The ghost of New Years Present!

IT'S NEW YEARS EVE!

In light of the new year, I have realized how much there truly is left that I want to accomplish. Great goals to carry over to 2011 I suppose. I find myself being so inspired lately. Inspired in journalism, in fitness, in gymnastics surprisingly. It's like I am at this point, here, right now, standing on a bridge smack dab in the center. I can look back and see where I have been and I can look forward and see where I want to go, I just need to begin walking in the right direction.

I've never been one to make new years resolutions. Either it's because I know I will never stick to them, or if it is because I need a plan of action to actually change something. I think that is the hardest part of resolving. You have to create a habit and stick with it constantly until it becomes second nature. And then not beat yourself up when you fall off the wagon one day. For example, my mom wants to take more vitamins. I too, got on this vitamin kick over the summer and purchased a bunch of vitamins, that are sitting in on a kitchen shelf untouched in quite awhile. Taking vitamins is not hard to do. It take two seconds to pop them in your mouth and swallow. It's creating the habit of taking them that becomes so difficult. Because I don't do it everyday or make it a priority, I forget and they go untouched and my body goes without it's Special K.

Since I have been out of school, I have gotten extremely lazy. I don't race around like a chicken with it's head cut off anymore and I find that the more time I have to get things done, the less I actually do. I am more efficient when I have deadlines and time frames and right now I have none. So instead I am in this horrible habit of waking up at 8 am, laying in bed on my lap top until 10 or so, getting into the shower, getting ready and then going to work for 8-10 hours. I come home, crawl back in bed and then poof, laptop is one, "Stranger's with Candy" season 1-3 is watched and I have accomplished nothing! I'm getting annoyed at my own behavior!

So I don't need resolutions because I know what I want to accomplish this next year, I need a solution with how to accomplish them. Solutions that are simple because with school starting I am not going to have much time on my hands. I need a schedule more or less. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to go buy myself a nice Vera Bradley scheduler (I love them, you should check them out!) and then I am going to plan plan plan plan!

First though I'm going to go and organize my apartment. It's a disaster and I need to get rid of the clutter if I am going to be creative!

Over the Rainbow

This is my favorite version of this song. The theme to the song that made him famous is also where you can find this young man, who has passed on due to complications with his obesity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I&feature=player_embedded

A reflection of the past year

As always with this time of year, comes reflection. The year is about to come to an end, a new year is beginning and we often times look back at how we spent the year in disappointment. We focus on things that we didn't do but should have, what we wanted to do but didn't, who we did and most definitely shouldn't have, and sometimes as happy and light bringing in the new year is with champagne and friends, it can also be so depressing and so final. I have always been really hard on myself. An over achiever who just doesn't achieve and I always would reflect on the year past in disbelief and irritation. I shouldn't have wasted so much time, I should have gone this direction, I shouldn't have done that, I should travel here...yada yada yada. Instead, I'm going to try something different in a succession of blogs to come. First and foremost, this will be my ghost of the years past blog. I'm going to write about what I have learned in the past year. What are tribulations without some lessons right? Then I will write about the ghost of the year present, where I am at right now, in this moment and how I at least plan to keep my sanity while I'm stuck here. Then it will be the ghost of the year future! What are my goals, my plans, my solutions (remember last year I said I will no longer make resolutions, it will simply be solution?). Notice how I just dropped the "re" there, clever play on words I know, but totally different meaning! Love the English language.

What I have learned in 2010:

1. You have to live in the present. You are welcome to be excited for the future, but don't spend your days living it. Focus on where you are today and what you need to get done today. You will move forward faster than you think

2. It's okay that I am not June Cleaver. Some days I will have to dig through laundry baskets for a towel, or have to actually wash a plate if I don't want to eat from a paper towel.

3. Most of the time I have no idea what I am doing, and I'm going to forgive myself of this for one more year (26 Michele! You better get it together by 26)!

4. Sometimes you have a bad day. That is why days are only 24 hours long. On these days it is completely appropriate to have wine for dinner and go to bed as early as possible to make the day seem shorter.

5. You should make time for yourself everyday. One day when there is no time for you, you will feel guilty for not taking advantage of that time, so why not feel guilty now while doing it!

6. You do not always have to be doing something. Not doing anything is actually something!

7. You should not attempt to make homemade meals from scratch when you haven't mastered recipes yet.

8. Your time is precious. You need to make time for people that you love but you have to make sure they are worth it. You can't always be putting in the effort.

9. You can always go home again, and there truly is no place like home!

10. Life is about experiences. It isn't about having a lot of money, driving a fancy car, it is about meeting new people, trying new things, and the memories we create while doing so! Love the life you living, because we all die, but not all of us live, and being alive does not mean we are living (yes I stole this from Nikki Minaj! It wouldn't be a 2010 "rap" up if I didn't lol! Uh, love play on words!

Back Online!

YAY! The $30 apple replacement battery from ebay worked! I no longer am tied down by the short cord that must be plugged in for me to use my lap top. This girl is FREE! I can finally go to Starbucks and work without having to fight someone for a seat next to a plug (yes you would be surprised how hot of a commodity is for single working Starbucks people! Can't find one anywhere somedays!)

Comfort

A dream is your creative vision for your life in the future. You must break out of your current comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and the unknown.” ~Dennis Waitley

Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing.” ~Anthony Robbins

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~Corrie Ten Boom

Why are we so afraid of the unknown? Why are we so comfortable, with comfortable? Humans are creatures of habits and I suppose that we get caught up in our lives and the habitual and ritualistic nature of it all. I had to offer myself up some quotes this morning because I became really frustrated in trying to get into a nursing program. I have been trying for over a month to get someone to just meet with me to go over my transcripts with no eval. Of course I could have been more proactive, more demanding, but instead of being so I found myself simply registering for a few class at my old University because it is what I am familiar with and with what I am comfortable. I am excited to move on in life from where I am at the moment and I realize it is going to take baby steps to get there but I just hate how many baby steps it takes.

So goodbye lounging in bed until noon. Goodbye staying up late. Goodbye not having finals or homework. Hello Statistics. Hello cadavers. Hello scalpel. Oh how I have surprisingly missed you!

So I'm no Andy Warhol

I painted these to go with my red and black themed bedroom. I actually got a chance to finish them while I was snowed in. So I'm not an artist? They don't look that bad do they?

My totally delicious (but really gross looking) power smoothie

So this may look like Shrek vomit, but it is actually pretty good. A little bitter because of all the leafy greens (I mean chlorophyll isn't all that appetizing), but it's really good for you and you can make it at home. Organic Avenue is amazing, but I can't afford $250 for 5 days of juice (I would if I could Organic Avenue, but that's my car payment)! So here is my own version!

1 cup baby spinach

1 cup romaine lettuce

1/4 cup of Avocado

1 green apple

1 lime

1 lemon

1/2 cucumber

Put into blender or juicer and away you go! I added a packet of splenda to make it a little sweeter, but try not to add too much sugar. It's supposed to be healthy!

Cross something else off the bucket list!

It's official. I now have something to actually train for. I can't believe I signed up for this, as I am not a runner, nor a racer, but I have been peer pressured into registering for the Warrior Dash. I have six months to get my butt into shape for this race. So I have been googling and realized the best way to train for something like this is cross fit training and not as much running as I thought I would need. More circuit training. Which is difficult to do in the winter, but I am going to try. I think I just need to utilize my actual gym more since we have everything I could possibly need to get in shape for something like this.

www.warriordash.com

Check it out! I'm totally excited for the viking hat! Add beer, and this race is right up my alley!

Feel like a kid again!

Due to the snow, I have not been outside of my apartment for 28 full hours now. I have never been home (with the exception of being sick), so long in my life and it feels amazing. I painted, cleaned, cooked cupcakes, watched a million movies, wrote, put away laundry, gave myself a manicure. I still feel like I wasted a ton of time, but WHO CARES!!! IT'S A SNOW DAY!!

Nightmares

I had a dream last night that I was "let go" from my job. The dream felt so real. The words spoken by my boss, the actions in the dream, were all things that they would do. That was the scariest part, I truthfully could see this dream happening. I came into work. I worked half a day and then Sally called me into the office. She told me that they were going to go a different direction with team. They were bringing in a director that applied to their add (I thought they were only seeking part time help). They were, she explained, until this man applied and he is coming in tonight and taking over your job. I was welcome to stay onboard but it would be part time and my entire staff was going to be fired. Girls moved around and what not. I quit on the spot. I told them I gave up three different offers for them. Better offers. I realized they didn't care. All is fair in business and at the end of the day, no matter how much time you may spend with a company, no matter how much you do, no matter how many hours you work, at the end of the day they will just toss you out on your ass to suit their needs.

Makes me realize, that all of this stress and worry is not worth it. I need to think about myself and what I want for my life. Because if they are only thinking about themselves, and I am only thinking about them, who is left to think about me?

what to do what to do!

It's not that I have been particularly busy, not too busy to write by any means. I have simply been going through what I can describe as some sort of a depression. However, I believe I may have shaken it during my 15 hours of sleep last night! Yes I'm not kidding. I crawled into bed at 5:30 pm and left the warmth of my comforter once between then and 8:00 am this morning to grab a glass of water and use the bathroom. I did not eat dinner, I didn't unpack, I didn't clean, I just slept. Well I did wake up around nine to watch Sweet Home Alabama but then I cried myself asleep again until this morning. But I woke up rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. I cleaned my apartment, unpacked, danced around to a little Katy Perry. I paid bills, I read my book, I sent an email out to volunteer at an art therapy gallery, wrote my editor and paid them my critique fee (game on book, game on!) and I am now at Starbucks finally blogging enjoying a peppermint latte!

I'm a little worried about the three meetings I have today at work. Basically I am giving giving giving and they are taking taking taking. I read some of the response emails from parents and their concerns have nothing to even do with me, which I think made me more angry. I am doing everything I can but in a place that big it is not good enough if we don't act as a team. Their complaints; I'm not coaching their kids (sorry there are 75 of you and I already work 60 hours a week), Not getting enough time on equipment (Anna made the schedule and squashed us in there despite my objections), and they aren't getting ballet training (something Sally promised to provide them with). How am I supposed to fix problems when it has nothing to do with me?

So I got online and looked for a new job and lo and behold what did I find. A team opening at the most prestigious club in the state, probably one of the top five in the region. Needing someone with my fortay and guess what, offering $10,000 more than what I'm making now, plus full benefits (dental and vision), oh AND a 401K!!! The catch? It's in Columbus. I'm one conflicted girl right now.

Now that I got my groove back, you can expect me to write a little more. It was sooo nice to spend the holiday in Chicago at my sister's. Despite the fact that my brother can drive me to the point of wanting to kick puppies, it was still exactly what I needed for a few days. Clear my head and make me realize in the scheme of things, all this stress is simply not important to focus on. Life is a one way ticket. We are all on board to eventually reach the same destination. Though some of us choose to take different paths to get there, we're all going to the same place. So why on Earth am I spending all of my energy at a thankless job? You know what I would love more than anything? An empty room. With a heater. And then a small addition painted in neon colors with a jungle and ocean wall. Moms can come in, take a hot yoga class and during the time they are in their yoga class they can drop their kids off for a gymnastics class. And me, I would sit in my office and write. Take two hot yoga classes a day and peep into the gym when needed. Be my own boss, love what I do and make a killing. I think what I need is a little focus. I have what I am calling SADD, success attention deficit disorder. There is so much that I want to do with my life and I just have to focus on one goal at a time, but there is just so much I want to do I simply can't. Some may call me ambitious, but they are just being nice. I just have SADD and don't know how to focus it.

Stagnant

Life seems to often times be like a train on rails. When it is moving in the right direction, everything is going according to plan, running perfectly. But when the train starts to go off course, it can't simply stop, turn around and go back to its original direction. It has to keep going, off roading, so to speak, down a new path in hopes that this new direction will lead itself somewhere similar to the original destination.

How is it that life has a tendency to get off track so easily? And why is it that when you finally realize you feel yourself heading in an unknown direction do you often times try to put on the brakes only to find that they are not working? You have no choice but to keep moving until suddenly you wake up one day, sufficating, unsure, vulnerable, apprehensive and confused and praying that you can hold on, ride through and hope there is not an end to the tunnel you have found yourself submitting to?

This is how my life has felt lately. Of course. I'm not sure if I am making good decisions for my life. Was it a good idea to postpone school? Is it a good choice to be married to my job? To not have time for yourself? To come home so exhausted, the only thoughts that go through your mind are eat dinner, fall in bed and lay awake for hours pondering these questions that have no answers?

A friend of mine was recently in the hospital. After ruling out cancer, they found out that she is fine, but it made me start to question life in general. At the age of 25, if I had a diagnoses that I would die in less than five years, would I be happy with what I have accomplished? The answer was no. And then an even harder question came up; what are you waiting for? A husband? Or a boyfriend to share things with? Why? For your job to offer you more validation? I come up with every excuse; I can't take off work, there is no one to go with, there is not enough time, not enough money, not enough of me to go around the list of responsibilities I have to do and the ones I want to do.

I need to find my motivation. I need to stop making excuses and I need to just DO THINGS! Now that my mom is not working, maybe I will drag her to some exotic locations. Have some fun. Enjoy some more experiences. That is when I am truly happy, when I am experiencing new things, stepping outside of my comfort zone. Not when life has become stagnant and stale and boring.

Tomorrow is "put yourself together Wednesday." Get most of the things done I typically have been saving for a day off. And on my day off on Friday I am going to enjoy something new and experience something different. I may have to google this one, but I'm going to do it!

Have you seen my motivation?

So I obviously haven't updated in a while because quite frankly I have seemed to have lost my motivation. I haven't even been motivated to update my facebook, so don't feel too neglected. My motto lately has been, "why do today what I can put off til tomorrow?" I don't even feel like working today. Probably because I prefer to put off all my work until the day before my day off so I have so much to do I am frantically running around my office like a chicken with my head cut off. It's fun, you should try it. Plus the big boss thinks you are extremely motivated and determined, so I feel it's a win win.

Atikin's diet update: I'm still eating healthy for the most part. I do eat carbs before and after my workouts but spend the majority of the day eating healthy and no carb. Which let me tell you, is a pain in the ass with as much Halloween candy floats around work this time of year.

Dating update: Hmmm what dating life? Ann and I rejoined match. Though skeptical, I wasn't dating after that and so I thought, hmm round 2? Which is proving to be just as unsuccessful as round one. I mean, I don't pretend to understand why I am this amazing one date wonder (I should have went as that for halloween! Maybe next year). I mean getting a date is not a problem, it's getting a second date. I think I'm charming and attractive, but obviously my dates aren't feeling the same way. You can only come up with so many excuses (he has ex issues, commitment issues, maybe he's gay?) Pretty soon I'm going to have to face the fact that maybe I am just destined to live alone in a small tiny one bedroom apartment (that I still want to turn into a walk in closet), and pretend like I'm okay with having no husband, no children and a bunch of non existent cats. I've been dating since I was fifteen! Where is he hiding already?

The more I date, the more I realize how much I am married to my job and how much I do not want my job to define who I am. I need some new hobbies. Better yet I need some time for those hobbies.

Well I need to go teach my class, and count down the hours until I can go home and lay in my comfortable bed and read L.A Candy (by Lauren Conrad), a horrible excuse for a book. Even the writing is poorly done. You would have thought that MTV would have been able to pay for a better editor. Nonetheless, it's a hobby I do, read and obsessively check my match because if you have ever been on a social networking site, you know, it's addicting.

Atkin's Day 6

Can't believe it's been 6 days. I've been doing really well. I'm eating the same things a lot but really it's not that bad. I did cheat. I had an apple today and I had some Special K the other day, but that's it. It's weird thinking I cheated by eating a fruit and some low calorie diet cereal but I'm not supposed to have any carbs. Still I have found myself only eating three meals a day. Also I am not hungry. I don't feel any need to snack in between meals, especially on chips or anything. I'm really not even craving chocolate or anything sweet anymore. I cut down my coffee to drinking light coffee in the morning and not all throughout the day. Coupled with my cute personal trainer who kicks my ass, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere and feel great. I'll continue to keep you updated!

I bought myself a man in a blue polo today

So apparently my quarter life crisis involves crash diets, shopping and spending a whole lot of money that I don't have. I got suckered in to purchasing myself a personal trainer today. Ah if only getting a boyfriend were that easy. I will see him once a week for three months and then every other week for months 4-6 and then once a month for months 7-12. Huh, sounds like a pretty amazing relationship to me. Just one that I pay quite a bit of money for.

However, I realized after session one, that I am working out entirely wrong and have to revamp my workout and this atkin's diet is not good. Well I'm still going to follow the atkin's because I spent 100 in groceries the other day but I'm excited. As sick as I feel for how much money I dropped today, I'm still really excited about the idea of this. I think that it will actually work which is what I'm praying for. At least I have someone else to blame if it doesn't.

Atkin's Day 2

So I just spent my morning doing an arm and ab workout. I wanted to sleep in this morning so I skipped the gym and worked out a little at home, but I am planning on hitting the gym after work tonight. Goal is a 30 minute run plus a leg workout.

I also spent the morning cooking my meals for the day. This is what is on the menu for Wednesday. Yes it's repetitive, but it still looks pretty good.

Breakfast: 2 Eggs scrambled and turkey bacon. Plus two cups of decaf coffee

Lunch: Grilled chicken salad with tomato, hard boiled egg and feta

Dinner: Turkey Burger on Romaine lettuce with 1 tbsp of mayo and blue cheese with asparagus cuts

If you also noticed, this diet does not allow you to eat fruit. Due to the fact that fruit contains natural sugars which turn into fat in your body. Fruit is the carb I will introduce back into my diet after 10 days, but fruits lower in sugar like apples, blueberries etc.

Atkin's Breakfast Day 1

So my boss, the office girl and myself have decided to do the Atkin's Diet, excuse me, the NEW Atkin's diet for 10 days. It's not so much new as much as he has just added the word to the cover of his book. You still can only eat Meat and vegetables and for 10 days you really can't have things that don't even have carbs. Like no nuts, no sugar, no nothing. However, the food you do get to eat, I love, so I don't see this being a problem. I like eggs and turkey bacon. I love egg salad. I love grilled chicken salad and chinese vegetable (minus the corn because you can't have corn or carrots, or green beans yada yada yada).

So we're taking this 10 day challenge to jump start our weight loss which comes at perfect timing, in conjunction with my new Urban Active membership and tanning package. I never stick to anything. So I decided for the next ten days to blog about my weight loss woes, and to write down what I eat and what I did at the gym, so I can go back and be like, oh look, this is why you still have a spare tire, you never got off your ass!

Day 1 observations at my gym:

So Urban Active is typically not the type of gym that you go to, to lose weight. Everyone there is either already fit and prance around in their spandex and tight shirts. Men walk around, barely able to put down their arms, their pecs busting out of their cut off. It's intimidating. Especially when you can look around and be like, yea I used to have an ass like that (in kindergarten), and yea my stomach looks like that, if I suck mine in so tight and hold my breath so long that I risk brain damage.

I go tanning as soon as I walk into the gym. For one thing, I have never done a stand up bed before. I don't understand them. Why stand up and tan when you can lay down and tan? I would choose the lay down option any day of the week. But this is a fitness club and you're supposed to be doing calf raises or bicep curls or something while you tan. I realized that going tanning before the workout was a great idea. Full length mirrors. Even worse, full length mirrors that show every ripple in your skin. I didn't realize that gaining 20 pounds in a month would be pure fat (I mean really I thought a little bit of that might have been some muscle). But no, pure cellulite, fat rolls, dimples, everything. Looks like all the ingredients I need for a pie. So note to self. Don't look in mirror for next ten days when tanning.

First is the right choice of location for your cardio equipment. I choose the treadmill that overlooks the parking lot so that I can see if any guy I've dated is on his way in so I can run and hide in the movie room.

Then it's trying to run next to a girl with legs for days, blond and who smells like lilacs and rosemary while I'm there in a sweatshirt and smell of burnt flesh. Gotta start somewhere I suppose. Goal: To be THAT girl at the gym. The one that comes up and is so hot and fit you want to cower and cry but really it just motivates you a little more.

I ended up running 30 minutes at a 4.5 pace and I did abs. For food, I had egg substitutes (2 eggs) with 4 slices of turkey bacon. Lunch was egg salad salad on Romaine lettuce with asparagus spears. Dinner was Shrimp stir fry (no rice), and a side salad with tomato, feta cheese and raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

I also drank 4 20oz water bottles and had two cups of decaf coffee in the morning with Splenda.

I wasn't hungry at all last night or during the day. The hard part not snacking out of habit. I have realized I simply delight in the taste of good food. I love chocolate, I love my Special K cereal. Ok I'm done, talking about it makes me want it. But I don't NEED it. I just want these things. But this is the difference between a skinny person and someone like me. They don't indulge themselves all the time. I can't do that anymore I'm not 16! Besides If I don't stick to this diet, all I am eating is just fat, and I won't be burning off any carbs and I risk potentially gaining weight at first.

Day 2 tomorrow. I'll keep you updated!

I want I want I want

I just want to sell my car and live in a city where I can take the Subway to work everyday. I want to wake up and have to actually think about matching my clothes with my shoes instead of debating on if I should change from pajamas into gym wear because they are technically the same thing anyway.

I want someplace to wear all of my fancy shoes too. Instead they just sit in my closet and collect dust. And yet I still keep buying more.

I just really want this new job and the longer I go without hearing from them, the longer my faith is dwindling.

I hate Mondays

Apparently my quarter-life crisis involves protein shakes; $50 a month gym memberships and a hatred for anything other just sitting on my couch and doing whatever I want to do!!!

Kids say the Darnest Things!

I was teaching class last night and this little girl looks at me and says "Were you in the movie Hitch?"

I of course say no and she replies "You look JUST like her. You are so pretty Miss. Michele!"

I wanted to take this girl home and just have her compliment me all day!

Now I don't see it: but this is probably the thousandth time I have gotten this comparison and I am beyond flattered. I want to look like this...guess my face is at least on the right track! lol

Halloween Costume Hunting Time!

It's that time of year again! By far my favorite time of year! Halloween Time! Which also means; Halloween costume time! So It's decision time; something I am very bad with...but I've narrowed it down to Sexy fairytales or sexy gasta or a ballerina, equipped with the pointe shoes and all!

Black loafers and the morning paper

So minus the slippers I am actually wearing as shoes at the moment; what my feet get cold and I left my black flip flops at work (note to self: invest in cute pair of black ballet flats). I do look mighty fresh faced today. My skin has finally cleared up, I have a glow, my typical glow of happiness that I have finally gotten back after a short week of "depression."

So here I am, showing nice cleavage in my yoga top, hair pulled back, smile and glow plastered to my face, when I walk into my Starbucks and see this adorable dark haired gentleman make eye contact with me as I walk in the door.

He's not gorgeous, but mature. Good looking nonetheless. A man. Being of age now, I should be dating Men not Boys but I realize I'm at that awkward age. Too young to be dating mid-thirties or forties but too old to be considering someone my own age. I gafaw at the thought!

I loved his hair, loved loved loved. The kind of hair you could picture your fingers running through when you are trying to be flirtatious. The kind of hair you brush out of his face when you are trying to be sincere, and the kind of hair you grab and tug on playful when you are; uh well you know.

I could have gone without the black canvas loafers though, but his jeans were great and then again who was I to judge, I was wearing suede furry SLIPPERS to starbucks (what I'm going to a ballet class)!

This mysterious Starbucks man gets up and starts to gather his things, looking nervous. I know this look. He is going to come talk to me. He is going to come say hi and I am starting to feel coy, oh wait that's just the sweat beginning to form on my brow.

Just as his things are gathered and he is walking my way....RRRRIIIINNNNNGGGG. Oh of course I am getting a phone call right now. Oh and of course it's work! My boss would be calling. I mean it's not like work doesn't hinder me from having a normal relationship enough as it is. What am I talking about, hinder, if hinder means not allowing!

So I missed my opportunity to talk to cute Starbucks guy. I guess that is just the way life goes. I am starting to realize that God truly does not ever give you more than you can handle in life, and I think at this moment I probably could not handle a relationship. He must know something I don't know and I think I am just going to have to trust it.

A break in the Monotony!

For starters, I am feeling a little bit more like myself these days. The last two days I have gotten up before dawn and gone to the gym, leaving me time to come home, take a nap, make breakfast, shower and even enjoy an hour at Starbucks blogging and shopping online even though I truly don't need to be doing either of the two. I now see why exercise makes you so happy. You feel a little more accomplished. I have done an hour workout two days in a row and that was the hard part, now I'll almost feel guilty if I don't go!

Now for the bad part, Urban has totally suckered me in. I love it so much better than my gym. So much so that I am going to cancel my membership at my current gym and just join Urban. It's a little farther but they have so much more to offer. However, I have to play it cool, make them think that they NEED my membership, not the other way around. That way I can work out the best deal. Like no contract.

So I went to Giant Eagle this morning to pick up cereal and some snacks and sugar free candies since I am still addicted to sweet food but trying to give it up on the hunt for a new body. I mean I was able to give up sugar for lent, you would think I could do it for the majority of my week, but for some reason I am completely struggling with this. But I go to the self checkout because all I have is some Special K (SCORE! 4 boxes for 10 bucks!), and apples, salad, milk (yes I actually bought a small thing of milk!) and what not, and I swear every 5 seconds the thing stopped and I had to have someone come help me anyway. So much for "self" checkout.

Good news is, the power is out at work! No work until it comes back on! Thankfully I was still at Starbucks when this discovery was made and now I don't have to go in until later! Half a day for me! So excited! I'll tell you what, this has been a Wednesday full of great things so far! Maybe my gray clouds are beginning to part and the sun will soon begin to shine! Maybe all I needed to see this was to change my attitude and my outlook a little bit!

"Everything is gonna be alright," serenading me at Starbucks right now!

Have a great Wednesday!

Ugh life

Maybe it is in the change in the weather. The way the leaves are falling so suddenly. They way that life just seems to be so different over night. Either way I am in a funk I cannot seem to get out of. I have lost my motivation, my desire and my spirit. I have no sense of humor, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to talk to anyone. All I want it to take care of myself. A little time to get life together and figure out what I want and what my next move should be.

I have now reached mid-twenty. Beginning to lose my youth and starting to have to grow up when each day I am trying to figure out what growing up even means. Does growing up mean having a car payment, an apartment, a marriage, kids, divorced? Wearing the latest fashions and coming home to the smell of inscents and dinner in the crock pot? Is this grown up?

I'm in my mid twenties and have never felt so lost. I suppose that is why I am taking this birthday so hard. I woke up and realized that yesterday I loved my life and today I hate it. I hate my job. I hate that I work more than 40 hours a week. I hate that I took a semester off school to find myself, i'm 25 I should already have been found. I hate that I only have one day off a week. I hate that I live in a tiny ass apartment where I have to squeeze my new car into the worst parking spot in the lot. I hate that I have adult acne and doctors can't seem to do a thing for me even though I have spent $500 in doctor bills for their help. I am the heaviest I have ever been with weight I cannot lose. My pants don't fit but I hate how I couldn't wear them if they did because I have to wear sweats to work anyway.

But them I stop and think to myself. Michele, will changing all of this really make you happy? I am letting my discontent with life take over my life and who I am. I am becoming sad and cynical and that is just not me. I feel so out of control right now. All I wan is a little bit of control over my life again.

Woohoo it's my 21st!

So It's finally here. And on top of having a sore throat and no motivation and kicking myself in the ass for picking up this extra job on my days off and on a Sunday; it is officially my 25th birthday. Now I realize that it is any other day and it is nothing special, life moves on, so what I am another day older; I am having a really hard time dealing with the significance of my birthday today.

It seems that no matter how far I have come, I am still in some ways so behind. Perhaps I need to change my attitude; embrace getting older and welcome a new chapter and new possibilities but for the moment I am being nostalgic and self centered. One; this is my first birthday since I was 14 that I am spending single. Yes, ten years of relationships and NOW I am finally alone, at an age where marriage and kids naturally seems like the next step in life. Depressing birthday fact number one. Two; I have to work. My idiotic idea to make extra money to make my car payment each month. I hate the job. I mean it's not that it is that bad but it is six hours of non stop teaching and I don't particularly like teaching anymore. It's all I've known and all I love and now I simply don't truly care. Plus it is a Sunday; a rainy Sunday and my depressing birthday. All I want to do is lay in bed and relax and watch movies. Go for a run, just do what I want. I want to organize my life. Feng Shui my closet. Put my 25 years of life together! Maybe then I would feel better.

My motivation is dwindling. I will write more later. Maybe.

Starting the TA next week!

I have been wanting to try her method for well over a year now. I just saw last night that she has come out with a book and I pre-ordered it last night on Amazon. It was only $15, which is a lot cheaper than her box set of DVD's which is $100.00. Her method, coupled with my new 30 day Urban Active pass was a sign from above saying "Michele, it's only 30 days. Change your life in 30 days! You can do it!

Her book should be here on Tuesday so I will blog about my journey!

randoms

Some things I have learned about life:

The people in your life are placed in your path for a reason. Some will stay for a season, and some will remain for a lifetime. You should cherish those relationships either way.

Luck is established when preparation meets persistence.

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

...and you finish off as an orgasm.”

You need to constantly be planing, know your next move, know what you want in life. Things don't just fall into place for people, good things happen to those that go after the things they want to experience in life. Time is of the essence. You will always want more of it, you will always be fighting it and you will always lose it.

is it possible?

I received a random text message from a friend of mine the other day that simply said..."Some of the best relationships begin as booty calls." Is it possible do you think? I will elaborate more on this later as I am currently sitting at a restaurant waiting for my always late boss.

Ask and you shall receive!

Ask and you shall receive I believe is the correct phrase. I said I needed a job and lo and behold, that day my friend tells me that they need help on Sundays from 1-8. Perfect! So I applied. Hopefully I will get it, which I will, because I am overly qualified for the position and hello car payment money and hello extra shopping, er I mean savings money each month!

I also applied for a fantastic position in Indianapolis. Yes, it's far. Yes I will have to quit my current job. Yes I will have to move. But it comes with domestic and international travel. Dream job! Even though I am nowhere near qualified for it, I hope they at least consider me!

New new new!

I need another job. Not because I need more money. Not because I cannot make my rent or my car payment but because I am simply selfish. I want to buy more clothing and feed my ever need to shop shop shop until I drop. I cannot help that I have an insatiable appetite for things I do not need in all aspects of my life. I cannot wait until I can one day afford many things I do not need such as alice and olivia dresses, prada bags and marc jacobs aviators. Life has simply become stale at the moment. I am stuck in a rut and am not sure which direction to go to dig myself out of it. I am lonely but do not particularly feel like dating. I am overweight but do not particularly feel like busting my ass for hours a day at the gym. I am unmotivated but don't even know which direction to begin to motivate myself to forward any career I potentially have in mind for myself. Perhaps it is because I have become such a planner. I am anticipating life in the future and know what is in store is loan re-payments, car payments, house mortgages and endless fertility treatments to bear children that I may not particularly even want at the time. So maybe my being un-motivated is my way of just taking a breather. I am enjoying being broke, dreaming of fancy things. Coming home to a sink full of dishes. Going to the gym early in the morning because who am I kidding, I want that body. Because I know I need to get right with myself before I can begin getting right with anyone else.

So here and now I am making a pact with myself. The purpose of me buying new clothes is because mine don't fit right now. Well this body that I am in is not my body nor the body that I want. So I am not going to buy any new clothes until I lost at least the weight that I have put on. Not only will I have more of a wardrobe selection but then I won't waste money on buying fat pants when I don't plan on being fat.

I am also going to give up men. As my best friend said to me last night..."Michele, boys and shopping are not hobbies." She is right. They are simply something to pre-occupy my time. Well I can find a lot more valuable things to occupy my time. Like my singles' list and becoming a gym junkie. Because that is what I am going to do; become a gym junkie. Stop donating to the gym and use that money I spend every month. Get my body back, look amazing, have more clothes and thus more men! Brilliant. It's no wonder skinny girls have so much fun. But my goal is not to be skinny, it is to be fit. Madonna arms without the veins, Carrie underwood legs in the cut off jeans and Ciara's stomach fit with the slight indintation of the "v" I admire so much on the opposite sex.

Since I am taking a semester off of school and just working, really what else do I have to do. This will be my project semester. Get right with myself September, October, November, December. I am excited for where this new path may eventually leave.

Expectations

It is not the actions of others or occurances that let us down, it is our own expectations. Let me explain. Sometimes when we want something in life, we tend to fantasize about it. We recreate scenarios in our minds of what we will do when we accomplish this goal, what we will say. Often times we create the most pristine image. The most surreal. We re-create feelings and emotions. We play out others reactions and responses. How exciting it will be. But when we reach what we have dreamed of, it often times is not what we had pictured in our minds. We are so often quick to blame the people associated with our vision. They didn't do this, they acted this way. In reality we set the bar too high for ourselves sometimes. We play it up too much in our minds. So much so that it is our own expectations that begin to let us down.

What I am proposing is to walk through life with no expectations at all. Do not go into a store expecting to find the perfect pair of pants. Do not wake up in the morning and expect to look perfect. Do not expect him to call. Do not expect others to create happy memories for you. Instead look at each day as a blessing and a new opportunity to create memories for yourself that you did not think were possible. Look at each moment as an opportunity to respond and not react. Perhaps then we can lead our own lives under the direction of our hearts and not with our minds. It's more fun that way anyway!

A photograph says a thousand words...

This girl is by far one of my favorite photographers. She is an amateur from England. I love following her on flickr because I love her photographs. Check her out!

http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=bella+kotak

Stuck like glue!

Had a great day with my Breezy elmo-sizing and enjoying the beautiful fall weather! She showed me the new Sugarland video and I absolutely love it! This girl is adorable!

Yay for time off!

Yay for five days off! I am completely looking forward to relaxing and doing whatever I want for the next five days. Well I'm going to spend today doing whatever I want and actually making a to do list of things I need to get done. I don't get anything done without lists, which is a little pathetic but at least I am willing to admit to my semi A.D.D nature.

So big news! I BOUGHT A CAR! My very first brand new car and I am a mess of mixed emotions. I love the car. I love to be in the car. I want to drive everywhere in the car. Read the manual, figure out all it's bells and whistles, get to know it inside and out. I have entered into a long committed relationship with this car that I hope will last a minimum of 6 years because that is when it will be paid off. Unless I happen to meet a doctor who falls in love with me and pays it off in less time, which would be even greater! However, even though I know I will be fine in making the payments, it is a HUGE purchase. I mean an 18,000 dollar purchase. Something I do not take lightly and something I unfortunately had to do without much thought since the bumper car took a shit on me, was not driveable and I needed a car within a weeks time. So one thing crossed off my new life list for the year.

I have to say that this year has been an absolute whirlwind. Sometimes you think that your life is so stagnant when you are caught up in a routine. Wake up, go to work, come home, clean go to bed do it all again. It isn't until you look back on your year that you realize how much you have changed and how much you have accomplished. I was reflecting on my life the other day and I am at a loss with how much life has changed for me in a years time.

Since October of last year I have done so many things which include the following: A life changing break up; moving into my very own apartment; getting a promotion and a raise at work; writing and starting the process of publishing my first book; buying my new car; losing lovers; losing friends; making new friends. And soon to add to that; changing schools and careers. This technically has all been done in less than a years time. It's exciting and I can't wait to see what my quarter life crisis year has in store for me!

More later...gotta go get a workout in!

I want I want; no I need I need!

Oh my gosh! I want this so bad for my apartment! It would be the absolute perfect addition to my teeny tiny bedroom! I want a desk and work station so very badly but couldn't find one that would actually fit in such a small apartment, but this would be perfect. I think I am going to save up money and buy this for myself!

http://www.crateandbarrel.com/furniture/bookcases-cabinets/sloane-grey-leaning-desk-with-2-bookcases/s652469

Quarter Life Crisis birthday goals

He is gone because I told him to leave. I wanted him to be off of my mind. It is funny how all it took was for me to finally put my foot down and tell my heart that we were not going to let him in; that we were not going to let him upset up anymore. Just like that he was gone and I have never felt better about my decision. I need a new list. A new list of things that I want to accomplish in the next year. I have decided that when it comes to dating I have been too proactive. The act of meeting someone and falling in love is an act of faith and of fate. You have to allow yourself to fall and you have to essentially be at the right place at the right time and be in the right moment to allow yourself to meet someone. Looking back; all of my successful relationships and even the ones that were not so successful have occurred in this way; at random; a pure act of fate or coincidence, but either way they were not forced. We met randomly, fell in love and that was that. As of late, it is the forced relationships that are not working out and are leaving me empty handed. The people that friends are setting me up with, the people I have met online. Because that is not how love is supposed to work. It is supposed to be about that random guy who buys you a cup of coffee in the morning at your local starbucks. It is about that moment you share with a friend when the two of you submit to one another and take your relationship to the next level. It is about the phone calls when you least expect it and never will you feel forced nor feel that the relationship is being forced in anyway because you don't have friends are a dating site hoping that it works out when the both of you know that that is not particularly what either of you want.

So I have given up on dating. I have plenty of nice guy friends whom of which I can call up and say, hey let's go to a movie tonight, or let's go dancing etc. So here are my goals for the next year. From this date and I will hopefully look back and realized that I accomplished them. It's the Quarter Life Crisis birthday coming up in two months! Time for me to feel good about my life.

Quarter Life Crisis Goals for the next year:

1. Buy a new car (or gently used will suffice).

2. Complete 5 more things on my "single's list."

3. Travel to Bali

4. Should probably get my passport then to complete #3

5. Lose 20lbs (yes 20!!!) and then run naked through the streets of Cleveland (haha ok not that part but I will do something to embrace being so damn sexy)!

6. Launch my Dear Jose website to solidify a publisher paying top price for that manuscript!

7. Go back to school

8. Write another book

9. Have a State Championship team!

10. Have my dream apartment (like get organized and make it look live-able!)

More for later...even though those are pretty big goals, hopefully I can come up with more than 10 I would like to complete in the next year!

Oh Hump Day!!

It is a Wednesday morning. Hump day. The most depressing day of the week they say. There are still three full work days ahead yet the weekend is lingering ever so close enough for you to almost smell the freedom. I find myself being extra contemplative on Wednesdays. Maybe it's because Monday and Tuesday are typically such a whirlwind that by Wednesday I finally have time to take a breath and reflect on the weekend, on the two work days completed and in the past and I can plan out the remainder of the week.

Today I am contemplating about change. Why are we so resistant to it? To something new? Something different and out of our comfort zone. I woke up at 6:25 before my alarm went off because I dreamt about work. About how to be a more organized person, a go getter. My plan was to wake up that early, shower and head into the college to try and schedule for fall classes. As I am driving, nervously, worried about navigating through downtown on a busy depressing Wednesday, I hear on the radio how backed up traffic is and I suddenly found myself in a panic. Here I am, driving on an unknown path to an unknown location, no money in my pocket for parking and it was the first time I realized that my small town life of the past was about to directly collide with my desire to have a fast paced city lifestyle.

I turned around. I was lost. In a literal sense but also figuratively speaking. I don't think I am ready. Am I ready to leave the comfort of knowing where my car was driving me too each morning, I knew which parking lot provided the easiest access to which building and now I would be leaving that to wonder around a big city alone without help, helpless. I have taken many steps this year that have stretched me far beyond my comfort zone. I moved to a city where I didn't know anyone. I relocated for a job that is not recession proof and as valuable as I am to that company it is a business that could shut it's doors on any day (she has been in business 28 years so I don't see this happening but still). I tried online dating, which though proved to be unsuccessful in finding a soulmate, I tried it. I put myself out there and opened myself up to new experiences.

Funny, as I am sitting in Starbucks, my Starbucks, the one I am comfortable in, the song playing is singing the melody "I don't want to take this trip alone." How iconic. Because that is what I am doing right now; I am left to take these trips alone. Perhaps this is where preparation and life need to come together more harmoniously.

So what is the next step at this point? Hashing it out here I have decided that I am still going to navigate myself into the college this morning; but I am going to do so at my pace and I am going to wait a semester to attend school. Get some affairs in order and feel better about life. Because if there is anything I have learned in my experience it is that when you are rushing to fit stuff into your life that is when you irrationally make mistakes that put you farther behind then if you would have just given yourself more time. Besides, I am in no rush. I am comfortable in my life at the moment. I have a book deal to work out and I have weight to shed and I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I need to catch up on life. On my life. On the things I love and enjoy. I need to keep reminding myself that it is not how long it takes you to arrive to your destination, it is how you enjoyed the road to get there. You are never lost, you are simply taking the scenic route!

Great little Saturday planned...maybe a trip to the home depot!

So minus the fact that I am totally depressed because I have seriously gained 20 pounds in two months time! Yea, not kidding. Something is wrong. Going to the doctor on Thursday for blood work and I am hoping to find a reason for this weight fluctuation. Going up and down from a size 4 to a size 8 is not healthy nor is it good for my fashion sense. Not to mention the fact that I am working out more than I ever have in my life and not seeing even a smidge of a result and only another roll on my rock hard abs underneath all that pudge. It'd be one thing if I didn't eat healthy or spend 8 hours a day on my feet actually working in a gym...but I do and I am so depressed. I should be model thin with as active as I am! Oh well, hopefully nothing is seriously wrong, and hopefully I an feel sexy and firm by my twenty fifth birthday a little over a month a way.

Nonetheless I am enjoying myself a wonderful weekend. I went home after work last night. I made dinner and relaxed. Today I worked a few hours and then I went and go Vespa Spa'd. Actually am really happy with the results too! It's so much better than a mystic. This machine even dries you! And you can breathe in it because it doesn't have doors and the solution runs off quickly so you are not standing in a puddle of bronzer so you're feet don't get all messed up. I'm going to go and dye my own hair back dark. I'm over the blonde. I'm over the dry ends and over the summer feeling. I'm ready for fall, for sweaters and boots and the leaves to change colors. Summer is coming to an end and I feel like I have had a fun summer but my laying out and boating days are behind me for the season and it's time to charge ahead into the feeling of productivity that fall brings. Back to school, back to the work grind and back to being able to sleep with the windows open and save some electricity!

Tonight is the Greek festival and I am going salsa dancing with some friends from work. Free lessons at nine...no cover until ten and FREE SUSHI! I love this city sometimes!

Home!

AH home. My sister is in town for the day because she is headed to the Carolina's so I came back to my parents house tonight to stay over so I could see her for a few hours before she is gone for vacation and then back to Chicago.

Life has been so busy lately and so much has happened in the last week. To break it down the following has occurred.

Friday night...Cristian came to visit me; we had a great night. Makes me wonder why I won't just date him. Oh yea he lives in Cinci

Saturday night...Roverfest. So much drama with the fighter being sick and then me giving away his ticket and then him randomly showing up at my apartment and me being angry because he is always doing things like this to be.

Sunday...birthday party with some kids I used to coach and broke up with fighter

Monday...regretting my decision but nonetheless sticking to it, being in the worst mood ever and working 13 hours

Tuesday...appointment at car dealership where guy helping me out has poster of fighter staring at me the entire time I am talking to him; God has sense of humor

Wednesday...worked 13 more hours; think I'm having a breakdown

Today...ah relaxing. Grocery shopping, shopping, work for a little bit.

Weekend plans...NONE!!! I'm going to chill out; clean my apartment. Go to the art gallery. Do whatever the F I feel like!

So that about sums it up. More thoughts later. I'm too tired right now to think!

So want this!

Really considering ordering this new flip cam. It is waterproof, nearly indistructable and it's on sale. Plus it's our anniversary! And it's purple and cute! I am spent the last year documenting my life with blogging, writing, my digi so maybe now it's time to add video to life! With all this new technology I mean it's hard not to want to jump on the bandwagon!

Happy Anniversary!

I'm so sorry. I have been so wrapped up in my own life that I haven't even had time to think about it let alone talk about it or blog about it!

Happy Anniversary! I did it! Bucket List Item #12, continue my blog for an entire year! Hard to believe that miss terrified of commitment actually stuck to something consistently for an entire year. Makes a lot of goals seem attainable. Like my new P90X goal...90 days I can do it! (Maybe).

Life in the past year has really changed in hindsight. I moved out of my fabulous loft apartment, in with my parents and back out to my own place in Cleveland. MY OWN! No roommate, no boyfriend. Another really big change in my life. I am single single single. Still working at the same company but actually got a raise finally. Wrote a book and am in the process of getting it published. Life sure is different.

Goals for the next year:

Book gets published

Buy a new car!

Finish school (or at least have some idea as to what I want to do with my degree).

Sky Dive for the big quarter life crisis birthday

Lose the ten pounds I put on in the last year :( (the worst thing to happen this year)!

Quit Smoking

Go to Bali!

The friend zone

I didn't think it was even possible. I mean, I have never heard of such a thing. The thought had never even entered my mind until my best friend said those two words to me today. I mean really? Could it be? Could I have been so self absorbed and self centered to overlook the fact that this can actually happen to a female and not just a male? "Friend Zone."

I am afraid I have entered it in the nicest way possible. I have been slipped into this category without just cause. Without explanation and without reasoning. Uh oh well, is the attitude I am taking on this one.

The scenic route

So even though life is insane, I have somehow managed to find time to miraculously get some things done; at work and in my personal life. May not always be what I want to be doing, but it is doing nonetheless. I have found the trick to be constant motion. Having been a procrastinator all of my life, I am actually on top of things. Things that I could put off tomorrow but that I am doing today and it makes it a lot easier to see the destination ahead versus being buried by burden now. Maybe that is the trick to life; to achieving, to just constantly be in motion and allow life to take you down different paths and enjoy the scenic route. After all their are many means to an end. Many roads you can travel. You are never lost, just enjoying the scenic route. Perhaps we should all learn to just enjoy the ride and smell the roses sometime.

Insanity!

Life could not possibly get anymore insane at the moment. I am so tremendously busy with work and life I can hardly find time to breath. I am overwhelmed, even my whelm is whelmed. I have to work on my book; get a critique; schedule for school; fill out the fafsa; pay bills; make sure I have money for bills; workout; work; make posters; post pics; the list just goes on and on and on.

Maybe, just maybe, I have not found love because I am not ready for love. I am firm believer that God does not give you more than you can handle at any one point in time. Well perhaps he knows, now is not the time for me to love. I'm too busy loving myself first!

Ugh I hate this part right here!

All I wanted was for you to see my point of view. You did not apologize this time...which was different. Usually you at least realize you're in the wrong or are at least half way to blame and will say I'm sorry like I want you too, like I do. Not this time. It was all my fault. I was being needy after you're the one who made plans; knowing in advance you already had them. I was being disgraceful because I said my mind; my honesty; even though you knew how it was going to come out of my mouth. You knew how I would react. Was it a test? One that most obviously did not pass. Do you feel more in control because you know how I feel? Because you shouldn't. Honesty is not to be mistaken for weakness.

Brutal honesty

Perhaps it was unconventional, perhaps too immature and not like I had planned it to be in my mind; but I did it. It is amazing how words released onto paper and out of my head can have such a positive effect on me. No matter what the outcome, I finally was able to say my peace. The words drifted from my mind through my keyboard and into his ears. There were no awkward silences, no pauses, no stuttering, no change to recant what I had said for it is forever documented on cyber space.

For the first time; I don't have any inclination as to how he will take this, process this, or what he will do about it. All I know is that I have tried. I said what needed to be said for the sake of my sanity and if things don't go as I would have hoped, I will never have to look back and wonder if things would have been different had I just opened my mouth.

Tears of Joy

I received the sweetest email from a mom yesterday. It seriously brought me to tears. This job can be so stressful and time consuming. You often times definitely put in a lot more of yourself than you ever get out. However, emails like this let me know that I do make a difference. I ran into two gymnasts yesterday that I used to coach. I had them from the time they were 7 until they were 10 and they are now going to be sophmores in high school! They ran right up, gave me the biggest hug and said how I was their favorite coach that they have ever had. I am unfortunately now getting ready to take another child to the doctor since we are away at camp and he needs X-Rays. Sometimes I feel like a mom to these kids, and it makes me realize how much I love children, but how much I love to be able to give them back at this point in my life ;)

Dear Michelle and Sally

I have always felt good about having Hannah at Lakeshore but it wasn't until Sunday night and Monday morning that I felt amazing and realized the level of compassion and caring you have for each gymnast. When you say this is a family you mean it.

Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for caring so much about Hannah. She and I both adore you.

Sincerely

Decisions Decisions!

In a pickle! Iphone 4 or the new Droid X? Switch my service? Or stay with Verizon? I can't decide. All I know is that I am working so hard and syncing and organizing my life to my MacBook and to my phone as of late that I need a phone to keep up with my life. They both seem similar but for some reason my typical irrational, spontaneous self has been calmly rationalizing and thinking all my decisions through too much these days. I suppose I am one extreme or another. Either I don't think at all or I think too much. Or 50% of people think your crazy and the other 50% wonder how you're not crazy!

Organization and Technology Mate!

Obsessed with this website by the way;

www.springpadit.com

Can't wait to either get the Iphone or the Droid so I can have this on my mobile. I can get either anytime, but I don't really want to switch carriers so I don't know what I'm going to do!

Another Life Update

I find it funny how no matter how much life can change around you, sometimes you find yourself back in the same places. I am of course back at camp Woodward this week. It was a trip I delayed admitting I had to take. Last years experience wasn't all I had imagined it would be, but so far I have to say I am really enjoying my time here. My roommate is really nice and fun. The girls enjoy my company. I spend lazy days laying by the pool, doing fun activities during the day and then the evenings in the gym working out with the girls on the trampolines that bounce you so high it almost makes me afraid of heights. Today we are going to do a ropes course, something on the bucket list. Tomorrow we are horseback riding, another item on my bucket list. Somewhere during my relaxation I need to find time to work on my book and I'm going to continue to work on getting something done that I heard was enjoyable, but I often times don't get to partake; sleep.

I do miss the normality of life a little bit. Of course my schedule is thrown askew here. You have to wake up to get breakfast, lunch and dinner at particular times of the day. I miss going to my spin class ( a weeks worth of money just tossed down the drain). But I am spending absolutely no money while I'm here which is nice. Lounging for a week also makes you go mad when you think about all of the things in life you need to get done and are not able to do because you are not home.

Ah the Love Life;

I of course would have to update you on this! I mean it has almost been a week since my last post and of course a lot of things have happened. 1. I went out on a date with this volleyball player on Thursday. I just met him after work for a few drinks by my house. He seemed really nice but there wasn't much of a connection. It was as if we were old friends just hanging out, talking like we've known each other for years. And even though that is nice to have in a relationship, there has to be some spark. I have not heard from him and so I am assuming that he sensed the lack of sparks as well. I realize that this is part of qualms of online dating. You have an opportunity to meet so many men and even though you exchange witty banter via email, that does not substitute for chemistry. At least when you meet someone in person, you know that the instant attraction is there or you would not have approached him, online dating is not like that. People can look different in from their profile picture, you could like or dislike their mannerisms, you might not like the sound of their voice.

2. The shrink actually called me on Friday, he has been texting me everyday and last night asked me out on another date. It's funny how these things happen when you a.) stop going crazy wondering if he'll want to see you again, b.) When both him and I are either out of town or going out of town. He asked me out for last Saturday but I had to decline because of the fight (The second time I've cancelled on this guy due to the fighter by the way)! I had to promptly leave town Sunday, and he leaves town Thursday for Florida. So I won't get to see him until next weekend at best.

3. Now the big conundrum! Like I stated in my last post, or one of them, I decided to go to the fight on Saturday. He wanted me there and I felt emotionally invested due to the fact that I let go of an amazing guy because of his training schedule. So I nervously went. And when I say nervous, I mean nervous. My stomach was doing flip flops, I couldn't eat. I just wanted to get it over with. If he was to win, then in my heart I knew that I did the right thing. If he lost, what was it worth? So I walk into the arena and my heart is pitter pattering and I am behind Chad and Bree as we make our way through the crowd and up to the stage area. I see him. He is talking to a group of people, his head turns and he sees me; he smiles; he leaves the crowd, I'm thinking he is going to say hi to Chad, then Bree and I'll patiently await my turn to say Good Luck. He bypasses them both and grabs me and gives me the biggest hug. He thanks me for coming, says how much he misses me, kisses my cheek tugs at my hand and I melted. We talk for a few minutes and now I think I am more nervous.

He of course won his fight without even a scratch. At the end of the fight, drenched shirt and all, there was another exchange of a hug, a few stolen kisses and a victory. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him again. When the fight was over, we waited for him to shower and change and we were going to go out on the strip for a little bit with him. However, it was getting late, we had over an hour drive home and I had a long day of working and driving ahead of me. As we walk back towards the car, fighter walked us back, and he reached down and took my hand as we walked.

Ok I know this whole story makes me sound like a giddy freshman again, but you have to understand that I have been spending the last few days in a drag out fight of my own between my heart and my head. There was no denying the chemistry there, the feelings, emotions, longing. I felt it, he felt it, everyone saw it. My heart aches for this guy. I had true genuine and honest feelings for him, but I did the one thing I said I didn't want to do and that was allow him to get to me and I obviously did. Because I miss him and want to be with him and this is what my heart is saying. It says, who cares if you fall, that is the fun part. Let your guard down, just tell him how you feel. Who cares if he doesn't feel the same way, you tried, you were honest. But then my head is here saying, what happens for the next fight? He doesn't have enough time for you. This is his dream you can't interfere. You deserve someone who can give you more, more time, energy, affection. But I think I'm in "wuv." We're hanging out on Saturday when I get back and i'm sure these topics and more are going to come up for discussion. But when I'm with him, I don't want to think about it, talk about it. I just want to "be" with him.

It's raining MEN!

When it rains, it pours...men! At least this seems to be pretty indicative of my life lately. My jedi-mind trick, MANuel advice must have worked on someone, because lo and behold the wonderment that filled my day.

First [fighter] text me as asked me out for next weekend. I felt an instant smile spreading across my face. Which was quickly erased with "the thinker." Why now? Because his fight will be over? Because now he'll have more time? Now he wants to start something after almost a month of being apart? I just feel like too many questions are going to come up on that "first" second date. I mean we've already had the us talk, we already were dating, are we dating again? And what happens the next time he has a fight? This is what he wants to do, it's his first love, his passion. I know there will be a next one and probably three months down the road. I would never ask him to give that up for me so what happens to us the next time around? Maybe I am getting too far ahead of myself and maybe he just misses my company and the friendship we created. I mean if you're dating someone and not sleeping with them, honestly the only think developing is a friendship.

Not five minutes after this, I get a text from [shrink] wishing me a wonderful day. "Hello! I don't want you to wish me a wonderful day, I want you to call me and ask about my day!" This was more annoying than endearing, and I more a feeling of accomplishment than lust. I'm going to follow the steadfast (and stupid rule until I say it applies) rule here. Tomorrow is Wednesday. If he doesn't ask me out by tomorrow, I'm going to gracefully decline if he does so at all this week! Men need to learn. Maybe I should write a Womanuel...a book for all men to learn about the secrets of woman. Maybe put to rest the idea that we're crazy and make them think for a change that they're all really just idiots and that's why we act crazy. I mean I always thought men were simple creatures, and this guy managed to write a book about their simplicity. Reading it, I employ the same expression as a confused puppy with my head tilted to the side. If he can stretch 200 pages to simply say; dress slutty, don't gain wait and give us lots of blow jobs; I can certainly manage to write a book about women.

Maybe serial dating is my life's calling. Maybe I was meant to write about my dating disasters, woes and uncertainties for all of the world to find their soul mates! I mean after all, the only part that matters in a fairytale is the ending!

Redecorating from the outside in

I need to do something with this apartment. I need money to do something with this apartment. But I need to create a more peaceful living space. I know they say build it up slowly, but I am not that type of person. I want it all down now. So I'm going to start the process of designing one room at a time and I think I will start with my sanctuary of a bedroom. That is what is the greatest disaster. The smallest room imaginable (not like anything else about this apartment is big). And then maybe I can ebay things I like so I can keep costs down. I want to do my bedroom in black and pink. I love pink, I love black and I love them even more together so It makes sense.

On an unrelated topic I have decided to attend [fighters] fight on Saturday. Even though I am not thrilled about this decision because it will be hard to see him. I heard that he wants me there and so I am going to go. I am giving up the islands for his fight, but I guess those are the things you do for someone you did and still care about.

[Shrink]. Hmmm can't figure him out. Either he plays the game just as hard or harder, he's just a jerk who is beginning to let his true colors show, or he is trying to get me to write him off so he doesn't look like a jerk, I can't quite tell. All I know is I did not like his "tru dat" and "yo" responses in a conversation last night. I mean c'mon, who does that? My guy friends don't even talk to me like that because they know how much it urks me. So this guy was seriously trying to push my buttons. Whatever, he thinks I'm going to write him off, I'll just wait a few days and text him something just because. I have no intentions of seeing him at this point, but I can play the game. He thinks I will just write him off, hmmm, not this girl. I can keep you on your toes too. This is now becoming more like a game of fun tug of war while I can concentrate on other prospects. Jerk!

well more later...time to clean myself up and head to work.

Numero Tres!

Match meeting #3. I have to say I am at least proud of myself for getting out there and actually meeting, in person, some of the people from match. It is a step I truly did not even think I would take upon first signing onto the site. But then I told myself that this was its purpose; for you to actually "MEET" people and I was not going to do that by hiding behind the security of my lap top screen.

I am also proud of myself for not limiting myself after meeting the first guy from the site either. I had a great first date with the "shrink," (even though he is not an actual shrink, we'll call him that because it's easier than typing out psychologist). I had a semi disasterous date with the doctor. I mean, this guy wore Armani to the bar and drove a Mercedes convertible. WAY too flashy for someone who is only a resident. His whole air screamed "I do this a lot and my sole purpose of the evening is the pour tequila down your throat to make it easier for you to make out with me." Needless to say, number deleted.

I had a great second date with the shrink, but perhaps having him meet my friends, the parents and spend over 24 hours with me was not a proper second date of choice. I have not heard from him since Thursday and I refuse to call, text, or contact him in anyway. I left it at, call me if you have time, and that is how I am going to leave it. I know that he was moving into his new apartment and let's face it, men are not the best multi-taskers, but c'mon! No contact for three days screams one of two things to me. Either he's not interested, or he is a juggler. He's good looking so I am sure that being on an online dating site he has the pick of the liter. I mean, I am attractive and I know how many emails I get a day, and guys don't show their desperation for a relationship of any type half as much as girls do. So I've decided if I don't hear from him by Wednesday, I'm just going to let it go. I need to stop analyzing why he hasn't called and focus on guys who are fighting for my attention.

My meeting tonight was sudden. He emailed this morning, we exchanged some conversation and poof it was, how about meeting me for a drink. It was nice that he wasted no time to ask me out on a date. Perhaps this is what the book "The List" was talking about. They say that when you set off a guys alarm, whether it be physically or mentally, he will call within 24 hours of receiving your number and he will ask you out on a date within another 24 hours. Well this guy received my number and asked me out within 12! Ballsy? yes. Cute? yes. And don't worry, I know I read too many self help books! It has become more of a hobby.

Though almost ten years older than myself, I was pleasantly surprised. He could be mistaken for someone of the same age. Tall, clean shaven baby face, blue eyes, and nice smile. More lanky than what I have typically dated but his gentleman charm was just as attractive. Opening the door, slyly paying for the drinks when I was in the restroom so there was not awkward, "let's split it," discussion, walking me to my car door. However, I am interested to see what he does for fun.

He is an attorney. He seems calm and collected in a boyish, in experienced way. Definitely a button up and tie kind of guy. Not quite the assertive fancy dinner party type, but not quite the outdoor, rock concert going type either. Almost too collected in knowing what his goals are in life and ready to start a family and have the white picket fence life than wanting to meet someone to have a few years of fun with. However, great conversation, with a multitude of topics and questions still left to cover, and definitely second date worthy. Who knows, I judge, and perhaps I am judging this one too quickly. Only time will tell.

Well I am going to get ready for bed, settle in with another self help book, and try not to wonder why "shrink" has yet to contact me nor wonder if he will!

Cinnamon induces happiness!

Mmmm...a big comfy leather chair and a cup of cinnamon coffee. Now this is spending time with yourself!

Listen

There I was; pushing hard against the pedals. Watching my legs go up and down to the steady beat of the song, 1...2...3...4...1...2...3...4. I remember this motion. I remember watching the cyclists ride along at this same pace as I would drive past them up a hill. I felt a peace in that moment today in class. A class that I literally raced to get to, waking up a mere twenty minutes before it began. I almost didn't go today. I came up with every excuse; oh you'll be late. You should eat breakfast. You forgot a towel. But instead of making excuses, I just went. I didn't keep thinking about it, I just got in my car and kept driving until my happy size 6 ass was in that saddle and ready to push through a long workout and release the thoughts clouding my mind.

I haven't had much time lately to even clean my apartment, let alone just be with myself and do the things that I want and need to do. My weekends have been filled with dinner parties, dates, trips to the lake. As much as I love summer and I love having things to do, I am faced with too many options and I shut down when I am at a cross road and don't know what to do. In these situations I want to sit and be still; write; read; just listen to what my body, soul and mind, the universe is trying to tell me what to do.

With that being said, I think I am going to take a little time this weekend and do just that. Last night it was a good book and a bottle of wine; today spin/TRX class and now starbucks and tomorrow the art gallery. Despite having loads upon loads of laundry and a dinner party tonight. I am going to relax, enjoy the weekend.

Fathers Know Best...supposedly

Ugh I hate this feeling. Whether it had something to do with my dad's "When you think you're Mr. Right, remember you're Mr. Right now," comment, or the fact that his non response to my text screams, not interested, either way I don't like what my intuition is telling me.

Ugh I could kill my father for that one.

Oh well, if it's meant to be it will be and it's not exactly in my hands now is it?

Contemplation

It's either Mr. Not enough time, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, Mr. Not good enough, Mr. Drama...yada yada yada the list goes on and on. In talking with my best guy friend Kenny tonight about Dolphins, the discovery channel, relationships and life woes, we questioned why it is so hard to find Mr. Right.

I have been single for a year now. A year of great self discovery that I would never exchange for the life I used to live. I have learned so much about myself as a person. About what I want and what I am willing to sacrifice and things that I never will. I enjoy coming home to an empty apartment sometimes and I enjoy quiet nights with a bottle of red wine, my high heels and my IPOD. (Yes I clean in high heels, don't ask). But I am ready for more.

I'm not sure why I am starting to question this now, tonight, at this moment and felt the need to write it out so that I can feel better tonight. But I went out on a date Friday, which was iconic in what I have been dealing with as of late. Great guy, fantastic career (doctor). Amazing car (Mercedes). What every girl would dream of marrying. And I'm pretty sure he has every choice of a girl to marry. I mean he was attractive and fun and charismatic! He wore Armani for a casual night out for pete's sake! But that is my point. Every girl (well most) would find him a catch and I just don't feel like competing, worrying. I want someone who finds ME a catch.

Saturday, I had my second date with the psychologist and we had an amazing time and I am excited to see where things go. But here I am questioning things because he is just too good to be true! I mean, I have yet to find anything wrong with him. There has to be something right?

I just wish I could still believe that things just happen. That destiny takes over and things will magically fall into place. Love and relationships are beginning to become clouded by analysis and rules and I just wish things could fall into place. This is one area of my life that I am lacking in at all times it seems and I just don't want to have to work for it anymore. I want it to be easy. I am done with the cliches'. The, "it will happen eventually." The, "You'll find Mr. Right." The, "Be patients."

I want the honest, truth unfolding, say it how it is, don't be afraid to call, ask me out on a date, be understanding, kind of love!

I'm going to blame this one on intuition. I can just feel when something is off and that is enough for me. And something is definitely not "on" at the moment!