What If....

I get online yesterday and an old boyfriend IM's. Mind you, this is probably one of the only guys that I dated that I actually remain to be really close to. He is my douchbag. I love him more than words can describe in a way that is not romantic but in a way that I would do anything for him if need be and he would reciprocate. We had a great friendship before we dated and remained to have a great friendship when it ended. It did not end on bad terms, he simply was going to have an illegitimate love child with a former girlfriend and I was not ready to be the girlfriend to a guy with a baby mama and baby mama drama. So it ended, simply, or so I thought.

So he IM's me just to see how I am doing and then begins discussing his current relationship woes and then asks THE question..."Do you ever wonder what if?" What if we never ended what we had? Mind you, we had a fantastic relationship which is why we can remain to be so close now, but he made me start to realize that I have always had a lot of what ifs when it comes to relationships. A lot of relationships in my life have ended leaving a what if on either my half or theirs.

There was Scotch, whom of which I dated for three years and then had such a strong what if that we tried it again and of course it didn't work. What if closed.

There was the Murse, aka the SM...whom of which I still wonder what if about. What if our timing had been better? What if I hadn't just gotten out of such a horrible relationship? What if, what if, what if.

A friend of mine who is a complete realist and makes a lot of sense told me one night...Michele stop with the what ifs, are you with him? NO then there is no what if, it wasn't meant to be and you need to move on. In reflection of this statement, she is correct. If you're not with them then it is pretty universally obvious that you are not the "one" however, what about the stupid stories about lost love and love found and reunited love. Should we be realists on the what ifs and chalk it up to flighty thought in times of solice? Or is there hope that perhaps fate is testing you through time?

I don't have the answers and I realize that I never will. My mind argues back and forth on this. One argument for the romance. It happens, there is a soul mate for everyone, you will find that GREAT love. The other side says...shut the f&*k up! If he's not calling you, not asking you out, and not seeing you HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU...even f*&^*#g prince charming chased down Cinderella to give her back her SHOE...if you were really the one that "got away" you'd think they'd make a little effort to return you're HEART!

Ahhh maybe one day I will have all the answers. I am seriously considering becoming a monk so that I can become enlightened on this!

Satirical Article Inspired by my friend Ann

New Ocular Condition Reported Among Single Men

Doctors have discovered a new ocular condition that has been reported by numerous single women around the country. The condition seems to be affecting mostly single men, and a small portion of those engaged to be, or already are married. This disease seems to be brought on around the onset of puberty and certain drugs such as Cialis and Viagra tend to create a heavier onset of side effects.

Doctors are currently in the process of intensely studying this condition and have decided to name it slutaracts for the symptoms that it causes in many men.

"I first noticed that my boyfriend had a problem when he came home one night and I was waiting for him in my negligee' and he walked right passed me and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator," says Billy Jean of WV. "I know romance goes out the door a little bit after three years, but really? The beer seemed more appealing than I did at the time?"

"I noticed that every "nice guy" I met that seemed interested in me would end up hooking up with my friend. Even after he would say that he wanted a classy girl, he always would sleep with my friend the next night. I started to feel hopeless and disheveled, until I learned about this condition. It gave me hope that one day men will see faithfully again," Anonymous, Toledo Ohio

As Doctor B.S. Hit says, Slutaracts affects the dilation of the pupils and the surrounding vessels in the cornea. It creates eyes that are like tractor beams and zones on, well, slutty behavior. When we began testing for this condition we used girlfriends, plain Jane's and wholesome girls as the control. When sluts entered the room or girls who smelled of bad decisions, the eyes immediately glazed over and focused on nothing but the other stimuli. The vessels sent signals in the brain that seemed to over ride cognitive reasoning and these guys just didn't care.

So what is the cure for slutaracts and is there hope for women out there to meet a nice wholesome man some day? Doctor B.S Hit weighs in.

"Of course there is hope. Luckily are panel of doctors have discovered that not all men are effected by this. It does seem to decrease with age and maturity with only a small percentage of men still being affected with this after the age of 30. We also noticed that men raised under good moral values seemed to be affected less by slutaracts. My advice to women is to simply avoid these men until they are cured of this. Do not try to cure them yourselves, it brings on more symptoms such as hatred, resentment, and actually increases the side effects of slutaracts."

So there you are ladies. The truth behind the astonishing new ocular disease leaving women vulnerable and helpless in the path of ocular slut hunters. Good news is that doctors are still looking for a cure, unfortunately with as much stimuli effecting men on a daily basis, and with the Internet, it is becoming increasingly difficult but they are hopeful.

Clock is ticking!

So blogger...I had a day off today...not really a great day off as I spent it sick, laying on the couch reluctantly working on my late term paper. I have decided to take a breather from looking at it to blog and then I am going to officially turn it in. I know it is not very well written but at this point I simply do not care. I have way too much on my plate.

So my date on Thursday with the MMA fighter went fantastically well. I have a great time with him and we really seem to click easily. I really hope that it works out and that we can eventually go out again sometime. I may have met someone equally busy in life so I guess we'll see where it goes. I have realized that I don't remember how to do this beginning awkward dating stage. When you like a guy and you think he likes you. Do you call him? Should you wait til he calls you? How often should you stay connected? yada yada yada. I'm not really sure how to go about this one. I am trying to play it cool but I really do want to see him again. Doesn't matter if it's to take a walk on the beach or watch a movie. I just really enjoyed his company. However, I think I am getting a little ahead of myself and need to remember to just chill out every once and a while. Wait til he contacts me I suppose. I mean we have been texting and we are planning on going out this weekend but I'm going to let him plan. I told him when I'm free and I'm going to see what he can come up with.

Friday night I went to a steak fry with the banker and we had a great time as well. We always have a great time. Which makes this position harder. Here I have an MMA grad student who I like and am secretly wanting to pursue hard, a banker pursuing me who is equally nice and I am stuck in the middle of which way to go with this one. Again, guess I should just chill and see where life leads me.

So I had the most horrifying date on Saturday night. To a wedding. Not only was it insanely awkward, meeting the entire family on a first date, but I had thought I made it clear that it simply was a "you need a date, so I will go, but have no interest in actually dating you," date. Needless to say I had to listen to five hours of this meat heads beauty regimen and on how he doesn't eat carbs and works out twice a day and has so much dedication he should bottle it up and he is an MMA fighter (bullshit) and drinks coffee through a straw so it doesn't stain his teeth. Yea, it was horrible. The whole night I thought I was playing dodgeball to keep his lips from contacting mine and thought I made it very clear repetitively that I was not interested but he must not have been able to hear me due to all the whiskey and the size of his head. I could not have gotten out of there fast enough and wish I wouldn't have wasted $80 on a dress and would have just chilled out and watched a movie. I was that disgusted.

So here I am, needing to finish my paper and rest. This is exactly what I am going to do. I have spent the entire day and bed and now realize why I fill my life so full...I GET NOTHING DONE WITH ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

SO EXCITED

12:30 am and I find myself sitting in front of my computer, trying to do everything in my power to magical have my paper finished when I click back over to it. There is only so many hours you can work on a project before school onset A.D.D kicks in. Completely self diagnosed I assure you. So here I am blogging, facebooking, you know, the usual. I want to sleep so bad but I have a point that I need to reach in my paper or I will not be able to successfully sleep anyway so I figure I mine as well stay awake. There is supposed to be a meteor shower tonight between 1 and 3am so I am going to try and stay awake to see if I can catch a glimpse of it.

I also cannot sleep in great anticipation of tomorrow. I have a date with the MMA fighter and I am trying to conceal my enthusiasm. I'M SO EXCITED AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT! We set this up yesterday and I have anxiously awaiting tomorrows arrival! It is going to make work go by so unbelievably slow I am sure. I don't have class tomorrow so I am going to spend the morning working on my paper, and beautifying myself of course and then it will be off to work for a short day since I am off at seven and then home to quickly pick up the hurricane I leave the house in and get ready for him to come over. I am trying not to get too excited because those are always the days when something random happens like his car breaks down or he gets stuck at work or something of the sort and then I am left disappointed. However like I said I am just so excited. I wish I could come up with a better word but my brain is still mush and that one sums it up nicely.

Blah Blah Blah

Sorry it has been almost a week since my last blog. I have been incredibly busy. Life just doesn't seem to want to slow down. I hate that I have to fill my blog with crazy twists and turns of life events in a weeks time instead of being able to just think about what I want to do about the curveballs I seem to be thrown everyday.

For instance...told toolbox to get out of my life. He obviously doesn't realize I meant this in a literal sense because he wanted to hang out on Sunday, but I was strong and my will power finally prevailed and I told him no way. I am hoping that he finally can take the hint on this one and realize I said no because I have no interest in ever allowing him back into my life in any capacity. It feels amazingly liberating and I am really happy I finally made this decision for myself.

Old man that hates me at work put in his two weeks notice. As jubilated as I was to hear of this, it totally screws us over and puts me in a really hard position because I now need to find another coach ASAP. I need an assistant, a male, with great skills. Why is it that I am always trying to find the perfect guy? I am convinced that they do not exist in any capacity on this Earth. Those that are "perfect" are robots, I am sure of this and whoever is upstairs is mocking our search efforts.

The banker asked me out for Saturday. He has cancelled twice on me now and I am really not sure if I even want to go down this road. He has made a lot of effort these past couple days via text messaging. I think that I am hesitant for a reason. The chemistry is just not there so I think I am going to spend my Saturday alone rather than trying to force myself to like someone just to like someone.

I hate text messaging by the way. How impersonal. If you want to get to know me...call me. You cannot dictate tone on a text message and it is really annoying.

For instance...got set up with this guy who used to be roommates with Ellis and Lange, my friends husband and boyfriend. Great guy, really cute, really interested. We had a great time Saturday night, but it would be nice to be able to hang out with him without alcohol. We have been texting back and forth since...texting. Not calling. How am I supposed to get to show you how wittingly charming I am through a text message? You cannot plant the seed of love via text and I commend anyone who can. I am not that charming with my words and usually say something idiotic which usually gets taken the wrong way and then poof I ruin my chances.

Ah if it's meant to be it will be. I don't particularly have time to worry about it at the moment with work drama, a huge evolution paper to write on the musculoskeletal kinetics of bipedal locomotion, a take home exam, a scientific paper on my Haitian findings and USAG state championships this weekend. I can officially say my brain is mush. I need a change and I believe the change needs to start with me. Not really sure how to go about that but I am going to enjoy myself a little bit while I figure it out. Change number one....Let the powers at be, be and allow them to dictate my life this week. I don't have time to figure it out!

Have to go research now. I will see you soon blog...I promise!

Figits

I took this class because I thought it was going to be interesting. Who wouldn't want to study evolution? As a whole, it sounds interesting. However, I cannot pay attention no matter how hard I try to actually sit and listen. Her soothing European accent simply puts me to sleep. I am in such a torrid bore for 1.5 hours, that I sit here and blog and facebook and feed even more into my internet addiction. I sit here and daze into my screen, I write, I wonder why the girl in front of me is picking out tuxedo colors. I try and relish in my vanilla bean coffee. I simply cannot sit here any longer. If this class didn't cost me $2000, I would have dropped it by now. It is so painful to sit here when I have a million other things I could be running around doing.

25 randoms

25 Random things I have learned about myself along the way

1. I have to drink water with a million ice cubes...I don't think it tastes good otherwise

2. I am a sucker for a great pair of shoes

3. I wear high heals when I clean the house because I hate my calf muscles and I think it will make them better

4. I love the sound of birds chirping...it reminds me of the spring and more importantly the place I spent summer's as a child

5. I hate roses...especially red ones

6. If I could be anything in the world, I would be a travel writer

7. Monotony scares the hell out of me

8. I'm also secretly afraid of falling in love and being vulnerable

9. I am addicted to coffee

10. I rarely ever finish a book because I'd rather be writing one than reading one

11. I check my horoscope daily, at night, to see if it was even remotely right about my day

12. I take insanely hot showers

13. I can't have any of my food touching on my plate

14. If I'm smiling like I mean it, you can see both my dimples...you can only see one if it is a fake smile

15. Any guy I marry will have to get permission from my dad first...old fashion in these ideals sometimes

16. I hate milk...I won't even eat it in my cereal

17. I love cupcakes! And secretly want to own a cupcake and coffee shop someday

18. My favorite beer is shipyard pumpkin head ale and you can rarely find it up here

19. I believe in ghosts...and aliens...even though I am semi-embarrassed to admit that

20. My favorite movies of all time are the Princess Bride and Dirty Dancing

21. I am a complete hopeless romantic and I still believe there is a soul mate out there for everyone even though statistics prove otherwise

22. My dream date is a dinner home cooked on a sailboat with lots of white christmas lights.

23. I wear a ring that my grandma wanted me to have when she died and I never take it off.

24. I am the happiest when I feel accomplished.

25. I cannot sit still. I have to constantly be doing something or have something to do.

So blogger, there is a lot more about me that I am slowly discovering and that I left out. But I thought I would jot some things down. Yesterday I was told that I am not a very revealing person. I suppose it goes along with being afraid to be vulnerable. Sometimes over protecting your heart can still lead to heartbreak so I am not sure what the secret is.

Found out on Sunday that my lawyer friend is randomly in a relationship all of a sudden, and it's not with me and I was a little disheartened that he made himself seem a lot more emotionally available than he actually was. He claims that "it just happened" but relationship status changes on facebook, though done with one click of a button, don't just happen over night. I've had a facebook while living with a guy and still did not reveal my relationship status. Not because I was ashamed but because I don't think it's anybody's business. So that one kind of threw me for a loop the other day.

Today is a rainy gloomy day here in Ohio. I hate this time of year sometimes. The weather is going up and down. 80 and sunny one day, 45 and rainy the next. It's that point where you can't quite pack away your winter clothes and boots but still can bring out summer clothes every once and while, which wreaks havoc on my closet.

My Dear Jose book has been published and shipped as of today. I am very excited, anticipating it's arrival, as are my girlfriends that are included in the book. Little apprehensive since my mom ordered a copy and I am a little embarrassed of my behavior, considering the book is about my love of Tequila and my drunken nights under it's influence but hopefully she's take into consideration that it is all in good fun. I have already started volume 2!

Well I am going to go and try to do some research for a paper that I am very behind in writing. Talk to you soon.

Insomnia

I don't know what my deal is today. I went to sleep around eleven, having given up on what was left of Saturday and thought, ugh just go to bed and wake up to a new day. I did wake up to a new day, at 3:30 in the morning and I have not been able to go back to sleep. I am completely wide awake. I also realized that I barely ate anything yesterday. I had a packet of breakfast nuts, a cafe steam meal and a vegetarian chicken patty and that was it. It is no wonder I find myself up now at five am, hungry, itchy from mosquito bites on my foot and hot. I'm considering just staying awake and napping a little later. Why is my mind racing right now. My body does this to itself when I am stressed out. Doesn't get hungry and constantly just wants to go go go and never stop. I don't understand why I feel so stressed right now, I have been able to relax for three days without work and feel fabulous. Hmmmm...I'm gonna go put on a pot of coffee in figure this out.

Saturday Night Blues

It is Saturday night and my plans for the evening got cancelled so I find myself truly embracing this whole being alone thing and I am still a little bit indifferent to it. I have had something to do on a weekend night for as long as I can remember and not having something to do is usually few and far between and yet here I am at home on a Saturday night blogging about my indifferent feelings on this. Of course there is plenty for me to do but now that I live so far from my friends it just doesn't make it worth it to go out for a few drinks and trek over an hour to do so.

So the tool box text me last night to ask if I had plans. Not like he was asking me to do anything so I am not really sure why he was texting. Probably because somehow those kind of guys have this sixth sense about it when you're decided to emotionally let them go. It's like a radar goes off..."oh she's over me, I need to text so I stay on her mind." I did not succumb to his lack of charm and just ignored it.

I went out with an old friend of mine on Thursday which turned out to be a really fun and semi-regretful night. This is the exact type of guy I'm looking for and I'm just not sure what his intentions are. It would be nice if it were to turn into something more than a friendship but we'll see how it goes and for the time being I'm not going to worry about it.

I was supposed to go out on a date with the banker tonight and he said he had to do "emergency babysitting" of his sister's kids. My instincts are telling me that this is not exactly the truth since there was no apology or even feelings of regret in the text, considering this is the second time I have made plans with him and the second time he has had to cancel due to babysitting. My mom and I agree I should chalk this one up to a loss and move on. She even thinks it sounded fishy and if her and I are actually agreeing on something that I would say that it's probably a correct indication of something going on.

So I am going to attempt to get my taxes done. Drink the beer in the fridge in my apartment that has broken. Yes, fridge has broken. The milk I threw out today was my first clue and upon sticking half my body in it and realizing it was colder outside than in the fridge, I now have to clean it out before I have rotting food everywhere. Considering it is Easter weekend and the super will not be out until Monday, it's a good thing I did not go grocery shopping today! I try to tell myself that it is nights like these that the unexpected happen but I am not holding out much hope for that.

Honestly my question is where is he? And why can't I find him? Is it time for me to let go of my idiotic romantic ideals and give up the search for Mr. Right? I just don't understand why I cannot meet a decent, attractive man. Why can't my love life be like one in the movies? A better question, why do I even keep thinking that it can be this way? I am not complaining here when I make this statement, even though I know it is going to sound conceited and like I am, but it is hard to meet decent guys when you are an attractive person. Attractive girls have to constantly wonder if guys are only with them because they want to sleep with them. Most people look at me and at first glance think that I am not smart, they think I am a crazy party girl with no morals or education simply because I am attractive. It's a false stigma that I am getting really sick of trying to prove wrong.

I'll keep you updated...I'm going to go continue to do nothing...maybe start my taxes...cause I really do need to get those done!