Red Lipstick and Wine

There is a saying that there are two tragedies in life; one is to lose your heart's desire and the other is to gain it.  I feel that people spend an awfully lot of time wishing.  We wish for more money, more clothes, more shoes, a better car, a better life.  Whatever your vice is, we tend to always want more of it.  Sometimes we wish more organic things and what could be more organic than raw love?

I find it funny how single people complain about being lonely until they are in a relationship and then they complain about being in a relationship.  I have been completely guilty of this as well.  The grass is always greener right?  But often times I have found that we have complaints about relationships most often when we don't have particular standards for ourselves in those relationships.

As women we are always being told to follow rules.  Don't go out with him if doesn't solidify plans by Wednesday, but don't go out with him if he calls the next day because he's too eager then and who wants a stage five clinger?  Always let him pay, but you should offer so you don't look like a gold digger, and if he agrees to go dutch then you should just high tail it out of there because he only wants one thing.

All of these "rules" are frankly quite dizzying and I'll be honest, I have been following and NOT following these rules for about the last five years and none of it has done me any good.  I am no dating expert but can we please just take men out of the equation for a minute.

Bottom line, plain and simple, up front and honest; you are never going to get what you want if you don't know what YOU want and if you don't know what you want then you can't communicate that to a significant other and it's NEVER going to work out.  NEVER.  Not under any circumstance.  I'm sorry but men will jump through only so many hoops and as much as you want to think that you're shit don't stink, everybody's does when they eat the wrong lunch that day so get over yourself.

I need to get over myself.  In the movie...something, "the wallflower" they say that every women has the love life that she thinks she deserves (and actually that was first seen in the Wedding Date, but I think the book came first and they stole it from there).   There is a profound truth in that.  In your mind, you may think that you deserve a lot more than you portray that you do.  Hence the not knowing what you want.

So do yourself and your dating life a favor.  Pour yourself a bottle (oops I mean glass), of wine.  Put on some red lipstick so you feel sexy and get to writing.  Write down what you want.  Write down what you don't want.  Write down your personal deal breakers.  Write down what you are willing and NOT willing to put up with in what is supposed to be titled "your better half."  At the end of the day, that is what a relationship should be.  The person that you give your energy too, that you sacrifice for, should be your better half and do the same for you.  If you're in a relationship and they don't, STOP.  If they step their game up and earn your love and respect then they deserve a place in your life.  If they don't, it may hurt, it may suck, you may cry and find strength in that bottle of wine but soon you will be over it. I would much rather be heartbroken for two weeks or two months than live two years of being treated how I do not deserve to be treated.  People who deserve to be in your life will rise to meet your expectations or they will move on and you should do the same.

The looking glass; a five year reflection

One of my favorite fairy tales growing up was Snow White.  Don't get me wrong, it held no comparison to Cinderella, but it was still a fairy tale that I grew up watching multiple variations of.  As a child fairy tales meant something completely different to me than they do now as an adult who has studied her fair share of literature and has had the idea of a "deeper meaning" engrained into my mind by professors.  As a child they were just princesses.  Beautiful women who were hated for their beauty but in the end true love, decent humanity and beauty always dominated over evil queens and step mothers.

Today I find myself contemplating the deeper meaning of the looking glass in my own fairy tale.  After having a brief conversation with my mother the other day and thinking as I got off the phone with her how her oppinnions can be so cold and relentless sometimes, she made a very good point.  Her question to me was "where do you see yourself in five years?"  To be quite honest, I had no answer.  I didn't see myself in five years.  I hardly saw myself today.  If you asked me five years ago if where I was standing at that moment had been part of my plan, I would have said no.  Did I think it was a possibility?  Of course, but did I see it happening?  Did I take calculated measures to ensure it?  No.  It just happened.

Like the many years behind me in life, I have not made a concrete plan for anything.  Part of that has to do with my faith in fate and destiny.  I believe that I am where I am for a reason whether known or unknown and I trust that the people and things placed in my path are to strengthen my faith, test my patience and guide me to the ultimate end of my life.  I just trust that things will work out and be ok.  If I need something, I throw that need into the universe and somehow things workout for the best.  I know that seems like a silly way to live life but it's worked.

Looking back at previous blogs I have accomplished a lot of short term goals I set out for myself.  Five years ago to this day I was miserable.  Horrible boyfriend, bartending, broke, living at home with my parents, no credit,  and I had an old rusty car (that I was thankful for).

Today I am working my dream job (maybe not ideal job but a job with a gym I had only dreamed of ever working at).  I own my new car (well in 21 more payments).  I have a beautiful apartment BY MYSELF in Columbus and I get to wake up to coffee in bed and sunshine every morning.  I have wonderful friends and my relationship with my family couldn't be better.  If you would have asked me five years ago if this was where I saw myself, I couldn't have answered yes.

Because often times that question lies within the looking glass.  Sometimes what we see when we look in the mirror is beautiful.  And then sometimes those that we love the most points out of the features reflected in that mirror that aren't so beautiful.  It angers us, and we do whatever we can to change that reflection.  For me, as much as I hate my mother always being right, it's making a plan.

So I sat down today to truly ask myself what I want in the next five years.  I'm going to write it down and throw it out in the universe and work hard on my own merit to get it.  My birthday is coming up in two weeks and I always feel that the year starts on your birthday and not on the new year.  I celebrate a "new year" on the day I was born.  And indicative to that, I always make a list on my blog about what I am going to try and accomplish in the next year.  Sometimes I succeed at a few things and sometimes I don't at all.  My reflection is of a girl who is now going into her late twenties, with grace and style but not two pennies to rub together and a lot of "I will's, I wants, one days, and maybes."  I'm tired of seeing that reflection and it's time to change that this year."

So for the goals.

In the next year.  I want to have a majority of my debt paid off.  If this means I'm going to have to spend less time coming home for visits and more time doing private lessons and working a second job, it's time to put my money where my savings account is.  I want to continue on this healthy path and lose all this extra weight.  As my previous post stated I have been doing Insanity and I plan on sticking to it. No more working out for a few days and then losing track.  I want to finish my book.  I'm tired of talking about it and it's time to just DO IT.  I want to cross more things off my leap list.  Spice things up, add some adventure, meet new friends, as I haven't really solidified a life here and I need to because this works into my five year plan...

In five years, I want to still be at my company.  I want to coach through the next Olympics.  I want to see one of our very own make it and I want to travel to Brazil to cheer her on and be apart of something people only dream of.  And since I know I am where I want to be for at least the next four years.  I want to slowly finish school and find a career I am passionate about so that I can reduce myself to being a part time coach working because it's my passion and not because I need it to pay my rent.  I want all my student loans paid off.  I want my car paid off and I want an upgrade, to a beamer, more like a mercedes (white).  I want a house.  Or at least something with two bedrooms and a huge walk in closet.    I want to get married.  But I don't want children at least for another five years.  I want to be married by 30.  I want to enjoy some time with my husband and then I want to start having children around 32.  Hopefully my five year goals will be accomplished and the time will be right.  I want a boston terrior.  I want to travel more.  I want to spend more time with people I love and keep experiencing great things in life.  Because when I am old and gray, I highly doubt I will look back and wish I had made more money or say I wish I worked more.  I don't want my response to be that I wish I had spent more time with friends and family and more time learning and growing and loving.  I want to live life to the fullest.

The mental list is bigger, but I want to keep evolving and one day I hope that the only reflection I see in my looking glass is a good one.  I will be twenty seven this year.  I no longer consider that old or like I don't have enough time.  I look at it as the age of opportunity.  The age where I am young enough to still make mistakes but old enough to have the wisdom to change what it is I don't like about my life.

Here's to 2012!  The year starts again in two weeks!  Cheers to a good one!

I'm Back!

I apologize for my six month hiatus.  Life got crazy and summer was even crazier.  I thoroughly enjoy my weekends off in the summer, however, my bank account does not appreciate it as much as I do.  It was a spring and summer full of weddings and bridal showers, bachelorette parties, trips to the islands, VIP excursions, hanging out with Olympians, enjoying the Olympics, working ten hour days and yea, whew, I'm ready for a break.

I'm definitely excited to go back to my fall schedule today and just get my life back in order.  I may be going back to giving up my Saturdays but I am gaining so much more me time during the week that for me it makes it worth it.

Something I am very excited about beginning today is a workout regimen and diet plan.  Working 10 to 7 all week long took a toll on my diet as I spent everyday at lunch at a fast food place.  Even though I tried to make healthy choices such as whole grain grilled chicken sandwiches, sushi and turkey subs, it most definitely is not as healthy as home cooking meals.  And at 7 when I would get off work, the last thing I wanted to do was grocery shop, cook or even work out and my gut is showing my disdain for such organization.

So this morning I was up early.  Was able to sit around and "pin" and peruse my favorite social networking sites and this morning I started my workouts.  I am going to dedicate an hour a day to working out.  No more excuses.  I'm back blogger!

Workout:
25 minutes of Insanity Cardio Plyo (it kept cutting out and I couldn't take it anymore, this is what I get for trying to "borrow" it from the internet)
3 x 15 Squats supersetted with 30 seconds of wall sits in between sets
2 x 20 lunge walks with weights
1 x 15 Hamstring curls
20 minutes of pilates for abs

Diet:
B: 1 slice whole grain bread with 1 egg over medium and 1 slice weight watcher cheese
Post Workout: Cupcake protein shake (vanilla protein, sugar free cheesecake mix, 1 scoop cottage cheese (2tbs), 1/2 cup coconut milk and 1/4 water
Supplements: B vitamin, multi vitamin, chromium picolate, acidophilus and shot of apple cider vinegar
L: Mixed green salad with grape tomatoes, cucumber, blue cheese and italian dressing
Breaded tilapia (pan seared and whole grain flour)
Snack: Green apple with almonds
D: Grilled chicken breast (george forman), wild rice and steamed broccoli

My goal is to look like this...by Halloween!

The perfect Friday night

Me, a bottle of bohemian highway merlot, edamame and some sushi.

I have yet again gave up sweets for lent (minus the one hershey kiss I ate today. Yes, only one, I swear)! But today made me realize that I need to give up two other things...even if I am two days late.

Drum roll please.....

1. Sushi

2. Shopping

That's right. Two of my latest and greatest vices. Paying bills tonight, as I ate my sushi, I realized in checking my bank account that I could have made my car payment with the amount of money I have spent in sushi this last month (ok maybe not that much), but I definitely could have paid my cable bill, or bought a really nice pair of shoes. So tonight I ate my last sashimi for 38 days. Ok I'll add two for cheating.

And shopping, well it's no surprise that I am a shopaholic. But this week alone I bought myself some Juicy, Gucci (possibly Pucci), and Nike. Um, hello Michele! You just dropped enough money to feed ten children in Africa for a year!

So no sweets, no shopping, no sushi! Ugh I am doomed! And I am embarking on a new project. In the next 40 days I have to volunteer somewhere. I have to give back. I have been so blessed in my life and I need to respect that and so I am going to find something I am passionate about and give back (not through money), through time, my time, the time I waste oh too often on tumblr and facebook. I also am going to embark on a positivity path! That's right. I will not say anything negative for the next 40 days. If I have a negative thing to say about something I am going to keep it to myself! We'll see how this goes because in my experience the only thing people hate more than negative nelly's are positive polly's!

Toodles for now. Going to finish my manicure and start packing for my descent home tomorrow afternoon. I am so excited to be going home!!!

Is the grass ever really greener?

I am a firm believer that there is a balance to life. A yin and a yang, take the good with the bad, the ups and the downs, and any other cliche saying that comes to mind when you are trying to make yourself feel better about a decision or choice gone array.

This is life right? Whether we can justify its purpose or we just go with the flow, we as humans have to come to expect that sometimes things may not always turn out the way that we wanted them to. We can admit defeat or we can try and do something about it.

I feel like sometimes you start out in life with a vision on the type of path you want to travel down and then of course life happens, shit happens, you fall off wagons, you stumble, you screw up, you get up, you dust off, you jump, you leap, you make mistakes, you correct them, you face them, you conquer, you submit and soon you have taken so many short cuts and long ways home that you don't even know which direction you are facing anymore. So you have a choice. You can either keep going forward, hoping to find the path you seemed to have lost and pray that perhaps you actually find a better one to follow, or you can turn around and weep on your way back home. Either way, you are off course and sometimes you find yourself doing things you love that you never realized you would ever be able to do.

Then there are days, like today, when you wonder if you made the right choice to continue walking forward on the path that you found yourself on so many years before. At first the path looked so promising but even the calmest of seas have their storms, and each night the sun sets, and then there is darkness. It can be eerie and you find yourself walking alone and nothing looks familiar anymore and you wonder if turning around would have led you to your destination quicker. And is turning around now too late? Should you keep moving forward? Keep hoping for a sign, wait for the sun to rise, for the fog to clear?

Perhaps the solution is to find strength in your moment of weakness. To build a fire and create your own light. Maybe it won't stay lit for long, or maybe it will be just enough for you to catch a glimpse of where you are to go from this point, and then again maybe it won't. But truly what else is there to do?

Happy (late) New Year

I realize I have been pretty M.I.A for the last two months but I was trying to emerge myself into getting fit and so I started a fitblr blog and have been giving that a lot more attention than this blog. Actually if you want to check it out its...www.tumblr.com/blog/bitterbridesmaid.

I also realize it is seventeen days late to be posting this, but I saw this a few weeks back and something the other day reminded me of something on this list and I had to find it and repost it. It's honestly great advice.

20 New Years Resolutions for 20 somethings...

1) Before you status update, Tweet, Tumble or Instagram, pause and say to yourself, “is it entirely necessary that I share this morsel of thought with my entire social network?”and if the answer is not, “yes, I absolutely must,” then step away from the Internet.

2) Know which candidate you’re going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, and know why.

3) Enough with the 14-day juice cleanses. If you want to lose a little weight quickly, eat less and exercise like crazy. If you want to lose a lot of weight slowly, do whatever Jennifer Hudson did.

4) If you really like the person you’re hooking up with and would like them to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend, find a way to tell them, and hope for the best. If you don’t and wouldn’t, stop.

5) Find a way to save approximately 300 dollars and spend it on a flight to see a friend or family member who lives far away.

6) Please stop liking the Kardashians, all of them. It’s not helping anyone, least of all the Kardashians.

7) Spend less than or equal to the money you earn each month.

8) Wear clothes that fit you, especially to work.

9) Call someone on the phone at least once a week, and speak to him or her for at least ten minutes.

10) Start preparing now to get over the fact that Facebook is probably going to change again in six months. You’re not going to deactivate your account. You don’t know how.

11) Wait 30 seconds before you look up a fact you can’t remember on your phone, and try to remember it using your brain. This is what the olden days were like.

12) Replace one terrible reality show you’re currently watching with one wonderful scripted show currently available on television. Swap suggestion: Real Housewives of Anywhere for HBO’s Enlightened.

13) Try that food you think you don’t like but have never actually tried, unless it’s brussels sprouts. They really don’t need any more attention.

14) Cut one person out of your life who you truly do not like and add one person who you truly do. Note: not on Facebook, on Earth.

15) If you’re still blacking out regularly, you should stop.

16) Volunteer once over the next 90 days. You’ll feel really good about it, and probably end up volunteering again over the next 275.

17) Tell someone who you love that you love them on a more regular basis. To their face, not in a text.

18) Back up your entire online life onto an external hard drive, especially your photos.

19) Crap or get off the pot. This applies to whatever thing you’re not doing that you should just sack up and do already.

20.) And in the eternal words of Tom Haverford, “TREAT YO SELF!”