Have you seen my motivation?

So I obviously haven't updated in a while because quite frankly I have seemed to have lost my motivation. I haven't even been motivated to update my facebook, so don't feel too neglected. My motto lately has been, "why do today what I can put off til tomorrow?" I don't even feel like working today. Probably because I prefer to put off all my work until the day before my day off so I have so much to do I am frantically running around my office like a chicken with my head cut off. It's fun, you should try it. Plus the big boss thinks you are extremely motivated and determined, so I feel it's a win win.

Atikin's diet update: I'm still eating healthy for the most part. I do eat carbs before and after my workouts but spend the majority of the day eating healthy and no carb. Which let me tell you, is a pain in the ass with as much Halloween candy floats around work this time of year.

Dating update: Hmmm what dating life? Ann and I rejoined match. Though skeptical, I wasn't dating after that and so I thought, hmm round 2? Which is proving to be just as unsuccessful as round one. I mean, I don't pretend to understand why I am this amazing one date wonder (I should have went as that for halloween! Maybe next year). I mean getting a date is not a problem, it's getting a second date. I think I'm charming and attractive, but obviously my dates aren't feeling the same way. You can only come up with so many excuses (he has ex issues, commitment issues, maybe he's gay?) Pretty soon I'm going to have to face the fact that maybe I am just destined to live alone in a small tiny one bedroom apartment (that I still want to turn into a walk in closet), and pretend like I'm okay with having no husband, no children and a bunch of non existent cats. I've been dating since I was fifteen! Where is he hiding already?

The more I date, the more I realize how much I am married to my job and how much I do not want my job to define who I am. I need some new hobbies. Better yet I need some time for those hobbies.

Well I need to go teach my class, and count down the hours until I can go home and lay in my comfortable bed and read L.A Candy (by Lauren Conrad), a horrible excuse for a book. Even the writing is poorly done. You would have thought that MTV would have been able to pay for a better editor. Nonetheless, it's a hobby I do, read and obsessively check my match because if you have ever been on a social networking site, you know, it's addicting.

Atkin's Day 6

Can't believe it's been 6 days. I've been doing really well. I'm eating the same things a lot but really it's not that bad. I did cheat. I had an apple today and I had some Special K the other day, but that's it. It's weird thinking I cheated by eating a fruit and some low calorie diet cereal but I'm not supposed to have any carbs. Still I have found myself only eating three meals a day. Also I am not hungry. I don't feel any need to snack in between meals, especially on chips or anything. I'm really not even craving chocolate or anything sweet anymore. I cut down my coffee to drinking light coffee in the morning and not all throughout the day. Coupled with my cute personal trainer who kicks my ass, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere and feel great. I'll continue to keep you updated!

I bought myself a man in a blue polo today

So apparently my quarter life crisis involves crash diets, shopping and spending a whole lot of money that I don't have. I got suckered in to purchasing myself a personal trainer today. Ah if only getting a boyfriend were that easy. I will see him once a week for three months and then every other week for months 4-6 and then once a month for months 7-12. Huh, sounds like a pretty amazing relationship to me. Just one that I pay quite a bit of money for.

However, I realized after session one, that I am working out entirely wrong and have to revamp my workout and this atkin's diet is not good. Well I'm still going to follow the atkin's because I spent 100 in groceries the other day but I'm excited. As sick as I feel for how much money I dropped today, I'm still really excited about the idea of this. I think that it will actually work which is what I'm praying for. At least I have someone else to blame if it doesn't.

Atkin's Day 2

So I just spent my morning doing an arm and ab workout. I wanted to sleep in this morning so I skipped the gym and worked out a little at home, but I am planning on hitting the gym after work tonight. Goal is a 30 minute run plus a leg workout.

I also spent the morning cooking my meals for the day. This is what is on the menu for Wednesday. Yes it's repetitive, but it still looks pretty good.

Breakfast: 2 Eggs scrambled and turkey bacon. Plus two cups of decaf coffee

Lunch: Grilled chicken salad with tomato, hard boiled egg and feta

Dinner: Turkey Burger on Romaine lettuce with 1 tbsp of mayo and blue cheese with asparagus cuts

If you also noticed, this diet does not allow you to eat fruit. Due to the fact that fruit contains natural sugars which turn into fat in your body. Fruit is the carb I will introduce back into my diet after 10 days, but fruits lower in sugar like apples, blueberries etc.

Atkin's Breakfast Day 1

So my boss, the office girl and myself have decided to do the Atkin's Diet, excuse me, the NEW Atkin's diet for 10 days. It's not so much new as much as he has just added the word to the cover of his book. You still can only eat Meat and vegetables and for 10 days you really can't have things that don't even have carbs. Like no nuts, no sugar, no nothing. However, the food you do get to eat, I love, so I don't see this being a problem. I like eggs and turkey bacon. I love egg salad. I love grilled chicken salad and chinese vegetable (minus the corn because you can't have corn or carrots, or green beans yada yada yada).

So we're taking this 10 day challenge to jump start our weight loss which comes at perfect timing, in conjunction with my new Urban Active membership and tanning package. I never stick to anything. So I decided for the next ten days to blog about my weight loss woes, and to write down what I eat and what I did at the gym, so I can go back and be like, oh look, this is why you still have a spare tire, you never got off your ass!

Day 1 observations at my gym:

So Urban Active is typically not the type of gym that you go to, to lose weight. Everyone there is either already fit and prance around in their spandex and tight shirts. Men walk around, barely able to put down their arms, their pecs busting out of their cut off. It's intimidating. Especially when you can look around and be like, yea I used to have an ass like that (in kindergarten), and yea my stomach looks like that, if I suck mine in so tight and hold my breath so long that I risk brain damage.

I go tanning as soon as I walk into the gym. For one thing, I have never done a stand up bed before. I don't understand them. Why stand up and tan when you can lay down and tan? I would choose the lay down option any day of the week. But this is a fitness club and you're supposed to be doing calf raises or bicep curls or something while you tan. I realized that going tanning before the workout was a great idea. Full length mirrors. Even worse, full length mirrors that show every ripple in your skin. I didn't realize that gaining 20 pounds in a month would be pure fat (I mean really I thought a little bit of that might have been some muscle). But no, pure cellulite, fat rolls, dimples, everything. Looks like all the ingredients I need for a pie. So note to self. Don't look in mirror for next ten days when tanning.

First is the right choice of location for your cardio equipment. I choose the treadmill that overlooks the parking lot so that I can see if any guy I've dated is on his way in so I can run and hide in the movie room.

Then it's trying to run next to a girl with legs for days, blond and who smells like lilacs and rosemary while I'm there in a sweatshirt and smell of burnt flesh. Gotta start somewhere I suppose. Goal: To be THAT girl at the gym. The one that comes up and is so hot and fit you want to cower and cry but really it just motivates you a little more.

I ended up running 30 minutes at a 4.5 pace and I did abs. For food, I had egg substitutes (2 eggs) with 4 slices of turkey bacon. Lunch was egg salad salad on Romaine lettuce with asparagus spears. Dinner was Shrimp stir fry (no rice), and a side salad with tomato, feta cheese and raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

I also drank 4 20oz water bottles and had two cups of decaf coffee in the morning with Splenda.

I wasn't hungry at all last night or during the day. The hard part not snacking out of habit. I have realized I simply delight in the taste of good food. I love chocolate, I love my Special K cereal. Ok I'm done, talking about it makes me want it. But I don't NEED it. I just want these things. But this is the difference between a skinny person and someone like me. They don't indulge themselves all the time. I can't do that anymore I'm not 16! Besides If I don't stick to this diet, all I am eating is just fat, and I won't be burning off any carbs and I risk potentially gaining weight at first.

Day 2 tomorrow. I'll keep you updated!

I want I want I want

I just want to sell my car and live in a city where I can take the Subway to work everyday. I want to wake up and have to actually think about matching my clothes with my shoes instead of debating on if I should change from pajamas into gym wear because they are technically the same thing anyway.

I want someplace to wear all of my fancy shoes too. Instead they just sit in my closet and collect dust. And yet I still keep buying more.

I just really want this new job and the longer I go without hearing from them, the longer my faith is dwindling.

I hate Mondays

Apparently my quarter-life crisis involves protein shakes; $50 a month gym memberships and a hatred for anything other just sitting on my couch and doing whatever I want to do!!!

Kids say the Darnest Things!

I was teaching class last night and this little girl looks at me and says "Were you in the movie Hitch?"

I of course say no and she replies "You look JUST like her. You are so pretty Miss. Michele!"

I wanted to take this girl home and just have her compliment me all day!

Now I don't see it: but this is probably the thousandth time I have gotten this comparison and I am beyond flattered. I want to look like this...guess my face is at least on the right track! lol

Halloween Costume Hunting Time!

It's that time of year again! By far my favorite time of year! Halloween Time! Which also means; Halloween costume time! So It's decision time; something I am very bad with...but I've narrowed it down to Sexy fairytales or sexy gasta or a ballerina, equipped with the pointe shoes and all!

Black loafers and the morning paper

So minus the slippers I am actually wearing as shoes at the moment; what my feet get cold and I left my black flip flops at work (note to self: invest in cute pair of black ballet flats). I do look mighty fresh faced today. My skin has finally cleared up, I have a glow, my typical glow of happiness that I have finally gotten back after a short week of "depression."

So here I am, showing nice cleavage in my yoga top, hair pulled back, smile and glow plastered to my face, when I walk into my Starbucks and see this adorable dark haired gentleman make eye contact with me as I walk in the door.

He's not gorgeous, but mature. Good looking nonetheless. A man. Being of age now, I should be dating Men not Boys but I realize I'm at that awkward age. Too young to be dating mid-thirties or forties but too old to be considering someone my own age. I gafaw at the thought!

I loved his hair, loved loved loved. The kind of hair you could picture your fingers running through when you are trying to be flirtatious. The kind of hair you brush out of his face when you are trying to be sincere, and the kind of hair you grab and tug on playful when you are; uh well you know.

I could have gone without the black canvas loafers though, but his jeans were great and then again who was I to judge, I was wearing suede furry SLIPPERS to starbucks (what I'm going to a ballet class)!

This mysterious Starbucks man gets up and starts to gather his things, looking nervous. I know this look. He is going to come talk to me. He is going to come say hi and I am starting to feel coy, oh wait that's just the sweat beginning to form on my brow.

Just as his things are gathered and he is walking my way....RRRRIIIINNNNNGGGG. Oh of course I am getting a phone call right now. Oh and of course it's work! My boss would be calling. I mean it's not like work doesn't hinder me from having a normal relationship enough as it is. What am I talking about, hinder, if hinder means not allowing!

So I missed my opportunity to talk to cute Starbucks guy. I guess that is just the way life goes. I am starting to realize that God truly does not ever give you more than you can handle in life, and I think at this moment I probably could not handle a relationship. He must know something I don't know and I think I am just going to have to trust it.

A break in the Monotony!

For starters, I am feeling a little bit more like myself these days. The last two days I have gotten up before dawn and gone to the gym, leaving me time to come home, take a nap, make breakfast, shower and even enjoy an hour at Starbucks blogging and shopping online even though I truly don't need to be doing either of the two. I now see why exercise makes you so happy. You feel a little more accomplished. I have done an hour workout two days in a row and that was the hard part, now I'll almost feel guilty if I don't go!

Now for the bad part, Urban has totally suckered me in. I love it so much better than my gym. So much so that I am going to cancel my membership at my current gym and just join Urban. It's a little farther but they have so much more to offer. However, I have to play it cool, make them think that they NEED my membership, not the other way around. That way I can work out the best deal. Like no contract.

So I went to Giant Eagle this morning to pick up cereal and some snacks and sugar free candies since I am still addicted to sweet food but trying to give it up on the hunt for a new body. I mean I was able to give up sugar for lent, you would think I could do it for the majority of my week, but for some reason I am completely struggling with this. But I go to the self checkout because all I have is some Special K (SCORE! 4 boxes for 10 bucks!), and apples, salad, milk (yes I actually bought a small thing of milk!) and what not, and I swear every 5 seconds the thing stopped and I had to have someone come help me anyway. So much for "self" checkout.

Good news is, the power is out at work! No work until it comes back on! Thankfully I was still at Starbucks when this discovery was made and now I don't have to go in until later! Half a day for me! So excited! I'll tell you what, this has been a Wednesday full of great things so far! Maybe my gray clouds are beginning to part and the sun will soon begin to shine! Maybe all I needed to see this was to change my attitude and my outlook a little bit!

"Everything is gonna be alright," serenading me at Starbucks right now!

Have a great Wednesday!

Ugh life

Maybe it is in the change in the weather. The way the leaves are falling so suddenly. They way that life just seems to be so different over night. Either way I am in a funk I cannot seem to get out of. I have lost my motivation, my desire and my spirit. I have no sense of humor, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to talk to anyone. All I want it to take care of myself. A little time to get life together and figure out what I want and what my next move should be.

I have now reached mid-twenty. Beginning to lose my youth and starting to have to grow up when each day I am trying to figure out what growing up even means. Does growing up mean having a car payment, an apartment, a marriage, kids, divorced? Wearing the latest fashions and coming home to the smell of inscents and dinner in the crock pot? Is this grown up?

I'm in my mid twenties and have never felt so lost. I suppose that is why I am taking this birthday so hard. I woke up and realized that yesterday I loved my life and today I hate it. I hate my job. I hate that I work more than 40 hours a week. I hate that I took a semester off school to find myself, i'm 25 I should already have been found. I hate that I only have one day off a week. I hate that I live in a tiny ass apartment where I have to squeeze my new car into the worst parking spot in the lot. I hate that I have adult acne and doctors can't seem to do a thing for me even though I have spent $500 in doctor bills for their help. I am the heaviest I have ever been with weight I cannot lose. My pants don't fit but I hate how I couldn't wear them if they did because I have to wear sweats to work anyway.

But them I stop and think to myself. Michele, will changing all of this really make you happy? I am letting my discontent with life take over my life and who I am. I am becoming sad and cynical and that is just not me. I feel so out of control right now. All I wan is a little bit of control over my life again.

Woohoo it's my 21st!

So It's finally here. And on top of having a sore throat and no motivation and kicking myself in the ass for picking up this extra job on my days off and on a Sunday; it is officially my 25th birthday. Now I realize that it is any other day and it is nothing special, life moves on, so what I am another day older; I am having a really hard time dealing with the significance of my birthday today.

It seems that no matter how far I have come, I am still in some ways so behind. Perhaps I need to change my attitude; embrace getting older and welcome a new chapter and new possibilities but for the moment I am being nostalgic and self centered. One; this is my first birthday since I was 14 that I am spending single. Yes, ten years of relationships and NOW I am finally alone, at an age where marriage and kids naturally seems like the next step in life. Depressing birthday fact number one. Two; I have to work. My idiotic idea to make extra money to make my car payment each month. I hate the job. I mean it's not that it is that bad but it is six hours of non stop teaching and I don't particularly like teaching anymore. It's all I've known and all I love and now I simply don't truly care. Plus it is a Sunday; a rainy Sunday and my depressing birthday. All I want to do is lay in bed and relax and watch movies. Go for a run, just do what I want. I want to organize my life. Feng Shui my closet. Put my 25 years of life together! Maybe then I would feel better.

My motivation is dwindling. I will write more later. Maybe.