Hopefully by the pun (bad yes, but still I love puns), of the title I posted, you will be able to see what tonight's blog topic is going to be about. If it wasn't as obvious to you, we will be discussing EXES! That's right, we all have them, they are inevitably unavoidable. Let's face it, even in the sand box you were staking claim as to who you would be sharing your milk money with that day and let's not even get into the way it is today in elementary school society. Nonetheless, if you are unmarried and over the age of 5, chances are you come with a little bit of baggage. How that baggage effects your relationship is entirely dependent on how you choose to unpack that suitcase. I bring this topic up because tonight was the first time that DH and I had a slight argument about an ex girlfriend of his. It got me thinking a little bit about how one should honestly go about dealing with their exes in a relationship and because I needed to blow off a little steam and this is my outlet, here we go.
1. First of all, under no circumstance, should you enter into a new relationship if you are not over an ex yet. How do you know if you're over them or not you ask. Ask yourself a few questions. Would you be devastated if you heard that they moved on before you? If you saw them out in public, would you be able to give a casual "hi, how are you?" and walk on, or are you going to pull a Carrie Bradshaw and sleep with him the next night regardless of your relationship status and his? Do you still cry when your "song" comes on the radio and your friend has to pry your phone from your hand and hide it for no less than 48 hours until you come to your senses? If you answered yes to any of these questions or even hesitated at an answer other than no, you are not over your ex and you need to deal with that before you even move on to number 2 of this article.
2. I think that is is really healthy in your new relationship to discuss things that you learned from prior experiences. Yes, I think talking about previous relationships can be a good thing. This is something that actually drives me crazy about my current darling boyfriend. He NEVER wants to talk about previous relationships. Mine or his. You have to understand that there is a difference between talking about previous relationships and talking about things that you learned from those relationships. Other relationships that didn't work out are very integral to our own self discovery. They test us, put us through the ringer, sometimes give us some amazing experiences and that is how you learn about what you want and don't want in new partner, a life partner, the most important partner you will ever have. Without learning what these deal breakers are from your exes, you'll never know what to look for in a partner, and well that is just going to leave you with nothing but a whole lot of break ups in the future. Make sure to talk about them in a way that emphasizes that experience and not the person. Rather than saying, well "(enter ex name here), was just such an asshole and never even bought me a card for my birthday," instead say "I never felt valued in previous relationships and that is something that is important to me. It doesn't have to be all cars and jewelry, it's the little things that mean the most to me, like cards and bubble baths"! OK cheesy I know, but you get the picture. It actually very much works negatively in your favor if you are constantly bitching about how much of an asshole your exes were. A guy, or girl a like that you are now dating is going to start questioning your own judgement and wonder why you don't value yourself enough to get out of a what sounds like a bad relationship. Believe me, they are not going to look at it as being honorable for staying. And to play the devil's advocate as well, it looks equally bad when you don't share experiences on what you value in a partner and what you won't put up with. I can speak personally here, it makes me start you wonder what is wrong with them. If they don't want to discuss it, what did they do? Be open, honest, and ready to share parts of you that you haven't before. That's what being with your soul mate should feel like, and if it doesn't feel that way, then, they're not the one.
3. If you are deleting texts and call logs from your ex in your phone, then you are already crossing a line! STOP IT NOW! This includes changing your pass code every couple of hours because your significant other may have been looking over your shoulder when you typed it in. C'mon now, I know every loophole out there! That makes me way more suspicious. If I know your pass code the odds of me going through your phone are zero to a million. If I notice you've been changing it, let's just say, nothing is safe!
4. The baggage: Appropriate protocol
I get it, your ex was a significant part of your life and you shared memories that you don't want to forget. We all have them, but we don't all need to see them. No one is expecting you to destroy them. If they are, then they are a hypocrite and who wants to date one of those? But there are certain ways to handle the baggage in certain phases of your relationship and I'm going to save you many arguments if you follow them.
A. Single: Keep that shit anywhere you like! If you want pictures of you on the fridge and framed love letters and old cards still on your mantle, then you are welcome to do so!
B. Dating someone but she/he hasn't been to your place yet: Time to have most of that stuff put away in a box by now. Group pictures of mutual friends with the two of you in them are still acceptable, I get it, you look great in that picture!
C. Dating someone exclusively: Everything in your apartment should be boxed up. The group pictures, that candle she bought you for the bathroom, anything that you could look at while you are with the person you are with, that would remind you of your ex. Social media; as long as it is long in the past albums or feed, then for the time being, it is acceptable. It takes time to get to every aspect of your stored memories deleted now a days and anyone that you are with should understand that.
D. Moving in together: STORE EVERYTHING! You are now co-hapitating. That means that anything ex related should be in a box that is not labeled, in the garage or in a crawl space (If it's labeled and in reaching range than it's fair game). Pictures, cards, letters (that's even if you still feel the need to hold on to it at this point). All social media sites should be purged. Old pictures need to be deleted. If you're storing the photo album physically than look at this as a digital photo album, because that's what it is. If you truly cannot bare the thought of parting with those pictures, put them in a password protected folder GUYS! Believe me, women do it, because we're smarter. If I'm living with you, I love you, and I respect the fact that you had enough respect for me to put your past in a place that it wouldn't be staring me in the face. Men (and women), DELETE THE NUDEY PICTURES NOW! It's one thing to keep memories that the two of you shared; like the time you went to the grand canyon and well, that experience is phenomenal so why delete it, but for real here. If I open your computer and see your exes vajayjay and nips, you will be sleeping on the couch for a month. I'm sure you wouldn't want to see the penis picture of my ex that was worth saving (trust me you don't want a comparison pic anymore than we do)!
E. Married: Everything needs to be gone. You have found "the one" and you are now going to embark on a lifelong journey of making new memories with your family. It's time to get rid of the old ones, because this is the new moment where your life begins again. If you are still holding on to things from your past in the ex department then I hope you have a really good lawyer on speed dial. You'll need them soon.
5. Please be reasonable and pick your battles. I understand how exes can bring up a lot of feelings we like to lock away and it can make us all go a little crazy sometimes. However, always remember that an ex is an ex for a reason. You are here with them now. If they really wanted to be with their ex, they would be. They are not. They are in this moment with you and that means a lot without even having to say anything. Respect that and think about that before you flip out about an ex. Now if you catch them in bed with or even sexting an ex, damn, forget everything that paragraph just said girl (and guy). Go ape shit crazy and get the hell out of there!!
Hopefully this cleared up a few protocols on how to deal with the topic of the "Ex" if it ever comes up in your relationship. If anything you most definitely helped me to vent a little bit tonight and I most definitely feel better!
