Yay! Chivalry is not dead!

So I did almost slip and fall on my ass last night. Heels and ice are not a great combination, apparently. However, I did manage to keep from getting anything in my teeth and I am impressed with my ability to have a few drinks and not say anything stupid. I never realized how nice is it to be able to go out with a good looking guy, have great conversation and be treated so chivalrously. He opened my car door, and actually closed it behind me. He tried sushi for the first time and his adventurous nature was appreciated. I even avoided the awkward kiss goodnight at the end of the evening, even though I think he was hoping for it. We'll see how this turns out. I'm still uneasy about getting involved in a relationship, especially since I got the vibe that a relationship is exactly what he is looking for. But for the time being, it is nice to feel nervous butterflies again!

Butterflies or Anxiety

Feeling a little anxious. A little nervous. Yet at the same time not sure how I feel at all. I have a date. Like an actual date. He is on his way to pick me up and here I am blogging about my insecure feeling. Probably because I wish it was someone else. Maybe because I am not ready. Maybe because I have been entitled a maneater twice this week thus far or maybe because I am simply afraid of dating period. Not really sure. I have not been on a traditional date in a long time. The kind where he picks you up, pays for dinner and drops you back off awkwardly at the end of the night. I have not done this in over two years. What if I get something in my teeth? What if I say something stupid? What if I slip and fall in my high heels and embarrass myself?

Ugh the woes of singlehood. I'll blog more later. I don't anticipate it being an exceptionally late evening.

Renew my Right to Read please!

My library card has expired. I am slightly baffled. What do you mean expired? How does one's library card expire? Isn't learning a lifelong process? Isn't reading encouraged? Not sure how I feel about this. Now I need to go all the way up town!

Fear of Flying

What am I so afraid of? Independence? Failure? Love? I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want? Mediocrity. That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid that my passion will not substitute for lack of talent. I am afraid to fail, so instead of saying Has ta La Vista to my job, my path and doing what I really want, I am stuck.

What have I got to lose? Money? I can live without it if I have to. I have done it before. End up living back at home, sleeping the basement. That is where I am now. Because I have failed before. On numerous occasions. And I have started over. Because that is what you do.

I wish I could fly around the world. I wish I could take beautiful pictures all day long. I wish I could write so that I could support my desire to travel and take beautiful pictures of the world I long to see.

I am tired. Sleep, school, work, home, homework, bills, repeat. That is the mediocrity of my day. I suppose when I think about what I am afraid of and what my life is, I should have no fear. I am living my fear day in and day out. On repeat. As if I were Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day. Please somebody shake things up a bit in my world. Give me heartache, butterflies, laughter, sorrow, anything but boredom!

I do not long for a glamourous life. I will get dirty. I will sweat and survive unshowered for days. I will wear cargos, sketchers and an cami with an Australian outback hat. I just want to experience. I am thankful for the experiences I have had in life thus far. But I long for more. I do not long for love. Maybe I am afraid of that as well. I have been in love. But ever since I lost love, I have not loved. Lord Alfred Tennyson, hopefully is rolling in his grave right now. Having lost love has left me cold and heartless.

I try to tell myself I just haven't found "the one." That is why you are bitter. This is why you are newly and happily single. In reality, I have done a complete 180. I used to be in one relationship to another, and if I wasn't in one, there were always men in between who kept me occupied. I have never been alone, nor have I ever enjoyed it so much so. However, I am fearful that coming to this realization at almost 25, is not very good timing. I should have taken time to discover this a long time ago, and just maybe the love that I have lost wouldn't have been lost at all. It was bad timing. I was not ready for such a great person in my life. Now I am and I can't find one ready for the nice person that I am. Oh the irony.

I think I am going to try and find creative ways to support my dreams (bank robbery, escorting, illicit drugs), until I can manage to muster up the courage to once again disappoint my parents, prepare them to provide me with a warm spot on the couch and tell my job adios

Goodbye to You

So I decided to give destiny a little kick in the pants today. So a few posts ago, I had mentioned the awkwardness of one of my evenings out by running into my said ex boyfriend, whom of which I still have a secret crush on. Well both him and I like MMA fighting and we actually had a really good date at an MMA fight. Well I actually ended up seeing him out AGAIN on Saturday night. (Destiny, Fate, God, Buddha, whomever is up there, needs to stop torturing me, I know). When I saw today that there is an upcoming fight at the end of February, I saw it as a perfect opportunity to ask him to go. So I did. He said, he'd love to go, as long as he doesn't have to work. So cross your fingers blogger that he doesn't have to work! This may be my "in," ....again.

On a separate yet related note, I told Ryan that I just didn't have time to date at this point. Which isn't entirely true, even if I meant that deep down I know there is not enough of a connection between us to create any long term meaningful relationship. It's sad because we have been friends for a long time and I think, I take that back, I know, this will effect our friendship but I needed to be honest, even if it wasn't enitirely true, wow isn't that a paradox. Nonetheless, I do feel bad but he asked me to do something Thursday, I already had plans. He asked me to do something Friday and I already had plans and he said he is giving up trying to hang out with me. Which is understandable, I would too. I told him, I am busy, you need to make plans with me. He says, he doesn't make plans. In that case, we're not going to work. So for now it is probably for the best. If we had a really good connection, I would feel a lot more upset about it than I actually do.

So for now, I have to go to the lab. I will write more later!

Time Traveler

HELP! HOW DO YOU STOP TIME?....Ugh, I need the hours to stop ticking by. It is my first day off in three weeks. The last I shall have in a month! I find myself overly consumed with a never ending to do list and I am trying to find a balance between what I have to do and what I want to do. I have to do laundry...it has piled in my room for three weeks. I want to paint today. I have to clean out my car and get an oil change. I want to workout. They're simply are not enough hours in the day sometimes!

BTW...I am loving the blogging and journaling on a daily basis. It is really inspiring me to do good things with my life and to concentrate on myself for a few minutes each day.

Update later...Chow Bella!

Plan A

I went to the bookstore yesterday and just wondered around for about an hour or so. I was acting out of desperation, needing to do something that I enjoyed to break up my work week a little bit and mundane monotony that has become my life. I wanted to buy this book, 1000 places to see before you die. I bought it and decided to make it my life's mission to try and see as many places in the book as possible. Mind you, these places are all over the world and expensive, so that might be difficult to obtain. Nonetheless, it never hurts to dream or have a handy guide to help steer you in the right direction when I find time to actually take a vacation.

I wonder how you get to become a travel writer. Or hold a job like the lady on the travel channel. I would love to find out. I'm going to have to look into this I think. If I could find an opportunity like that I would jump on it in a heart beat, at least for a year or so. Traveling the world is a dream of mine. Funding this dream, of course, is always the issue.

However, I did happen to come across this book called Skinny Bitchin. I read their previous book, Skinny Bitch, about the dangers of the food we eat and that we all should just become Vegans. After trying this until I was diagnosed with a disease that contradicted this lifestyle entirely, I learned two concepts about the book. One; you're skinny because unless you have a personal chef or time for creative recipes, there isn't much you can eat. Two; You're a bitch, because all you want is a f*n cheeseburger every time you bite into some bland tofu and spinach salad. Anyway, I picked up this book, and here it is a journal filled with inspirational quotations and helpful writing guides to becoming the best you can and fulfilling your dreams and your goals. Sticking with my goal of this being the year of me and self discovery, I bought it, and it has turned into my personal travel bible that I actually cannot wait to write in everyday. It challenges my thoughts on life and my intellect and I love it.

On a separate yet slightly related note, I'm starting to be viewed by others as a work-a-holic and I don't think I like this very much. It would be one thing if I worked all of the time in a job that would provide me with the ability to move up in my position, but with my work, I hold the highest position you can have without being an owner of your own company. Being an owner, is not my goal, and I don't think I like the fact that I have forever hit a glass ceiling with what I do. Of course there are always more goals to achieve, more accreditation's and awards and honors, all which are hard to obtain and are hard to do when you are of such a young age. I am twenty four, and being that young and being a director of a program such as mine is a feat in itself. Still I keep wanting more in my life and I am not able to pursue it because of my long strenuous hours. It's sad when school and work are both my plan B in my life. I still have yet to define plan A. This is my problem. I am spending so much time working on my back up plans that I have neglecting to even determine a Plan A.

This year I plan on figuring out my plan A.

Life Update

So I find it a little ironic that the theme of the year is "2010, The Year of You," plus it is the year of the OX in the Chinese New Year, my animal, and I am going through a self identity quarter life crisis. Perhaps it is a good thing that I am keeping a blog this year so that I can look back a year from now and hopefully see some profound change in myself and my life. I have realized a lot about myself this last year. I have been through the wringer and in hindsight, I have made a lot of life changing decisions for my life, but non of which seem to be taking me in the right direction, even though maybe it is just God working in mysterious ways. Or whomever it is I am praying too when I talk aloud randomly throughout the day, begging for a sign or a sense of direction.

I still find myself to be chaotic and horrible in my relationships. I have a slew of men asking me out on dates. All of which are nice, goal oriented men, with stable jobs. I mean really you cannot be picky these days. However, I am spending my time pining after an ex boyfriend, still clinging to the idea that he is just shy and is waiting for me to make the first move, while I continue to believe that I can keep separate an emotional and sexual relationship with a guy I know is just bad news.

I realized the other night that I am ready to settle down. I am ready to have someone to share my life with, to come home to, someone who will be there for me on an emotional level and support me. I am looking for an equal, a partner, a soulmate. However, I then realized that if I were a guy looking for the same qualities, I wouldn't date me. I am completely giving off the impression that I am carefree, fun, a quiltless pleasure who lacks any real sense of emotional connections to the men that I am dating, which is obvious by the company that I am choosing to date. What guy would honestly want to get serious with me, when I don't even take my search for love serious? I am letting them call when they want, see me when they want, and this is because I am only allowing this to occur when it is convenient for me.

Work is continuing to be stressful and I question my ability to do my job everyday. All the while, I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted. I wanted to feel needed, demanded, and I wanted the responsibility and the stress that came with the job. However, I am realizing more and more that the outcome doesn't seem to be a benefit at all. There is no recognition, the hours are long. I don't get to just take off work. In fact, I am working everyday until we close for a week for Easter break, and I'm sure they are going to expect me to come in during that time. I need a break. I need some fun. I need a companion to go and have fun with to make it worth taking a break.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I haven't even had time to shave my legs. No wonder my hormones are out of control and my skin is breaking out, which in turn makes me feel worse about myself so hence the emotional cycle that is my life. I need a day. A day to sleep, to paint my nails, to get a pedicure, to dye my hair, to just do me.

I still have my goal of losing 10 pounds before March. I am not very optimistic on that goal. I haven't even had time to shave my legs, let alone squeeze in a workout. With school starting this week, I need to just get settled and then get myself on a schedule. I decided to give up chocolate for lent, even though I am not catholic, and don't know if I can leave without sugar. But I am going to try. I also think that it is ironic that Lent begins right after Valentines Day this year.

Ok enough for my life updates for now. I am going to try and get some sleep tonight. At least more than the four hours I got last night, plus the one hour of sleep I got in a freezing cold car waiting for my class to start this morning.

Venting...

I am really annoyed right now and I just need an opportunity to get it off of my chest. First of all, I haven't had a day off for almost two weeks. In fact it will be two weeks of straight work by the time my day off on Friday rolls around. Not to mention the fact that due to another competition I also have to work Sunday as well as all weekend next weekend, and the following weekend, and also the following weekend. After Friday, my next day off isn't going to be until February 2oth. So on top of already having a hard time finding time for myself, dating is obviously difficult when you are never home. I've been gone since Friday at 5:30 in the morning. I got home tonight at almost 6:00pm and I wanted to take a nap and just lay around the house. I have been working twelve hour days for the past week without a day off. The last thing I want to do is go anywhere, do anything. Ryan just simply did not understand that and was mad at me for not wanting to hang out tonight. Hello, this is why I am single. I'm selfish and busy and simply do not have time for everyday annoyances like this. On top of that, I am annoyed with work. There is so much to be done and I am unmotivated to do it because I don't think it will matter anyway. I am annoyed with myself for still living at home, I am annoyed that I pay $300 a month to a credit card whose balance never seems to come down. I am annoyed because the guy that I really want to be with doesn't know that my feelings even exist anymore. I am ready to settle down. I am annoyed that my life isn't settling down. I am annoyed that I cannot go on vacation and I am annoyed that I don't have enough time in the day or enough money to do the things that I really want to do.

Always read the day after; it makes more sense

You know how you read your horoscope and since they are so general they could apply to one facet of your life but then that doesn't happen, but something else happens that could relate to it as well and then it makes a lot more sense? Well in hindsight I think I discovered what my horoscope from my previous post was talking about and it had nothing to do with the gorgeous ex boyfriend. However, a gorgeous Aussie on the other hand, yes, so either way it was a win win situation.

I spent almost two hours talking with the guy that we interviewed at work the other day. The guy that for some reason, I just have this feeling that I will see again, even though he is 2000 miles away and didn't like Cleveland all that much. Either way, I suppose it is just as nice to keep in contact with him, even if it is via the Internet. The power of communication.

Uncanny

You've got a few more hours to get back into contact with the person you know you need to talk with -- and you know it's important that you talk with them now. So if they're on your mind, it's a good bet that you're on theirs, too. Who's going to give in first? No one knows. But it definitely won't help to try to win the waiting game. Somebody has to be brave, honest and magnanimous enough to make the first move. Bet it's you.

This was my horoscope today. Uncanny? Fate? Oh what to do. I am a firm believer in fate and signs and what not, but do I chalk this up as your traditional basic horoscope that anyone can relate to their life, or do I take it literally, stop being a baby and send a text to the gorgeous ex that I happened to run into last night?

Awkwardness

I always seem to find myself in the most awkward situations. However, I believe that the awkwardness that often times occurs in a random evening out, leads me to reevaluate a lot of situations that I am in. Let me tell you about my evening;

It was my cousin's birthday, her and her boyfriend happen to share the same birthday. I knew her boyfriend before she knew him when I dated his friend almost two years ago now. His friend, whom of which, still after two years, I secretly just hold onto the delusion that we are mean't to be together and we will date again someday. So I go to meet them out at the Winking Lizard, taking Ryan, who went to school with these guys as well. We get there and everything is fine, the said ex is not there and my blood pressure remained at a relatively stable consistency. Around 30 minutes pass and who happens to walk through the door? I'm sure you guessed it. Of course he was not alone. He was with a girl that I did not think was by any means attractive. She was homely looking and when she smiled all you could focus on were her gums, which were considerably larger than her teeth, which was a pretty impressive feet, even for mother nature. I suppose I am a little bias and more so, I am jealous. The most awkward part of the night was when we get to the next bar and it is Bill, his date, my date and myself. Then my date goes to get a beer, his date goes to the restroom and we are left alone, it was awkward. My heart was racing, I was starting to sweat. It just wasn't a fun situation.

Of course when we head back towards home to meet up with Ryan's friend, who's girlfriend was out for her birthday, I run into yet again ANOTHER ex boyfriend, the one I lived in Florida with and whose ex girlfriend hates me. Even though we broke up over three years ago, everytime I see them out she gives me the dirtiest looks. Her insecurities ooze from her evil glare and I am about at my wits end with her judge mental stares. The only thing she should be judging is the education of her hair stylist. Bleach is not a hair dye sweetheart. Being stone sober last night, at one point of the evening I over heard her yelling at her boyfriend for saying hi to me and complaining that I said hi reluctantly and would have dragged him out by the hair if he actually had any.

I wish I could say that these situations rarely occur in my life, but this is anything but the case. However, it made me realize something last night. In speaking with my friend Chris, who has always been an advocate of Bill and I getting back together, we were having a conversation about how hard dating is getting the older that we are getting. Him, being with his on again off again girlfriend of six years (they are not on again), he feels he is ready to settle down. I stated that I don't believe I am ready to settle down at all, and he just looks and me and says, Michele, yes you are, it's just ironic that you can't because you haven't found "the one." He states this and looks directly at my ex. I thought about this for a while and he of course is correct. I am ready to settle down with someone. I have been shuffling guys in and out of my life so much because I quickly find a quality in them that I don't care for and that's all I can focus on and soon I cut them from my life. Being out last night and being sober, I realized that I am starting to get over the scene of things. I am ready to start to settle down I just haven't done so because I am not dating anyone worth settling for. Perhaps it isn't about that. Perhaps I should start settling MY life down, not OUR life. I'm assuming that would be the adult thing to do. I'm going to contemplate this over the next week.

Update

So I have decided to stay at Bowling Green for another semester. I had that annoying feeling in my gut the other day and if I have learned anything from past experience it is to trust that feeling. Sometimes I get such a strong feeling in my head that I ignore the subtleness of my intuition. It may put me a semester behind but in reality it is still a step in the right direction of finishing my degree, no matter how small. I mean, at least I am continuing to take classes instead of just not enroll altogether. I figured that this will give me an opportunity to do things in the right order. I can find an apartment I really like without pressure to move so quickly. Then once I have moved, then I can transfer to CSU. It would have been too difficult to try and enroll, start a new school, find an apartment and move in the 2 ft of snow we have been getting here lately. So since school is paid for, thanks to the government, and because I am going to slow down a bit this semester, I think I am going to try and take a fun class. Like a fitness, painting or photography course.

On an entirely unrelated note. I have been contemplating lately the meaning in which life has in bringing random people in and out of your life. I am a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason. They are placed in your path to teach you something or to learn from you. A new potential employee prompted my thinking on this subject. I am in dire need of having an assistant at work and we flew in someone yesterday to see if he would be a right fit for the position. After a two hour interview and then having him work with me for a few hours, I was smitten. He was exactly what I was looking for and exactly what the company needs. However, his home is thousands of miles away, separated by an ocean and an entire continent and the owner is concerned that he will not like Cleveland. I understand his reasoning; Cleveland is not the most exciting city in comparison to where he is from, but I believe that to each is own. He may like it here, perhaps he'll like working for me. Perhaps I just don't like the idea of meeting someone, connecting with them and then the idea of never seeing him again, knowing he would be exactly what the program needs. Why would this person be placed in my path if I am only to meet him for a few hours and be left with even a day full of what if's? What is that supposed to teach me? Perhaps I am a little biased. I personally just hate the fact of meeting an absolutely gorgeous, intellectual, exotic man with blue eyes, a kiwi accent who speaks a bit of Italian, and not even having the opportunity to flirt with him a bit. I suppose it is out of my control. Fate needs to step in and I need to trust that everything happens for a reason.

Well lots to do today. I have loads of laundry to put away, a disaster of a living space. I need to do a leg and abdominal workout, pay some bills. I would like to run to the store and buy more canvas so I can paint today and since I haven't seen Ryan in almost a week I need to spend some time with him as well. School starts up next week. Life is busy enough as it is already so I am not looking forward to having to add studying on top of my never ending to do lists.

Woe You 2010

I had another dream last night that I was pregnant! Whatever new goal or idea is about to grow, needs to grow soon before I start taking these dreams in a literal sense. I have so many ideas and so many goals for my life and things that I want to do, I am overwhelmed. I don't know where to even begin my list of things in 2010. How do you accomplish some dreams when they rely on others and not solely you? For instance, work. I have a lot of goals and personal achievements for work, but how do I begin something when I'll put in all this time and effort and if they staff doesn't follow it then it isn't going to work anyway. I want to do an art therapy program at the hospital and run an art charity auction of the art work created by the children. How do you go about this when that is dependent on so many other people? I suppose I need to take the first step and the first initiative and just do it. I need to begin networking so that I can accomplish these things in the future.

As far as my love life goes, it is still ever complicated in 2010. I am dating this really nice guy who makes me laugh so hard I am convinced it is my ab workout for the day. He is funny, smart, has goals and direction for his life and yet part of me is still really back and forth on the issue. One day I could potentially see myself with him and then the next I'm not so sure if we're right for each other. This is going to sound horrible, but the only reasons I have for contemplating this is based solely on physical attraction. He's the same height as I am. This makes me feel awkward when we are out and he actually has to lean upwards to give me a kiss, because I always have my high heels on. He is very attractive, don't get me wrong, I just have an issue with dating short guys. He looks young. Physically I want the bone structure of jean claude van dam, dark skin, bright blue eyes, hair that is not too long, not buzzed and just someone who has that masculine appearance. Who can wrap his arms around me and be the protector, the man. We've also been talking for three months now and things just aren't moving along. Not that I really want them to move quickly, but we hang out all the time and the guy has yet to actually take me out on a date. Other than hung over trips to Burger King, I have not been out to dinner with guy. I have met his parents, I have had dinner with his parents. I have met practically his father's entire side of the family, over a funeral, a drunken wake, mind you, but this guy has yet to take me out on a solo one on one date and spend some one of one time with me in public.

Now I know that he is into me. This is not the issue. My issue is, since when do guys believe that hanging out constitutes dating? In my eyes this is not what dating is about. Dating is picking the girl up at her house, going out in public somewhere either for dinner, drinks, someplace exciting, but it was definitely planned by the date asker outer. You are dropped back off and home, walked slowly to your front door and exchange an awkward first date kiss. This to me is dating. Call me traditional but I believe that dating should still be this way in a sense. Now I am left to wonder how many times hanging out constitutes me having a talk about where I stand, where things are going or if I should leave my options open. I don't like to have to guess these things.

I think I've done enough contemplating for the night. I am going to try and finish another chapter in my Dear Jose book. I would really like to get it published soon so that I can try and solicit it to publishers or at least have a hard copy in my hands so I can cross another item off my anti-marriage list.