will like him. There truly isn't anything not to like about him. He has a great head on his shoulders. I am more nervous about what it signifies. If it signifies anything at all and perhaps I am reading too much into it. When you are a teenager, it's customary for your parents to meet your boyfriends. They have a right to because you are not even of legal consent to actually decide if having a boyfriend is even right for you. When you are in your twenties and live on your own, the views of a "boyfriend" begin to shift a little. They are no longer someone who is just passing through your life. They represent a potential life other than the one you are enjoying now, alone. They could be a future husband. The future father to their grandchildren.

Maybe I'm getting a little far ahead of myself. Either way, point is, I can't wait to spend the next four days relaxing and now working!

Back Door Blues

You know those moments, the romantic ones that you always see in the movies and you wonder why your life cannot be that way? Well I had one of those moments last night and even though it wasn't scripted or quite as romantic, it was real and I felt the need to document it.

[Fighter] and I planned to hang out last night, on Monday. Not moments after we solidified plans to hang out [Spike] asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink after work. [Spike] is a new guy that I met, well have chatted with via facebook who is a Mr. Fitness, adorable and an interventionist! He works with crazy adults, I work with crazy kids, match rolled up in patience and slightly battered with empathy! I call him Spike, because event though he is adorable; I haven't seen anyone spike their hair up with that much gel since oh, maybe 03'. Anyway, I cancelled on [Spike] because I really wanted to hang out with [Fighter] because let's face it, I like him, a lot.

10:45 rolls around and no phone call, no text, no show and I am left sitting there wallowing in the fact that I gave up a night with a guy who WANTS to spend time with me for a guy who simply FORGOT to spend time with me. Which is exactly what I told him when he called after I text him, and he said he simply forgot to call to tell me he couldn't make it. As apologetic as he was, I was irritated. I mean, we are at the 90 day mark, literally hit it yesterday. This is the make it or break it time in my opinion because after 90 days you know if there is something developing or not. Products come with a 90 day guarantee and so should men. I was honest and told him I gave up a date to spend time with him and I was more irritated at myself for putting him first above my instincts.

He tells me that he will call me back and so I call my sister for advice. I mean, this guy is supposed to meet my family this weekend. MY FAMILY, and MY DOG! That is a huge step for me. I have not brought a guy around to meet my family since the ex, and that was a long time ago. Almost three years ago now. This step shows that I am committed to seeing where this goes and now I was all confused if we were even going anywhere.

He calls me back and in the middle of pondering what to do, he interrupts rudely and says, "Can you please come let me in." I was completely confused. It was almost 12:30 in the morning. "I'm at your back door, have been since we've been on the phone, can you please let me in so I can apologize or am I going to have to do it from outside your window?"

I open my apartment door and on the balcony of the stairs out the back is [Fighter], sweaty from him workout, holding a bouquet of white daisies. Daisies because they are my favorite and he knows I hate roses and white because it means I'm sorry. Puppy dog expression, one hand leaning against the brick wall, one arm on the banister holding the flowers. It is a symbol of romanticism I will forever remember in my head. The kind of moment that will be detailed forever, what he was wearing, what you were wearing, the kind of night it was, the smell of the flowers, he expression. Though he is not entirely off the hook just yet, because I am more interested in where we go from here, as opposed to where we have been, it was a wonderful gesture. It was a moment that every girl dreams of, romantic, ideal, and I'm pretty sure that is how at least 50% of pornography videos begin.

The way you make me feel

Theme song to my life today:

"People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel."