Insomnia 1; Michele 0

It's 5:30 in the morning. I am looking at the mist rise up over the lake and sail across the tree tops as the sun comes up on this Saturday morning fourth of July weekend. I am reminescent of my past mistakes and anxiously cannot sleep as I have yet again let go of an amazing guy whom of which I know just wasn't going to be 'the one'. I cannot help but stay awake and remind myself of these relationship patterns that I keep falling into. I meet these amazing people who are just not capable of having any type of relationship on a level that I know I deserve emotionally. It was the initial goodbye text that was the hardest, the negating comes easy, the second guessing will be harder for the next few days, the empty nest will be harder, but when there is nothing left to give is when you know that it just isn't going to work. It is these lonely sunrises that I do not want to do anymore. The mid morning escapes, the apologies. They make dating hard and relationships harder. The let down from what you thought could be, to the realization of what will never come.

I said goodbye to [fighter] at 4:30 this morning. I suppose I apologized when no apology was needed. He simply was too into his own life to make a life together seem possible and that is nothing to apologize for except for bad timing. I simply realized it is time to let go of the image in my mind of what we could be and take what we were at face value. We were nothing but two great sense of humors that forcefully tried to make a go of something that wasn't there. It was the make it or break it and we didn't make it. The last day, scrambling to return your merchandise before you could only get store credit, the last kiss that you knew would be more memorable than the first, the last piece of straw that broke the camels back.

I was not willing to give up options because of my curse. My intuition. My inner knowing when something is going to be a permanent or even semi-permanent fixture in my life and I knew that he was temporary. I knew that it was only a matter of time before this happened and I am always that one who has to make others aware of it before it tears at my soul. I cried for all of five minutes this morning. Over the initial loss. The companionship that I was hoping I had found. I gave him so many outs. I gave him so many opportunities to leave the game with pride, without it being messy. I gave him choices, and when he chose to stay I thought it was was because he knew this was what he wanted, but all he knew was that he thought he could have his cake and eat it too (don't we all?)

It was the toe dip in the water before you dive. The view off the cliff before you jump. The fist stretch before you clench. There simply wasn't enough to make it worth the fall. This relationship was similar to the soulmate. Never enough time, never feeling adequate enough, never feeling capable enough. I cannot spend my life debating my self worth in relationships anymore and i most certainly can't spend my mornings, freezing, alone, in a tent wondering why a mid morning drive to escape the situation was worth sacrificing a morning of waking up next to me.