Insane in the Membrane

Why can't I stop thinking about him? Has he honestly gotten to me this much or is it just boredom? Why do I want him to call, text, something. Why do I like my life more with him in it? He doesn't offer me anything. He isn't particular sweet or charming. I don't know what he is doing, who he is with and this is not the way that I want to live my life or things I want to think about in a relationship. What relationship? Do we have a relationship? What are we even doing? After seven months if we don't know then it is not meant to be. Seven months...really...I don't even know if I want him to be my boyfriend and if I don't know if I want him to be my boyfriend than I can obviously live without him. Yes. I am going to tell him this. I don't care if it is through email, facebook, via text, my phone call or in person, I am going to say it. I cannot keep driving myself crazy on these sleepless nights wondering what he is doing. My life is more sane without him. I need some sanity in my life.

Lazy Sundays

What a busy day today and yet so uneventful at the same time. I went and signed up at a gym today. Then I worked out for an hour! Operation, get six pack back, is in full effect. Considering that I haven't had one for upwards of ten years now, this might be a little difficult but I am up for the challenge. I then came home, showered, napped, tried unsuccessfully to hang stuff up on the walls in my apartment and just got back from dinner with my friend Christian who I haven't seen in almost two years! Now I am sitting here wondering what I should do for the rest of the evening. I have plenty of things to cross off my to do list and I am just unmotivated to do them. Ryan text me, drunk at 4:30 wanting me to pick him up in Cleveland and I said I would but after my dinner plans and now he is once again M.I.A. I'm sure if he was capable of having feelings that he would be mad that I didn't answer my phone at 1:29, 2:03, texts at 2:04 and call at 4:05 this morning and I couldn't go pick him up until after dinner but oh well. I cannot make someone a priority in my life that only makes me an option. And I have learned that I cannot help those that don't want to help themselves. A major weakness of mine typically. I pointed out via text message today to the ex that we are neighbors. He said that Ian told him and asked my exact location, which is literally across the street. He never text me back after that. Either he is still in shock or just didn't want to, I suppose I will never really know. I did see him pulling out as I was pulling in just a minute ago, confirming that he does in fact live across the street from me. My situation, or lack there of for that matter, with him, reminds me of one of my favorite movies; Serendipity. With John Cusak and Kate Beckinsale and both meet one night in NY and after a wonderful evening she leaves their reunion up to the God's. After a week of missing each other and twists and turns, they once again find themselves 5 years later, in the exact location that they spent that one magical evening. As much as I dream my life to be like the big screen or a fairy tale, my life seems to be playing out similar with this guy but without the happy ending. Why can't I for once be the exception and not the rule? Why can he not just walk over here and profess his undying love for me and we live happily ever after? If only life were a fairytale, I would not be so enamored by toolboxes.

Hi, my name is...? Have we met?

So much updating to do and so little time. Isn't life always this way? My sister is in town! Yay! Her and the family are coming out to visit and finally bringing me a working television. I have been so busy with trying to organize my life that I haven't had time for television. To be honest, I don't even mind. I get so much more done without the distraction of the tv. I don't even think I am going to invest in cable. Why? Anything I need to know I can get from the internet and I have that so I am perfectly happy in my quiet and calm apartment. As Michelle Branch once said, I'm enjoying the quiet nights of this empty life! However, my life is anything but empty. It is so packed in fact, that I have no room for all my furniture and there simply are not enough hangers to display my most proud addiction.

On another note, Ryan is back in my life like a windstorm. He blew in so suddenly, caused a tornado for four days and today is the first day since Tuesday that I haven't seen him after work yet. I need sometime to think again, which I think was clearly indicated last night when we were together because he knew that something was wrong, which in fact there was something wrong. It was the smallest comment that sent my world into a tailspin again. Mind you, we had spent three amazing days and nights together. We were having a great time, getting along, he was being sincere, appreciative, I almost didn't know what to do with myself. We again had many discussions about us, and for the first time I felt that there actually was an "us" to talk about.

Last night we're out at the bar and he was talking about his friend and his fiance who was meeting us up there. He said she is cute but not gorgeous, she had short hair and he thought it made her look kind of like a chipmunk (yes I know, opinionated fucker isn't he?) He asked me if I ever had short hair, to which I replied yes. He looks at me and says, "I don't think I ever would have started talking to you if you had short hair and I wouldn't be with you if you did either." To this comment, I just did not know what to say. I just stared at him in disbelief. Was this the tequila talking or was he really this shallow? Not that I have any room to talk, I began talking to him based on looks alone as well but that is not the only thing that keeps me intrigued in a relationship. When I saw that he was serious I was beyond astounded. Here is a guy who after seven months knows me and my personality pretty well and it was obvious that the only reason he is with me is because I am attractive. I will not always be attractive. What happens when I am fifty and my skin begins to sag and wrinkle, my hair starts graying (even more than it is now) and I am no longer as fit and gorgeous? Will he leave me, divorce me, yada yada yada. I know I am getting WAY ahead of myself but girls want to be loved for who they are whether they are beautiful or not. I am an attractive person. I know this, the world can see this, but I don't let everyone see what is inside me and that is what makes me such a beautiful person, that is what makes everyone a beautiful person.

Does he know my favorite color? My favorite flower? Does he know that I love cupcakes, MMA fights, exotic dates and vacations. Does he know my middle name (if he didn't have facebook to look at)? Does he know what I am in school for, what I long to do with my life, how I take my coffee or how I am addicted to breakfast sandwiches and infectious laughter? Does he know me at all? Or does he just like me because I have a stable career, my own place and I'm pretty? Is our entire relationship based on aesthetics?

All I could envision in my head at this time was me running; running far and fast and never looking back. This morning, that is exactly what I did. I woke up, tip toed out the door and planned for an evening of fun with my family and people I have yet to meet.

I need to go and get ready for my family's arrival and tidy up a bit. I will update you tomorrow on more going on in my life I'm sure of it.

Night Numero Uno

I officially stayed my first night in my new apartment! I made my first, lonesome, grocery excursion and tried my hardest to be motivated to put this place together but I simply was not. I need to concentrate on my microbiology test I have tomorrow and I need to get some things done that I have been putting off. Ironically I am still putting them off as I sit here and blog to you. It was a busy successful weekend of moving and limos to Cleveland. I even had another date on Friday with Jacob and spent time with the tool box. I even broached the awkwardness of our situation and had a nice discussion with him about what we are doing and of course neither one of us knew so neither one of us decided to do anything about it. I think I am attracted to him like one longs for long lazy sunny days. You have this one great day and then it is over, lost with the setting sun and the wind. When the next day isn't as nice you begin to wonder when you will get the feelings back from the day before. As lazy days become more spaced apart, you begin to long for them more, until once again they arrive and you are elated. This is what he makes me feel like. He is in and out of my life so often, I begin to long for the companionship that we share when we are together. Neither one of us is ready or capable of relationships right now and the small amount of time that we share together gives us enough energy to muster the courage to wait and linger for another wonderful day together. But in the meantime, life goes on.

I had mixed emotions from last night. The reality set in that I am alone. I am all by myself in a new city with new people and new things to experience and I am doing so all by myself. There is nobody around to do anything for me and it is going to prove to be a test of my independence. I am close enough to home to go and visit, but not on a daily basis like I used to be able to. Mom and Dad cannot simply swing by on their way home from work if I did need something. It would need to be planned, concocted and it would be a hassle. As of right now, I have no television hooked up and so there is nothing but stillness and my thoughts to pass the time when I am alone. However, I am excited because I think that this will be the most wonderful experience for me. I cannot wait for what is to come in my life!

Moving Mayheim

I'M ALL MOVED IN! I am unfortunately not even staying my first night in my apartment, however, because I came back to town to hang out with the banker and some friends, so instead of driving all the way back out there, I am just staying at my parents. But my brother and the tool box (who was everything but that today) helped get me all moved in today. Ryan was wonderful. He got a ride out to my house last night, he stayed with me, made me breakfast, helped me finish packing and spent the entire day helping me move into my new apartment. I wouldn't have been able to do it without him and it actually mean't a lot to me. I know I said I was done and over him but we had a great day and we actually got an opportunity to talk about what we were doing. Which of course we came up with no conclusions. He was M.I.A because he just needed some time to himself, considering that life has got him in the dumps these days, I understand. But I realized that he needs to work on himself before he can be with anyone in his life. He said he will always have feelings for me and he wants to be with me, but he wants to be able to bring something to the table for me. In many ways, I can respect this. No matter how many girls he is talking to, I am the one who has his heart. And we decided to just be really good friends, so in other words, things really aren't going to change between us, unless I meet someone who has potential of being a relationship and then that is when I will cut him off and we can no longer speak to each other. Both of us are confused and even through talking it out, it didn't help clear confusion, it just laid some feelings out on the table and for now I can't ask for much more.

Well blogger, I am exhausted and have the morning off but it is another busy day tomorrow. I will talk to you soon.

What a Beautiful Day!

I have had the most fantastic day today...so fantastic in fact, that I had to write a blog solely dedicated to how much karma (who usually does not love me) loves me today. First I woke up in a daze at 6 am when my alarm went off, and after debating whether or not I should sleep in or get up and go to class, I decided to go to class. I know I have posted before how much I love waking up alone, and this morning I was all alone, because my parents are out of town. So I enjoyed a peaceful morning before I went to class. It was a good thing I lost the battle with my slumber today because in class my professor all but gave the answers to the test that we are to have on Tuesday. Good thing I decided to go to class.

After class I decided I would go to library, print off some notes, and since my evolution discussion was part of a course I had already taken, I decided to skip class. So instead I went tanning, got some gas and went to my apartment. My brand new, all mine, no one else's apartment. It was then I discovered the wonderful gifts the previous tenants had left me; hangers, endless cleaning supplies, paper plates, silverware, a swiffer! laundry detergent, bottles of wine...and the list goes on and on, oh and TOILET PAPER! Everything i hate buying myself, she left me. It was amazing!

Then I leave and go to work and I stop at Panera for lunch, and lo and behold, I get FRONT ROW parking! This never happens! I always have to walk so far. They actually got my order right this time and I was two hours earlier than usual to work. I got all of my work done, my round off mat came and I got done coaching an hour earlier than usual because two of my girls were sick! I mean things could not get any better, but they did. After work, I met up with Jacob (the chivalrous guy I went out with two weeks prior) and I had an amazing time! He is fantastic. He makes me laugh, he is so sweet, and he is just an amazing decent human being! How refreshing to meet someone like this after all these assholes. I know this may seem premature blogger, but I will put money on it, this is the type, if not the guy I will marry. I foresee it.

So now I am home, completely avoiding the fact that I have to pack a shit ton of stuff still, drinking a beer and just relaxing. Well I better go and pack! I'll talk to you from my new place..since OH even MORE good news! Someone is dumb enough NOT to lock their network...so I get free internet!

ahhhh

Moving is proving, as usual, to be a huge production. I am the type of person who thinks that I am superwoman. I can do it all. I don't need help. I mean how hard can it be to lug a couch, bed and some dressers up three flights of stairs to a tiny apartment? I am the type of person who would rather pay someone to do it for me than inconvenience anyone in my life. Is that not curtious? Well my brother doesn't think so, as he just called me a cold heartless bitch whom thinks of no one but herself until she wants something and I am such a dirty whore, I should have a handful of "fuck" buddies to help her move up those three flights of stairs so her 56 year old father doesn't have to suffer a heart attack. His ignorance proceeds him yet again. The college drop out, who has no bills and does nothing with his money but buy boats and womanize is boldly mistaken about my character. I simply told him I do not need or want his help in anyway and figure once again that karma will be a better bearer of medicine than my words could ever be. I like to think that I am a good person. My sister is a good person. I am the oldest, my sister the youngest. What was my mother inhaling during the months that he was in her womb? How did he turn out to be such a bad seed? He has no sensitivity, no drive, no determination, no desire to do anything, and is just a cruel person. I have said my fair share of mean things to my parents out of anger, believe me, but I at least feel remorse for treating them that way. He has no remorse. He is void of any type of human emotion. For some reason I can sense this in people and those are people I do not associate with, whether he is family or not. I am off friday. I cannot take Saturday off like the rest of the population. I have no help these days because of this. Like I stated before, I do not ask for help so why would I now?

Yay for Saki!

It might have only been five days...and I was out of town for three of those five days, but I have not seen or heard from the tool bag since Thursday, which is close enough to a week for me, which is easy enough to say that he is no longer in my life. And since I am now angered by the fact that I haven't heard from him, it will be a lot easier to ignore him when I do hear from him. Which I will. Hear from him and ignore him (I hope). I mean I didn't even hear from him on Valentines Day. Not that he is my Valentine by any means, but I mean how hard is it to shoot someone a text message?

On a fantastic note...I get the keys to my OWN apartment on Wednesday! I am of course not even close to being packed! I tried to finagle my way off work on Saturday but of course I cannot take off. So I am going to do a little bit each day and try and move the heavy stuff during the remainder of the weekend!

More later...I am exhausted. I have been working and traveling like crazy! I spent Valentines Day at a packed Sushi Rock downtown in Columbus with my bosses and a married man. How exciting! It was actually a great time.

One Wrench Short of a Tool Box

Sometimes I need to realize that not doing anything has the most profound impact on your decisions. So I did not see the tool bag today. He wanted a ride and then said to go ahead and he'd get a ride out there lady. This indicated to me at first that he really just wanted a ride because if it was about seeing me too, he would have jumped at the opportunity since they are few and far between.

Then I text him and told him that he could stay in town and spend time with me tomorrow, since I have the day off, another occurrence that is few and far between. When I checked facebook, he did not stay in town and I had never heard back from him. Yet again another clear indication that he does not really want to see me!

You always have to love unsolicited man advice. They always seems to have a way of putting a perspective on the situation that you never had thought of, and probably never would have. My boss said to me; "Michele I would have went off. Here you are letting him drive your car, and he probably used it to go and hook up with blondie and then he had the audacity to drop it off, blow you off, and have her pick him back up, where you work. What could you say to this. I just stared at him in amazement because interestingly enough, he was probably right. I didn't want to think this way, it was just a friend, a blonde attractive, friend right? We all have those.

Ugh no. I think this was what pushed me over the edge. Here I am trying to help this guy because I'm a good person. I believe everyone needs help and he is using me and I am making excuses for him. I'm rationalizing with my heart, saying that it's my fault. I'm the one who doesn't want to date him, or at least that is what I say, so I keep saying, how can I blame him? It's my fault? I'm doing the same thing.

HELLO GIRL! I'm doing the same thing because I don't know if I want to be with him. I'm keeping my options open because I don't see potential with him, and why don't I think that he's not doing the same thing? Because he is. He is keeping his options open because he doesn't want to be with me, because in my experience, if a guy wants to see you, he'll drive to you. If a guy wants to call you, he calls. And if a guy loves you and wants to be with you, he will stop at nothing to have you. So I am going to stay happily single BY CHOICE until I find the guy who will do this for me. Rejoice girl...no more tool bags

Oh Woes Me!

Blogger...wtf am I doing? So I took a couple days to contemplate my mixed up love situation and I haven't come to any conclusions. I keep going back and forth in my mind with how I am feeling and still cannot seem to figure it out. I keep soliciting the opinion of friends, co-workers, strangers, anyone who will listen. I keep getting mixed advice and everyone seems to be able to pinpoint my twisted emotions except for me. He's bad news, just get out now, I think he's really into you but you're the one whose hesitant, you need to talk to him, you need to be honest, you need to just tell him how you feel. This I am starting to agree with. The one person that I need to be sharing my feelings with is the only person I am not talking to; him. Mainly because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to admit to him that he is my weakness because then I am rendering control into his hands. We are going to be stuck in a car together for an hour today and I need to talk to him about this before I go crazy and I don't know why I can't. Why can't I just say everything that is on my mind? Because honesty hurts? Because I still can't decipher between true feelings and lust? Because I am selfish and am only feeling this way because I don't want him to want anyone else? I want to look for love and keep him on the side to help pass the lonely nights? Perhaps I am in love with the drama? All I know is that I better decided what to do before I see him in two hours because I am going crazy with all of these thoughts running through my head.

Free Falling

So here is where I am at right now. I thought that I would be able to dissociate my feelings. I thought I could be concrete and have realized that I was only being so in my words not in my heart. I have told him repeatedly for the past four months now that I do not want to date him, or pursue any kind of a relationship with him that would take us to a higher level than where we are at now. I love being with him, and we give each other a sense of comfort in our friendship that I thought would be enough. We have been honest about our open options, though I have been the only one pursuing other options, as he had made it clear that I was the one he truly wanted to be with and not anyone else.

So there we are on Friday night. He went to go and look at an apartment with me, we go to dinner and we go back to his house to watch a movie. Snow storm 2010 hits and I am now snowed in and I now am staying the night at his house. We have not shared a night together since we actually dated.

There he is, looking into my eyes with that sparkle that I wish I could see every morning when I look into the mirror. He is staring at me, running his hands down my face, just looking at me as if I was the only thing he wants to see before he falls asleep and the first thing he wants to see in the morning. Then he kisses me and then it happened. That heart stopping, pulse racing, feeling from the top of your head extending through your toes. I was lost in his grasp and when I realized the feeling running through my body I opened my eyes in astonishment. Oh my gosh, I am falling for him. This was when I said I would run. I would get out the minute I felt this feeling, when I was beginning to lose control over the situation.

He is dating somebody. He was being honest and told me that he is seeing someone but how he wishes it were me. He wishes I would allow him to date me. I felt a twinge of jealously pulse through my veins. Why? Why would I feel this way over someone I keep telling I do not want to date. How can I be angry? Or upset?

So I text him yesterday and told him that I need to take some time and figure out what I want and figure out what we are doing. I simply said I am having conflicted and confusing feelings and I do not know why. He of course was understanding and said that his feelings have not changed for me since the moment he met me and that I know what he want, but it is apparent that I need to figure out what it is that I want.

The chemistry between us is undeniable. It is something that I am sure I have never felt before. There is no way to describe it because it is not love. It is not just lust. It is a passion that is unknown. A desire. Wanting something that I know I do not want at the same time. He is not the type of person I should be with, this I know. He has a lot of baggage and needs to get his shit together and I do not find that in anyway attractive. Perhaps I am attracted to this feature in the same sense that we want someone like this to change. To give us their full attention, to fall in love with us because when they do it is so dramatic you cannot deny the phenomenom.

I think I am struggling because over the past few months, I have grown into the person that I am and I love who I have become as a women and as an adult. I am confident, beautiful, and I have a lot going for me and now that I am aware of what I want, I want to find it. I am finally ready to begin the process of finding the one. It is truly that, a process. I am ready to date someone who has long term potential because I know who I am as a person.

I want to yet again thank God for his sense of humor. The gorgeous ex whom of which I have never truly gotten over, I have come to find is my neighbor! He literally lives across the street from my new apartment. I can walk out the front door and be at his in seconds. I'm going to pretend to be oblivious to this fact and see how long it takes for us to run into each other. I need to leave this one to fate and to the Gods of love. Yes, I am moving out if I hadn't blogged about that previously! Two weeks! I am so excited!

Once Upon A Time...

You win evolution! I have given in to your mercy. I am rendering the fairytale that is instilled into my brain. I am no longer a believer in the miracle of love, soul mates, undying devotion, yada yada yada. You have officially transformed me into a cynical non-believer. Your cold hard evidence towards it being "unhuman" to be monogamous, and the fact that evolutionary speaking we mate to spread the seed, has finally sunk it to this biologists brain. We are not destined for true love, it is inhuman. I have learned that prince charming on his white horse is riding off with little red riding hood and I am left alone in the castle, making wishes on stars in the sky.

Isn't it so ironic...boy meets girl...girl falls for boy...boy falls for someone else...girls leave boy...boy comes back begging for girl...girl thinks she can have her cake and eat it too...boy falls for girl...girl falls for another boy...originally boy begins dating other girl...now girl falls for boy again! Ugh the timing that is my love life. But what can I do but throw myself out there...admit that I have lied this entire time when I continuously told him I did not want to date him. My honestly has bad timing, that is it. Now all that is left is to see what happens. In the meantime, I have a lot to occupy my time...work work work...school school school and oh yea! MOVING! I found an apartment. It is small and perfect...has character...and IT'S ALL MINE...ALL ALONE...NO ONE ELSE BUT ME! I'm soooooo excited to be alone!

Gotta go to Lakewood now. I will blog tomorrow...important updates. I won't be metaphorical I will simply explain what happenned and why I am so woefully bitter.

Ramblings

So I have an exam so I cannot ramble too long, but I wanted to ramble a little. For one thing, I absolutely hate how they never give you enough ranch dressing to dip your raw veggies in. I suppose it makes sense. Veggies are healthy, you having purchased them are admitting your semi aware of your veggie intake for the day and thus should not pair them with unhealthy ranch. However, I end up wasting food because I refuse to eat a single veggie without it!

I learned for the second time in a week that a library card is proven valuable and that my second library card of the week had expired and I again needed to use it. So after four years I finally renewed my second library card for the week! Odd how series of events are homology related. Alright I need to go take this test...I have way to much evolutionary thinking floating around in my head.

For the essence of time!

I have given up on my irrational Monday love interest. I did not hear from him much this weekend, and by much, I mean not at all. I found myself wondering what happened to my non-existent lover and that was when I realized that perhaps he had gotten to my heart a little and not just my nether regions. So I decided to pull the plug, forget, and move on with my life and search for a meaningful relationship and not just one that seemed to be convenient more me but was more of a convenience for him. Giving up on this has allowed me to go to bed early and begin to appreciate my love for Tuesdays even more so. I woke up early. I was able to enjoy my morning coffee and good conversation with my mother (who is finally speaking to me again!) I made it to class on time and now I have a two hour break! I came to the library to print off all of my notes and slides for class because it's free! I regret to inform everyone that I am participating equally in the demise of the rainforest's but if I do not print my notes and scientific papers, I will not read them. My focus turns to interesting blogs, my obsession with craigslist and facebook whenever I am on my computer and I drift away from what I am supposed to be doing ever so easily. So now, I have a little under two hours before my next class and I plan to read a little, blog a little, fill out some paperwork and answer any emails I may have.

I have turned off my phone. I do not want anyone to call. I found myself fantasizing about this thought the other day. I was trying to take a nap. All I wanted on Saturday was a twenty minute nap before I had to anxiously get ready for my date. In an hours time, my phone rang over five times. Why I did not have the will power to simply turn it off, I do not know. My obsession with my cellular phone and communication baffles even myself. I found myself fantasizing about an island. Where I would lay in the sand an leave my phone a drift on a boat in the middle of the Indian Ocean where nobody could reach me. I want to lose contact with the world some days. I have decided to put that on my list of 100 things to do: Disregard Cell phone for 24 hours! Do you think I can do it blogger?

Speaking of my list of things to do, I need to start completing some more things on my list. I know I keep saying I am going to post it, in which I will...when I have both time and my list in hand. I am going snowboarding at the end of February, so one thing will be checked off there. I am actively working on living on my own but finding decent places in even more decent neighborhoods is not a decently easy thing to do. I found a beautiful vase for the beautiful place that I have yet to find and when I find it I will buy beautiful flowers to go in and that will complete another item on my list. I am almost finished with my dear Jose book, in fact I could be finished now, I am just a perfectionist and want it to be perfect if I am going to spend money in publishing it. In fact I think I will work on it today and just send it out to be published and then wallah another item checked off my list.

At least the sun is shining in dreary Ohio this morning. It is groundhogs day and therefore we obviously have 6 more weeks of winter. What I am inclined to ask is what it matters anyway? Even if his shadow is not seen, we have 6 more weeks of winter. Silly American traditions!

Well blogger, I am going to continue to do nothing as I sit here in the library. I will update you tediously at a later date!