what to do what to do!

It's not that I have been particularly busy, not too busy to write by any means. I have simply been going through what I can describe as some sort of a depression. However, I believe I may have shaken it during my 15 hours of sleep last night! Yes I'm not kidding. I crawled into bed at 5:30 pm and left the warmth of my comforter once between then and 8:00 am this morning to grab a glass of water and use the bathroom. I did not eat dinner, I didn't unpack, I didn't clean, I just slept. Well I did wake up around nine to watch Sweet Home Alabama but then I cried myself asleep again until this morning. But I woke up rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. I cleaned my apartment, unpacked, danced around to a little Katy Perry. I paid bills, I read my book, I sent an email out to volunteer at an art therapy gallery, wrote my editor and paid them my critique fee (game on book, game on!) and I am now at Starbucks finally blogging enjoying a peppermint latte!

I'm a little worried about the three meetings I have today at work. Basically I am giving giving giving and they are taking taking taking. I read some of the response emails from parents and their concerns have nothing to even do with me, which I think made me more angry. I am doing everything I can but in a place that big it is not good enough if we don't act as a team. Their complaints; I'm not coaching their kids (sorry there are 75 of you and I already work 60 hours a week), Not getting enough time on equipment (Anna made the schedule and squashed us in there despite my objections), and they aren't getting ballet training (something Sally promised to provide them with). How am I supposed to fix problems when it has nothing to do with me?

So I got online and looked for a new job and lo and behold what did I find. A team opening at the most prestigious club in the state, probably one of the top five in the region. Needing someone with my fortay and guess what, offering $10,000 more than what I'm making now, plus full benefits (dental and vision), oh AND a 401K!!! The catch? It's in Columbus. I'm one conflicted girl right now.

Now that I got my groove back, you can expect me to write a little more. It was sooo nice to spend the holiday in Chicago at my sister's. Despite the fact that my brother can drive me to the point of wanting to kick puppies, it was still exactly what I needed for a few days. Clear my head and make me realize in the scheme of things, all this stress is simply not important to focus on. Life is a one way ticket. We are all on board to eventually reach the same destination. Though some of us choose to take different paths to get there, we're all going to the same place. So why on Earth am I spending all of my energy at a thankless job? You know what I would love more than anything? An empty room. With a heater. And then a small addition painted in neon colors with a jungle and ocean wall. Moms can come in, take a hot yoga class and during the time they are in their yoga class they can drop their kids off for a gymnastics class. And me, I would sit in my office and write. Take two hot yoga classes a day and peep into the gym when needed. Be my own boss, love what I do and make a killing. I think what I need is a little focus. I have what I am calling SADD, success attention deficit disorder. There is so much that I want to do with my life and I just have to focus on one goal at a time, but there is just so much I want to do I simply can't. Some may call me ambitious, but they are just being nice. I just have SADD and don't know how to focus it.

Stagnant

Life seems to often times be like a train on rails. When it is moving in the right direction, everything is going according to plan, running perfectly. But when the train starts to go off course, it can't simply stop, turn around and go back to its original direction. It has to keep going, off roading, so to speak, down a new path in hopes that this new direction will lead itself somewhere similar to the original destination.

How is it that life has a tendency to get off track so easily? And why is it that when you finally realize you feel yourself heading in an unknown direction do you often times try to put on the brakes only to find that they are not working? You have no choice but to keep moving until suddenly you wake up one day, sufficating, unsure, vulnerable, apprehensive and confused and praying that you can hold on, ride through and hope there is not an end to the tunnel you have found yourself submitting to?

This is how my life has felt lately. Of course. I'm not sure if I am making good decisions for my life. Was it a good idea to postpone school? Is it a good choice to be married to my job? To not have time for yourself? To come home so exhausted, the only thoughts that go through your mind are eat dinner, fall in bed and lay awake for hours pondering these questions that have no answers?

A friend of mine was recently in the hospital. After ruling out cancer, they found out that she is fine, but it made me start to question life in general. At the age of 25, if I had a diagnoses that I would die in less than five years, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? The answer was no. And then an even harder question came up; what are you waiting for? A husband? Or a boyfriend to share things with? Why? For your job to offer you more validation? I come up with every excuse; I can't take off work, there is no one to go with, there is not enough time, not enough money, not enough of me to go around the list of responsibilities I have to do and the ones I want to do.

I need to find my motivation. I need to stop making excuses and I need to just DO THINGS! Now that my mom is not working, maybe I will drag her to some exotic locations. Have some fun. Enjoy some more experiences. That is when I am truly happy, when I am experiencing new things, stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not when life has become stagnant and stale and boring.

Tomorrow is "put yourself together Wednesday." Get most of the things done I typically have been saving for a day off. And on my day off on Friday I am going to enjoy something new and experience something different. I may have to google this one, but I'm going to do it!